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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'ruined' my best friends life

374 replies

tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 10:34

My two best friends stole my debit card and withdrew money from my card over several days. They were both training in prestigious professional careers.

As soon as I noticed my card gone I contacted the police and when cctv came back I identified my two 'best friends'.

The police arrested them, they admitted guilt due to overwhelming evidence and were found guilty. They were given a suspended sentence but were unable to qualify in their chosen professions as the uni chucked them out and they will never ever work in their chosen profession. Their crimes are 'spent' now but as they got a suspended custodial sentence of two years their criminal record will stay on an enhanced dbs check for the rest of their life. They have lost their chance to work in their dreams jobs and now work in minimum wage menial jobs and will do for the rest of their life, unless they can somehow run their own business of work their way up the career ladder. They will never work with vulnerable people again though.

They have both consistently felt I should have got mad at them, asked for the money back and more but not have gone to the police and ruined their lives. A few people have said since they hadn't committed a crime before, that they'd been good friends previously and had been jealous and stolen the card as a moment of madness. I should have just got double the money back or made an agreement for how much to give back and forget they exists. That it was mean to have gone to the police and showed a lack of compassion, giving them a criminal record for life. They were shocked that I never even discussed anything with them. I'm a very calm person. I don't do angry. I reacted in a calm and collected way. Blocking their numbers and never ever even speaking to them again but I have been shocked that all our mutual friends took their side, thinking what I did was mean.

AIBU to think if you don't want your life ruined and any chance of a career in your dream job destroyed, you shouldn't steal off someone who considered you a friend and you have only yourself to blame?! I feel not an ounce of guilt and never ever will. If you don't want a criminal record. Don't commit a crime. Simple isn't it. AIBU?

OP posts:
TiggyD · 18/07/2017 11:52

I remember the last time...

...which is relevant because blame is dependant on who told me first rather than any of those "fact" things.

Rubies12345 · 18/07/2017 11:57

The OP has clarified this is not the teacher situation. I'm sure in that thread she said it was more than 10 years ago, this sounds like it happened recently.

I think you did the right thing, stealing a debit card and a large amount of money is serious

Huskylover1 · 18/07/2017 11:57

I wouldn't associate with anyone who is supporting the thieves, but here are some things worth mentioning, should you find yourself having to defend your actions again.

  1. A Bank will not look into any alleged theft, until you get a crime number from the Police (so, you had no choice there)
  1. The CCTV would not be made available to you. Another reason that the Police had to be involved.
  1. Had you denied knowing the people on the CCTV, you would be committing a crime yourself (perverting the course of justice).
  1. The amount of money stolen was significant (I presume they withdrew the £250 daily limit many times, so we are talking well over £1k.
  1. In Scots law (not sure about rest of Uk), once a crime is known to Police, the victim has NO say in whether it is progressed. "I don't want to press charges" in Scotland, is met with "It's no longer your decision" If a crime has been committed the Police WILL pursue it, regardless of whether the victim wants this.

I'm presuming you didn't get your money back, given that your "friends" knew your PIN. If you did, you are very lucky, as most Banks would not refund you, as somehow, you have revealed your PIN.

Anyway, a stock response from me to any mutual friends, would be

"I was not prepared to commit a crime in order to protect people who stole £1k+ from me - would you?"

BreconBeBuggered · 18/07/2017 11:57

They were being utter cunts to you and I'm amazed that anyone would think you should have let it go. If a stranger had stolen your card and gone off on a spending spree, nobody would have expected you to go soft on the perpetrator because it would wreck their career.

TheAntiBoop · 18/07/2017 11:58

Op didn't pick their punishment - so those saying it is harsh need to consider why they were given that sentence

Many years ago someone studying law at my uni was stealing cheques from people's post. He had access as he had a job working in the desk. They decided nit to prosecute because they didn't want to ruin his career prospects. Always thought that was wrong

SlothMama · 18/07/2017 12:00

They ruined their own lives the moment they stole your card and used it! They got what they deserved.

fuckwitery · 18/07/2017 12:02

Once you realised it was them you should have asked them to give you the amount back plus double and ended all contact.

Sophie are you kidding? Op gets stolen from and now you are expecting her to lie to the police??? WTAF.

OP they did this all to themselves. YADNBU.

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/07/2017 12:04

YABU for even thinking for a second that you made the wrong choice.

yellowbirdie · 18/07/2017 12:04

YANBU

They only have themselves to blame for the choices they made. You did the right thing.

Sounds like these shitbags were nasty people long before the thefts. I wouldn't have anything to do with anyone that sides with them either - they are just as deranged. Maybe one day they'll wake up and it will sink in what they did to you and know they only have themselves to blame for the consequences. Unfortuntely they sound like vile, entitled immature bullies so that day may never come. Good luck OP with the rest of your life.

tabbymog · 18/07/2017 12:04

Once you'd positively identified them you had no choice whether charges would be made, this is up to the CPS.

DotForShort · 18/07/2017 12:06

Were they planning careers in law? Shock

frieda909 · 18/07/2017 12:06

If a stranger had stolen your card and gone off on a spending spree, nobody would have expected you to go soft on the perpetrator because it would wreck their career.

This is an excellent point. And if anything, I think someone who steals from a friend deserves punishment even more than someone who steals from a stranger!

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/07/2017 12:08

They were both training in prestigious professional careers

A few people have said since they hadn't committed a crime before, that they'd been good friends previously and had been jealous and stolen the card as a moment of madness

You have probably done them a favour if they were training in a top profession and they got jealous of you, how would they have coped when they had qualified. There is always going to be people with more money, bigger house, better car, nicer clothes than you. If they got jealous of them all and stole from them who knows where they would have ended up.

Block all the friends who sided with them and move on and away. You didn't force them to steal they did that on their own. I presume they knew the consequences or did they think rules and laws didn't apply to them

User02 · 18/07/2017 12:08

OP I admire your courage in going to the police and seeing it through to conviction with this crime. Your former friends brought this on themselves. People cant expect to steal and get away with it

Usernamegone · 18/07/2017 12:10

Your friends could retrain to work in any career which doesn't require an enhanced DBS check (I assume).

Many careers don't require DBS checks at all (and I have worked in a variety of industries). If their careers were so important to them they would have known that they had to have no criminal record to persue their careers.

WeAllHaveWings · 18/07/2017 12:10

I remember sitting next to another team at work when one of the team members was asked to go to HR and was them accompanied off site never to return due to gross misconduct.

Turned out she had found out her managers system password and had been putting through overtime payments for herself. When her manager noticed it she reported to HR, an investigation revealed other issues with corporate credit cards and expenses. Her colleagues believed because the manager had worked with this woman for > 10 years and were friends she shouldn't have reported, but had a quiet word instead Hmm.

These type of people are pack animals, it doesn't matter what their friends actually do, loyalty to them comes above all else as they cant envisage life outside the pack. They all turned on the manager, refused to speak to her unless they had to and were generally as awkward as possible making her job a nightmare for weeks until one person stood up for her and told them how weak minded they were and blaming the wrong person.

You are better expanding your horizons beyond this type of dysfunctional weak minded pack now, before something even more outrageous/serious happens and your unconditional loyalty is demanded.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 18/07/2017 12:13

They made their beds by stealing from you, they can sleep in them.

Seriously, they committed a crime against a friend, fuck them and fuck anyone who thinks you should have done anything other than going to the police.

RozencrantzThe1st · 18/07/2017 12:18

What exactly did they think would happen when they stole from somebody. Just because you thought you were friends would mean they didn't commit a crime?
By stealing your debit card and withdrawing money from your card over several days. that is calculated.

That's not really a quality you want in people working with vulnerable people.

lionsleepstonight · 18/07/2017 12:18

If two people needed to be kept away from vulnerable people it's these two!
This is why we have laws, rules such things as DBS checks.....
You did the right thing.

Hissy · 18/07/2017 12:19

You have done nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of.

You had no other option than to say you knew them.

they chose to steal from you, they were not friends
no decent person would associate with them, let alone be stupid enough to tell you that you were unreasonable to follow this through with the police.

cut contact with anyone who sympathises with these thieves.

MikeUniformMike · 18/07/2017 12:20

It was just a stupid prank that went wrong.

Of course you should have denied knowing them from the CCTV - the police are there to have their time wasted and be lied to. OP should have done that so it would be her career that had been ruined.

RubyWinterstorm · 18/07/2017 12:20

how come they knew your PIN?

How much did they take?

Hissy · 18/07/2017 12:20

How long ago did this happen OP?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/07/2017 12:22

@Sophie1938393 - one thought for you.

These people would have needed enhanced dbs checks in order to work in their chosen careers. This says to me that they would be working with vulnerable people.

People who will bully and steal from a friend, could well rationalise bullying and stealing from a vulnerable client. So had the OP not reported them - if she had followed your terrible advice to extort money from them and leave them free to work with vulnerable people - they might have gone on to victimise their clients. If I were the OP, I would not want that on my conscience.

Also - as other posters have said - these people used the OP's card multiple times - so it wasn't just the single crime of stealing the card, it was a number of instances of theft. If someone steals money from your purse once, that is one theft. If they go back a number of times and steal more money each time, that is several thefts, not just one.

@tanglewreck - I read the other thread too, and my opinion was the same then as it is now - you did absolutely NOTHING wrong in going to the police initially, or in pursuing the case once the culprits were unmasked, and you are in NO way responsible for the wreck of their lives - they are solely responsible for that.

SolomanDaisy · 18/07/2017 12:24

It has to be the same people (or this is the same poster working on a piece of fiction from a different angle). Presumably the other poster may have changed minor details to avoid being identified. They were very stupid and acted criminally. I'm not sure that should ruin their lives forever. I think probably the friends who took their side just liked them more than you, rather than looking at the actual events.