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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
Charley50 · 19/07/2017 19:15

Sorry but it all sounds very dodgy to me. Just throwing out a question re assets.. If you divorced within a couple of years of marriage would he have a claim on a share of your house?

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 19:20

I think how much he would be entitled to depends on the length of marriage, but he would still be entitled to a lot I suppose - I earn a lot more than him and have a decent pension pot. Although I'm technically a high earner I have a huge mortgage though, so I wouldn't simply be able to hand over thousands without it having serious implications on my own and DC finances, prospect of having to sell house (which I owned before we met). I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but all sorts of things are going through my head.

OP posts:
CookieLady · 19/07/2017 19:22

I'm sorry I have nothing useful to add but a huge unmumsnetty hug for you. Flowers

MandateMandy · 19/07/2017 19:22

When I was younger/slimmer/more attractive I had three good male pals from work and /or uni. I would go months without speaking/texting and we would usually meet in group situations. Then facebook happened and I got messages out of the blue - "Looking good, how you doing? Fancy a catch up?"etc etc. I went along to meet them ( on different occasions obviously). All three of them were either now married or in relationships. All three of them, towards the end of the coffee started telling me their relationship problems, all three of them asked me to have a relationship with them...all three of them got told where to go and I haven't spoken to them since.

It made me very wary of having male pals. I'm not saying that ALL men who have female friends are potential cheats, but because of my own experiences I would not be able to be in a relationship with someone who private messages other women to tell them how gorgeous they are looking. It's just not appropriate.

MinnieSprinkles · 19/07/2017 19:28

I would be hurt by this i hope it is nothing

ShmooBooMoo · 19/07/2017 19:33

Worried567

I am not the suspicious type but I just knew Lisa wouldn't be coming :(

I would be looking at the global picture if I were you. Your lack of intimacy, his inappropriate compliment followed by his suggestion to meet, his being economical with the truth ie saying Lisa would be there too (very likely Lisa was never going to be invited), his raising the coffee meeting in conversation beore you could even ask and stating Lisa didn't come (perhaps to make you think, 'well, if he's cheating or intends to, he's hardly going to tell me Lisa didn't come as he knows it will create suspicion'...a kind of reverse psychology iyswim), the woman's vulnerability which he may be trying to take advantage of by appearing as her 'knight in shining armour'

  • You and husband haven't been intimate for a while. If you don't get to spend too much quality time together due to work commitments etc, why didn't he come home to you early (if you were home)? I think if you don't both make the extra effort to remain intimate, esp early in a marriage, you can quickly begin to feel like 'friends' or 'brother and sister' more than life partners and lovers.
  • If you trusted him implicitly I think you wouldn't have opened the FB message. You looked cos there is a niggling doubt and often that's there for a reason.
  • He's telling another woman she looks gorgeous and initiating a
meeting with her. Honestly, if the shoe was on the other foot, I don't think he would like it if you'd messaged another bloke that he was looking hot, epecially if he was fresh out of a relationship. You could argue that he was trying to cheer her up in light of her having suffered domestic abuse but unless he is completely clueless what's wrong with, 'You're looking really well'?
  • The woman is likely vulnerable having suffered recent domestic
abuse. It's possible he is trying to show kindness. It's also possible he's hoping to take advantage of that.
  • Most men love an ego boost. You say she's gorgeous and your husband is handsome to you but potentially not so much to other women. He may be seduced by the idea that this 'gorgeous' and glamorous woman fancies him and is hoping that coffee leads to more.

Also, if he had planned for Lisa to come too (who you've met), why, if you were free, wouldn't he have asked you to tag along, catch up with Lisa and meet his other friend?

I just looked up 'when are men mostly likely to cheat in a marriage?' and the statistics show it is most likely in the first two years of marriage.

I don't think, OP, that this is a case of adding two and two together and getting five. I think there are red flags. If he's not having an affair with her, my guess is there is a strong possibility that he wants to have one with her...
:(

ShmooBooMoo · 19/07/2017 19:34

OP, would his entitlement be the same wrt divorce if an affair on his behalf led to the break up of your marriage?

XiCi · 19/07/2017 19:37

Don't leave it OP, you could be stewing on this for weeks, driving yourself mad in the process. Talk to him. Tell him that you saw the message and how upset his message to her made you. Make it clear that you won't tolerate any bullshit from him re being a 'rescuer' to this woman. Just talk to him. If something is starting up then it's best to nip it in the bud surely.

CheeseAndOnionIcecream · 19/07/2017 19:40

If my DP messaged a woman telling her she looked 'gorgeous' I'd be seriously concerned and fucking annoyed. Honestly,what is it with some men? They just can't help themselves can they? Always want more than they've got. My sympathies OP.I would just surprise him and turn up at the place they're meeting for coffee and let him explain.......

OnionKnight · 19/07/2017 19:41

OP, would his entitlement be the same wrt divorce if an affair on his behalf led to the break up of your marriage?

That doesn't matter.

PoppyFleur · 19/07/2017 19:44

OP - have you considered protecting your pre marriage assets? A solicitor could draw up a document for you and DH to sign outlining the individual assets you had prior to marriage that are protected in the event of a split.

Please consider doing something like this, I'm not saying I suspect your DH of wrongdoing but it's better for both of you to be clear on what are joint assets built up during marriage and what are individual.

GabsAlot · 19/07/2017 19:46

so he said lisa was coming then he decided not to invite her righte ok

woulnt accept that sorry

debbs77 · 19/07/2017 19:47

So sorry you are going through this xc

gingergenius · 19/07/2017 19:55

FWIW I have only ever had compliments via inbox messages from married men who have used the ensuing conversation as leverage to arrange an illicit meet up. Not one man who has inboxed me has had anything other than an ulterior motive. And most of these incidents happened when I became single. It is the private message that would be the issue for me and I suspect this is the key sticking point for the OP. Calm and clear thinking is required to handle the situation. Not easy when your mind is working overtime. I would sleep on it OP and keep your guard up.

Mummadeeze · 19/07/2017 20:00

Lots of these arguments are convincing but I can still see it being completely innocent if he is the type of person who is effusive with compliments and also was previously fond of this friend (in a platonic way). I have old male friends and flatmates from uni who I would meet out of the blue if they were going through a hard time. He might even have added the Lisa bit so as not to make you feel insecure or jealous because you don't know Sarah and then told you the truth because he felt bad lying. He hasn't hidden anything really. I would give him the benefit of the doubt right now. If she is really glam and gorgeous he might have had a bit of a crush on her in the past and he might feel guilty about that, but it doesn't mean he has any intention of having an affair. Good luck. And sorry you are having to worry as I know how horrible that can be.

stonestokilos · 19/07/2017 20:10

As PP said you clicked on the message when it arrived, which then marked it as read.... he will KNOW that you read that and therefore the rest is a bullshit cover up.

I'm sorry for you but I would put money on in being bad intentions on his part.

What does your gut instinct tell you?

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/07/2017 20:12

What a cow she is though. I escaped from an awful dv situation.Last thing l would do is go and meet a married male friend for support especially one paying me compliments. She wasn't thinking of you at all was she or you or dhs marriage.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/07/2017 20:13

OP, you poor love, this is sad. ☹️💐

abundantlyclear · 19/07/2017 20:13

It's interesting how men turn into a knight in shining armour when the woman is 'gorgeous'. I don't recall ever noting the same behaviour in men when the woman is not so conventionally attractive...

ShmooBooMoo · 19/07/2017 20:14

OnionKnight It clearly does as OP speaks about such matters in her post just a few above mine.

TenForward82 · 19/07/2017 20:29

Him telling you about the meeting doesn't mean he's innocent. The best way to get away with lying is to play it as close to the truth as possible. If OP has no reason to be suspicious he has no reason to hide his phone, from his point of view.

Justaboy · 19/07/2017 20:37

I think OP that you ought to have a bit of a barney with this bloke that is not the way to treat you buggering around with another woman like that. He ought to relalise that the boundary betwixt friend and fling is a very narrow one and not to put you in harms way.

Reading through the lines i do wonder if he really does care for you anyway as if he did I don't think he should be messing around with this other woman like he is. Furthermore of she was genuinely in need of a bit of a shoulder to cry on what weren't you asked along?

Go and put your foot down with him, seems to me your too kind trusting and tolerant.

Justaboy · 19/07/2017 20:38

abundantlyclear How very cynical of you! But how perceptive;(

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 20:38

I don't think it makes a difference whose fault it is when it comes to dividing matrimonial assets sadly. Obviously I'm hoping it'll never come to this, but my mind is working overtime now

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 19/07/2017 20:40

OnionKnight It clearly does as OP speaks about such matters in her post just a few above mine.

It doesn't matter why the marriage ends, or who fucked who.

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