To not want DP ex to stay here with us?

[Lydia393]

Quite a complex story so bare with me.

Me and DP have been with each other for 2 years. In December last year, a girl my DP has slept with on a few occasions approached him and said he was the father to her one year old daughter. He took a DNA test which came back he was the father and vowed to support his daughter and be in her life. I obviously was heartbroken that he had another child with another women (despite us not being together when it occurred) but I had spent a year of my life with this man by that point so we decided to work through it.

Since the mother of his child has came in to his life, she has been nothing but hard work. I am sure she has some sort of feelings for him deep down and resents that he is with me. She causes issues (lies about her daughter being sick to get the attention on her etc) attempts to start arguments with me over social media (which I never react to) Accuses DP of loving me more than he does his daughter, just petty things like that.

His DD comes round every weekend and she will not allow me to meet his daughter, so I have to stay at my mums when she comes over for the weekend else she won't let DP have her.

I live with him although its his house that he owns, I have no legal rights to it but I do contribute towards the bills etc from my own wages. She plays on this, tells him I have "no right" being in his house and that his daughter has more of a right to be there than I do so if she wants to come over, I must leave.

Now another drama filled situation has come up. Her tenancy has ended on her house and the landlords want to sell so she has to move out. She has sorted a new property to move in to but this wont be ready until the 18th of August and she has to leave her current property by Friday so she will be effectively homeless until then. She does have family close by (mum, dad, sister) but has told DP that she has fallen out with them and they've said she can't stay with them.

She is expecting DP to put both her and her DD up until they're able to move in to their new property. DP told her that DD is welcome to stay but she is not, she has kicked up a fuss saying she has more right to be there than I do because she is the mother of his child and owes her a duty of care as her daughters mother (we have no children). She has told him she is putting me before his daughter and the mother of his daughter.

He is now reconsidering letting her stay because they have a conversation and he said he felt sorry for her because "she sounded like she genuinely didn't have anywhere to go" The thing is, if they do stay I will probably have to leave (if I don't, she will use her daughter against DP) so I will have to stay with my mum for a month, if not then I don't really want to share the house with such a volatile person who causes problems and who clearly does not like me.

She enjoys pushing me out of his and his families life's and feel like her daughter is a ticket to do so. Such as I was invited to his sisters wedding a few months ago but I could not go in the end because she decided she would not let her DD go to the wedding UNLESS she was also coming, so his sister had to invite her too so her niece could be there (then she refused to come if I was invited so I was asked not to come!)

AIBU if I tell DP I don't want her to stay? It's his house and I don't want to control what he does I just feel its a bit cheeky, if she was a nice person and behaved like a mother opposed to a jealous trouble maker, I would have less of an issue.

It hurts me that he has fathered a child by another women (even though we wasn't together) but the fact she is such a horrible person just makes it worse.

She doesn't work, she supports herself entirely off the money he gives her in child support (over £1000 a month) so I see no reason she can't put herself up in a b&b

DP needs to grow some balls and take charge of the situation. He needs to go to court and get proper visitation agreed. The ex can't dictate who your DP has in his house when his DD comes to stay. That's up to him. Asking you to leave is just wrong.

tbh, if he has her to stay and kicks you out, then leave and don't go back. And any HINT that you'll keep contributing while she's there is beyond cheek.

This isn't going to get better.

Really feel for you. I'm caught up in a slightly different situation but pretty much the same villain! Selfish, manipulative, spiteful, self-obsessed bitch that uses her innocent child to get what she wants by taking advantage of a kind hearted, generous family who are head over heals in love with the child. These women recognise an opportunity and just keep worming their way in. Do not let this woman in YOUR home. Once she gets in there really is no way of getting her out. I mean, it's not like you could kick the poor woman out on the street if her new place falls through..... I agree with what others are saying in that your man should stand up to her, but it is his daughter so sure it's hard. Maybe you need to have a serious chat with DP about your future together. If it's for the long term then why wouldn't he be fighting to have you part of her life.

BadTaste that's an excellent point about any future children. They would never be treated fairly in comparison to their older half-sister.

Yanbu. This is your home and she has no right to invade that space. His daughter is welcome as your dp rightly said, but she is not. Just because she has a child with him it doesn't give her a free pass to his/your home.

He needs to take her to court, get proper visitation rights, block her off social media so she can't write about him on there and tell his work that she might try and contact them. He also needs to only communicate through email so he has proof of everything she says. Finally he needs to grow a pair of bollocks and not allow himself to be manipulated by her and not allow her to manipulate his family.

If he has a court order saying he can see his daughter every weekend then she can't stop that and any threats she makes against him with regards to rape etc are going to look very bad. Also I don't know what his financial situation is but £1000 a month is a HUGE amount of maintenance, obviously he should be paying towards his child's upkeep and care but it sounds like he's also paying for hers.

If I were you and he wasn't prepared to do all those things I would walk away and leave them to it.

Does your DP have any evidence of these threats, or could he get any?

He needs to get anything like that in place so he can go through official channels and not have his contact subject to her whims. He needs to tell her, ideally with you present, that you are an important part of his life and that while he puts his child first, he will not be blackmailed by her mother. He needs to state that he is entitled to contact without meeting all her unreasonable conditions and if necessary will pursue it. That while his daughter is welcome to stay with him for as long as necessary, his house is your home and since she has not bothered to build a good relationship with you she cannot stay.

I think many of her threats are empty, she sounds very dependent on him and also the history of her behaviour contradicts her false claims. Your DP really needs to send a strong message that he is not scared by her threats.

If you want another 20 years of this, stay.

If you want any kind of independent life, leave him.

I doubt you will though. He must have a cock of solid gold.

If your DP can afford £1k a month in child support he can afford to see a solicitor to get a proper agreement in place to see his daughter. Then he can tell her to go forth, she can't stop him introducing you to his DD during his contact time. He does sound rather limp.

I would stand my ground in this one. I'd refused to move out of my home for a month. However I'd offer her to stay with her daughter but I'd make sure she knew I wasn't going anywhere. He needs to go to court if she starts using their daughter as a weapon.

Christ, you should not be having to leave your home every time his daughter comes to stay! You should not have been uninvited to that wedding. And you most certainly should not be leaving your home so that his ex can move herself in and play happy families.
That woman needs put back in her box now.
I understand that it’s hard for your DP and she’s using their DD as a weapon, but he (and his family) needs to grow a bloody spine and stick up for you.

If your DP can’t regain control of this crazy situation, it may be best that you walk away for your own sanity.

Tell him to man the fuck up or you are leaving.

What he agrees and you go, he's so obviously weak willed that if she comes on to him, he'd probably have sex with her to shut her up.

That aint a man, that's a waste of space.

Fark me. Tell your DP to grow a pair and go to court and get a court order. End of crazy ex dictating visiting rules.

And you need to stand up for yourself.

Leaving your home every weekend? Fuck that. When do you spend any quality time with your DP? Bunny Boiler ex is trying to break you both up. Allow her one foot in the door and she will never leave. Her new property will magically fall through and she'll insist that she stays put.

This all needs to be nipped in the bud, now. Or walk away and save yourself.

Infact, just dump him. Dread to think what her reaction would be if you ever got pregnant.

Walk away Lydia, life is too short to deal with crap like this.
Make sure you tell him exactly why you are done. She won't stop this even when her Dd is grown she will carry on trying to pull the stings.
If she was threatening to say he raped her he needs to keep proof of all this stuff so when he finally grows a pair he can show how unreasonable and bat shit she really is in court.

Run for the hills and cut your losses. This ain't going to end well!

Its really hurting him

It's also hurting you, and in quite a short time it will be hurting his daughter - if for no other reason than to protect his child as much as he can, he should get his finger out of his bum and get a formal court order regarding access and financial responsibility.

If he has kept the threatening texts etc, she won't have a leg to stand on if she goes to the police (and TBH, she will have a hard time proving rape anyway if she is demanding to stay with him for a month - which woman would want to spend time under the same roof as her rapist?).

Like others on here, I can only see this getting worse. It is wonderful that he has stepped up to his responsibilities - this is the type of man you want to be a father to your future children - but it is rubbish that he treats you as little more than a lodger. If you do agree to move out for a month (and I think you would be foolish to do so - you'd be better moving out for good) don't pay any of the bills etc for those four weeks. You aren't receiving the benefit of living there, so you aren't responsible for the outgoings.

She's a totally mad bat. His life will be a living hell if he doesn't stop this ridiculous behaviour now.

She'll carry on making your life a nightmare. Maybe it makes me a really selfish person, but from all I've read about blended families (and my own experience with having step-parents/ siblings on both sides, I just couldn't cope with the aggro and tension that almost inevitably comes with being in a relationship with someone who already has kids. Plus of course, your partner sounds pretty weak and spineless, willing to let himself (and you) be walked all over by his drama queen of an ex. I'd cut my losses in your shoes.

The man needs to get a back bone and stop allowing his ex to control his life when he isn't even with her. I would not stand for it. He needs to go through the courts and get this sorted. I would not be moving out and if it was suggested again that I did, then I would move out but it would be for good! Don't be treated like this, you should not be playing second best to his ex.

There will be no 'ex staying with us', you will be expected to live elsewhere and suddenly the new home will fall through.

Ridiculous.

Ignore her silly threats. Hide or block her on social media. Let her rant away. Keep the messages with the threats. Let her go to the police about rape, I doubt she'd get very far. Why is he listening to such rubbish?

Go to court for access. Pay the child maintenance. Ignore the rest.

I'd leave him. 2 years is nothing compared to the ongoing misery you'll have to deal with if your DP doesn't sort himself out and deal with his DD's mum appropriately.

As others have said, your DP needs to grow a pair here. I totally understand that he is afraid that she will stop contact, but he can go through the courts to pursue contact if necessary.

Him and his family need to stop pandering to her. DO NOT let her move in. If she moves in, she may never leave and she may also engineer a situation where she leads DP astray. Obviously he should have the balls to say no, but you can see it happening in a situation like this.

She wants to be you, she wants to be in your house. She probably thought that they would end up together once she was pregnant.

DP needs to insist that you are part of his life and will no longer be leaving the house when DD is there as she needs to get to know you.

He needs to stand up to her now before this gets any worse

Tell DP to grow a pair or you're off. This will be the rest of your life if you don't put your foot down.

The crazy ex can find somewhere else to stay.

Your DP needs to go through legal channels to establish his right to see his DC independently of her mother. The fact that DC visits him already is good grounds for establishing this by court order. He can then file for a non molestation order to prevent her turning up at his home or work and making trouble for him.

He should not be intimidated by her threats to accuse him of rape. If she repeats these accusations he needs to record them and also keep a record of her threats. She would need to be able to substantiate her accusations. The burden of proof is on the accuser, not the accused. I have seen a very similar situation to this unfold OP. It gets messy I warn you. Ultimately you must decide if you take this on because it is messy, bitter and upsetting.

In the case I knew, the police interviewed both sides and their partners. In the end they believed the accused man because he was able to prove he had been elsewhere at the time of the alledged assault. The accuser was able to prove nothing because it was lies.

The police warned her that she was not to contact the new partner her family or friends. They also told the accused that he was not the first man she had done this to and he would certainly not be the last. In fact, she has indeed found a new 'victim'.

I think your OP really needs to take this seriously. He needs legal advice quickly and you need to decide if you want to see this through or cut your losses. Good luck to you both.

She keeps threatening him with rape accusations, calling him at his job and harassing him on social media, yet he's considering having her stay in his home? There is something seriously wrong with him.