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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
HelpTheTigers · 19/07/2017 16:25

Tbh, I wouldn't be particularly happy with this.

It does appear that he may be aware that you have read his posts and that the second woman is a smoke screen, however it may all be perfectly innocent. Either way, it does seem a step too far to be so complimentary about another woman.
I have experience from a couple of different sides of this and as many PPs have pointed out, it all depends upon your relationship and what's going on inside of your DH's head.
I used to meet up with a friend's DP at lunchtime if he came in to where I work. I didn't think anything about it, there was certainly nothing going on from my side and my DP wasn't concerned as he knows me very well and also knows the bloke concerned. However, big warning lights flashed when my friend's DP made suggestions about what underwear I should have on for our next lunch. Obviously, I was horrified and it didn't happen again!
From a different aspect, my DP really likes women as friends but can be unintentionally (I hope!) flirty. Whereas I would have no problem with him seeing an old friend for lunch (although that may depend upon the 'old friend'!), I might have doubts about the friend's intentions if I didn't know them well. My DP is (IMO) a very attractive man and there have been a few women in the past who have pursued him shamelessly.

I'm sure that there are many other scenarios that could apply too. It's just different strokes for different folks, but it all depends upon your DP and his intentions, which none of us on MN know.
Good luck OP, I hope that all is well for you. Assuming that everything is fine, I think that it would be helpful if you talked to your DH and explained your concerns and even meet up with the group as a couple sometime. Regardless, you shouldn't have to be stressed by this. Flowers

CremeFresh · 19/07/2017 16:29

Has he been for the lunch Op ?

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 17:12

He came home half an hour ago, he brought up the coffee date subject first, and said it was just Sarah and that he was originally going to invite Lisa but didn't. I tried my best to be nonchalant and said I hadn't heard him mention her before, he thought I'd been with him once when we bumped into her in a night out. I asked why he was meeting her out of the blue and he said he'd been chatting with a mutual friend, her name came up and apparently she recently separated from her ex and there was domestic abuse involved, he thought it would be nice to catch up. I don't know if this is bullshit, though it is the sort of thing he would do.

I think I might play my cards close to my chest and see if there is any more messaging or secretive meetings, and see. I feel horrible and needy, and can't stop thinking irrationally about it, I know I am probably being ridiculous. I've even been worrying in case we end up getting divorced as I have DC from a previous relationship and I owned our house etc before I met him. I know I'm being crazy now Sad

OP posts:
Winterc00kie · 19/07/2017 17:18

I F*king hate men at times. why do they put us through this S*T???

CremeFresh · 19/07/2017 17:18

This half way house of sort of knowing something is wrong but having no real proof is horrible Op , I'm not surprised you feel as you do.

I'd keep an eye out now, as you've said, see if any more meet ups happen.

TurnipCake · 19/07/2017 17:21

Yeah when a woman has left an abusive relationship the best way to reach out to them is telling them they look gorgeous in their profile pic Hmm

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 17:22

Oh dear.

TurnipCake · 19/07/2017 17:23

And colour me shocked, 'Lisa' wasn't there.

Him telling you she was in an abusive relationship is to paint him as The Good Guy.

Penny4UrThoughts · 19/07/2017 17:27

I can see that happening. I can imagine that someone might think that it would be a good way to bolster someone's confidence after hearing about domestic violence or similar. It's clumsy, and not helpful. But I can imagine someone wanting to reach out and be there for someone that's been through a tough time and not meaning anything more by it.

But I can also see that it could be less than innocent.

But i would be watching for anything more. You aren't being crazy. I think most of us would be the same.

Rioja123 · 19/07/2017 17:27

Definitely suspicious in my opinion

CremeFresh · 19/07/2017 17:28

Yes , hardly surprising Lisa couldn't make it Hmm

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 17:29

This isn't good op. honestly it's not how genuine people go about things at all.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 17:30

Omg it gets worse . Op he knows I have read his message as it will be marked as seen . He is playing a dirty dirty game ......

Roomster101 · 19/07/2017 17:31

So he messaged her to say she looked gorgeous and invited her for a coffee because he found out that she was single! I'm afraid that you really aren't being ridiculous to be upset.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 17:31

Sorry op I don't mean to worry you . I'd honestly confront him and nip this in the bud now before he gets in too deep . Of course this is just how I'd react but I would not be able to just say nothing

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 17:32

Why would he suddenly get in touch because she was single and had been domestically abused ??

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/07/2017 17:33

Is he generally a "rescuer" OP?

swingofthings · 19/07/2017 17:37

I've only just read the thread from the start. I was going to say that it could go either way, innocent or not, but what would distinguish between the two would be how open he was about it.

Not only did it not lie, ie. you asked casually what he'd been up after work and he said that he worked late, but he, himself, brought it up.

That to me shows that at least so far, his meeting with her was totally innocent, so if I were you, I would take a big breath of relief!

I do agree that you should keep your warnings on because although he might genuinely have no interest in anything romantic with her, she might have different intentions and seduce him.

One thing that did stick to mind though was you feeling the need to mention that you hadn't been intimate recently. I would focus on this. Is it a case that you are both ok with it due to circumstances, or is that he has attempted to be intimate, or has thrown some hints (ie. you are always going to bed early and are asleep when I come to bed and then you're up before I wake up), but you've ignored them?

Sometimes it is easy to fall unto lazy habits in regards to intimacy, but it's not uncommon that one is ok with it whilst the other isn't.

SafeToCross · 19/07/2017 17:38

He is actually quite predatory if he knew she was in a vulnerable situation and sent that as his opening message. He knows he is doing something wrong, knows you have an inkling, and is trying to make himself look good to you or himself.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 17:39

His behaviours is not that of an innocent man.

DerelictWreck · 19/07/2017 17:42

Everyone CALM down.

I know you came here for advice OP, but please take everything said with a pinch of salt. Only you know your DP and your relationship, so be careful not to get carried away with what a bunch of strangers tell you on the internet. Even if it did look suspicious (and I for one things it's all fine) then that doesn't mean it is, and it certainly isn't proof. This escalating could ruin your otherwise happy relationship, so please tread carefully and do as you feel right!

howdoyouworkthisthing · 19/07/2017 17:43

@Worried567 think you're doing right thing keeping cards close to your chest. Is there anyway you can find out that this adds up? Anyone you know / friend of friend who can confirm her ex was abusive? If it were me I would focus on finding that out, then go from there. It's so hard keep your head together but hope you're alright and keeping your chin up.

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 17:47

The OP's gut is telling her that this isn't ok and nothing to worry about Derelict.

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 17:49

He is a bit of a rescuer I suppose, not with me but a previous ex was apparently a victim of domestic violence, I have no idea if this is true.

It does sound creepy and predatory when I see the replies I've had on here, it's really not like him but I can see how it looks Luke that.

I can't see her going for him tbh. She is extremely attractive/glamorous in her photos and he is a very normal looking but overweight man, attractive to me though. She knows he is married - I was looking though our wedding day posts on FB earlier and she had "liked" some of the photos. In the messages she came across as v keen to meet up, replying within seconds and with lots of humorous gifs and xx's etc. I realise though that my (possible) problem is with DH though, not her.

OP posts:
mowglik · 19/07/2017 17:51

OP has he maybe figured out that you've seen the message and worked out a story to cover his tracks? My sympathies, you must be feeling quite anxious and frustrated right now