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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want DP ex to stay here with us?

237 replies

Lydia393 · 17/07/2017 15:39

Quite a complex story so bare with me.

Me and DP have been with each other for 2 years. In December last year, a girl my DP has slept with on a few occasions approached him and said he was the father to her one year old daughter. He took a DNA test which came back he was the father and vowed to support his daughter and be in her life. I obviously was heartbroken that he had another child with another women (despite us not being together when it occurred) but I had spent a year of my life with this man by that point so we decided to work through it.

Since the mother of his child has came in to his life, she has been nothing but hard work. I am sure she has some sort of feelings for him deep down and resents that he is with me. She causes issues (lies about her daughter being sick to get the attention on her etc) attempts to start arguments with me over social media (which I never react to) Accuses DP of loving me more than he does his daughter, just petty things like that.

His DD comes round every weekend and she will not allow me to meet his daughter, so I have to stay at my mums when she comes over for the weekend else she won't let DP have her.

I live with him although its his house that he owns, I have no legal rights to it but I do contribute towards the bills etc from my own wages. She plays on this, tells him I have "no right" being in his house and that his daughter has more of a right to be there than I do so if she wants to come over, I must leave.

Now another drama filled situation has come up. Her tenancy has ended on her house and the landlords want to sell so she has to move out. She has sorted a new property to move in to but this wont be ready until the 18th of August and she has to leave her current property by Friday so she will be effectively homeless until then. She does have family close by (mum, dad, sister) but has told DP that she has fallen out with them and they've said she can't stay with them.

She is expecting DP to put both her and her DD up until they're able to move in to their new property. DP told her that DD is welcome to stay but she is not, she has kicked up a fuss saying she has more right to be there than I do because she is the mother of his child and owes her a duty of care as her daughters mother (we have no children). She has told him she is putting me before his daughter and the mother of his daughter.

He is now reconsidering letting her stay because they have a conversation and he said he felt sorry for her because "she sounded like she genuinely didn't have anywhere to go" The thing is, if they do stay I will probably have to leave (if I don't, she will use her daughter against DP) so I will have to stay with my mum for a month, if not then I don't really want to share the house with such a volatile person who causes problems and who clearly does not like me.

She enjoys pushing me out of his and his families life's and feel like her daughter is a ticket to do so. Such as I was invited to his sisters wedding a few months ago but I could not go in the end because she decided she would not let her DD go to the wedding UNLESS she was also coming, so his sister had to invite her too so her niece could be there (then she refused to come if I was invited so I was asked not to come!)

AIBU if I tell DP I don't want her to stay? It's his house and I don't want to control what he does I just feel its a bit cheeky, if she was a nice person and behaved like a mother opposed to a jealous trouble maker, I would have less of an issue.

It hurts me that he has fathered a child by another women (even though we wasn't together) but the fact she is such a horrible person just makes it worse.

She doesn't work, she supports herself entirely off the money he gives her in child support (over £1000 a month) so I see no reason she can't put herself up in a b&b

OP posts:
JCo24 · 17/07/2017 17:18

This stressed me out just reading it! I really feel for you OP.

You mention you stay with your mother EOW. Does she have any opinion on the matter? I assume she knows why you keep staying over routinely?

dottycat123 · 17/07/2017 17:18

If she is already making accusations of rape the repercussions of having her sleeping in the same house alone with dp are huge. Your dp must be able to see this.

uokhunni · 17/07/2017 17:19

Omg 😡 The first time I'd have had to leave the house at the weekend would have been the last time I would have seen him and as for the wedding thing, I'm speechless!

Please get out of this toxic relationship OP.

ThoseDarnBuns · 17/07/2017 17:20

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else either cut your losses and leave or tell him to grow a spine and get legalities in place this is not healthy for your relationship or his with his daughter.

If you don't feel you can say the words then show him this thread and see what he has to say.

Goodluck

Gemini69 · 17/07/2017 17:20

I would drop this guy off of a MASSIVE cliff ....

IStoleDipsysHat · 17/07/2017 17:21

Oh, just had another thought. Once she moves in she will never leave and will demand he dump you or he will never see his child again and she will make other stuff up. You will then be the other woman by default and then you will be the one stalking and harassing her happy family.
There's no winning this if he won't stand up.

JustMe2000 · 17/07/2017 17:26

She's a manipulative bitch and you DP is weak. Leave him or your life will be hell with her in it. It won't get any better, I'm afraid.

I bet if he allows her to move in that something horrible will come up and she'll suddenly lose her rented property so she'll need more time in his house to look for another one, and that could take months or years, because poor her is so difficult to find the right property...and then she gains time with him and keeps you away :/

demirose87 · 17/07/2017 17:27

This is ridiculous. Refuse to leave the house when the child is there. It's your home too. If your partner doesn't like not seeing his child, maybe he'll grow a pair of balls and stand up for you as he should have been doing, and go to court to get access to his child. She sounds like a nightmare but I'm afraid this is your partner's fault for allowing this to carry on like this. She came back into your DP's life after months, and expected him to pander to her, even though he has a serious partner and his life is different now.If he's not willing to stand up to her you're better off leaving and never returning because you will always be second best to his ex partner. I always think children should be the priority in any situation, but he is prioritising the ex, not the child.

Gemini69 · 17/07/2017 17:28

This guy is a GradeA Clown... it's almost incredible to believe you have tolerated being treated like an outsider in your own home for so long...

OR he ultimately wants you to LEAVE .. by treating you so appallingly x

LifeWithMeaning · 17/07/2017 17:30

I feel sorry for you, your DP and his daughter. I can understand why he is so torn and it's unfair to say leave him. It's not his fault.

She is using him, you both need to come together and stand your ground, go through the legal side of things and he can have legal access to her, pay less in CM, and she will have no say. Your DP will need to warn work, deactivate Social Media for a while and suck it up. It may very well mean he won't see his daughter for a while but he will eventually, do this whilst she's still young!

If she moves in, she won't leave or will coerce/make up stories about sleeping with him etc.

viques · 17/07/2017 17:32

So your partner is prepared to share a house ,alone, for a month,with someone who has already threatened to claim he has raped her. he's not too bright is he?

honeylulu · 17/07/2017 17:33

Unless he stands up to her and goes through official channels, I'm afraid your relationship is doomed.
I suspect the same as other pps, that if she moves in he'll end up sleeping with her and she may even wear him down into a relationship. Think about how difficult it is for him to have a relationship with you, and how fraught his relationship with his daughter currently is. For a weak willed man it might just be easier to get back with her.
I bet she would get pregnant again straight away too.

TheNaze73 · 17/07/2017 17:35

I think he's having to tread a very careful line here. Bitter ex's can use children as a weapon, which it appears she is. One false moved and he's fucked.

Maybe a compromise agreement needs to be reached but, she sounds proper batshit

Shinesun09 · 17/07/2017 17:37

Wow this sound crazy, OP I would be sitting down and having a serious word with him because if it were me and I had to leave the
House I would not be going back. I would recommend going through the courts and making visitation so she cannot backtrack on it, also keep evidence of all future payments to her because you can be sure she'll deny it sometime in the future.
Thank goodness the baby is too young to understand what's going on

ChickenBhuna · 17/07/2017 17:38

You've had great advice OP.

Please put your foot down and encourage your partner to do the same. He's simply not standing up for you and your relationship and that's not good enough.

This mad bitch has taken over your life. It needs to stop.

Softkitty2 · 17/07/2017 17:41

For his sake i hope he is keeping records of the threats/blackmailing/crazy behaviour so when she finally decides to go ahead with her threat he can defend himself

WannaBe · 17/07/2017 17:41

Did he rape her? Because tbh I would wonder at someone who is prepared to back down on the basis of a rape allegation against them.

It makes absolutely no sense that he would be prepared to fain a relationship with this woman, i.e. Moving her into his house in your place, going to weddings etc with her given all the stuff she has threatened against him.

I would leave without question not because I think she is mental (although quite clearly she is,) but because the instant someone threatened to go to the police to accuse my partner of rape and he capitulate to their will because of it it would make me wonder exactly what his past held which I was unaware of.

Sorry, but the term no smoke without fire holds true for me here. If he never raped her he would have gone to the police by now.

MiddleClassProblem · 17/07/2017 17:42

He really needs to be looking at his legalities here for both access and the harassment. He needs to collate evidence etc.

I would only be prepared to stay if he was prepared to do this otherwise he's not only leaving it open for this behaviour to be never ending but also implying he has a soft spot for her on which case it's over. It's hard when you love someone to leave them in the shot and let her get what she wants but if that person is not willing to fight it then that says a lot, imo.

comedycentral · 17/07/2017 17:44

Run like the wind OP, he will never change and neither will she!

TwoBusyCnuts · 17/07/2017 17:45

Run. Life doesn't have to be this hard you know.

Msqueen33 · 17/07/2017 17:46

Christ she sounds bat shit! And he sounds like a complete twat for putting up with it.

Stop leaving your house. He should not let her move in unless he wants you to move out and he needs to see a bloody solicitor.

You need to see where he truly stands on this because it will only get worse. I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship with him.

needsomesunshineandwine · 17/07/2017 17:51

I would walk away, far too much hassle and stress. I imagine it will only get worse.

She sounds like an arse and he sounds like a coward.

MandateMandy · 17/07/2017 17:54

He needs to speak to the police about her harassing him. Keep records of all of her threats and have them logged with the police. Discuss with his employer that he is being harrassed and ask them to log any calls or messages made to them by her. Then tell her that he will not pander to her demands anymore and is seeking a court order for contact.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that if she sets foot in the house - you are gone. If you are uninvited or not invited to any family parties because of her - you are gone. If you are not allowed to meet his daughter the next time she comes for access - you are gone. And stick to it. To be honest - the fact that he is even entertaining the idea that she moves into his home and you move out would be enough to have me running for the hills. I'm sure you can do a hell of a lot better than this Lydia. Good Luck!

19lottie82 · 17/07/2017 17:55

Wannabe...... wow that's a pretty cuntish thing to suggest.
Just because he's a spineless wimp doesn't mean he's a rapist. Fucking hell

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 17/07/2017 17:58

Having another think and read of this, as a few other posters have said, this is ringing major alarm bells on other levels. She harassed him at work and has accused him of rape and yet he hasn't got the police involved or consulted a solicitor and instead is paying her 1k a month and considering moving her in?
Something is really not right here.