DCs (age 8 and 10) can't swim or ride bikes

[iwouldgoouttonight]

It's more of a what would you do really. I feel like such a failure as a parent. If one child couldn't swim or ride a bike I might think that was their personality and they weren't a very physical person but as it's both of them I guess it's our fault.

They went to swimming lessons for about a year when they were younger (about 4 and 6) and they didn't enjoy it but I kept encouraging them to go. But by the end although DC1 had moved up a group they still both hated it, to the stage where they'd have only got in the water if I'd physically picked them up and put them in screaming and crying (which I wasn't going to do).

DP can't swim so I thought I'd take them swimming each week and teach them myself. They enjoy being in the water and DC1 has got to the stage where he can 'swim' under water and is very confident but can't do an actual stroke and can't lift his head out to breathe without putting his feet on the floor. DC2 can't put her face in the water despite lots of encouragement. She's done it once, hated it, refuses to do it again.

Similar with bikes, they both had bikes, we tried with stabilisers, tried with taking the pedals off and going down a slight slope to get them balancing. But every time they'd get upset, say they don't want to do it and everyone would get stressed. We tried one to one and also with them both trying together. They've now both outgrown the bikes they had so they don't have bikes and it doesn't seem worth buying another one for it to sit in the shed with them refusing to ride it.

DP and I both cycle to work so they're see cycling as a normal every day activity but they just don't want to learn. DC1 had bikability at school and he refused to take part there too.

I'm not as bothered about the cycling but I would like them to learn to swim but I have no idea how to go about it. I thought one to one lessons might help but they don't want to go.

They're really well behaved and as enthusiastic about other things, and will try new things. Eg DC1 went on a school trip to an outdoor pursuits centre and tried abseiling, kayaking, etc. and enjoyed it.

Any ideas?? Saying 'learning to swim is non-negotiable in our house', as some RL friends have said, isn't helpful, we know it's important, but you can't physically force a child to do it.

If anything I'd push the cycling over swimming. It's more useful in every day life than swimming

With regards to actually getting them to lessons I would just drop them off and go and sit in the cafe, they will just feel silly eventually and the instructor will get them joining in, this is probably more effective in a group setting though.

Swimming really is an important life skill. I would persist with that, probably by investigating private lessons with a good teacher. The children are old enough to understand that they must learn to swim. I wouldn't turn it into a confrontation but I would be calm and insistent. If they had a true phobia I would approach things differently, but they enjoy the water.

As for riding bicycles, I would let that go if they really are uninterested. I remember spending many happy days on my bike as a child, so for me it was a key part of my childhood. However, one of my siblings never learned to ride a bicycle. I don't think he regrets it.

I also mentioned the cycling lessons as sometimes they can play up a bit for parents but are fine when being taught by somebody else

I'd encourage swimming as much as possible, maybe do lots of low depth/fun stuff to develop an enjoyment and hopefully a desire to learn more? Otherwise search out the best teachers for building confidence in your area. It's such an important skill.

I tried several schools until I found the right one for my kids
the main issue for my skinny son was that those he hated were in very cold pools
so I went on looking for one with warmer water
at early stage there are lots of standing around and kids get cold and upset by it

I thought swimming was part of the school curriculum? That's where mine learnt the basics.

Swimming- important to us, live near sea, often holiday by sea and also want to do other sports like canoeing and sailing, so it's a must and they have to do it to a certain level. I'd try bribery if nothing else!!!

Cycling- I can cycle and used to go aged 10 on cycling holidays with my dad, however, I hate it as an adult and nothing would induce me to go on a bike with traffic around me, possibly on a trail, but I am just not interested in biking, I don't think this is a big deal and also it can be picked up pretty easily later on if they want.

I'd push the swimming as a life skill and as something that has to happen one way or another, perhaps focus on one child at once, there seems to be something of a contagious hysteria going on around water that individually could probably be overcome. I was nervous around water and took longer to learn to swim, but I did and I can swim (or have swum) about a mile as an adult.

Divide and conquer.

Do you take them out individually? It sounds as tho they might be feeding off of each other's anxiety/drama queen tendencies if they both claim to hate the same things at the same time.

I pretty much forced my DS to learn to swim. He had lessons at a great swim school which he hated, but when he finally learnt it was fantastic. I think he did it without aids finally on holiday, but he was 5 then. Prob much harder to cajole an older child.
For me it is a life skill. I didn't learn to swim until I was 11 and I was v nervous around water. I still am if it's not a swimming pool, am not keen on water slides or going too far out at sea.
My two also learnt to ride a bike early on, we didn't do anything amazing, just kept going. Again ds was 4 and DD was about 6 I think. You can get 1-2-1 instructors to help them learn.
However of the two I would say swimming is more important whereas not being able to ride is more of an inconvenience.

My dc are a bit younger (8 and 6) and can do neither. We went on holiday for a fortnight and I paid for 4 1-2-1 lessons each, combined with being in the pool every day the 8 yo can now do a length and the 6 yo can go out of own depth and swim widths. I will follow this up with lessons to get the technique sorted. First progress we've ever made despite lots of lessons. I'm bloody delighted tbh!

For me, swimming is not important. I see it as an enjoyable activity for some, but the chance of me ever drowning is remote. I simply don't go in (or even near) pools, though I do enjoy going to the riverfront park, and sitting on a bench.

Same with most people: the risk of drowning is mostly about choices. Don't like swimming, don't go near the water.

Cycling, on the other hand, is really useful for most children.

Could you try some sort of bribery reward?

Eg, you'll take them to an amazing water park once they both have their first swimming badge?
Rather than telling them that something awful could happen if they can't swim change that to something really positive and fun can happen if they can swim..?

And thanks for the cycling instructor link - I'm going to contact one in my area!

As others have asked did they not have swimming lessons at school?

To encourage them into water could you go swimming with friends so they could play with floats etc in the pool to get more water confident so they might then be open to lessons. If you can have lessons I would recommend individual ones or one coach for both of them. I found group lessons when DS was learning to swim a waste of money as there was so much hanging around. Some of the swimming instructors here get in the water with the children too, which might help. We stopped lessons once DS could swim competently. He now just swims for fun and certainly wouldn't win any competitions.

In respect of riding a bike we outsourced teaching DS. He couldn't ride a bike until he was about 8. We had tried to teach him but failed, he struggled with balance and could only pedal backwards

A mother at school was a cycling coach so gave DS a few lessons one half term. He still couldn't ride properly at the end of those lessons but she had helped build up his confidence and gave him different techniques. He spent the rest of the holiday practising and by the end of the week he had got it. He even took part in a cyclo cross event for school later that year. Something we never thought he would do.

The thing that spurred him on was getting his cycling badge at Cubs and thought of taking part in bikeability at school. We bought him a good second hand bike (his previous bike he had outgrown when he was 5) and assumed we could sell it on if he didn't learn to ride it.

I'd tell them they wouldn't be going on any school trips where being near water was involved until they started lessons. Swimming IMO is a skill that should be taught to every child, it's as important as crossing the road.
As for the cycling, that's utterly crazy. They'll soon feel very left out when the other kids in their friendship group are all meeting up in their early teens, getting their first taste of independence off on their bikes.

I feel your pain. Luckily with the swimming dds secondary school has a pool and she is learning there - I did take them for lessons for 2 years so they can swim they just aren't strong swimmers. Ds is autistic and stubborn as a bloody mule so refuses to go now. We go sometimes to a local pool when they have a big inflatable out. Ds can swim ok though and again will learn more when he starts secondary next year.

With the cycling I just took them out several times and just made them do it. It was a frustrating experience but they got there in the end. Even ds who is dyspraxic as well as autistic so his motor skills are pretty poor.

Bike - personally I wouldn't sweat it, if they want to learn later in life they can, but plenty of adults never ride a bike.

Swimming - if you can afford it, at that age I'd probably go for a combination of one-to-one lessons and straight bribery. So eg if you take part in 6 one to one lessons and work hard in those lessons you get a trip to the theme park, or something like that.

I wouldn't say 'when you can swim a width', as they may not be able to imagine actually achieving that but simply make it conditional on active participation in the lessons.

I don't generally like bribery, but I think if it is something your dc finds really hard and unpleasant, but which is really important that they learn, it can often be the least-worst answer.

We did it with handwriting practice when dd was in yr 4 or 5 - completing the practice given every single day earnt a weekly riding lesson, by the end of the term her writing had come on spectacularly. (Same issue I suspect - peers had all 'got' it, so she just didn't even want to try because she could see how far behind she was. It's still bad, but functional bad!)

My dc are younger but the things that worked for us with swimming were:

1. Changing from their group swimming to 1:1 swimming with an instructor who they like and is fun.
2. Bribing them with a magazine on the way home if they went to their lesson and tried to do what they were asked.

I now await the harsh mn judgment if my parenting skills!

I took ages to learn to ride a bike because it had developed into such a theatre between my parents and I - we were all so stressed. My cousin eventually taught me in one morning took me to the top of a hill and pushed me down.

I would focus on finding a way to get them swimming as it could save their lives. I really think there should be cheap lessons from babyhood then school time lessons too as it's such an important skill. None of mind could swim until nine years old which was the age I learnt, even with regular trips to the pool and lessons in school. One had two years of lessons and still couldn't do much then one term at a new school he was swimming. Now all are like fishes though DD refuses to go now.

Bike riding, less important and I wouldn't push it if they aren't interested though it's a fun way to keep fit if they did enjoy it once it's mastered.

Have you considered possibilities such as Dyspraxia? How is their coordination generally? Balance? Spatial sense?

Thanks all. And thanks for the cycling instructor link, I didn't know you could get someone to teach them, I think part of the issue is me and DP get frustrated when trying to teach them which clearly doesn't help.

DC1 has just finished primary school ams had five one hour lessons in his whole time there and they didn't make any difference to his ability to swim. Not sure if they have them at secondary school. I learnt to swim at school but it doesn't seem as though they do it as much now.

Those who say force them to do it, how?? In the last few weeks of them having lessons they refused to get in the water but I took them anyway. I offered rewards if they went in, to no avail. They like the water and we often go to play swimming sessions with inflatables and slides and they love that. But I can't work out how I would force them to get into the water to a lesson.

OP, you say 'but they don't want to' when it comes to taking lessons or having one to one. Tell them they have to! They aren't old enough to tell you what's happening!

With regards cycling and stabilisers what kind of bike do they have? Our 6 year old is now stabiliser free because we got him a very lightweight bike which has made it easier for him as he's slightly hyper mobile and not very strong.

You need to push these skills.

My 11 year old learnt how to ride a bike last month.
We tried for years to teach him but he just couldn't do it.
Last month his friends taught him how to ride a bike,he was covered in bruises but he had the biggest smile on his face.
We bought him a bike and now he is always out on his bike.