Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over EX new partner trying to make out my DD is her own

151 replies

Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 13:31

back ground, Been together just over a year and are engaged. Ive never met this woman. my Narc Ex wouldnt allow that to happen.

Anyway DD likes her, it seems that she takes a bulk of the care when she should be having contact with EX, they live together etc.

Im grateful that she likes my dd. im gratefull my dd likes her. What im not happy about is her constant posts on social media of pics with my DD claiming she "loves her little family"

Erm, hang on love.... "your" family! last time i checked i carried DD for 9 months and went through the traumatic birth, not you!

You see her for 2 days out of 14!

Icing on the cake a few weeks ago, ex was going out of town for the weekend on his access days and he wanted his partner to have access in his place. I refused.

So, AIBU to feel this angry about it all. (note the anger is kept to myself and is self consuming :)

OP posts:
gingerscot · 19/07/2017 14:32

One of my friends does this. Posts pictures of her, her partner and his two girls with captions like you've said.

I'm her friend and just think "yeah, you split that family up (both of them, they were both having affairs) and now you're rubbing their mother's nose in it." So to be honest, anyone seeing the posts maybe thinking similar. I think it's actually some misguided attempt to show that they really did no harm 🙄

Rhubarbtart9 · 19/07/2017 14:34

Try to see every post about her wonderful family as a compliment about how well you've bought her up and how likeable she is.

ALittleMop · 19/07/2017 14:34

What I am not happy about is her posting pictures of my DD on social Media with tag lines like "My Girl" "My Family" "My World" etc.

For your sanity, you have to let this go, tbh. It would make me angry and upset too but really, it doesn't matter, not at all.

Neither am I happy with a person I have never met caring for my child for 3 days without another family member present.

this is the real problem. Insist. Your Ex wanted his partner to have access without him there but yet says you don't need to meet her? Ridiculous.

scottishdiem · 19/07/2017 14:36

The definition of family is quite loose so you are being unreasonable about that.

I can see where you are coming from when she refers your DD has "my girl". However, since they are happy with each other I think referring to her as "my partners daughter" or some such would seem a little cold and distant.

It may be you would be less vexed if you met her but you have explained the barrier to that.

I wouldnt be bothered if I were you. All you are doing is storing up a level of unnecessary resent and potential problems in the future. I mean, any person you meet and enter into a relationship with cannot call your child part of his family? Way to create a barrier between child and adult.....

MistressDeeCee · 19/07/2017 14:36

Easy for people to say YABU when they're not in the situation themselves and blithely pretending theyd be happy and smiley in super cool fashion about Miss Pretend Mummy with no boundaries. FWIW my dad's gfriend is like this and I had a word with her. Being my dad's gfriend doesnt make me her daughter neither my children her grandchildren. I already have a living mother. Not that Im so close with my mother, and gfriend seems ok, but still - no pics of me & my DCs on social media in 'my family' capacity thanks. Delete her on FB OsP and if you don't want your DDs pics all up in social media rhe most you can do is speak to your ex, see if he sees your point.

Which I doubt, as so many men who have their kids staying over have a woman who is putting in the time and childcare so they don't have to.

Rhubarbtart9 · 19/07/2017 14:37

It also might be the step mums way of showing you DD is safe hands.

Booboobooboo84 · 19/07/2017 14:37

Yabu about the social media post it's lovely and affectionate. As you can't see them then maybe your philosophy should be if I can't see it I don't want to hear about it.

Yanbu to ask for your daughter to not be tagged on the partners social media. I think as parents that has to be a mutual decision.

Yanbu to at this point insist you meet the GF especially as your daughter has formed a bond. And I would say no to someone you've not met caring for your child.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 14:39

It's not just ops decision who looks after dd though is it? She has two parents.

Her dad should be able to be trusted to decide who does and does not look after her.

WonderLime · 19/07/2017 14:43

I do think it's reasonable for you to meet her after a year, and your ex is BU about that!

Can you put your foot down with your ex, ask him to arrange a meet up or you will contact her via social media directly (or perhaps a letter that could be delivered via your daughter?).

Bluebell878275 · 19/07/2017 14:46

Well don't forget phoenixtherabbit when a parent moves out after a split (usually the father), as soon as they step foot outside the house they suddenly lose the ability to properly parent a child they made and will now need checking up on by the more capable parent (usually the mother)...

AntiopeofThemyscira · 19/07/2017 14:46

To refuse access that weekend was very odd -

No it wasn't. Not at all. Why on earth would a child be with her father's girlfriend when her actual mother, the other parent is available to have her?

rainbowbreeze123 · 19/07/2017 14:49

YABU I have posted on facebook about days out with 'my boys' meaning my BF and his son. I treat him as if he is mine when he is with us and why wouldnt I? You should be happy they have such a good relationship

SpareASquare · 19/07/2017 14:50

YABU

My childrens father has a fiancee as well. She may well write the same kind of things on FB but I wouldn't know because we are not FB friends. We are not any kind of friends so I don't feel any need to FB stalk her. My children really like her though and that's all I need to know.

Then again, I'm probably not one to comment. My DD spent a couple of days with her stepmother recently whilst her father was away. They had a great time and, if I'm honest, she probably likes her more than she likes her father.

Bluebell878275 · 19/07/2017 14:50

Because that was the child's time to be spending in her other home. Yes, her father was away but, as I said, that would be an ideal opportunity for the daughter and GF to get to know each other one-to-one.

AntiopeofThemyscira · 19/07/2017 14:52

But it's not odd to have said no. It really isn't.

AntiopeofThemyscira · 19/07/2017 14:56

Easy for people to say YABU when they're not in the situation themselves and blithely pretending theyd be happy and smiley in super cool fashion about Miss Pretend Mummy with no boundaries

This.

Original poster
Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 14:57

AntiopeofThemyscira
To refuse access that weekend was very odd -

No it wasn't. Not at all. Why on earth would a child be with her father's girlfriend when her actual mother, the other parent is available to have her?

This was my point exactly and why I refused. As a FTWM I only get every other weekend to spend any quality time with my DD and it felt wrong to me to allow another person who I haven't met spend that time with my DD. I do not need a babysitter, he does not need a babysitter, DD has two parents who are able to provide adiquate care between them.

OP posts:
Bluebell878275 · 19/07/2017 14:57

I believe it is.

MikeUniformMike · 19/07/2017 14:57

I don't think XP's DP should be posting photos of your daughter on social media.

ZoeWashburne · 19/07/2017 15:00

One of the hardest rules to learn about co-parenting with new partners in the picture is this: There is not a finite amount of love your child can receive. Just because someone else loves them, doesn't take away your relationship with your daughter. That is her 'little family'. DD can be 'her girl'. That is a healthy way to coparent to treat step children the same as bio children. Your child's relationship with this woman is completely independent of your relationship with your daughter. Your daughter doesn't love you less because someone else is in the picture.

Having another person in their life that loves them is always a good thing. You are jealous. But you need to be careful, because then your daughter will feel she has to hide things from you as to not hurt your feelings. I know so many kids of divorce that are adults now who talk of their emotionally immature parents that they had to keep secrets from because they would kick off if SM said this, or SD did that.

Your child is never going to forget who their mother is. Reframe your approach that this new partner is bring stability and love to your exH.

BlackeyedSusan · 19/07/2017 15:01

my family. ok. my world/my girl not ok.

family ok as it includes ex and his dd . (your joint dd) and they form family, a big unit.

single unit (my girl) implies hers.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 15:09

I have 2 DSC and I would never post photos of them online. If I wanted to I would ask if their mum was ok with it.

I look after my DSC sometimes(when mum is stuck and dad is working) but only for a few hours. I would never have them for days without their dad being here. I think you are right not to send your DD there when dad is away, it's a bit odd that he even suggested that, they've only been together for a year. I was only meeting my DSC at that stage.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:09

Well don't forgetphoenixtherabbitwhen a parent moves out after a split (usually the father), as soon as they step foot outside the house they suddenly lose the ability to properly parent a child they made and will now need checking up on by the more capable parent (usually the mother

Ah yes must have slipped my mind Wink

Redhead17 · 19/07/2017 15:13

Life's too short my ex has a new partner and she has older kids by her first relationship by DD lives the fact she has bigger sisters.

I am just happy that someone loves her as much as I do and treats her like her own I'd be concerned if she was ousting stuff like "got that fucking brat here this weekend"

I actually told my ex to make sure he buys her something on Mother's Day from DD

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 15:13

*It's not just ops decision who looks after dd though is it? She has two parents.

Her dad should be able to be trusted to decide who does and does not look after her*

But don't you think it's a bit odd to send DD to her when OP is available and would rather be with her own child than someone she has never met. There's no need for this woman to care for OPs child when dad is away.