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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 19/07/2017 11:21

'Lisa' is nowt but a ruse, to make you less suspicious, because if someone else is there, it's just a friendly coffee.

I suspect 'Lisa' somehow won't be able to make it, something came up at the last minute.

Sorry OP but I think he's trying to get to know this woman in plain sight.

Syc4moreTrees · 19/07/2017 11:21

If you can't just turn to your husband and say oh a message has just popped up from x about coffee, then you might need to consider how your relationship is. I find it so strange how many people don't simply ask their husband if they want to know something.

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 11:22

I'll go to the ruddy cafe... linger around etc... I love a nice cake me x

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 11:23

user1483617032 you sound delusional too.

Buck3t · 19/07/2017 11:23

So OP'S DH has dishonestly not mentioned meeting the 'OW' till asked then adds a name to 'throw OP off the scent'. And your proof for this is?

On the other hand OP read the message and has yet to mention to her DH that she has, but that's not dishonest. I'm sure the excuse is self-preservation or some such nonsense.

Only one person has been proven to act dishonestly. The clue is it's not the DH.

Does that mean the DH is not open to an affair. I don't know, but I have no proof of this one way or the other. Nor does anyone else.

BlueThesaurusRex · 19/07/2017 11:24

Have you got a friend you trust who could go to the coffee place and have a nosey? See how many women he's meeting?

GlitterSparkles17 · 19/07/2017 11:26

I seriously doubt "Lisa" will be there. Why no mention of her in the messages?

I do agree with some previous posters though, just ask him outright why he thinks its acceptable to message another woman to let her know he thinks she's gorgeous, its just disrespectful and I'd be gutted if my DH did that.

PizzaPlease · 19/07/2017 11:31

I don't understand why he didn't invite you to join them after you asked him to meet you?

TurnipCake · 19/07/2017 11:34

Pizza because he's going on a date and doesn't want his wife cramping his style

CremeFresh · 19/07/2017 11:37

I think it's fishy , I'd watch and wait Op.

notsomuchgreen · 19/07/2017 11:38

I think OP said upthread that the venue was a place neither of you normally go.

Why would he choose it then?

Amd724 · 19/07/2017 11:38

If my husband called some other woman beautiful in a message, it would be completely out of the ordinary. He never speaks like this, so I'd be suspicious. However, I believe the OP said that he does this sometimes, so perhaps that part isn't the out of ordinary part.

But, why didn't he mention Lisa in those messages with the woman? I'd upfront just ask him if I could come with him. If he says no, then I'd have my answer.

purpletowels · 19/07/2017 11:39

You could just ask him about it. Failing that I'd wait and see what happens.

I wouldn't turn up though, personally.

Motoko · 19/07/2017 11:46

If my husband sent me a text asking if I wanted to meet up for a coffee, and I already had plans to meet a friend/s, I would invite him along.

I'd say "Well, I'm meeting up with X, but why don't you come along too? X won't mind and would love to see you."

ItWentInMyEye · 19/07/2017 11:47

Due to previous unfaithful pillocks I'd personally be suspicious but try to find things out sneakily. A liar will lie to your face even when asked a direct question.

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 11:48

Thanks very much for the replies, I will certainly be asking him about it this evening, hoping that he'll bring it up first.

I'm not going to turn up, and I think it would be strange if I asked to come - it's in a different village and we don't tend to tag along when the other is meeting friends.

I didn't have any previous suspicions until this happened. I don't think I'm insecure or have given him grounds to hide anything. I agree that it will be best to ask him outright, but I will now be tempted to check again to see if there have been any further messages, or any further "dates." Then I hate myself for snooping Sad.

If it is a genuine one off catch up with an old friend then of course I have no problem, but if there are any more secretive meetings or inappropriate messages then that's different.

Thanks again to everyone who has replied.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 19/07/2017 11:48

But, why didn't he mention Lisa in those messages with the woman? I'd upfront just ask him if I could come with him. If he says no, then I'd have my answer.

Yep.

Although I would have had it out with him as soon as I saw the message.

I honestly think some people crave the drama and excitement and forget this is actually someone's life.

Not at all. The facts are:

He messaged someone to tell them they were beautiful
He then asks her to meet up
He doesn't mention it to the OP
OP asks him to meet her for a coffee
DH says he is meeting two women
Doesn't ask her along

You would have to be naive as hell not to be suspicious. It could be innocent or he could be meeting her in the hopes that something will happen. This other woman could have joined them and it just wasn't mentioned on the messages or it could be a cover.

OP needs to talk to him. I would be suspicious as hell because it would be completely out of character for my husband and it has rattled the OP enough to start a thread on it. I don't need or crave drama from MN Hmm

Sallystyle · 19/07/2017 11:49

OP I hope the talk goes well and it is all innocent and fine Thanks

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 11:49

It's not unusual for him to tell someone they are gorgeous face to face, we do dinetunes joke that he should be a Gok Wan type fashion advisor. But not in private messages though, that's new

OP posts:
Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 11:50

*sometimes

OP posts:
Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 11:51

I hope it is all as innocent as you believe op . I'm not sure i but the "Lisa" story though. The Facebook message will show as read so he probably has seen you have seen it and invented Lisa as a cover . If someone reads my Facebook messages I would know . He ain't daft your dh . He knows your into him op

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 11:51

Onto him

Kr1stina · 19/07/2017 12:01

People who are into fashion and being an advisor don't tell women they are gorgeous privately and ask them out for a coffee and forget to mention it to their partner.

They say things in public like " I love your dress, where did you get it ? It reminds me of X collection last season and Zara did a great copy in the spring "

Or " that dress is a fabulous colour I wouldnt have thought of cobalt shoes but that works work well " .

If you can't see the difference between the two then you are being taken for a mug.

Buck3t · 19/07/2017 12:17

Suspicions are fine but when one of them is that he didn't mention meeting to the OP you lose me. Would he have to if it was someone male? I doubt it.
And if that is the case then men just can't be trusted with women except when they mention them to their wives. I think there are so many women here who truly believe that and that is sad.

I guess everyone's marriage is 'different'.

snoopypoodle · 19/07/2017 12:18

This might be the unpopular opinion but I would probably keep my cards close to my chest for now OP.

If something is on the cards asking him outright won't actually get you anywhere, he will most likely deny/minimise and play it down as a "catch up with old friend" etc and you will never find out.

Since you ready have I would just discreetly keep an eye on any messages/communication between them, it will tell you more than he will.

Messaging another woman privately to tell her how gorgeous she is would already be a massive lack of respect for me as a DW/DP.