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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
snoopypoodle · 19/07/2017 12:20

But of course make sure he views the FB messages before you do otherwise they will show up as "seen" and he will know you have opened them!

Sallystyle · 19/07/2017 12:21

Suspicions are fine but when one of them is that he didn't mention meeting to the OP you lose me. Would he have to if it was someone male? I doubt it.

Maybe not. In my marriage we just discuss things like our plans. No reason. It just comes up. I guess everyone is different.

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 12:26

OP I hope your okay... it's 'lunchtime' and your thoughts will be all over the place...

stay strong and be kind to yourself... x

lucyandpoppy123 · 19/07/2017 12:32

I agree you have access to his FB I would also just discreetly keep an eye on messages and take pictures of them for evidence in case he catches on to that you've been reading his messages and changes his password

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 12:40

That's what I said before . Because op opened message it will show up as seen so the dh will know she has seen message so of course makes up Lisa !!! He is not daft and is playing a good game

Ellapaella · 19/07/2017 12:44

If I received a private message on FB from a male friend telling me I looked gorgeous and then shortly afterwards asking to meet up I'm sorry but I would assume they were interested in more than a coffee.

FilledSoda · 19/07/2017 12:51

Keep an eye on that op

Clandestino · 19/07/2017 12:53

I called a friend of mine handsome and told him he looks good in his outfit.
In all fairness, he is also trans and the outfit he was wearing was a tight LBD with high heels and full make-up so my DH was OK with that.
He definitely wouldn't be OK with me calling another man handsome on FB Messenger and tbh, neither would I if he called another woman pretty.

CremeFresh · 19/07/2017 12:56

I think you need to give him enough rope and if he's up to something he'll hang himself sooner or later.

maddening · 19/07/2017 12:57

Keep an eye - if he is up to anything and you mention it he may change passwords etc

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 13:15

How would your husband be about you messaging male "friends" and telling them they looked handsome and then you inviting them for coffee ????? I bet he wouldn't be best pleased either

WamBamThankYouMaam · 19/07/2017 13:18

I very frequently message people of the opposite sex, and often make social plans with them.

I don't feel the need to tell my husband as he isn't my PA. If he asks then of course I'll honestly answer. I don't invite him because he isn't my minder, and my friends aren't extended to him by default (and vice versa).

Some of you lot are really projecting your own issues onto this.

DragonBone · 19/07/2017 13:21

I think you're right to be suspicious- but I'd also take a guarded wait and see approach .... you can ask him face to face how the catch up was with Lisa and Sarah etc..... and take it from there.

Ellapaella · 19/07/2017 13:39

It's not about just messaging people an making plans though - of course most of us would be happy doing that, it's about sending someone a private message about how gorgeous they are and shortly afterwards arranging to meet up alone. Fine to message your friends, male or female but personally if a bloke I hadn't seen for ages messaged me telling me how gorgeous I was and by the way did I want to meet up I'm afraid I would assume he was interested in more than friendship.

snoopypoodle · 19/07/2017 13:43

@WamBamThankYouMaam

It's not about just messaging people an making plans though - of course most of us would be happy doing that, it's about sending someone a private message about how gorgeous they are and shortly afterwards arranging to meet up alone. Fine to message your friends, male or female but personally if a bloke I hadn't seen for ages messaged me telling me how gorgeous I was and by the way did I want to meet up I'm afraid I would assume he was interested in more than friendship.

^^this!

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 13:48

Wam bam of course it's fine messaging the opposite sex but telling them they look gorgeous and then immediately asking to meet for "coffee" is about of a red flag . Surely you can see that ??Hmm

WamBamThankYouMaam · 19/07/2017 14:00

The OP has already said that its very much in his nature to pay compliments like that, and assuming Sarah knows or has known him relatively well, she probably has the benefit of context that none of us do.

One of my dearest friends refers to me in such a way, and we have plans to go for a few drinks tomorrow. Because I know him, I know his intent.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 14:04

They hadn't spoke for 6minths prior to the gorgeous message so they don't seem good friends ??

Thinkingofausername1 · 19/07/2017 14:05

Don't worry about what it looks like to them! He is being secretive and I agree with the others to turn up - oh what a picture that would be. Take a trusted friend with you, to embarrass them even more!

peachgreen · 19/07/2017 14:09

Things like this are totally dependent on your own personal relationship so it doesn't matter much what anyone here thinks. If you're not comfortable with it, then it's not appropriate in your relationship.

For what it's worth, both DH and I would absolutely consider this to be crossing a line.

WonderLime · 19/07/2017 14:16

turn up - oh what a picture that would be. Take a trusted friend with you, to embarrass them even more!

Seeing as the DH has already told the OP that he's meeting 'Sarah', I think the only one who will end up looking really foolish would be the OP!

PurpleMinionMummy · 19/07/2017 15:08

I agree with snoopypoodle.

Also, some men will mention the woman they intend to/are having an affair with to make it seem innocent. Because they're being honest about who they're meeting up with so there not hiding anything.....they also tend to lie by omission rather than outright lies.

troodiedoo · 19/07/2017 15:21

I would play it very cool for now. Then wait for the inevitable overnight stay that he has to do for some reason. Then you can put your snooping hat on.

ACurlyWurly · 19/07/2017 15:28

I'm with Wambam
I am a lesbian with many male and female friends.

just by way of an example, one of my friends is rarely on FB and a couple of weeks ago she uploaded a new pic, it reminded me to contact her. my FB message started 'hey pretty lady, looking sexy in your pic, how are you? not spoken in ages! do you wanna meet up?'

I would add, I do not call all my friends pretty lady or tell them they are sexy but in the last 16 years we have been friends this is how we now speak with each other. I have male and female friends with whom i have a different 'language' as they are from a different time and place in my life. Just as i speak in a different way to people at work, customers on the phone and my family. I do not want to have an affair with her, I do not want to meet for any reason other than a catch up, I havent told my DW as she is my partner not my mum or my keeper. We havent set a meet up date yet but if my mate emailed me and said see you tomorrow i would go and tell DW either before, after or when she asked but if i didnt tell her it wouldnt mean there was anything going on or that we disrespect each other it would just mean I met an old friend with whom i have a different way of speaking to each other.

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 15:43

jesus christ .... it gets worse