Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'ruined' my best friends life

374 replies

tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 10:34

My two best friends stole my debit card and withdrew money from my card over several days. They were both training in prestigious professional careers.

As soon as I noticed my card gone I contacted the police and when cctv came back I identified my two 'best friends'.

The police arrested them, they admitted guilt due to overwhelming evidence and were found guilty. They were given a suspended sentence but were unable to qualify in their chosen professions as the uni chucked them out and they will never ever work in their chosen profession. Their crimes are 'spent' now but as they got a suspended custodial sentence of two years their criminal record will stay on an enhanced dbs check for the rest of their life. They have lost their chance to work in their dreams jobs and now work in minimum wage menial jobs and will do for the rest of their life, unless they can somehow run their own business of work their way up the career ladder. They will never work with vulnerable people again though.

They have both consistently felt I should have got mad at them, asked for the money back and more but not have gone to the police and ruined their lives. A few people have said since they hadn't committed a crime before, that they'd been good friends previously and had been jealous and stolen the card as a moment of madness. I should have just got double the money back or made an agreement for how much to give back and forget they exists. That it was mean to have gone to the police and showed a lack of compassion, giving them a criminal record for life. They were shocked that I never even discussed anything with them. I'm a very calm person. I don't do angry. I reacted in a calm and collected way. Blocking their numbers and never ever even speaking to them again but I have been shocked that all our mutual friends took their side, thinking what I did was mean.

AIBU to think if you don't want your life ruined and any chance of a career in your dream job destroyed, you shouldn't steal off someone who considered you a friend and you have only yourself to blame?! I feel not an ounce of guilt and never ever will. If you don't want a criminal record. Don't commit a crime. Simple isn't it. AIBU?

OP posts:
RB68 · 18/07/2017 12:27

classic victim blaming - they made the choice to do it, they knew the cost to themselves if they were discovered - if they didn't maybe they wouldn't have finished training anyway as something else would have come up. To be honest if the other friends clearly have such a low moral compass as well you are better off without

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 18/07/2017 12:27

They totally deserved everything they got OP and you did they right thing. They caused this not you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/07/2017 12:28

Once you realised it was them you should have asked them to give you the amount back plus double and ended all contact

Remembering what these two "friends"felt entitled to do, do you honestly think they'd have left it at that? Isn't it more likely they'd have spun a hard luck story about how OP had "lent" them some money and was now demanding double the amount in repayment? Hmm

krustykittens · 18/07/2017 12:28

Sorry, haven't read RTFT, but I do remember the friend posting. She said that herself and the girl who stole the money took it from someone they didn't really like and it seemed like a spiteful prank at the time, plus it was really the other girl's fault as she put her up to it. Basically, everyone was responsible except her. I don't see how you could have behaved any differently, OP, you could hardly lie to the police once you recognised them on the CCTV. OP, you are well shot of all of them, including the mutual friends who think you did wrong. I do get sick of this notion that middle class crime isn't that bad, that if someone is at university and has a bright future, they should be let off crime with slap on the wrist. If you don't want a criminal record, don't commit crimes! I was pretty poor when I was at uni (lunch was regularly a mars bar and nothing else and it was my complimentary dinner per shift at my waitressing job the kept me going) but I NEVER stole. Your ex friends sound vile.

Original poster
tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 12:28

I don't know how they knew my pin or took my card and never will.

It happened recently.

OP posts:
quizqueen · 18/07/2017 12:28

There's not many times where I read that the punishment fits the crime but I'm pleased to see that here's one example. These people you once considered as friends got everything coming that they deserved as they proved themselves to be totally untrustworthy ( not just stealing from you but also suggesting that you lie to the police) so I have no sympathy for them and I hope you got all your money back.

I would cut anyone who takes their side out of your life asap. Your ex friends still have chances in life to take other qualifications through the OU etc. so if they have stayed in minimum wage jobs, that's their problem.

BraveBear · 18/07/2017 12:29

I'm assuming your "friends" who stole have overbearing dominant personalities, so the mutuals all quickly fell in line?

Or maybe the mutual friends are cunts too.

Take this as an opportunity to cull the toxic people from your life and start fresh. Don't give them another thought.

Wotrewelookinat · 18/07/2017 12:30

It's too late now anyway, you can't go back in time. Don't have any contact with them ever again and move on from the guilt.
Flowers

NellieFiveBellies · 18/07/2017 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1489675144 · 18/07/2017 12:31

Yanbu

They didn't take a couple of pounds off the coffee table - they took your bank card and PIN and repeatedly withdraw money - not to be trusted.
It was obviously a while ago since crime has been 'spent' so move on and forget about it. Who needs friends like that.

TheWitchAndTrevor · 18/07/2017 12:33

They will never work with vulnerable people again though

Thank fuck.

These sound like the type of chancers that would take advantage of a vulnerable person.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/07/2017 12:33

I do remember the friend posting. She said that herself and the girl who stole the money took it from someone they didn't really like and it seemed like a spiteful prank at the time, plus it was really the other girl's fault as she put her up to it

It really is like little kids in the playground, isn't it? "We were only messing about miss, and she told me to do it "

And these women are supposedly training for some fairly high end, professional career?

Pathetic Hmm

tinypop4 · 18/07/2017 12:34

Yanbu they got what they deserved and you don't need 'friends' who steal from you. I would be outraged and have done exactly the same and your mutual friends defending them should also be cut out.
Get some new friends and don't feel bad about shopping thieves to the police - they don't deserve any career where trust is involved.

user1489675144 · 18/07/2017 12:35

There have been instances of 'middle class/upper class' crime where the judge has been quite lenient to avoid disrupting their studies/the future etc..... totally wrong - with a 'good' background people have less reason to break the law and so shouldn't get lighter sentences.
Someone from a troubled background gets no pity (not at UNI etc) but might have more reason to commit some crimes (poverty etc).
www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/shes-spoilt-rich-kid-gets-13052648

Eg Spoilt Uni rich girl stabs boyfriend and gets away with it -

LurkingFather · 18/07/2017 12:38

The thing which condemns wrongdoers actually much more than most intial crimes in the eyes of most of the professional regulators (GMC, HCPC, Teaching council etc etc) is subsequent lack of accepting of responsibility.

The wailing of them suggests that they never really saw what they had done wrong, so they are not suited to the profession they chose.

I think you have done right by reporting and right by identifying them.

FWIW, most professions allow after a few years of erasure a new application to the register - but to achieve that one needs to have fully accepted responsibility for the crime and the punishment.

Guavaf1sh · 18/07/2017 12:39

YANBU

WormwooodScrubbed · 18/07/2017 12:39

The 'I've read this before' comments are getting a bit old now.

That may well be the case but the previous thread had the same writing style, albeit am sure it was a credit card that time not a debit card. There's so much bullshit on social media that you can't blame people for being skeptical. Looks like most PP have given you the benefit of the doubt anyway.

I agree with the PP who said you didn't protect your PIN so have no come back on that.

LIZS · 18/07/2017 12:40

Why are these people still in your life? They conspired against and exploited you. I'm sorry this has clouded a phase of your life but noone who does this to a friend is worth this angst. No doubt those who are sympathising with them have heard a different version of events but their attitude calls their judgement into question. Maybe in time they will reevaluate things. Please try to move on.

Twickerhun · 18/07/2017 12:41

How long does it take for a conviction to be 'spent' I'm guenuinely curios

juneau · 18/07/2017 12:43

  1. These people are not your 'best friends'. They stole from you.

  2. You didn't ruin their lives - they did that for themselves when they stole your money.

  3. They think you shouldn't have gone to the police, or told the police you didn't know them? They're idiots, as well as nasty, jealous criminals.

WatchingFromTheWings · 18/07/2017 12:43

It happened recently.

Iirc the other thread stated it was 10+ years ago cause she was moaning she felt she'd been punished enough and surely it shouldn't be following her around after all this time boo fuckin hoo.

In any case I have no sympathy for anyone who does this, be it to a stranger or a friend. They got what they deserve and clearly cannot be trusted.

glitterlips1 · 18/07/2017 12:45

I think what you did was right. If they were going into a profession where they might be working with valuable people imagine the money they would end up fleecing from them over the years.

mamamac101 · 18/07/2017 12:45

YANBU
They got what they deserved.

user1489675144 · 18/07/2017 12:49

If it happened "recently" then the crimes couldn't possibly be spent yet! You said they received a suspended prison sentence so not spent yet

Purplepicnic · 18/07/2017 12:50

I have some questions;

How much money are we talking?

Were they poorer than you? (Think you've already said you are comfortable but what was their situation?)

Did they have the opportunity to confess before you went to the police? Did they know you were going?

Did you have the chance not to press charges or was that not an option?

Had you previously fallen out with them? Had you not behaved well towards them?

None of the answers make the slightest difference to what I think but might to the mutual friends who are taking their side.