Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over EX new partner trying to make out my DD is her own

151 replies

Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 13:31

back ground, Been together just over a year and are engaged. Ive never met this woman. my Narc Ex wouldnt allow that to happen.

Anyway DD likes her, it seems that she takes a bulk of the care when she should be having contact with EX, they live together etc.

Im grateful that she likes my dd. im gratefull my dd likes her. What im not happy about is her constant posts on social media of pics with my DD claiming she "loves her little family"

Erm, hang on love.... "your" family! last time i checked i carried DD for 9 months and went through the traumatic birth, not you!

You see her for 2 days out of 14!

Icing on the cake a few weeks ago, ex was going out of town for the weekend on his access days and he wanted his partner to have access in his place. I refused.

So, AIBU to feel this angry about it all. (note the anger is kept to myself and is self consuming :)

OP posts:
phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:52

being difficult? By wanting to parent your own child? Behave

It's not about wanting to parent your own child. I can see why op wants that. It's about stopping the other parent making decisions. He is no less dds parent because he doesn't live with her.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 15:52

No I said dad or someone else if you read it properly. She's under no obligation to ask him she can ask who she likes. If she wants him fine. If she doesn't also fine

Well the same courtesy should be offered to mum, which it wasn't.

Eliza9917 · 19/07/2017 15:53

Maybe the GF posts all that crap because having DD there makes her insecure.

I would speak to them about her posting pictures on social media, as you don't know what her privacy settings are or who is in her friends list.

I'd insist on meeting her as she looks after/is around DD and you wouldn't leave your DC with just anyone in any other situation.

I'd have refused to let the GF look after DD while XP was away as why the fuck? And also because the OP hasn't even met her.

I don't think the OP is BU.

Original poster
Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 15:54

MistressDeeCee

I wonder if he has regular 1-1 time with DD including occasional outings just the 2 of them etc...

No, never. DD has not had 1 single weekend or day with DF as one on one time.

OP posts:
Tofutti · 19/07/2017 15:54

But you can't do anything about her posting pics on social media so why are you stressing about it? Tell your family and friends to stop telling you about the pictures. They're not helping and some may be enjoying the drama.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:55

Well the same courtesy should be offered to mum, which it wasn't

I don't think you understand. Dad does not have to ask mum. He can ask who he likes. If that happens to be mum fine.

Mum doesn't have to ask dad. She can ask who she likes. If it happens to be dad fine.

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/07/2017 15:58

I really don't blame you for disliking what is going on and I don't for one second believe that any mother on here would be cool with it.

I don't think there is anything you can do and I don't think it will harm your DD.
Block her on FB.
For your own sanity.

Bellabooboo · 19/07/2017 16:01

Your DD is the most important here and seeing as she's happy and is being included that's what matters.

ALittleMop · 19/07/2017 16:07

Phoenix - The point is it is a contact weekend. If there's no contact, there's no point. Access arrangements are for the benefit of the child to maintain their relationship with the NRP, not about who has the right to decide who the child spends time with in a particular moment. If he was that bothered, he'd have asked to swap contact weekends so he could, y'know actually see his daughter. Clearly for him this was about control, not about contact and OP was totally right to refuse.

RE the social media, pfft, let it go. It would piss me off, but I doubt it's meant to. I'd insist on dropping DD off and meeting the new GF.

RestingBitchFaced · 19/07/2017 16:07

Why are you friends with her on social media if you have never met her? I'm not friends with my ex or his new wife on social media, so I don't see stuff like this. Also she's not saying she is her daughter really is she, just family so YABU

TaDah99 · 19/07/2017 16:08

Can we assume that the GF actually wanted to look after her, and if that is the case then how nice, I mean Jesus Christ there are far worse people to be looking after her. Yes, the "my girl" remarks are overstepping the mark a bit, but I think you just have to let that go. Did you ask her whether she wanted to go to her dads that weekend?

Eliza9917 · 19/07/2017 16:09

Pheonixthe rabbit

Thanks for your "lesson" but I still think you're wrong. The gf has been around a long time. Dd knows and likes her. Dad obviously trusts her enough. You don't have to know her. You're incredibly patronising. I assume you know and have had endless conversations with every member of staff at your child's school and interviewed every parent who your child has ever had a play date with?!

The GF moved in 8 months ago (32 weekends) and the DD goes to them eow, so the DD must have met her 16 times. That's not 'a long time' imo.

Also the OP hasn't said how old the GF is, if she hasn't met her she has no idea of the woman's childminding skills or how responsible she is or how much common sense or intelligence she has.

To say she's in the wrong to refuse to let this woman look after her child is ridiculous.

Original poster
Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 16:12

I feel the need to update: I DO NOT have EXP and his DP on FB or any other social media platform.

However I have seen screen shots of these posts of our DD as some of my network think them inappropriate. I have asked not to be shown them again. BUT it doesnt stop these posts going out about my DD.
These are not from my EXP but his DP who i have never met. How would you feel if someeone was posting pictures ect. of your DC without your permision?!

I Do not STALK them.
I am not Jealous of EXP's DP and her relationship with our Child.
I havent and will not express my anger abour the whole situation to EXP or DD. I stated in my post that my anger is kept to myself, and is only shared with a close friend over the odd glass of wine.

What I asked was AIBU to feel this way?!

And I guess I've answered my own question right there, No IANBU because these are my feelings. I have a right to feel however I want to feel. My feelings are not passed onto DD or anyone else. They are my feelings, and I feel pretty pissed off that some woman who i have never met is posting on social media about my DD and claiming she is "HER GIRL"

And under no circumstances will I allow a person I have never met have sole custody for a whole weekend without EXP being there, and I wouldnt expect anything less from EXP.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 19/07/2017 16:14

She is U for using the awful phrase "my little family" (bleugh) and posting picture of DC on social media!

YANBU for refusing requests for DD to stay with ex'a DP when ex is away.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 16:15

It's not about wanting to parent your own child. I can see why op wants that. It's about stopping the other parent making decisions. He is no less dds parent because he doesn't live with her

If dad can't be there for his own contact time then of course mum has every right to have that time with her own DD. He has no decision to make if he's not there. He gave up his time with his DD so Mum wants it.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 16:15

o the OP hasn't said how old the GF is, if she hasn't met her she has no idea of the woman's childminding skills or how responsible she is or how much common sense or intelligence she has.

I'm not sure her age is relevant. Maybe she should send op her cv Hmm

Op you're not being unreasonable in how you feel but I do feel that you need to accept it's not solely your decision and this girlfriend may become more and more involved. I don't agree that you're not "allowed" to meet her and if you had been I appreciate you wouldn't even be in this situation. I can understand how you feel but I do think you maybe have to trust your ex a bit more that he's got the common sense not to leave dd with someone incompetent dangerous or otherwise.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 16:18

f dad can't be there for his own contact time then of course mum has every right to have that time with her own DD. He has no decision to make if he's not there. He gave up his time with his DD so Mum wants it

That's not strictly true and entirely depends on what kind of (if any) contact arrangement you have in place. Many (including ours) state the the person responsible for the child on that day us responsible for the childcare that day. It's ultimately their decision and up to them whether they want to ask the other parent.

If op has a set up where If you can't do one weekend you HAVE to offer or swap with the other parent fair enough. If she doesn't have any formal agreement I would strongly suggest she get one so no more incidents like this arise.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 16:20

No phoenixtherabbit I do understand. I don't agree with you. Mum does NOT have to send her DC to someone she has never met when she is available and wants this time with her DC. You don't just farm your children out to people because they want themConfused.

Original poster
Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 16:22

Phoenixtherabbit the contact agreemeent is a whole other thread and not one I'm willing to disclose as it could "out" me.
A formal agreement is in place and it states every other weekend for EXP to collect and drop off.

There has been issues over childcare in the past and Narc EXP refusal to provide any, hence just every other weekend granted

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 16:24

Jenna43
[Flowers] Thank you for understanding x

OP posts:
phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 16:26

bear does it stipulate what happens if you need to change that weekend or he does?

Like I say I understand why you're not happy and although he doesn't have to introduce her to you I think he probably should have done.

jenna like I say it depends on the agreement and only op knows what it says so I don't think either of us can say what op does or doesn't have to do.

Contact orders can go into stupid amounts of detail.

JacquesHammer · 19/07/2017 16:33

I don't for one second believe that any mother on here would be cool with it

My daughter has a second positive female role model in her life. She gives her love, support, care and is part of DD's family. DD also spends time with just step-mum if ex-DH is not around.

What is there not to be cool with? It doesn't threaten my position, I am and always will be "mummy". But DD is also step-mum's girl and I am glad of it.

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/07/2017 16:39

That isn't what we are discussing here though it it?

The OP is not complaining about her DD having another woman in her life. She has been very clear about that.
She is upset with the over the top 'my girl' comments.
She is her dad's girlfriend.
Not her second mummy.

TaDah99 · 19/07/2017 16:41

Brilliantly put JacquesHammer, think there is a lot of insecurity going on here

Janeismymiddlename · 19/07/2017 16:41

OP you are not wrong about the weekend issue and the girlfriend but may urge a word of caution? By saying you will have your daughter you are setting a 'bailing out' precedent. He now doesn't have to parent when it doesn't suit him. Next time he'll take the girlfriend with him and expect you to deal with it.

You may be fine with this now. But there will come a time when it doesn't suit - you will have arranged something and you won't be able to attend. It will, inevitably, be something you really want to attend or something horribly expensive you lose money on. Or you'll have a work meeting and he'll force you to miss it and it'll be you who's u reliable and who struggles to keep your job.

It is far easier in the long run to stick to agreed parenting time and operate on a hook or by crook basis. Sure, there may be a genuine emergency one day that requires flexibility. But I promise you, if you give him this inch, he will take a million miles between now and her being old enough to arrange her own contact.