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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want DP ex to stay here with us?

237 replies

Lydia393 · 17/07/2017 15:39

Quite a complex story so bare with me.

Me and DP have been with each other for 2 years. In December last year, a girl my DP has slept with on a few occasions approached him and said he was the father to her one year old daughter. He took a DNA test which came back he was the father and vowed to support his daughter and be in her life. I obviously was heartbroken that he had another child with another women (despite us not being together when it occurred) but I had spent a year of my life with this man by that point so we decided to work through it.

Since the mother of his child has came in to his life, she has been nothing but hard work. I am sure she has some sort of feelings for him deep down and resents that he is with me. She causes issues (lies about her daughter being sick to get the attention on her etc) attempts to start arguments with me over social media (which I never react to) Accuses DP of loving me more than he does his daughter, just petty things like that.

His DD comes round every weekend and she will not allow me to meet his daughter, so I have to stay at my mums when she comes over for the weekend else she won't let DP have her.

I live with him although its his house that he owns, I have no legal rights to it but I do contribute towards the bills etc from my own wages. She plays on this, tells him I have "no right" being in his house and that his daughter has more of a right to be there than I do so if she wants to come over, I must leave.

Now another drama filled situation has come up. Her tenancy has ended on her house and the landlords want to sell so she has to move out. She has sorted a new property to move in to but this wont be ready until the 18th of August and she has to leave her current property by Friday so she will be effectively homeless until then. She does have family close by (mum, dad, sister) but has told DP that she has fallen out with them and they've said she can't stay with them.

She is expecting DP to put both her and her DD up until they're able to move in to their new property. DP told her that DD is welcome to stay but she is not, she has kicked up a fuss saying she has more right to be there than I do because she is the mother of his child and owes her a duty of care as her daughters mother (we have no children). She has told him she is putting me before his daughter and the mother of his daughter.

He is now reconsidering letting her stay because they have a conversation and he said he felt sorry for her because "she sounded like she genuinely didn't have anywhere to go" The thing is, if they do stay I will probably have to leave (if I don't, she will use her daughter against DP) so I will have to stay with my mum for a month, if not then I don't really want to share the house with such a volatile person who causes problems and who clearly does not like me.

She enjoys pushing me out of his and his families life's and feel like her daughter is a ticket to do so. Such as I was invited to his sisters wedding a few months ago but I could not go in the end because she decided she would not let her DD go to the wedding UNLESS she was also coming, so his sister had to invite her too so her niece could be there (then she refused to come if I was invited so I was asked not to come!)

AIBU if I tell DP I don't want her to stay? It's his house and I don't want to control what he does I just feel its a bit cheeky, if she was a nice person and behaved like a mother opposed to a jealous trouble maker, I would have less of an issue.

It hurts me that he has fathered a child by another women (even though we wasn't together) but the fact she is such a horrible person just makes it worse.

She doesn't work, she supports herself entirely off the money he gives her in child support (over £1000 a month) so I see no reason she can't put herself up in a b&b

OP posts:
ConstanceCraving · 17/07/2017 19:10

I think Wannabe might be on to something with the rape query. Something doesn't add up. To me it seems like he's frightened to upset the ex and that could be because he did rape her or they have slept together recently.

I mean who would put up with all this shit in reality?

Go and stay at your mums. Leave him and his crazy ex to sort out their mess.

Gemini69 · 17/07/2017 19:18

omg.. of course.. She's his dirty BIG secret

Winterc00kie · 17/07/2017 19:19

I think this is a double life situation and he is covering his tracks well.

DressedCrab · 17/07/2017 19:23

My God the vipers are out.

Just maybe the ex is barking mad and OP's DP is trying to do what he can to see his child.

Some people's imaginations have run away with them.

lookatyourwatchnow · 17/07/2017 19:24

Yes to what the last few posters are saying. He has definitely, at the very least, slept with her recently.

ConstanceCraving · 17/07/2017 19:24

Doubt it DeessedCrab somehow.

MotherPie · 17/07/2017 19:25

She needs to speak to the council but if your DP houses her they will not. Nobody with a dependant child will be left homeless. It sounds like they could get together at some point.

Winterc00kie · 17/07/2017 19:28

Dressedcrab, I don't think imaginations are running wild as such it's just unreal that someone is that batshit crazy and he is giving in willy nilly. I think we are looking at if different ways.

16middlenames · 17/07/2017 19:28

Get rid of him, he doesn't respect you. Fuck staying somewhere else every weekend too. You both sound like you need to grow a pair tbh.

MistressDeeCee · 17/07/2017 19:29

Nothing viperish about advising a woman who is being hurt and disrespected to look after herself, look out for herself, and move on. What should the advice be? Oh its ok to be in a relationship with a man, contribute to the home you share, but be chucked out of it whenever his ex and child are around and hey, that could go on until his child is 18 but put up and shut up ok? They get what the want, you don't get what you want and feel an outsider in your own relationship but that doesn't matter, get on with it

"Sigh"

VimFuego101 · 17/07/2017 19:29

Run. This will never be a happy relationship all the time his ex is in the background making threats, and the very fact you vacate the house EOW shows that you are not his priority.

ollieplimsoles · 17/07/2017 19:31

I would have left at the sisters wedding incident tbh..
I mean, using your child to get yourself invited to your ex fuck buddy's sisters wedding...new low.

Also, i dont know about rape, but i seriously though they have probably still seen each other while you were with him, thats why hes taking her shit.

Get the fuck outta there op!

twattymctwatterson · 17/07/2017 19:36

Seriously any man who tells me I have to leave my own home for a month on the say so of some batshit ex wouldn't see me for dust. This will be your life if you stay with him. Run

Kardashianlove · 17/07/2017 19:39

Agree with other posters, your DP is the problem.

His boundaries sound very skewed - his ex has threanted to report him for rape, etc yet he is considering moving her in with him? He also didn't stand up for you in relation to the wedding and has you move out at weekends.

He doesn't seem able to deal with this situation appropriately and this would ring big alarm bells - do you feel like you can be with someone like this long term who seems unable to put the correct boundaries in place.

He needs to sort contact out officially. He is choosing not to do this and it's very disrespectful to you to continue to make you move out every weekend. Do you honestly want to be with someone who treats you like this?

VeryButchyRestingFace · 17/07/2017 19:41

Well if he's not shagging her currently hes 1000% going to be shagging her whilst OP is away

It'd be kinda weird if he wasn't shagging her in the proposed set up.

A bit like parents barging into their teenager's room only to find her/him and their paramour sitting docilely by the window sipping tea and playing chess whilst discussing the latest edition of the National Geographic. Very... unsettling. Confused

no, that's not what happened to me

missmoohoo · 17/07/2017 19:43

I read your op and the problem is she is not bat shit crazy. In fact she wants your dp and you are being pushed out and your dp is letting this happen.

AvocadoHand · 17/07/2017 20:02

If she moves into that house, she will NEVER leave.

Hortonlovesahoo · 17/07/2017 20:09

OP: I'd strongly tell your DP to get everything formalised for his daughter as his ex sounds utterly crazy and likely to withdraw visitation whenever she feels like it and the £1000 a month?! What is your DP smoking?!

For your sake I think you need to work out if you want to stay around. I'd demand that there needs to be changes. No more going to your mum's, no more disappearing and under no circumstances allow her to move in for that month. I agree with others that she'll never leave.

You've got to make a decision for you and with your DP about what to do and how to move forward.

ElspethFlashman · 17/07/2017 20:23

If she moves into that house, she will NEVER leave

Nope. Never. There'll be excuse after excuse after excuse. The new place will somehow fall through. You'll never be able to prove otherwise.

And the wimp DP will be so taken by the idea of living full time with his daughter that he'll just lie back and let it happen.

And you OP will find yourself living with your Mum.

The ex has after all just as much right to live there as you. It's his house.

RozencrantzThe1st · 17/07/2017 20:41

Cut your losses with this guy and walk away. This situation is not going to improve any time soon, if at all.

TearsOnTheGround · 17/07/2017 20:47

I think you leaving him might make him wake up to the situation. He would be a fool to let you go because unless he wants to be single for years to come, he needs to fight for you and stand up to her because no woman would put up with the situation in the future. Who wants to enter a relationship with a man where the ex dictates the whole relationship?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/07/2017 21:17

Oh he is horrible OP (as is she )

Why won't he stick up for you ? I suspect at some level he feels like she has rights and more than you have

Sorry but I can't see this getting any better Sad

winobaglady · 17/07/2017 22:10

If he truly loves his daughter it is his duty to formalise the agreement.
Does you DP really want his dc brought up in the environment the ex seems to be making?
Good luck Flowers

TakeMe2Insanity · 17/07/2017 22:26

This is awful but you must leave him. She had him from the first weekend that you were made to stay away. The sister's wedding was quite literally the icing on the cake. Any normal person who has their child every weekend would be able to look after their child at a family wedding. A normal DP would have said no to that request. Failing that had ow attended she certainly wouldn't have had you deleted feom the guest list.

She has slowly and effectively pushed you out Sad

Gemini69 · 17/07/2017 22:39

I suspect he wants out of his current relationship and doesn't have the BALLS to actually tell OP he'd rather be with the one night stand he has a child with.....

the guys a TWAT

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