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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want DP ex to stay here with us?

237 replies

Lydia393 · 17/07/2017 15:39

Quite a complex story so bare with me.

Me and DP have been with each other for 2 years. In December last year, a girl my DP has slept with on a few occasions approached him and said he was the father to her one year old daughter. He took a DNA test which came back he was the father and vowed to support his daughter and be in her life. I obviously was heartbroken that he had another child with another women (despite us not being together when it occurred) but I had spent a year of my life with this man by that point so we decided to work through it.

Since the mother of his child has came in to his life, she has been nothing but hard work. I am sure she has some sort of feelings for him deep down and resents that he is with me. She causes issues (lies about her daughter being sick to get the attention on her etc) attempts to start arguments with me over social media (which I never react to) Accuses DP of loving me more than he does his daughter, just petty things like that.

His DD comes round every weekend and she will not allow me to meet his daughter, so I have to stay at my mums when she comes over for the weekend else she won't let DP have her.

I live with him although its his house that he owns, I have no legal rights to it but I do contribute towards the bills etc from my own wages. She plays on this, tells him I have "no right" being in his house and that his daughter has more of a right to be there than I do so if she wants to come over, I must leave.

Now another drama filled situation has come up. Her tenancy has ended on her house and the landlords want to sell so she has to move out. She has sorted a new property to move in to but this wont be ready until the 18th of August and she has to leave her current property by Friday so she will be effectively homeless until then. She does have family close by (mum, dad, sister) but has told DP that she has fallen out with them and they've said she can't stay with them.

She is expecting DP to put both her and her DD up until they're able to move in to their new property. DP told her that DD is welcome to stay but she is not, she has kicked up a fuss saying she has more right to be there than I do because she is the mother of his child and owes her a duty of care as her daughters mother (we have no children). She has told him she is putting me before his daughter and the mother of his daughter.

He is now reconsidering letting her stay because they have a conversation and he said he felt sorry for her because "she sounded like she genuinely didn't have anywhere to go" The thing is, if they do stay I will probably have to leave (if I don't, she will use her daughter against DP) so I will have to stay with my mum for a month, if not then I don't really want to share the house with such a volatile person who causes problems and who clearly does not like me.

She enjoys pushing me out of his and his families life's and feel like her daughter is a ticket to do so. Such as I was invited to his sisters wedding a few months ago but I could not go in the end because she decided she would not let her DD go to the wedding UNLESS she was also coming, so his sister had to invite her too so her niece could be there (then she refused to come if I was invited so I was asked not to come!)

AIBU if I tell DP I don't want her to stay? It's his house and I don't want to control what he does I just feel its a bit cheeky, if she was a nice person and behaved like a mother opposed to a jealous trouble maker, I would have less of an issue.

It hurts me that he has fathered a child by another women (even though we wasn't together) but the fact she is such a horrible person just makes it worse.

She doesn't work, she supports herself entirely off the money he gives her in child support (over £1000 a month) so I see no reason she can't put herself up in a b&b

OP posts:
Amd724 · 18/07/2017 13:15

Why do you really think he says that she says that you cannot be around his daughter? That must vacate the house when the daughter comes? Its because his daughter isn't the only one in that house! She's coming over as well. He doesn't want to get caught and he's claiming that she's crazy, when if anything, he's shacking up with his ex. I believe she's pregnant. He refuses to get a DNA test because its his baby. Like, come on, its time for you to go. Its also time for his ex to stay his ex and stop fucking him, because he's lying to her as well.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 18/07/2017 13:20

Run and don't look back, this will never get any better.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/07/2017 13:21

She wants me to break up with him, so if I do I am giving her exactly what she wants

Then give her what she wants - honesty OP he's not worth having if this is what you have to go through - he really, really isn't.

Just consider yourself lucky that YOU aren't pregnant as well because you would be tied to this tosser (and his batshit ex) for the rest of your life in one way or another.

Leave now.

19lottie82 · 18/07/2017 13:21

AMD has nailed it. Seriously OP take a step back and look at this from an outsiders point of view.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 18/07/2017 13:29

OP - his life is a bit of a mess isn't it?

Time to walk away. So what if that's what she wants, if he doesn't really want to be with her, she still won't get him back. What she wants only matters if you are with him. She only matters to you because you are with her exP, if you aren't with her exP, then it no longer matters what she thinks or does.

If you want to make it work with him, then after 2 years, you need to be his real partner, meaning you don't leave your home when his DD is coming over.

Re the next pregnancy, wait and see what happens on that. There might well not be a baby. Or there might and it not be your DPs. If it is, then obviously your relationship is over and she's "won" a man who cares so little for her, he'll have sex with her, but not want to have a proper relationship with her.

But I still maintain your best option would be end this relationship for now. If he moves her in straight away, then frankly he can't have been that in love with you, so it wouldn't have lasted long term anyway.

Neverknowing · 18/07/2017 13:38

I feel incredibly sorry for you op. What a horrid situation.
He needs to look after his child for LIFE so you will have this behaviour from him and her for the rest of your life. He needs to either take her to court and sort this out or you need to leave him!
Everything you've said rings alarm bells. You have to stay away at your mums every weekend?! Mental, he needs to sort his shit out.

UnicornSparkles1 · 18/07/2017 13:41

Oh come on. She will be pregnant, he will be the father. I've seen enough Jeremy Kyle to know how this will all end.

You need to wake up and be grateful that you've only wasted two years on this shit. Run like the wind and don't look back.

PurpleDragon76 · 18/07/2017 13:51

Seriously, everything, absolutely everything is telling you to get all your belongings and money and get the hell out! Yes it hurts, yes its a horribly unfair but hold onto your dignity and say enough. If you were my real life friend I swear I'd come round the house and pack for you. This is never going to end, if he's not stood up for himself by now then he never will. The ex is insane! Run like the wind and don't turn round. If by some tiny glimmer of hope he loves you and has been faithful then this will give him a wake up call to prove it to you by sorting his life out. If he has evidence of her threatening to report him for rape then its the evidence to prove her wrong if she did do that. He, his ex, his family are not supporting you at all. What are you getting from this relationship?

Miserylovescompany2 · 18/07/2017 13:53

So the ex became pregnant in January, she claims he's the father to unborn child. Do you realistically think this unborn child is the result of a one off sexual encounter? More than likely he's been playing two people along this entire time. Think about it?

He's done an excellent job of painting the ex as a nut-job...(too good, that in itself should be ringing alarm bells in your ears)

When he chucks you out your own home does he have any communication with you? If he does, I bet it's only in text form. You can't hear what's going on in the background with a text message.

PollytheDolly · 18/07/2017 13:56

Oh god! I hope you're planning his exit from your life as I type Flowers

MartinaMartini · 18/07/2017 14:01

You poor thing, what a shitty situation to be in. Agree with others above, that although she's a total crank, he's the problem you're living with. Why doesn't he go to court, get an official childcare arrangement made and then that puts a stop to her games?

I think you'd be best to cut and run in the long term. How would any future kids of your own fit into this saga? Would they have to move out to your mums too everytime his daughter visits?

Save yourself the future hassle/ stress and heartache.

JockTamsonsBairns · 18/07/2017 15:04

No, but they tend not to want to move in with their rapists

You'd be surprised.

squirtymcsquirterson · 18/07/2017 15:12

Has OP disappeared? I hope she's ok

Foxysoxy01 · 18/07/2017 15:18

I like the idea of another poster of getting them together in a room all 3 of you and work out who is really telling the truth!

ConstanceCraving · 18/07/2017 15:31

To me it sounds like the bf and ex are in this together and are trying to get the OP to leave which I really hope she does.

19lottie82 · 18/07/2017 15:46

Constance I wouldn't think so. Well maybe the ex wants rid of the OP, but I reckon the BF just wants to have his cake and eat it.

ConstanceCraving · 18/07/2017 15:49

Any decent man that hasn't done anything wrong wouldn't put his partner through this.

There's more to this than just the "crazy ex" imo.

OohMavis · 18/07/2017 15:57

He's playing you both.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 18/07/2017 16:08

YOU'RE FEEDING HER DRAMA!

Why the hell do you think it's a good idea to 'humour her' by making your dp take a dna when he's not had sex with her!

By 'humouring' her like this you are leaving the door open for people to assume he DID have sex with her/rape her!

You and your dp need to give your heads a wobble!

If she moves in she will never leave - 'it's dp's responsibility to provide for his dc and the mother of his dc' will be her mantra.

Your dp needs to get access formalised through court - that is the only way to deal with her emotional blackmail.
STOP giving in to her demands re you being around her dc - your dp needs to act like a man not a pussy whipped boy.

demirose87 · 18/07/2017 16:21

I believe your partner is the father of the baby. If he knows he's not, then surely he would agree to the DNA out of respect for you and to ease your mind. It seems there's loads more to this story than we first thought. He's almost certainly sleeping with both of you

ThoseDarnBuns · 18/07/2017 16:53

But he initially said no then ..
said to take one just to humour her and hes agreed..
So he is going to take a test.
OP I don't know if he is the father of this baby and you're not going to either until he takes the test. I know you say you love him but can you really trust him and put up with all this drama for the next 18 years because unless he is willing to get access legalised, get a restraining order against her lies and harassment then things will not get any better. He also needs to put you on par with his daughter so you can have a great relationship with her if you chose to stay with him. No one can tell you what to do although I can say if it was me and he didn't agree to my terms he wouldn't be in my life anymore.

Lynnm63 · 18/07/2017 16:59

Even if he's not the father and I think he is, do you really want this level of shit in your life? Unless he's as rich as the duke of Westminster with movie star looks and exceptional sex skills he just ain't worth it and even with all those things it's a close call.

SonicBoomBoom · 18/07/2017 17:08

You don't need to do this OP.

I get that you don't want her to "win" by you and he splitting up, but really, you lose if you stay with him in this twisted mess of a sham relationship.

MavisFlumpTheFairy · 18/07/2017 17:19

Can't help wondering if she moves in every weekend along with their DD?
Either your partner is a spineless sucker or he's a brilliant liar covering up a double life. I honestly can't understand why you're still with him op, it's blatantly obvious you're being manipulated to suit the pair of them (and his family ffs)

MidnightAura · 18/07/2017 17:21

Surely this isn't about her "winning" this man does not sound like a prize! I would of thought it was about having enough self respect to walk away from a situation where your 'D'P is showing you little he respects you.

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