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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'ruined' my best friends life

374 replies

tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 10:34

My two best friends stole my debit card and withdrew money from my card over several days. They were both training in prestigious professional careers.

As soon as I noticed my card gone I contacted the police and when cctv came back I identified my two 'best friends'.

The police arrested them, they admitted guilt due to overwhelming evidence and were found guilty. They were given a suspended sentence but were unable to qualify in their chosen professions as the uni chucked them out and they will never ever work in their chosen profession. Their crimes are 'spent' now but as they got a suspended custodial sentence of two years their criminal record will stay on an enhanced dbs check for the rest of their life. They have lost their chance to work in their dreams jobs and now work in minimum wage menial jobs and will do for the rest of their life, unless they can somehow run their own business of work their way up the career ladder. They will never work with vulnerable people again though.

They have both consistently felt I should have got mad at them, asked for the money back and more but not have gone to the police and ruined their lives. A few people have said since they hadn't committed a crime before, that they'd been good friends previously and had been jealous and stolen the card as a moment of madness. I should have just got double the money back or made an agreement for how much to give back and forget they exists. That it was mean to have gone to the police and showed a lack of compassion, giving them a criminal record for life. They were shocked that I never even discussed anything with them. I'm a very calm person. I don't do angry. I reacted in a calm and collected way. Blocking their numbers and never ever even speaking to them again but I have been shocked that all our mutual friends took their side, thinking what I did was mean.

AIBU to think if you don't want your life ruined and any chance of a career in your dream job destroyed, you shouldn't steal off someone who considered you a friend and you have only yourself to blame?! I feel not an ounce of guilt and never ever will. If you don't want a criminal record. Don't commit a crime. Simple isn't it. AIBU?

OP posts:
HappyLabrador · 18/07/2017 10:50

You are not being remotely unreasonable.

They should have anticipated the consequences before they stole from you shouldn't they? You're right not to feel an ounce of guilt.

flumpybear · 18/07/2017 10:51

Have they been to court? What did they receive as punishment?

LaurieFairyCake · 18/07/2017 10:51

They're criminals who think that if they get 'caught' by their victims they still shouldn't be held accountable Shock

They're fucking scumbag arseholes who don't deserve to have decent jobs

Syc4moreTrees · 18/07/2017 10:51

I've read this before...

Original poster
tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 10:51

Oh I've not spoken to any of the two women who did this. Stayed in contact with just one mutual friend.

Just thought I'd put the scenario out there. See what people think.

OP posts:
jajabonks · 18/07/2017 10:51

You're still friends with them????
You did they right thing
Their own fault that THEY have ruined their future careers and I bet if they had stolen from the other lot of friends they wouldn't be thinking they should just let them off.
I'd probably try and look for some new friends

Booboobooboo84 · 18/07/2017 10:51

I think your def not being unreasonable.

Your not responsible for the consequences of their actions. They made a lot of choices. They chose to steal the card, they chose to risk their career, they chose to not confess to stealing the card. You simply chose to ask the police to investigate.

People with poor decision making skills like those two should not be near vulnerable people. If they would steal from a friend then they'd steal from a vulnerable person.

Ryandarling · 18/07/2017 10:52

oh wow similar thread to the one before

mumonashoestring · 18/07/2017 10:53

YANBU - as someone who trains people in a field where honesty and professional standards are important I can tell you we can do without people whose grasp of acceptable behaviour is so poor they can't make basic decisions like 'I have access to this but should not steal it, therefore I won't steal it'. Fuck knows what would happen when we handed them a life/death decision to be made on behalf of a vulnerable service user. You've done the right thing.

Sophie how about compassion for the victims these morally bankrupt fuckers would be let loose on once they'd finished their training? If someone is capable of behaving like this, chances are their planned career was not the right one for them.

RhubardGin · 18/07/2017 10:54

Fuck em and your other so called friends who are taking their side.

Neither of them should be anywhere near vulnerable people!

I would find a new flat, new friends and never speak to these people again.

e1y1 · 18/07/2017 10:55

Is this an ongoing thing?

I have seen this story before almost word for word.

Where they your housemates at one time?

Sorry if not, but I clearly remember this one.

upperlimit · 18/07/2017 10:55

What a pair of fucking muppets. They deserve everything that came to them.

And cut the sympathisers out of your life, you don't have to entertain this nonsense.

steppemum · 18/07/2017 10:56

wow, just wow.
They committed a crime, against a friend and are surprised when the crime is found out that they should suffer the consequences!

They should have worried about their professional careers before they committed the crime

I am glad they aren't anywhere near my kids (for example) wht kind of moral example would they teach?

upperlimit · 18/07/2017 10:56

Yes, the story does sound almost exactly the same. It wouldn't be that surprising if they changed their profession in their op to offer some anonymity.

DividedKingdom · 18/07/2017 10:56

I also remember the related thread. Absolutely awful for you to be put through something like this OP. I seem to remember they were law students but might be making that up in my head Smile. Either way, if they think stealing from anyone, and particularly someone who trusted them, then I'm relieved that they will be legally prevented from being put in a position where they could ever do that again.

AdoraBell · 18/07/2017 10:57

YANBU OP

Their actions have ruined their chances of professional jobs.

lanouvelleheloise · 18/07/2017 10:57

Wow, that's appalling behaviour.

I am not condoning what they did in the slightest. But I think I would probably have let it go when I realised who they were. I would have found it hard to forgive, and impossible to forget, and I highly doubt we'd have remained friends. But I would perhaps not have pursued them to the extent of wrecking their chances at their chosen profession. It would depend a bit on who they were, of course - and what else they were like. I am absolutely NOT saying you did the wrong thing - just that here are several courses of action available, and several understandings of what is 'right'. I honestly don't think you should feel any guilt for choosing a different path.

e1y1 · 18/07/2017 10:57

*were

Ceto · 18/07/2017 10:58

Well, it wasn't a moment of madness, was it? A moment of madness would be taking the card in the first place. Taking the card and deciding to use it to steal from you several times over several days is a very deliberate decision to steal with you, probably because they thought they'd get away with it because you wouldn't report it. It must have been incredibly hurtful to you that so-called best friends would do that to you. And the fact that they were jealous is equally no excuse: that's just utterly childish.

The only people who ruined their lives was them, and if your other friends can't work that out, they aren't real friends.

Saladd0dger · 18/07/2017 10:58

I remember one of them posting here before to. Yanbu, brought it on themselves

ExplodedCloud · 18/07/2017 10:58

How did they withdraw money? Did they have your PIN?
Anyway, they did it not once in a moment of madness followed by a confession, but several times and presumably denying it if it went to court.
I can't understand why anyone halfway clever would do this when they needed a clean sheet for work so yanbu.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 18/07/2017 10:58

Sophie - you're presuming that they would have confessed to the crime and willingly paid double. I don't think someone who would do what they did, would suddenly feel guilty and repent so thoroughly.

SeaCabbage · 18/07/2017 10:59

But Sophie they used the card over several days. It wasn't a one off purchase.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/07/2017 10:59

Ask your mutual friends how they'd feel if the person employed as a carer for their vulnerable elderly parent was the kind of person who'd steal a bank card, not from a complete stranger but even from their best friends?

What they did was abhorrent, the BEST thing to come out of this is that neither of those people will ever work with the vulnerable. They will be able to carve out different careers in time but they won't ever be in that kind of position of trust- thank god.

Ceto · 18/07/2017 11:00

I can't see what's wrong with spoiling their chances of following their chosen profession. It's obviously one that depends on the public being able to trust people, and these two have demonstrated that they are absolutely untrustworthy. It wouldn't be so bad if it was a one-off piece of stupidity, but this was a cold-blooded decision to steal and continue stealing over several days. If they got away with it once, there is every danger they would do it again.