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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want DP ex to stay here with us?

237 replies

Lydia393 · 17/07/2017 15:39

Quite a complex story so bare with me.

Me and DP have been with each other for 2 years. In December last year, a girl my DP has slept with on a few occasions approached him and said he was the father to her one year old daughter. He took a DNA test which came back he was the father and vowed to support his daughter and be in her life. I obviously was heartbroken that he had another child with another women (despite us not being together when it occurred) but I had spent a year of my life with this man by that point so we decided to work through it.

Since the mother of his child has came in to his life, she has been nothing but hard work. I am sure she has some sort of feelings for him deep down and resents that he is with me. She causes issues (lies about her daughter being sick to get the attention on her etc) attempts to start arguments with me over social media (which I never react to) Accuses DP of loving me more than he does his daughter, just petty things like that.

His DD comes round every weekend and she will not allow me to meet his daughter, so I have to stay at my mums when she comes over for the weekend else she won't let DP have her.

I live with him although its his house that he owns, I have no legal rights to it but I do contribute towards the bills etc from my own wages. She plays on this, tells him I have "no right" being in his house and that his daughter has more of a right to be there than I do so if she wants to come over, I must leave.

Now another drama filled situation has come up. Her tenancy has ended on her house and the landlords want to sell so she has to move out. She has sorted a new property to move in to but this wont be ready until the 18th of August and she has to leave her current property by Friday so she will be effectively homeless until then. She does have family close by (mum, dad, sister) but has told DP that she has fallen out with them and they've said she can't stay with them.

She is expecting DP to put both her and her DD up until they're able to move in to their new property. DP told her that DD is welcome to stay but she is not, she has kicked up a fuss saying she has more right to be there than I do because she is the mother of his child and owes her a duty of care as her daughters mother (we have no children). She has told him she is putting me before his daughter and the mother of his daughter.

He is now reconsidering letting her stay because they have a conversation and he said he felt sorry for her because "she sounded like she genuinely didn't have anywhere to go" The thing is, if they do stay I will probably have to leave (if I don't, she will use her daughter against DP) so I will have to stay with my mum for a month, if not then I don't really want to share the house with such a volatile person who causes problems and who clearly does not like me.

She enjoys pushing me out of his and his families life's and feel like her daughter is a ticket to do so. Such as I was invited to his sisters wedding a few months ago but I could not go in the end because she decided she would not let her DD go to the wedding UNLESS she was also coming, so his sister had to invite her too so her niece could be there (then she refused to come if I was invited so I was asked not to come!)

AIBU if I tell DP I don't want her to stay? It's his house and I don't want to control what he does I just feel its a bit cheeky, if she was a nice person and behaved like a mother opposed to a jealous trouble maker, I would have less of an issue.

It hurts me that he has fathered a child by another women (even though we wasn't together) but the fact she is such a horrible person just makes it worse.

She doesn't work, she supports herself entirely off the money he gives her in child support (over £1000 a month) so I see no reason she can't put herself up in a b&b

OP posts:
GlitterGlassEye · 18/07/2017 00:09

I very much doubt he raped her but she is defo blackmailing him with something. I really do hope you have had enough advice and real life situations to listen to on this thread op to be brave enough to just cut your losses.

You deserve a partner who doesn't have this awful baggage and you can live happily.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 18/07/2017 07:54

Can he only afford to give her £1k a month because you are paying half the bills? Are you still paying half even though you aren't allowed to live there at the weekends?

Agree with others. Walk away. This isn't going to get better without getting very messy first.

kellogssquareofkrispierice · 18/07/2017 08:04

Probably a cancel the cheque comment but

Get a solicitor to write her a strongly worded letter about harassment/malicious communication/ libel or whatever it is and sort formal access out.

Total bullshit situation for you

If he won't cut your losses and leave this mess

MidnightAura · 18/07/2017 08:39

Walk away and don't look back.

The ex is batshit crazy, not question. But does he have "idiot" tattooed on his forehead?

You should never be forced out at the weekends and it's disgraceful your wedding invitation was taken so she could attend.

I agree with the posters who say something is going on, what man would allow his ex to make accusations like rape and threats and then consider moving her in?! If she moves in she will never leave but you know that right?

Cut your losses OP.

AnyFucker · 18/07/2017 08:49

Where has op gone ?

loobyloo1234 · 18/07/2017 09:06

Where has op gone ?

I just thought the same ... Confused

ComputerUserNotTrained · 18/07/2017 09:12

She posted last yesterday afternoon - it's not that long!

StormFrontage · 18/07/2017 09:18

I was going to add something but I'll wait for OP to come back

JockTamsonsBairns · 18/07/2017 09:19

i very much doubt he raped her

Angry How on earth can you possibly make this assertion? We have no idea one way or another what happened with the DP and his ex. Do "crazy" women not get raped or something? No fucking wonder conviction rates stand as they do with attitudes like this still being spouted.

44PumpLane · 18/07/2017 09:31

I've not read all the replies so apologies if this has been said but just think ahead OP...... your DP wants to take his DD on holiday with you..... ex surely wont allow this, he'll only be allowed to take her away if you don't go, in fact he'll only be able to take her away if he takes ex with him too! So suddenly your lovely holiday together becomes their nice little family holiday!

You can probably apply this to most aspects of your future life together.
If he's not willing to take appropriate action now, and this has been going on for a while, you honestly stand no chance and I'm sorry to say you need to seriously consider cutting your losses and walking away.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/07/2017 09:38

He does realise that if she moves in, and you move out, then she can accuse him of rape while she is staying there and he won't have a leg to stand on, doesn't he?

LaArdilla · 18/07/2017 09:44

He needs to start vewing this for what it is - blackmail - and take the threats to the police. They will guide him as to what he can do to protect himself, his rights, and what steps he needs to take.

He - and no man - can't just sit there dancing to her tune because she is threatening to accuse him of rape.

However, if you suspect he rather enjoys the attention, move on. You can't do this forever, so you can either end it legally or personally.

twattymctwatterson · 18/07/2017 10:00

Op I don't know if you're still reading but having read some of the other replies I absolutely agree that she has something on him. No sane person would put up with this shit

Lydia393 · 18/07/2017 10:05

She wants me to break up with him, so if I do I am giving her exactly what she wants. None of the threats she makes against him are true, I have ready conversations between them of her saying she will LIE to the police about certain things.

Anyway UPDATE
She decided she would message me at 1am on facebook which I have not and will not reply to stating that DP and her had sex back in january and she is pregnant again with a baby boy. She said DP had only told her about me after she got pregnant again and previously denied having a gf. She said that he is going to call her a liar if I confront him and to ask him to do a dna test on the unborn baby because "shes not hiding anything". She has attached a pic of a baby scan with her name and date on it and a picture of a screenshot text between them of her saying "take a dna test if its not true" and him responding saying "no".

I have confronted him and he said he doesn't know if shes pregnant but if she is then its not his baby as he has not touched her. He said that she probably is pregnant and is just using the pregnancy to try and split us up. He said he said no to a dna test because there is no way he could be the father so he said he wasn't taking one. I said to take one just to humour her and hes agreed..

OP posts:
ConstanceCraving · 18/07/2017 10:08

Just leave today. Get away from this shit.

Windsorian · 18/07/2017 10:10

I would run away as fast as I can. It might be difficult in the beginning but the situation will only get worse.

If in the future you have children with your DP, the ex will become more jealous and will be a nightmare and if you don't have children you are lumped with this situation forever.

I would opt out while I can.

Winterc00kie · 18/07/2017 10:12

OH OP JUST GET AWAY FROM THIS!!

how desperate are you? honestly, you have mug written on your head love.

She said DP had only told her about me after she got pregnant again and previously denied having a gf. She said that he is going to call her a liar if I confront him and to ask him to do a dna test on the unborn baby because "shes not hiding anything". She has attached a pic of a baby scan with her name and date on it and a picture of a screenshot text between them of her saying "take a dna test if its not true" and him responding saying "no".

I'm sure he's living a double life and he is a compulsive liar.

mygorgeousmilo · 18/07/2017 10:17

What is this hell?! Can't see if you've answered this already but, you contribute to the bills and live with him, yet every weekend you have to find somewhere else to go?? Where do you go? Your DP is as bad as the ex. Both a pair of self centered users. The fact she didn't tell him until the baby was a year old, and now he lets her rule his life? Have you accepted yet that you have a DP problem?

WannaBe · 18/07/2017 10:18

So if she's put her threats in writing then he has them as evidence of her lying which he can present in court, no? So what exactly is he afraid of?

He needs to call her bluff then and say "okayyyy, go to the police and accuse me of rape, and I'll present the texts in court where you've said that you'll make up these allegations to get what you want. They take a bit of a dim view of false rape allegations in court so when you go to jail for that DD can come and live with me."

I'd imagine that at the very least he's been having sex with her though, and if she's prepared to make him have a DNA test she knows that he's been having sex with her and is the father of her baby. No woman who knows that all she needs to do is snap her fingers and she gets what she wants would demand a DNA test to prove the paternity of her baby. Because she knows that all she'd need to do is say that he's the father and he'd step up to the plate, after all, he's prepared to push you out in order that she gets what she wants in all other aspects, so why would another baby be any different?

You need to accept the fact that this relationship is effectively over, and so what if that's what she wants, it's what he wants as well. It's very obvious that he doesn't want to be with you or he would be.

flowery · 18/07/2017 10:18

Oh good grief, walk away from this nonsense before you find yourself on Jeremy Kyle.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 18/07/2017 10:19

He would day a little more than 'no' if they hadn't had sex surely?

Why wouldn't he reply saying they hadn't had sex so it couldn't be his?

Ask him to show you the full conversation.

My money is on him being a cheating liar and stringing you along until he is 100% caught out and can't lie anymore then you leave then he will simply move her in.

Don't spend the rest of your life clinging onto a mistake just because you've spent a long time making it. Sometimes cutting your losses is the best thing you can do.

BabiesOnTheBrain1 · 18/07/2017 10:19

Run.

MrsMotherHen · 18/07/2017 10:22

run run run as fast as you can. As another poster has said life shouldn't and isnt this hard. Do you really see a future with this man? what would happen if you got pregnant? would you leave your home every weekend? do you think marraige is on the cards? seriously leave now before you get stuck with him.

missmoohoo · 18/07/2017 10:22

I believe her. She would not be over invested if she didn't have chance.

ElspethFlashman · 18/07/2017 10:24

OMG OP, is there not one iota of suspicion in your mind? Are you really so wide eyed?

Your DP reeks of duplicity as much as last weeks haddock.