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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want DP ex to stay here with us?

237 replies

Lydia393 · 17/07/2017 15:39

Quite a complex story so bare with me.

Me and DP have been with each other for 2 years. In December last year, a girl my DP has slept with on a few occasions approached him and said he was the father to her one year old daughter. He took a DNA test which came back he was the father and vowed to support his daughter and be in her life. I obviously was heartbroken that he had another child with another women (despite us not being together when it occurred) but I had spent a year of my life with this man by that point so we decided to work through it.

Since the mother of his child has came in to his life, she has been nothing but hard work. I am sure she has some sort of feelings for him deep down and resents that he is with me. She causes issues (lies about her daughter being sick to get the attention on her etc) attempts to start arguments with me over social media (which I never react to) Accuses DP of loving me more than he does his daughter, just petty things like that.

His DD comes round every weekend and she will not allow me to meet his daughter, so I have to stay at my mums when she comes over for the weekend else she won't let DP have her.

I live with him although its his house that he owns, I have no legal rights to it but I do contribute towards the bills etc from my own wages. She plays on this, tells him I have "no right" being in his house and that his daughter has more of a right to be there than I do so if she wants to come over, I must leave.

Now another drama filled situation has come up. Her tenancy has ended on her house and the landlords want to sell so she has to move out. She has sorted a new property to move in to but this wont be ready until the 18th of August and she has to leave her current property by Friday so she will be effectively homeless until then. She does have family close by (mum, dad, sister) but has told DP that she has fallen out with them and they've said she can't stay with them.

She is expecting DP to put both her and her DD up until they're able to move in to their new property. DP told her that DD is welcome to stay but she is not, she has kicked up a fuss saying she has more right to be there than I do because she is the mother of his child and owes her a duty of care as her daughters mother (we have no children). She has told him she is putting me before his daughter and the mother of his daughter.

He is now reconsidering letting her stay because they have a conversation and he said he felt sorry for her because "she sounded like she genuinely didn't have anywhere to go" The thing is, if they do stay I will probably have to leave (if I don't, she will use her daughter against DP) so I will have to stay with my mum for a month, if not then I don't really want to share the house with such a volatile person who causes problems and who clearly does not like me.

She enjoys pushing me out of his and his families life's and feel like her daughter is a ticket to do so. Such as I was invited to his sisters wedding a few months ago but I could not go in the end because she decided she would not let her DD go to the wedding UNLESS she was also coming, so his sister had to invite her too so her niece could be there (then she refused to come if I was invited so I was asked not to come!)

AIBU if I tell DP I don't want her to stay? It's his house and I don't want to control what he does I just feel its a bit cheeky, if she was a nice person and behaved like a mother opposed to a jealous trouble maker, I would have less of an issue.

It hurts me that he has fathered a child by another women (even though we wasn't together) but the fact she is such a horrible person just makes it worse.

She doesn't work, she supports herself entirely off the money he gives her in child support (over £1000 a month) so I see no reason she can't put herself up in a b&b

OP posts:
IHeartDodo · 17/07/2017 16:41

agree with PPs - tell him if he asks you to leave now you're not coming back

Crunchymum · 17/07/2017 16:52

It sounds very complicated, and what your DP needs to do is start putting together a dossier of all her messages (the threats she is making, plus all the other messages too) and he needs to apply for access via the courts and eliminate this vile bitch from his life.

Sadly I fear your relationship will be collateral damage in all this.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 17/07/2017 16:53

Christ alive, this is utterly depressing reading.

Echoing so many PPs, cut your losses OP. I've had to deal with a batshit ex of DH's (a clinically diagnosed narcissist, we've had the police involved on multiple occasions), and she looks almost reasonable next to this woman.

This will not get better. Your DP doesn't sound like he has any sort of testicular fortitude when it comes to dealing with her, and you deserve far bloody better than this.

happypoobum · 17/07/2017 16:53

I would leave them to it.

Far too much tedious drama.

Lynnm63 · 17/07/2017 16:55

Your DP is the problem. His ex is crazy but he's the one making you move out each weekend. Stop. If he lets crazy X stay you should leave and never go back. His dd will come first but his crazy ex should be so far down the pecking order you'd need the Hubble telescope to see her.

Winterc00kie · 17/07/2017 16:58

She sounds absolutely batshit crazy.

The film fatal attraction springs to mind...............

IStoleDipsysHat · 17/07/2017 16:59

Leave.
If he won't deal with her appropriately. Blocking her from all media and having a separate email for contact arrangements only. Police for harassment and her other unreasonable behaviour and courts for access then he's getting himself dragged in deeper and murkier waters, where eventually someone in authority will take her accusations at face value and he will be in a world of hurt, you included if you stay. If you think her accusations will stop at rape given her behaviour you have another thing coming. The day she accuses him of hurting the child authorities have to air on the side of caution and you really are guilty until proven innocent, even then they will be hyper cautious.

Seenoevil · 17/07/2017 16:59

Wtf.

Tell her no, and stop going to your mums every weekend! I can't believe you actually do that.

Your dp needs to get a back bone and get access sorted through court, better to do this while the kids young rather then when it's 5-6 yrs old...

The fact he's even reconsidering is shocking.

If my dp ex all of a sudden said she was in the same position she wouldn't be told no without a backwards glance.

Seenoevil · 17/07/2017 17:00

She would be told no*

Such a pain you can't edit a post!

notangelinajolie · 17/07/2017 17:00

Agreeing with everyone else on here. It's him not her. Walk away.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 17/07/2017 17:01

Have you actually seen any of these threats she makes regarding accussing him of rape, OP? Confused

VeryButchyRestingFace · 17/07/2017 17:01

*accusing Blush

AnyFucker · 17/07/2017 17:03

They deserve each pther

Just walk away

Justhadmyhaircut · 17/07/2017 17:05

Your dp (dear puppet) isn't committed to your relationship. .
Run my friend run. .
And find yourself a man with real balls. . .
Leave him to his drama and his puppeteer. .

Notevilstepmother · 17/07/2017 17:08

He is letting a woman that is apparently threatening him with a rape allegation move in with him, have £1000 a month, go to weddings with him and making you leave your home at weekends?! He hasn't taken her to court though.

I can't work out if he is an idiot, has no spine, or if he is just a bastard and shagging her still.

Either way, just get out of this horrific relationship.

The wedding would have been the end of it for me, and I wouldn't have left my home at weekends to begin with.

She's got him right where she wants him and he is letting her get away with it, as are you.

Softkitty2 · 17/07/2017 17:09

Proceed how you wish to go on. If she gets her way you will either have to accept this is whats going to happen in the future or you and can you accept that he can easily be manipulated by her or move on.

Ceto · 17/07/2017 17:09

If he doesn't stand his ground, she is going to use the threat of alienating his daughter for the next 20 years. I suspect the reality is that she is never going to stop contact, not least because your partner is a convenient babysitter. But if she does he will have to take it to court. Constantly giving in will do no-one any good.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 17/07/2017 17:10

Can you see this getting any better?
Do you think in 5 years she will still be bitter?

I guarantee she wouldn't cut him out of the child's life. He has her every weekend and pays £1000 a month in maintanece she isn't going too be willing to give that up.
Because if it went through CSA they wouldn't make him lay £1000.

HipsterHunter · 17/07/2017 17:11

Tbh, save yourself years more of this crap and just leave now

^This x 100%

Oswin · 17/07/2017 17:11

Bloody hell runaway from this shit. I would bet my last pound if she moves in and you move out they will sleep together.

Evewasinnocent · 17/07/2017 17:12

I feel your pain - we have had a difficult Ex in our lives now for over 30 years (they split a year before I met DH). Think long and hard - personally - for better or worse - I stayed (eyes wide open) and have no regrets - but it is a lifetime commitment and it does get easier to put up with - but it is difficult as DCs must always come first. Lay the ground rules now if you are in for the longterm - but YANBU. It does sound as if she wants you out so she can make a move on your DP - what does your DP want? At the moment he appears to giving her the proverbial inch (I guess to keep things calm - but clearly this isn't working)

Foxysoxy01 · 17/07/2017 17:14

She is always going to be a part of his life (or at least for 18ish years) and you will forever be having these dramas and having to remove yourself from your home etc etc unless your DP is willing to stand up and stop this situation.

It sounds like he is unwilling to change the way you are treated for various reasons so you need to make a decision either accept that's the way things are and make the best of it or leave them to their silly games and drama.

You are not going to change the ex so she will continue to act as she does all the time your DP allows himself and you to be treated like that. The only person who can make this better is your DP.

Guiltypleasures001 · 17/07/2017 17:15

If she is threatening a rape charge, just think what she can say when she moves in ?

She won't leave this has shit written all over it

loobyloo1234 · 17/07/2017 17:16

Why is he allowing her to walk all over him like this? Its illegal to harass someone to the point they are calling his workplace and spreading rumours. Why has he not been to the police about that?

He sounds pathetic OP. I'm sorry. The wedding thing along had me Shock

Either he grows a pair, sees a solicitor and gets visitation rights - aswell as speaking with the police about the harassment side of thigs or I would be walking running away

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 17/07/2017 17:18

I think your DP could handle this better, but at the same time I don't think it's entirely fair to call him spineless. He has accepted paternity, pays maintenance, and loves his DD.

The ex is obviously batshit, but if she's making threats (and her behaviour so far makes it sound like she's well capable of carrying them out) that if he doesn't jump to her every demand he'll never see his DD again, that's a very powerful leverage to have.

But if he keeps giving in because he's terrified of not seeing his DD, he needs a much better strategy for dealing with it. And I'm afraid that in the end it might well come down to a choice between you and DD (and therefore ex).

You at least need a very long, deep and honest conversation with him. If he wants to change things, it's up to you whether you want to help him do that or not.