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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 17:53

I feel horrible, have a sinking anxious feeling, but also annoyed with myself too. I think all I can do is wait and see if there is further contact between them

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 19/07/2017 17:53

He knows you read the messages and he's backtracking.

I am sorry OP but I think you know deep down that this isn't innocent. On her behalf I'm sure it is.

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 17:54

Roomster101 ...

this is exactly what I thought

UnicornSparkles1 · 19/07/2017 17:56

I think playing your cards close to your chest is a good idea for now OP. I really hope that's the end of it and that there aren't any more "dates" Flowers

TurnipCake · 19/07/2017 17:57

Yeah I think he knows you have read them and is pulling a story out of his arse. Expect his passwords to change, keep trusting your hit

TurnipCake · 19/07/2017 17:57

That was supposed to say gut

MusicToMyEars800 · 19/07/2017 18:00

I hope it turns out to be completely innocent OP, I know how horrible that nagging feeling is.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 18:00

Normal behaviour: Honey, remember Sarah?'
No
Oh, right, she's a mate from way back, she's just split from her ex and having a really hard time, I might see if she wants a meet up.
Cool.

His behaviour? V. suspicious. The 'gorgeous' approach. The secrecy. The addition of Lisa. The 'whole story' AFTER the event.

Sorry op. I don't like the sound of him.

Ktown · 19/07/2017 18:02

Either way it doesn't look good. If she is now single after an abusive relationship then he sounds predatory. If the story is made up then it is even worse as he is covering himself with a dodgy story because something is going on.
But alternatively it could be true and it could be nothing.
I would still give him hell.

CremeFresh · 19/07/2017 18:04

I think it's quite telling that posters predicted that Lisa wouldn't turn up.

howdoyouworkthisthing · 19/07/2017 18:07

@Worried567 You shouldn't be annoyed with yourself, you've reacted like most people would when seeing a surprising message.

GinaFordCortina · 19/07/2017 18:13

Sorry but I'd read his other messages as he sounds slightly shifty.

Alittlepotofrosie · 19/07/2017 18:15

I think id nip this in the bud now and tell him you saw his messages and you know he called her gorgeous and that lisa was never invited. Ask him to explain himself.

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/07/2017 18:15

I'd most definitely watch and wait...

Yes, he seems to be telling a certain percentage of truth, but, it's the other percent that would have me putting on my Nosey Parker head.

IDoDaChaCha · 19/07/2017 18:17

I suppose it depends what kind of person he is. If he's the sort of bloke who gives lots of compliments to everyone I probably wouldn't read anything into it. But if it seems out of the ordinary I wouldn't be happy. Not all men cheat but some are serial cheats who will never change. It's more about knowing your man yourself, we can only speculate. I do agree with previous posters commenting that the DM was the issue: that the same compliment on a public picture for example wouldn't be suspicious as it's out in the open. I've had Facebook DMs myself from male friends complimenting a photo and it made me think straight away- why inbox me? Why not comment on the photo? Each time it's happened it's been married or as well as married men with families. It used to make me feel sad for their partners. Now my fb is very limited so mostly family on it. Avoids all that shiz. Unfortunately some people can't use social media without behaving inappropriately. I hope you find out that it's nothing big hugs xx

Sallystyle · 19/07/2017 18:20

He told you he invited Lisa and was meeting them both.

Now he never invited her after all. Did he just assume that Lisa was free to meet them? He knows you read the messages and he wanted a good cover. Of course she never turned up because he never planned to invite her.

I am shocked that anyone would think this is perfectly innocent.

OP you are anxious because you know he's covering his tracks. He found out she left an abusive relationship and messaged her to tell her she is beautiful? Pretended he was meeting Lisa too then said he never invited her after all.

You have all the proof you need to know that his intentions weren't honourable.

grungeneverdied · 19/07/2017 18:22

If be fine with the meeting up but not he compliment in a message. I wouldn't leave over it but I'd definitely be more wary and alert to the possibility. It's a tricky one

user1497435493 · 19/07/2017 18:22

I have to ask, why do some (married) men have to do this 'shoulder to cry on' shit with other women? Hmm

I have seen so many posts on various forums from women who have men/or have had men who are so helpful and chatty and lovely to women who have split from partners/had bad break ups/been cheated on. The women in question then go on to think (and say) that he is a wonderful and lovely human being and wifey girl is sooooooooo lucky to have him.

WTAF? Hmm

Honestly, if women behaved like this around men, the men would think they wanted to shag them.

I mean why do they do it? Why??? Is it so they can puff their chest out and be the big hero? Is it an ego massage? I don't get it. I have never ever ever behaved like this around men, and neither has any woman I know. Why do men do it?

OP, it doesn't sound good sorry, and although it sounds like the girl is innocent, I think your husband's behaviour is well dodgy.

user1497435493 · 19/07/2017 18:24

Definitely keep an eye on him OP. Keep an eye on the whole situation.

Thing is, when people have suspicions about something, they are usually correct.

swingofthings · 19/07/2017 18:29

Worried, whatever you do, don't let your feelings be affected by this forum. Remember that WE do not know your OH, your background, your relationship and can only react to what you've written here and that most people will write things they would never say to their friends/family members.

Ultimately, we can give you a stir, but your gut feeling will always be more reliable. It DOES happen that situation that look very fishy ARE totally innocent.

It happened to be with OH. I thought I had all the evidence in front of me to confront him that he was lying to me about something very major. I twisted my guts for hours and then exploded accusing him of very unpleasant behaviour. He got very angry and not surprisingly as he was totally innocent. He was keen on showing me how I got it all wrong (but struggle to talk to me for some time!).

We can now laugh about it, 6 years on!

Introvertedbuthappy · 19/07/2017 18:31

I could actually see my DH do something like this - he's a real rescuer type and is very empathetic. In fact one of his (male) friends made a pass at him a few years ago as he was very complimentary about him and took him out for lunches etc to help him get over the breakdown of his engagement. He has also sent supportive messages to friends (male and female) saying how awesome they are and how much they mean to them. I guess you know your relationship best. Good luck.

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 18:39

Thanks everyone Smile

I will update if there are any more messages

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 19/07/2017 18:40

Actually, I expected to be arguing against your concerns.

"It's not unusual for him to tell someone they are gorgeous face to face, ... But not in private messages though, that's new"

I was even going to ask how you knew, to this ^

BUT reading your last couple of posts, I do think he is (if not planning on cheating) at least trying to blur the edges.

I read this "he brought up the coffee date subject first, and said it was just Sarah and that he was originally going to invite Lisa but didn't".

Yet earlier in the day he said to you he was "meeting Lisa and Sarah for coffee".

I think he deliberately put Lisa's name in to the earlier conversation (despite not having made any arrangement with her) to draw your attention away from a more significant arrangement with Sarah. I think he did that because he knows it is not okay.

So I've changed my earlier opinion. Not such an innocent arrangement after all and actually ... given that she's both gorgeous and potentially vulnerable ... not such a nice guy after all!

user1493630944 · 19/07/2017 18:40

The story he told bears no resemblance to what you found on FB messenger. He's probably lying and if he isn't he should have told you before making any arrangement to meet. Make plans to LTB because it is unlikely he will change.

user1497435493 · 19/07/2017 18:40

Funny how these men are super heroes and 'empathic' and so lovely around other women (and it IS almost always women not men, despite the post above^.) But they would never ever ever tolerate their wife behaving the same around other men. Hmm

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