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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'ruined' my best friends life

374 replies

tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 10:34

My two best friends stole my debit card and withdrew money from my card over several days. They were both training in prestigious professional careers.

As soon as I noticed my card gone I contacted the police and when cctv came back I identified my two 'best friends'.

The police arrested them, they admitted guilt due to overwhelming evidence and were found guilty. They were given a suspended sentence but were unable to qualify in their chosen professions as the uni chucked them out and they will never ever work in their chosen profession. Their crimes are 'spent' now but as they got a suspended custodial sentence of two years their criminal record will stay on an enhanced dbs check for the rest of their life. They have lost their chance to work in their dreams jobs and now work in minimum wage menial jobs and will do for the rest of their life, unless they can somehow run their own business of work their way up the career ladder. They will never work with vulnerable people again though.

They have both consistently felt I should have got mad at them, asked for the money back and more but not have gone to the police and ruined their lives. A few people have said since they hadn't committed a crime before, that they'd been good friends previously and had been jealous and stolen the card as a moment of madness. I should have just got double the money back or made an agreement for how much to give back and forget they exists. That it was mean to have gone to the police and showed a lack of compassion, giving them a criminal record for life. They were shocked that I never even discussed anything with them. I'm a very calm person. I don't do angry. I reacted in a calm and collected way. Blocking their numbers and never ever even speaking to them again but I have been shocked that all our mutual friends took their side, thinking what I did was mean.

AIBU to think if you don't want your life ruined and any chance of a career in your dream job destroyed, you shouldn't steal off someone who considered you a friend and you have only yourself to blame?! I feel not an ounce of guilt and never ever will. If you don't want a criminal record. Don't commit a crime. Simple isn't it. AIBU?

OP posts:
KC225 · 18/07/2017 11:26

YANBU. If they could do that to one of their best friends, imagine what they could do to a vulnerable stranger. I am glad and grateful you have stopped them in their tracks.

If they are intelligent enough to go to university and to study for a profession which requires exemplary record then the should have the sense not to steal and commit fraud.

Blaming you and taking no responsibility for their actions is pathetic. They did NOT act in a moment of madness. They took a card which requires a journey to a cashpoint and a shops and they did this over several days. I would call that persistent thieving.

This must have been a huge blow.ofr you and would have rock your trust and faith in people. Hopefully, you have move Don from this. Don't worry about them. They ruined their own lives.

cluelessnewmum · 18/07/2017 11:26

I did read the other post, OP but I am only mentioning that as I remember your ex-friend saying that she was training to be a teacher - the majority of the posts where along the lines of 'I wouldn't want someone like you teaching my kids'.

That's the whole point. There a reason why people with a criminal record aren't put in a position where they are responsible for vulnerable people.

The crime they committed was not stealing a few sweets from the corner shop when you're 13. It was premeditated and at an age where you can't say you were too young to know better.

The lack of insight she showed, both at the time and even now, that this sort of act is not compatible with being responsible for young people's lives just confirmed her lack of suitability for the profession.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 18/07/2017 11:27

YANBU. They withdrew money from your card over several days. It could be argued that if they'd only done it once that could be a "moment of madness" but not to go to sleep on it, wake up in the morning and still think it's a good thing to steal/commit fraud. Nope, fuck'em I'm afraid. It's sad that they will have to completely rethink their life plans but...well...tough. It's called taking personal responsibility and understanding consequences of actions.

Reported
Why Konichi?

TippyTinkleTrousers · 18/07/2017 11:27

I don't understand why this has been reported?
Because the OP might have posted about this before?

So what, I've posted about the same thing before, sometimes from a different angle or because something in the situation has changed.

Or reporting because the offenders may have put their side across?

I don't geddit!

Minkyfluffster · 18/07/2017 11:28

I think that once you were shown the CCTV evidence you had no choice, you could have been in trouble if you had lied at that point.

Did the banks give you the money back?

You did the right thing, they are giving people sob stories, they can still get good jobs if convictions are spent, yes not in their original field but they could retrain and get higher salary.

HidingUnderARock · 18/07/2017 11:29

Worryingly, their chosen careers were much higher paid than a teacher.
My immediate thought was lawyers, which has me laughing out loud.
Yes I'm ashamed of myself :x

ItsNachoCheese · 18/07/2017 11:29

They stole your card and your money! Of course you havent "ruined" their lives, they ruined them when they stole your card. Hell mend them i have no sympathy for them its their own fault

Glumglowworm · 18/07/2017 11:30

They ruined their own lives by committing the crime in the first place

Yadnbu

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/07/2017 11:31

I think the saying "if you can't do the time don't do the crime" is very apt.

I would seriously question the mental state of someone who thought that you would not go to the police on finding out you had money stolen from your account.

As for the "friends" who sided with them, I wonder if anything gets lost or stolen in the future whether their suspicions will get the better of them

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 18/07/2017 11:34

They got what they deserved

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/07/2017 11:36

Sophie1938393 I can't help wondering if you're one of the "friends" - whether the ones who stole or the "extended" group - but just to clarify:

They only commited one crime. Not several crimes against you

It might have been the same type of crime, but it was repeated over several days, which does indeed make it "several crimes"

By going to the police you knew you would give them a criminal record and ruin any chance of them getting a job in their chosen career. That is cruel and two wrongs don't make a right

Committing crime and reporting it and not "two wrongs" ... in this case they're multiple offences and one fully justified action which resulted from them

Hope that clears it up for you ... Hmm

SandyDenny · 18/07/2017 11:36

I remember the previous thread too and iirc there was little or no sympathy for the thief in just the same way that most people today agree with you.

This suggets that your other friends either don't have the full story or are very unrepresenative of the majority of people.

OnionKnight · 18/07/2017 11:38

YANBU, they got what they deserved.

alltouchedout · 18/07/2017 11:40

Even if they feel their crimes didn't warrant the consequences they got, the fact that they are still not taking responsibility and are blaming you for their actions and the outcome shows that they were desperately unsuited to any profession requiring high standards of personal conduct. They sound like absolute wankers, and I am someone who believes wholeheartedly in rehabilitation and redemption and the need for people to be able to move on from past bad choices. But you can't have that until you have first accepted responsibility, examined your actions and character, and developed some insight and taken real steps to change.

FeralBeryl · 18/07/2017 11:43

Ooh I remember the last..
Only joking OP Wink

I'm assuming they were studying medicine or law - both positions of immense public trust. They did not have the moral foundation for either of these careers, you've done them a favour!

It is indefensible to say OP should have taken a 'backhander' and brushed this under the rug. They stole repeatedly from someone meant to be their friend.

If they were genuinely sorry - they would have owned up, apologised, not waited for the police to knock on their doors.

laGrosellaEspinosa · 18/07/2017 11:44

Wow, so they excluded you from your own friendship group, joined forces to steal from you, and then expected you to lie to the police when the police confronted you with cctv footage. I wouldn't have been able to lie to the police.

AnneTwacky · 18/07/2017 11:45

The fact that they're trying to shift the blame onto you, for their downfall, instead of taking responsibility for their own actions, suggests to me that they still can't be trusted.
There's no remorse between them for what they did, only self pity because they had to face the consequences for the awful thing they did to you. Do not let them make you feel guilty when they were definitely the ones in the wrong.
I would just leave them, their whining and the hurt they caused you in the past so you can let go, move on and be free.

Duckiesprettycrazy · 18/07/2017 11:45

YANBU, my son's best friend stole from us, it was a massive betrayal of trust and although I hesitated in going to the police, it was the right thing to do.

Motherbear26 · 18/07/2017 11:45

I can almost (only almost though!) see how financial crimes can be seen as 'victimless'. People assume monies can be recovered from the bank (which is not always the case, actually) so where's the harm? This is not the same as that because there was a tangible victim, you OP. To me, that is worse than any other type of theft. They stole from someone who trusted them. I try not to be judgemental, but I think these vile people deserve everything they get. And as far as I'm concerned they got off pretty lightly.

Don't waste any more of your time worrying about what they or your mutual 'friends' think. It's very easy to wax lyrical about hypotheticals. They weren't put in that awful position so they couldn't say what they would have done. What happened to them is not your fault, it is theirs and it is high time they took some responsibility. I'd be willing to bet that this awful attitude, blaming everyone else for their mistakes, is part of the reason for the downturn in their careers as well as the criminal record. Move on with your head held high and leave these horrid people with their negativity.

QuimReaper · 18/07/2017 11:45

Was the thread by the friend deleted? I can't find it. It was quite some months ago though, I too remember it being an AIBU title (something like "to think my life shouldn't be ruined because of one mistake?") but it might have been in _Chat.

No chance it was a coincidence by the way. Or, an infinitesimally minuscule chance at best.

WetPaint4 · 18/07/2017 11:47

If two people I didn't know had done this to me I'd have definitely pushed for the highest form of punishment.

But as these people were calling themselves your friends, you were not only right to identify them, you should find them in their jobs and say loudly "just think, if you weren't such a cold, stealing bitch you'd be a [insert profession here] right now".

Real friends are supposed to love you, be there for you. Protect you as much as they can and look after you. Not steal from you and make you feel like shit. Not put you through stress and violate your trust. Once a person does that, you are no longer friends and you don't owe them shit.

KanyeWesticle · 18/07/2017 11:48

You were absolutely in the right to go to the police. You didn't know it was them.

Once you were with the police, and saw the CCTV, you can't lie to them. That would be a crime in itself.

You were in the right. They earned their criminal records. And they can retrain into any number of careers if they want them - including teaching/care work etc.

TiggyD · 18/07/2017 11:50

I'm guessing lawyers too.

A big difference between a desperate friend making a mistake for a minute, and unkind ex "friends" doing something over several days.

The suggestion afterwards is a bit amazing too. "We're not criminals. We made made a one off mistake. Now lie to the police for us!" WTF?

annasfarmgirl · 18/07/2017 11:51

Once you realised it was them you should have asked them to give you the amount back plus double and ended all contact.

Erm that would be blackmail...

I think it's really interesting that they and your mutual friends all seem to have a very clear idea of how YOU should have behaved in the situation and what YOU did wrong, but are apparently clueless when it comes to how THEY should have behaved in the first place!

frieda909 · 18/07/2017 11:51

I remember the old thread too (sorry!) and I think some inconsistencies are to be expected. People often change small details to avoid being too easily identified on here. I'd be very surprised if it wasn't the same person as the stories are far too similar to be coincidental.

Anyway, enough of that. You were definitely not in the wrong! They chose to steal from you, repeatedly, over several days. That's not a 'moment of madness'! And the idea that you should have lied to the police to cover for them is ridiculous.

Yes, it sucks for them that their careers were left in ruins but the fact that they would even think to blame you for this would suggest that they're still not particularly good people.