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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'ruined' my best friends life

374 replies

tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 10:34

My two best friends stole my debit card and withdrew money from my card over several days. They were both training in prestigious professional careers.

As soon as I noticed my card gone I contacted the police and when cctv came back I identified my two 'best friends'.

The police arrested them, they admitted guilt due to overwhelming evidence and were found guilty. They were given a suspended sentence but were unable to qualify in their chosen professions as the uni chucked them out and they will never ever work in their chosen profession. Their crimes are 'spent' now but as they got a suspended custodial sentence of two years their criminal record will stay on an enhanced dbs check for the rest of their life. They have lost their chance to work in their dreams jobs and now work in minimum wage menial jobs and will do for the rest of their life, unless they can somehow run their own business of work their way up the career ladder. They will never work with vulnerable people again though.

They have both consistently felt I should have got mad at them, asked for the money back and more but not have gone to the police and ruined their lives. A few people have said since they hadn't committed a crime before, that they'd been good friends previously and had been jealous and stolen the card as a moment of madness. I should have just got double the money back or made an agreement for how much to give back and forget they exists. That it was mean to have gone to the police and showed a lack of compassion, giving them a criminal record for life. They were shocked that I never even discussed anything with them. I'm a very calm person. I don't do angry. I reacted in a calm and collected way. Blocking their numbers and never ever even speaking to them again but I have been shocked that all our mutual friends took their side, thinking what I did was mean.

AIBU to think if you don't want your life ruined and any chance of a career in your dream job destroyed, you shouldn't steal off someone who considered you a friend and you have only yourself to blame?! I feel not an ounce of guilt and never ever will. If you don't want a criminal record. Don't commit a crime. Simple isn't it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Tissunnyupnorth · 18/07/2017 11:12

Definitely read the alternative view, as posted by 'friend' on here. Wasn't this a long time ago, whilst you were living together at Uni?

MamaHanji · 18/07/2017 11:13

YANBU

I would be even MORE fucked off that a 'friend' would steal from me.

Where the hell do people get the brass balls to steal from someone and blame them for being punished?

You've got a lucky break in all your other 'friends' showing their true colours too,

Scum, the lot of them.

upperlimit · 18/07/2017 11:13

It doesn't make a blind bit of difference. They made you a victim of their criminal behaviour. You could be sat on a euro-millions jackpot and they'd still be thieving scumbags who fucked over a friend.

HipsterHunter · 18/07/2017 11:13

Wow.

You were totally not U.

Original poster
tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 11:13

It doesn't matter to me if either of them have written about this before. I don't care.

OP posts:
Konichiwagoodbye · 18/07/2017 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

m4rdybum · 18/07/2017 11:14

This is disgusting behaviour of the friends who defrauded you and also your friends that are sticking up for them.

I would shop the bastards as soon as I realised, and cut all ties - they are not your friends.

YANBU

NachoAddict · 18/07/2017 11:15

I remember the thread from the other perspective too.

You were well within your rights to inform the police and your friends need to accept the consequences of their actions and move on.

WizardOfToss · 18/07/2017 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZanyMobster · 18/07/2017 11:18

Did you tell them you'd been stolen from before going to the police? They sound horrible so I really wouldn't worry about what your mutual friend says

Clutterbugsmum · 18/07/2017 11:18

I think you did the right thing OP.

The only people who chose to ruin their lives was themselves. They chose to steal and have no one to blame but themselves.

But reading this thread just goes to show why most people are blaming you, because once again people can not and will not admit they are at fault. It always has to be someone else's fault.

upperlimit · 18/07/2017 11:20

It doesn't matter to me if either of them have written about this before.

Ok. It is just very unusual. For both parties to find themselves making their case on Mumsnet, especially when there's nothing about children in the story. So people are surprised. And, if I were you, I'd be interested in how they are minimising the story, given how they are selling this to mutual friends.

LeannePerrins · 18/07/2017 11:21

The 'I've read this before' comments are getting a bit old now.

Are you new here?! Brace yourself for pages and pages of them as most people will only read the first page of the thread before posting.

Branleuse · 18/07/2017 11:21

Its their own fault. They can go fuck themselves

Original poster
tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 11:22

I have children upperlimit but it was not relevant to the post.

I can't see the post so can't comment on it and don't have interest in it. Even if they had written about it. It doesn't impact on me at all. So why would I care, or anyone care for that matter?

Even if they'd written a hundred posts on it. It simply doesn't matter.

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 18/07/2017 11:23

They withdrew money several times over several days. It wasn't a moment of madness instantly regretted. Neither did they own up and show remorse before the OP went to the police.

Exactly this!

lalalalyra · 18/07/2017 11:23

It sounds as if your mutual friends think it was a 'victimless' crime because they expect that you'd get your money back from the bank.

Which totally ignores how horribly unsettling it is to be stolen from. And conveniently forgets the vulnerability you feel when someone you know is the one that does that too you.

ENtirely their own fault. Of course the OP was going to report it to the police. And expecting someone to lie to the police to cover up your crime isn't something a friend would do, even if you ignore the thieving in the first place!

ZippyCameBack · 18/07/2017 11:24

Presumably they knew that a criminal conviction would end their careers? And they chose to do it anyway, not from desperation or fear, but for pure spite?

Original poster
tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 11:24

Oh dear leanne. Yes new here.

I just ignore all the 'this is similar' comments.

I've much bigger things to worry about than if any of them have written about this before. Also there's over a million people on mumsnet. Could easily not be them especially since the details don't seem to add up in terms of their profession and where the crime too place.

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 18/07/2017 11:24

Ah yes, I recognise this too! OP, you did the right thing. They fucked their own careers up, nothing to do with you. These were not friends.

QuizteamBleakley · 18/07/2017 11:24

How old were these 'friends'? 12?!

user1492692527 · 18/07/2017 11:24

OP I think you did absolutely the right thing. They knew there would be consequences to their actions - and where would they eventually have escalated to? Other friends should just butt out!

hollyisalovelyname · 18/07/2017 11:25

With friends like them, who needs enemies!
The thieves AND the people who say you shouldn't have contacted the police.
I'm sure you were gobsmacked and gutted when you saw them on the cctv.
The people supporting them are no friends of yours.
Forget about the whole lot of them. Move on to nicer people.
I hope you are not still flat sharing with any of them.
YADNBU OP

upperlimit · 18/07/2017 11:25

You might care because people are telling you that in their story they are minimising their criminality in the event and you were asking why your mutual friends are sympathetic towards them?

Cocklodger · 18/07/2017 11:25

Sophie1938393
two wrongs don't make a right
But you're advising op to break the law (its likely blackmail to extort people in that way by asking for 3x the original stolen amount). You're advising her to commit a crime too.
How fucking stupid.
Of course two wrongs don't make a right OP did what she legally should've done