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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want DP ex to stay here with us?

237 replies

Lydia393 · 17/07/2017 15:39

Quite a complex story so bare with me.

Me and DP have been with each other for 2 years. In December last year, a girl my DP has slept with on a few occasions approached him and said he was the father to her one year old daughter. He took a DNA test which came back he was the father and vowed to support his daughter and be in her life. I obviously was heartbroken that he had another child with another women (despite us not being together when it occurred) but I had spent a year of my life with this man by that point so we decided to work through it.

Since the mother of his child has came in to his life, she has been nothing but hard work. I am sure she has some sort of feelings for him deep down and resents that he is with me. She causes issues (lies about her daughter being sick to get the attention on her etc) attempts to start arguments with me over social media (which I never react to) Accuses DP of loving me more than he does his daughter, just petty things like that.

His DD comes round every weekend and she will not allow me to meet his daughter, so I have to stay at my mums when she comes over for the weekend else she won't let DP have her.

I live with him although its his house that he owns, I have no legal rights to it but I do contribute towards the bills etc from my own wages. She plays on this, tells him I have "no right" being in his house and that his daughter has more of a right to be there than I do so if she wants to come over, I must leave.

Now another drama filled situation has come up. Her tenancy has ended on her house and the landlords want to sell so she has to move out. She has sorted a new property to move in to but this wont be ready until the 18th of August and she has to leave her current property by Friday so she will be effectively homeless until then. She does have family close by (mum, dad, sister) but has told DP that she has fallen out with them and they've said she can't stay with them.

She is expecting DP to put both her and her DD up until they're able to move in to their new property. DP told her that DD is welcome to stay but she is not, she has kicked up a fuss saying she has more right to be there than I do because she is the mother of his child and owes her a duty of care as her daughters mother (we have no children). She has told him she is putting me before his daughter and the mother of his daughter.

He is now reconsidering letting her stay because they have a conversation and he said he felt sorry for her because "she sounded like she genuinely didn't have anywhere to go" The thing is, if they do stay I will probably have to leave (if I don't, she will use her daughter against DP) so I will have to stay with my mum for a month, if not then I don't really want to share the house with such a volatile person who causes problems and who clearly does not like me.

She enjoys pushing me out of his and his families life's and feel like her daughter is a ticket to do so. Such as I was invited to his sisters wedding a few months ago but I could not go in the end because she decided she would not let her DD go to the wedding UNLESS she was also coming, so his sister had to invite her too so her niece could be there (then she refused to come if I was invited so I was asked not to come!)

AIBU if I tell DP I don't want her to stay? It's his house and I don't want to control what he does I just feel its a bit cheeky, if she was a nice person and behaved like a mother opposed to a jealous trouble maker, I would have less of an issue.

It hurts me that he has fathered a child by another women (even though we wasn't together) but the fact she is such a horrible person just makes it worse.

She doesn't work, she supports herself entirely off the money he gives her in child support (over £1000 a month) so I see no reason she can't put herself up in a b&b

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 17/07/2017 17:58

I agree with lots of the PP -get out now. This is ridiculously complex situation that won't be easily resolved, ex sounds a total nightmare, DP sounds like a wet blanket.
There is not a chance I would ever leave/be pushed out of my own home on the demands of this women and DP shouldn't even comprehend accepting this. Now they expect you to move out for a month while you pay your share of the bills? Not a fucking chance. Put your foot down or cut and run. Poor DD.

MandateMandy · 17/07/2017 18:00

Oh and even if the house isn't in your name - the fact that you have been contributing to the mortgage might actually mean that you are entitled to some of it's equity. If you do move out - speak to a solicitor about establishing a beneficial trust.

missiondecision · 17/07/2017 18:00

This is cause pain and heart ache for life.
Find a new partner that respects you.
She is batshit, but your not so darling partner is a cunt for pandering to her. As for his family, words fail me.
Will you spend Christmas apart ? Easter? Holidays? because he sees his dd.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/07/2017 18:02

Are you sure he's not actually sleeping with her and all this bullshit is lies from him?

missiondecision · 17/07/2017 18:02

Are you sure she is the crazy one?
Does he actually want to give things go with her for the sake of his dd but has no intention of letting you go... just yet....just incase.

timeisnotaline · 17/07/2017 18:02

I agree with everyone about your dh but YABU about being so hurt that your dh conceived a child before he started going out with you, that you have to mention it twice. What was he supposed to be doing- abstaining until he oneday maybe saw you?

NC4now · 17/07/2017 18:04

This is bonkers. Either leave the relationship or tell him he needs to sort court ordered contact.

AnyFucker · 17/07/2017 18:06

Has she ever told you that they have slept together during your relationship ?

Because I would believe her

Gemini69 · 17/07/2017 18:07

£1 K a MONTH... are you serious....

this guys fooling you lovely....

get out now x

GlitterGlassEye · 17/07/2017 18:09

Leave. Just leave. She will move in and get her feet under the table. This is not only affecting your relationship with him and his family, it's badly affecting your life. I know that sounds harsh as you love him but imagine if you had children with him? She's only going to get so much worse. I actually have a friend who was in this exact position and even after having 2dc with him, it's still ongoing and escalated as soon as the ex discovered my friend was pregnant. She's treated like the other woman (they'd been apart two years before he met my friend) and cries on my shoulder on a regular basis despite them being together eleven years now.

Madwoman5 · 17/07/2017 18:10

Time to call her bluff. She has nowhere else and no-one else having fallen out with her family. You live there not her. He has everything she doesn't. If he allows this, he has got to make it clear she is a guest in your home and as such, is civil and considerate. Get a lock for your bedroom door to keep her out when you are not there. Personally, I would be waiting for him to get his priorities straight, reasserting his position that he will take the dd but not the mother. Then starting legal proceedings to formalise access. He will need to stick to his guns though as she is batshit.

WoofWoofMooWoof · 17/07/2017 18:11

I'm just ShockShockShock at £1000/month maintenance!!! For a 1-year old!! I get £100 for 8-year old twins.

I agree with the others - once she's moved in she won't leave. You'll be living with this shit for ever if you stay with him. Even if he goes through the court etc etc, she will still always be there in the background shit stirring. For your own sanity, LTB!

happymumof4crazykids · 17/07/2017 18:11

The more he lets her dictate the more she will push you out. From what you have written I would say there are 4 options available.

  1. He stands up to his ex and tells her she isn't moving in and you are not moving out at anytime including weekends and she has to accept you will be part of their child's life.
  2. you walk away
  3. he walks away from his daughter
  4. he takes her to court for access and parental rights and a non molestation order to prevent her harassment and bullying Whatever happens this is going to be a nightmare for you all :(
Gemini69 · 17/07/2017 18:15

this has to be the worst Thread I ever read.....

I wanna know ho this guy is.. so I can come empty his bank accounts and move in and freeload....

Winterc00kie · 17/07/2017 18:15

Am I the only one that's thinking either -

-She's blackmailing him for cheating on OP.

or they are in an actual relationship together and he is twisting a load of lies as he doesn't have a set of balls? If you think about it, he couild be living a double life.

lookatyourwatchnow · 17/07/2017 18:20

Jesus, I felt so angry on your behalf just reading this! I know you love him, but honestly he will make your life an absolute misery by dancing to this crazy bitch's tune forever and ever. There is no reason why he can't pursue contact through the formal channels and remove her control, but he hasn't and I would bet my mortgage that he doesn't. Don't let this situation become the rest of your life. You can walk away from this - not your circus!

Namechangetempissue · 17/07/2017 18:30

I'm quite suspicious too -she must have something on him or they are "seeing" each other on the side. That or he is the biggest mug going.

WannaBe · 17/07/2017 18:40

19lottie82 do resort to personal attacks if that makes you feel better. But the facts here as the op has been told them are that this man is more afraid of being accused of rape, an accusation which carries a minimal charge rate let alone conviction rate, than saying no to a woman who left it nearly two years before telling him they had a child together (if you include the nine months of pregnancy plus one year of life.) Why is that?

He claims that he's had to attend meetings at work to defend her accusations, that she's been talking to his friends and family on social media (why are they all friends with her if she really is a batshit ex?) He tells his girlfriend she cannot meet his daughter, is going to move in his ex, attends functions with the ex, and this is an ex who was out of his life for two years prior to his discovering about the child.

If he doesn't have valid reason for concern then he need not be afraid to go to court. After all, he allegedly put the processes in place to go to court for contact and then backed down in the face of allegations of rape? Why is that? He had the opportunity to defend the allegations in front of a judge and decided instead to move in his ex who is accusing him? Why is that?

Either he is sleeping with her again and he's told the OP a pack of lies, or there is more to what she's saying and his fears are real.

thegreysheep · 17/07/2017 18:42

I got out of a similar situation at the start of the year. Not living together but together on and off for a year. Difficult ex that dictated everything and always on tenterhooks for the next drama. My Ex always blamed her but couldn't see that from my point of view He was the problem.
Everytime something got ruined or cancelled and I was expected to suck it up and thanked for my understanding I lost respect for him and commitment to the relationship.
After a while I realised everyone was getting what they wanted bar me. His ex could suit herself, he got to have an understanding girlfriend and I got the leavings. So I was part of the problem and allowing the whole sorry drama to rumble on.
In the end I told him I had enough stress in my own life without taking on the stress in his life as well and that I couldn’t make him a priority any longer as he was too spineless to make me any kind of priority ever 'for an easy life and to see the kids'. I haven't regretted it at all. Maybe now he sees he can't maintain a life of his own while pandering to the ex still he might grow a spine but I won't be waiting around to see it!!

charlyn · 17/07/2017 18:45

What a mess. honestly I would just walk away, this situation is going to make you miserable for the next 18 years at least. Im curious to know what job your dh does to be paying £1000 a month?!

MistressDeeCee · 17/07/2017 18:55

He's still with her. He wants her and their child far more than he wants you. She's likely threatening to tell you about their relationship if he doesn't play ball. If you've any pride at all, you will leave them to be together. Sad for this to happen but better to find out sooner rather than later

VeryButchyRestingFace · 17/07/2017 18:56

Wannabe...... wow that's a pretty cuntish thing to suggest.

I must be a right cunt too then. Wink

Because it occured to me that the £1,000 pm (if indeed he's giving her that) might be hush money.

Or he might just be, as you suggest, a total drip.

Queenioqueenio · 17/07/2017 18:56

If she does get to move in what's the odds that her other rental will 'fall through' ?? Then you will be the bad guy insisting she is kicked out, you'll be on the outside OP.

milliemolliemou · 17/07/2017 19:00

OP, She has £1000 pcm from him and cant find a place for a month? Her family won't put her up ... because why? (MN say because she's batshit).

Quite frankly from your DP's behaviour - bending over so you don't go to weddings because she is, agreeing you shouldn't meet their daughter and have to move out when the DD is there - you are not a part of a couple. You're also moving out of a home to which you contribute.

He needs to keep her batshit messages and emails and go to a solicitor about her rape claims and threats to his job. The only decent thing he has so far done is keep in his daughter's life. You need to move out permanently and look after yourself.

Good luck

ElspethFlashman · 17/07/2017 19:06

Well if he's not shagging her currently hes 1000% going to be shagging her whilst OP is away. A couple of bottles of friendly wine and another baby on the way.

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