DCs (age 8 and 10) can't swim or ride bikes

[iwouldgoouttonight]

It's more of a what would you do really. I feel like such a failure as a parent. If one child couldn't swim or ride a bike I might think that was their personality and they weren't a very physical person but as it's both of them I guess it's our fault.

They went to swimming lessons for about a year when they were younger (about 4 and 6) and they didn't enjoy it but I kept encouraging them to go. But by the end although DC1 had moved up a group they still both hated it, to the stage where they'd have only got in the water if I'd physically picked them up and put them in screaming and crying (which I wasn't going to do).

DP can't swim so I thought I'd take them swimming each week and teach them myself. They enjoy being in the water and DC1 has got to the stage where he can 'swim' under water and is very confident but can't do an actual stroke and can't lift his head out to breathe without putting his feet on the floor. DC2 can't put her face in the water despite lots of encouragement. She's done it once, hated it, refuses to do it again.

Similar with bikes, they both had bikes, we tried with stabilisers, tried with taking the pedals off and going down a slight slope to get them balancing. But every time they'd get upset, say they don't want to do it and everyone would get stressed. We tried one to one and also with them both trying together. They've now both outgrown the bikes they had so they don't have bikes and it doesn't seem worth buying another one for it to sit in the shed with them refusing to ride it.

DP and I both cycle to work so they're see cycling as a normal every day activity but they just don't want to learn. DC1 had bikability at school and he refused to take part there too.

I'm not as bothered about the cycling but I would like them to learn to swim but I have no idea how to go about it. I thought one to one lessons might help but they don't want to go.

They're really well behaved and as enthusiastic about other things, and will try new things. Eg DC1 went on a school trip to an outdoor pursuits centre and tried abseiling, kayaking, etc. and enjoyed it.

Any ideas?? Saying 'learning to swim is non-negotiable in our house', as some RL friends have said, isn't helpful, we know it's important, but you can't physically force a child to do it.

not sure if this will help but here goes
I didn't learn to swim or ride a bike either, for various complicated reasons.

I then learned to swim in my 20s but by then I knew to avoid learning to ride a bike as I'm physically incompetent. I do wish someone had helped me work on that in particular - perhaps in this day and age some sort of physical training/therapy can help with that? I can fall over my feet at any point. It's taken a huge amount of courage to take up running and even then I only run on a known flat route a local park, I just go round and round rather than daring to try anything else.

I have a litany of physical injuries from being physically incompetent as well, it's not my imagination. I think possibly I'd be labelled dyspraxic now but as I had no trouble learning to drive, I'm not sure.

anyway, the short version is - perhaps focus on the "why" they are having issues rather than the practicalities of cycling or swimming. Physical competence is needed for all sorts of things. I can't even rush up and down stairs at work any more because I fall over so easily.

Find a warm pool.
I hated all swimming but learnt easily in a bath-like pool. It takes the discomfort out of an already traumatic event!

oh and for the record, my parents often wondered why I couldn't do things but sadly all they did was tell me off rather than trying to figure out any "why" and how they might help.

I agree that learning these skills needs to become non negotiable. This is not the same as forcing. It is like going to school - you just have to go whether you like it or not. Parents shouldn't give any suggestion that this can be avoided if it's not enjoyed. This will be tricky to start with if you have been much more flexible and responsive to their desires over swimming and biking so far, but you are the adult and can do this, unless there are genuine special needs reasons for not.

My DC did not learn to ride a bike easily. DH tried to teach them over a couple of summers and it always ended with wailing. In the end we paid someone who we found through the council cycling website. DC had 8 45 min lessons 1-2-1 and cracked it, at age 9. After this, was still not a hugely condiment cyclist but could do it and join in Bikeability at school.

I do see both skills as life skills. Swimming is a safety issue and cycling so useful, although clearly you can live without it and some people never get on a bike for decades at a time. However, unless there are special needs reasons not to push through with this, I would and would see helping my child swim and ride a bike as akin to helping them learn to read and use the potty or later go on the bus by themself or cross the road. If you decide this has to happen and take control, you can make it happen. Throw some money at it if it's proving difficult for you. I couldn't believe we were paying someone to teach DC to ride a bike - every other parent seemed to manage it. However it was worth going without a few luxuries for the lessons (which were subsidised by council incidentally) in order to get over the hurdle it has become.

@Lowdoorinthewal1

Yes I would take non-swimming children to a flumes and slides pool. DH and I did, this morning, take our 3yo and 1yo children to exactly that kind of place. It was full of non-swimmer children having a wonderful time. Obviously we didn't take them on the rapids or flumes, and helped them when out of their depth. We all really enjoyed ourselves.

If you mean would I leave non-swimmer children to get on with it on their own and therefore get themselves into trouble, obviously not.

It's been a good few years now, but as part of a previous job I read the annual "Drownings in the UK" document which was published by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents. As I recall, the majority of children who drowned were toddlers who should have been more closely supervised. Some had managed to wriggle through or under fences and hedges into neighbours' garden where they fell into garden ponds, or were visiting people who had ponds or pools. It wasn't so much the lack of ability to swim, as a lack of adult supervision and/or a failure to restrict access to pools and ponds.

Teenagers and young adults who drowned were very often under the influence of alcohol or drugs, so again, childhood swimming lessons wouldn't have been of much use.

My father can't swim, and neither can my sister. They've got to the ages of 83 and 48 without this having done them any harm or put them at any risk of drowning.

As I said before, it's actually over-confidence around water which is risky. Those who can't swim, and are aware of the dangers, avoid being in or near water and so are actually less likely to drown.

If your children can't swim, then don't take them to a swimming pool. Don't take them on a holiday which is centred around swimming pools and the sea.

My two youngest are extremely good swimmers ,much better than their older brothers and I put this down to them having one to one lessons as part of a scheme where local sixth formers (as part of some sort of community award scheme) taught younger children from a local primary school.
That intense help and instruction made all the difference.

My pair (9) are having one to two lessons in a small, private and very warm pool, they were happy to be in the water before this but just not learning much and DS was sure he was a better swimmer than he was. They are making good progress but it does take time, I had underestimated how long it took.

One of mine likes cycling and the other is very nervous, we don't do nearly as much as we should due to the faff factors, we would have to put a bike rack,on the car and drive to a safe place. The fact they don't cycle well is down to us and our lifestyle choices. I do feel the guilt.

FFS you're not a failure, it's bloody hard when you've got kids that don't want to even get in. I tried all sorts with mine including 6 months of 1-2-1 lessons at £24 per half hour. Nothing worked. No amount of punishment, bribery, removing stuff made any difference. In the end I dropped it. What made a difference in the end was going with a friend whose relative is a swimming teacher - so maybe it's a case of the right instructor or maybe just the right motivation. But nothing worked until she decided she wanted to.

And with cycling, she really really struggled and then one day it seemed to click. Interestingly it was just after a bit of a growth spurt and I wondered if being a bit heavier made it easier to balance.

If they don't want to learn then it is up to them.
Lots of parents throw money at swimming it isn't necessary but of course up to them what they do with their money.
None of ours learned how to swim properly, they'd stand as much chance as a swimmer if they fell into the canal.
If there was a tsunami, being able to swim wouldn't save you.
The same with floods if you had no life jacket or float to hold onto.

As for cycling, some kids/ grown ups enjoy it and others don't.
They're a nuisance on the pavements and too dangerous for the roads now, so a bit obsolete unless you have a big car to take them to woodlands and cycle trails.

One of ours took ages to learn to swim even though she had pre-school classes, lessons in school and rips to the pool as a family. We got it sorted on a break at CentreParcs. Going to a big, fun pool every day, nice relaxed atmosphere etc helped and it just clicked into place. There's cycling there too.

Why is kerning to ride a bike a life skill?. Serious question as I'm a 40 can't ride a bike and it's not impacted on my life in anyway. I still rember my family trying to force me. As a pp said unlike swimming/water bikes are just something you can ignore/never encounter

That's quite shocking! Actually thought every child over 7 would be able to swim nowadays after all the campaigns etc.

At 8 and 10 are they not embarrassed? About the bike too?

I would definitely be fixing this over summer. 6 weeks is plenty of time for them both to learn. Can't imagine a child in secondary school not being able to swim, what'll he do on school trips away? Or when he goes on holiday with friends.

Swimming and bike riding were non-negotiables for my children, in the same way school is - I've never had to send them kicking or screaming into school, either, as they understood these were just not opt-out activities whether they liked them or not. Other activities they did because they chose to, but learning to swim and to ride a bike were viewed as essential life skills in our family, like learning how to dress yourself, how to read, how to write, how to wash yourself, etc, etc. Ds1 has low muscle tone, hypermobility, and seems incapable of learning practical skills without significant input, so I can't say I wasn't sometimes tempted to let it all slide, but I'm glad now that I didn't, as both swimming and cycling were excellent ways of improving his strength and co-ordination and helping him understand how much you can achieve if you don't give up at the first hurdle. He loves swimming now that he is a good swimmer, and also loves kayaking, something I would be less keen to let him do if he couldn't swim. Cycling he could generally take or leave - tends to go out on average only a couple of times on his bike over the summer, and only then if going somewhere flat with an ice cream or picnic lunch in the middle!!

In addition, if it was that necessary it would be on the nc until a child was able.
The fact they go for a min amount of time speaks volumes.

What are your kids like at other sports/ things that require coordination? Could there be an underlying problem?
I would make swimming this summers project. Try and book 1-1 or small group lessons for every day for the first 3 weeks of the summer holidays. I found 1-3 the best for my kids. 1-6 was too big. Both kids in different groups if poss. Then go out for a treat straight afterwards. Preferably in a warm calm pool so look if any local gyms or hotels run lessons. If they haven't learnt after 3 weeks continue for the whole holiday. If they have carry on going every day for fun.
They don't need to be able to do nice strokes just enough to get themselves out of trouble and enough to enjoy swimming on holiday, pool parties with friends etc. They won't want to wear armbands as teenagers!

My DD was nervous about swimming, went to lessons for a couple of years and got nowhere. One summer I enrolled her for an intensive course, lesson every day Monday to Friday for 2 weeks, she ended up doing it twice so 4 straight weeks and by the end she could swim on her front and back and all fear had gone. I think the trouble with weekly lessons was every week we were back to square one.

Not being able to swim is dangerous. Tbh i'd go as far as saying its a necessary life skill like learning to cook, if they end up in the water in an accident or something, they're as good as dead if they cannot swim.

Zweller "Why is kerning to ride a bike a life skill?. Serious question as I'm a 40 can't ride a bike and it's not impacted on my life in anyway. I still rember my family trying to force me. As a pp said unlike swimming/water bikes are just something you can ignore/never encounter"

well I'd say you could never encounter water either but then I live in London and hardly go away!

Right I've emailed a couple of places that do one-to-one lessons, just enquiring about DC1 at first. Eyewateringly expensive but then we were paying £3-4 a week each for group lessons for over a year and they didn't get anywhere so that was a false economy.

This has hit a chord with me FATEdestiny

Having overcome their fear, embrassament and face a difficult challenge head-on... And succeeded. He long term boost to their confidence will be massive in many different aspects of life.

I think DC1 in particular gives up on things if he can't do them easily when others can, which may be some of the issue. He sees others in the lesson just 'getting' it and he lacks confidence. If he can persevere and learn how to swim even though it's difficult then he should feel justifably proud.

Now just have the trauma of getting him there. Well it'll be easy to get him there, but like OlennasWimple said, getting a child to even put on their swim suit is a battle. Which will be even worse knowing I'm paying £££s for him to be refusing to get in the pool!

Also just thought - I suppose this is easy to say because I learned swimming as an adult, but I'd prioritise the bike riding at this age. Learning to ride a bike as a fully grown adult, the injury potential was just too intimidating, whereas little kids are kind of used to falling over etc.

Hey there!

Have you considered your kids might be dyspraxic?

Neither of my kids can swim or ride a bike and they are both dyspraxic. It runs in families.

Are they uncoordinated in any way? Frequently trip or bang into things? Messy eaters?

My DD couldn't swim without armbands until she was 9. That's probably "late", but she just hated water in her face, she used to get almost hysterical (hairwashing was a huge issue when she was little too). The "cure", on holiday in Greece - she met some friends and they spent hours in the pool. They never teased her or anything but one day she just took them off (I was watching). She actually could swim but they were a sort of comfort blanket I think.
Bike riding, she was slow too, but I was slightly impatient with her (😳😳), so I asked a dear friend of ours who had 4 boys to take her with him one day on their family bike ride. She came home with no stabilisers!

Glad you've booked lessons . To me swimming is also not negotiable. You have to be able to swim - my DTDs (8) had their first lesson at 6 months old. They didn't have a choice, and would sometimes scream, but it had to be done. Now they'd spend their lives in the pool if they were able to. If they see water they're in. I rest much easier knowing they'd be safe if they fell in water somewhere.

Hi OP, firstly, you are very far, from a failure, so put that right out of your mind. My suggestion is, that your youngest child, who appears to like splashing around with toys, should learn first. You can bribe him more easily, and hopefully, seeing the younger sibling swimming, will spur the older one on, to learn. Just a thought.
I could never roller skate ! 😄