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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want DP ex to stay here with us?

237 replies

Lydia393 · 17/07/2017 15:39

Quite a complex story so bare with me.

Me and DP have been with each other for 2 years. In December last year, a girl my DP has slept with on a few occasions approached him and said he was the father to her one year old daughter. He took a DNA test which came back he was the father and vowed to support his daughter and be in her life. I obviously was heartbroken that he had another child with another women (despite us not being together when it occurred) but I had spent a year of my life with this man by that point so we decided to work through it.

Since the mother of his child has came in to his life, she has been nothing but hard work. I am sure she has some sort of feelings for him deep down and resents that he is with me. She causes issues (lies about her daughter being sick to get the attention on her etc) attempts to start arguments with me over social media (which I never react to) Accuses DP of loving me more than he does his daughter, just petty things like that.

His DD comes round every weekend and she will not allow me to meet his daughter, so I have to stay at my mums when she comes over for the weekend else she won't let DP have her.

I live with him although its his house that he owns, I have no legal rights to it but I do contribute towards the bills etc from my own wages. She plays on this, tells him I have "no right" being in his house and that his daughter has more of a right to be there than I do so if she wants to come over, I must leave.

Now another drama filled situation has come up. Her tenancy has ended on her house and the landlords want to sell so she has to move out. She has sorted a new property to move in to but this wont be ready until the 18th of August and she has to leave her current property by Friday so she will be effectively homeless until then. She does have family close by (mum, dad, sister) but has told DP that she has fallen out with them and they've said she can't stay with them.

She is expecting DP to put both her and her DD up until they're able to move in to their new property. DP told her that DD is welcome to stay but she is not, she has kicked up a fuss saying she has more right to be there than I do because she is the mother of his child and owes her a duty of care as her daughters mother (we have no children). She has told him she is putting me before his daughter and the mother of his daughter.

He is now reconsidering letting her stay because they have a conversation and he said he felt sorry for her because "she sounded like she genuinely didn't have anywhere to go" The thing is, if they do stay I will probably have to leave (if I don't, she will use her daughter against DP) so I will have to stay with my mum for a month, if not then I don't really want to share the house with such a volatile person who causes problems and who clearly does not like me.

She enjoys pushing me out of his and his families life's and feel like her daughter is a ticket to do so. Such as I was invited to his sisters wedding a few months ago but I could not go in the end because she decided she would not let her DD go to the wedding UNLESS she was also coming, so his sister had to invite her too so her niece could be there (then she refused to come if I was invited so I was asked not to come!)

AIBU if I tell DP I don't want her to stay? It's his house and I don't want to control what he does I just feel its a bit cheeky, if she was a nice person and behaved like a mother opposed to a jealous trouble maker, I would have less of an issue.

It hurts me that he has fathered a child by another women (even though we wasn't together) but the fact she is such a horrible person just makes it worse.

She doesn't work, she supports herself entirely off the money he gives her in child support (over £1000 a month) so I see no reason she can't put herself up in a b&b

OP posts:
missmoohoo · 18/07/2017 10:24

Op, try not to get pregnant. You don't want to be tied up to the two of them for life.

Freddystarshamster · 18/07/2017 10:29

How on earth can you possibly make this assertion? We have no idea one way or another what happened with the DP and his ex. Do "crazy" women not get raped or something? No fucking wonder conviction rates stand as they do with attitudes like this still being spouted

No, but they tend not to want to move in with their rapists Hmm

StormFrontage · 18/07/2017 10:35

He's using you, OP. He's taking your money, and shafting both of you.

PerfectPenquins · 18/07/2017 10:39

Come on op you've got endless warning signs get well away from this mess. As for the latest pregnancy dont be a mug and stand by him get rid now. Live your life dont settle for this crap.

She will be there for at least 18 years in one way or another is that really what you want? Why didn't he warn you she was pregnant and claiming its his baby? He is spineless and if that is his baby he is a twat for denying it.

Tabymoomoo · 18/07/2017 10:43

So many pp saying leave him is not helpful if OP really wants to stay with dp and just wants some advice on how to deal with this.

If you really want to stay OP my advice would be sit down with dp and lay it on the line - he needs to deal with this woman now or this will just keep getting worse as has happened already - e.g the new pregnancy.

He needs to go through a solicitor and formalise the access and money arrangements. He needs to warn people at work and friends in advance that this woman is likely to start spreading rumours and that anything she says should not be believed. You need to formalise your place In your home whether that be buying a new place together, putting you on his deeds/rental agreement or by getting an absolute promise from him that you will no longer be moving out of your home for ANY reason (if she refuses dd visiting then so be it until court enforces access). Then DP (and you) must save/write down every communication with this woman and reply very shortly or just refer her to your solicitor.

This woman has the power because your dp has let her and it will only get worse unless dp does something about it. If he refuses then you need to be prepared to walk away even if it means she has "won".

alleypalley · 18/07/2017 10:45

So she's saying they're sleeping together which he's denying, yet he still thinks it'll be a good idea for her to move in! Wake up and smell the roses OP.

lanouvelleheloise · 18/07/2017 10:48

God, what a nightmare she is! I feel so sorry for you. You sound so reasonable, in very difficult circumstances.

I have to second what others have said - and tabymoo's advice above is brilliant: where is your DP in this and why doesn't he care about the impact it's all having on you? There is no fucking way in a million years I would let another person push my partner out of the house they lived in. Time to start getting things formalised and organised and ducks in line.

Littlechocola · 18/07/2017 10:48

You are as big a fool as both of them if you stay.

Oddish · 18/07/2017 10:51

What is keeping you there? Life will be so much better without all the drama Flowers

Winterc00kie · 18/07/2017 10:54

spot on @alleypalley

user1492287253 · 18/07/2017 11:10

dont walk away, run

5BlueHydrangea · 18/07/2017 11:22

Leave and let them play happy families with their children...
Can't see any reason for you to stay!

Ebaygum · 18/07/2017 12:00

Are you sure he's not actually sleeping with her and all this bullshit is lies from him?

Your latest post confirms this.

There are plenty of DH/OW threads on here where the DH tells his Wife that the OW is a batshit crazy stalker who won't leave him alone. Ultimately it is discovered, he was telling the OW that he and his W were separated but the Wife is batshit crazy, won't let him move out and threatens he can never see the children.

The truth is neither woman is batshit crazy; both are being presented with a situation where they are being told they are the primary partner and the other women (Whether wife or actual OW) is a nutcase. It's lies.

Your story here has MORE than a strong whiff of this.

I bet (when you are never there when the DD is present) he actually tells his ex that he's keeps trying to tell you its over but you won't accept it, won't leave you alone and he's worried about your mental health - that you'll do something stupid - and he'll end it once you are feeling stronger.

This is a two string affair. I'd get out as it's too messy.

If you really want to stay, you need a proper ultimatum - he gets parental responsibility order/contact order and cuts this woman out of his life other than for contact hand over and you are not expected to leave when the DD comes round.

He won't do it I bet and there is your answer.

AnyFucker · 18/07/2017 12:10

You are a complete mug, op

This is definitely Jeremy Kyle fodder (although I don't think you can do DNA tests on unborn babies). How embarassing for you. What do your friends say about this "situation" ?

ComputerUserNotTrained · 18/07/2017 12:30

When did she start insisting that their dd could only stay if you weren't there? Because if it was before January, either she's bullshitting about not knowing about you, or he's bullshitting about why you can't stay at weekends.

Regardless, it's all so messy that you really would be better off out of there.

Sluttybartfast · 18/07/2017 12:39

You can do DNA tests on the unborn AF, it's invasive and expensive but doable.

I agree, they're still fucking, you're being had, and you should run for your fucking life. I don't think there's any sane advice which would involve you staying, ultimatum or no. The absolute best case scenario is that he's more boneless than a gutted fish.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 18/07/2017 12:47

He said he wouldn't take a DNA tests for this new baby?
Well that should tell you everything need to know!

ColourfulOrangex · 18/07/2017 12:51

I'd run if I was you, all this drama is just going to get worse and it will drive you mad

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 18/07/2017 12:54

And yes, even if he's innocent, this shit is only going to get worse. Is this really what you want for your future?

londonrach · 18/07/2017 12:56

Seriously unless you have children with him you need to walk away from this situation. It will only get worse.

Dadstheworld · 18/07/2017 13:04

Jeez how can people live like this.

Get out while you have no ties to this guy. It sounds like the Ex and your DP were made for each other.

swingofthings · 18/07/2017 13:05

Really feel for you OP. Whatever the truth, that message but have come as a massive shock and torn you apart.

In the end, either she is totally mad, or he is totally lying. Unfortunately, the latter is much more probable.

Miserylovescompany2 · 18/07/2017 13:05

Get them both together in the same room and watch the SHIT hit the fan!

He's either a master of manipulation or spineless?

She is either a complete bunny boiler or she is telling the truth?

He's playing you both off each other so think very carefully which category you place him in?

I'd leave now, you are currently contributing to a property you have no legal claim on.

Go back to your mothers and draw a line through the both of them.

19lottie82 · 18/07/2017 13:07

I agree, get them in the same room and see what happens.

I'm sorry to say OP but I am tending to believe her with the pregnancy. She's given you evidence with the screenshots of their text convos where he refuses a DNA test.

Honestly, have some dignity and just leave.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 18/07/2017 13:09

Confused Okayyy. Is he really worth this hassle? Really?

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