DCs (age 8 and 10) can't swim or ride bikes

[iwouldgoouttonight]

It's more of a what would you do really. I feel like such a failure as a parent. If one child couldn't swim or ride a bike I might think that was their personality and they weren't a very physical person but as it's both of them I guess it's our fault.

They went to swimming lessons for about a year when they were younger (about 4 and 6) and they didn't enjoy it but I kept encouraging them to go. But by the end although DC1 had moved up a group they still both hated it, to the stage where they'd have only got in the water if I'd physically picked them up and put them in screaming and crying (which I wasn't going to do).

DP can't swim so I thought I'd take them swimming each week and teach them myself. They enjoy being in the water and DC1 has got to the stage where he can 'swim' under water and is very confident but can't do an actual stroke and can't lift his head out to breathe without putting his feet on the floor. DC2 can't put her face in the water despite lots of encouragement. She's done it once, hated it, refuses to do it again.

Similar with bikes, they both had bikes, we tried with stabilisers, tried with taking the pedals off and going down a slight slope to get them balancing. But every time they'd get upset, say they don't want to do it and everyone would get stressed. We tried one to one and also with them both trying together. They've now both outgrown the bikes they had so they don't have bikes and it doesn't seem worth buying another one for it to sit in the shed with them refusing to ride it.

DP and I both cycle to work so they're see cycling as a normal every day activity but they just don't want to learn. DC1 had bikability at school and he refused to take part there too.

I'm not as bothered about the cycling but I would like them to learn to swim but I have no idea how to go about it. I thought one to one lessons might help but they don't want to go.

They're really well behaved and as enthusiastic about other things, and will try new things. Eg DC1 went on a school trip to an outdoor pursuits centre and tried abseiling, kayaking, etc. and enjoyed it.

Any ideas?? Saying 'learning to swim is non-negotiable in our house', as some RL friends have said, isn't helpful, we know it's important, but you can't physically force a child to do it.

The swimming for me would be a big problem but I live abroad where lots of people have pools and all my kids have been able to swim by 3...yes there were times when they didn't want to go in the pool but I insisted. They all love swimming now...and would miss out so much if they couldn't swim...

Can you not put them in 1-1 beginner lessons? Not sure of cost..the older they get not being able to swim, the more difficult it will become...school galas etc...?

Re: riding a bike - My DS rode a bike very early (on his 3rd birthday) but dd1 still doesn't and she's 5 - I think my youngest will be before her so maybe they're just not interested...but I would imagine they'll miss out too when their friends start going on bike rides etc..and they can't join in...

iwouldgoouttonight (but I haven't got a stitch to wear)

Sounds like you have a plan, one step at a time

Ok, bit of a random idea - could you buy a tandem?!

Take it away from where you live (is there a beauty spot /forests not too far)

Bribe children to take turns to cycle with you/DP.

It's a bit weird, but may just be the creative fun they need to get over any reluctance.
You're not a failure,. And I experienced huge frustration trying to teach my son to cycle. We got there in the end but it was a battle.

I mean this in the nicest way possible but do you think that you are so keen for them to learn and get so frustrated trying to teach them or insist that they learn that they feel too pressured and anxious to do it? I was all set to ask about things such as dyspraxia or general fears about trying new things or even fear of water but guessing it's not these as your DC went kayaking and abseiling!

Maybe try backing off for a year or so till it becomes less of an issue and they are old enough to learn form someone else without you there.

I think going on holiday somewhere with a swimming pool and taking them every day would be worthwhile, if not book swimming lessons and take them every week. They are old enough to get in and do as they are told, any mucking about (crying or not getting in) would be punished!! I am mean though I think swimming is so important, the thought of dd not being able to swim scares the shit out of me.

Likewise with riding a bike, i would get them bikes, take them out for the day and say 'we will not be going home until you have made some progress on learning to ride them.'

Tough love.

If I force them to get into the water crying surely that's just going to take away any enjoyment they got from swimming.

You are mistaking forcing and it being non negotiable.

No one should be making your son get in. But with the right positive encouragement, persistence and a non negotiable stance tgat swimming lessons will continue each and every week until Child has learnt to swim...they will get there.

Not just get there. Having overcome their fear, embrassament and face a difficult challenge head-on... And succeeded. He long term boost to their confidence will be massive in many different aspects of life.

Sometimes things are hard, but keep trying and we do them anyway.

Sometimes things are scary, but we are brave and do them anyway.

It being scary and hard should never be a barrier to learning. Not appreciating this is the biggest disservice you are doing with your kids op.

My DS is now 15 and neither swims competently nor rides a bike. He is diagnosed with Asperger's and has associated sensory processing issues, so that is a factor, but not all.

He was slowly and hesitantly getting the hang of riding a bike, until his father - my ex husband - did as many here have advised and forced him to ride a bike with no stabilisers. That was 8 years ago now, and my son has not been on a bike since, has no desire ever to go back on a bike, and does not miss being able to cycle. Forcing a child to do something they do not want to do, for whatever reason, is not only counter-productive but to my mind, abusive.

My son always loved being in the water - whether that was in the bath or in a swimming pool. I spent a fortune on swimming lessons - groups lessons, and one to one lessons. He had great fun, but he didn't learn to swim. Like the OP's DS1, my son firmly believed he could swim. He would do "tricks" under the water, but could not swim.

We don't go swimming very often, but I would say that he can now swim the width of a pool without having to put his feet down. I always have to be in the pool with him, and close enough to rescue him if need be.

What I would say is that a child who thinks he can swim is at an increased risk of drowning because of that misplaced confidence - so you need to get across the message that he must never go into water without you or another responsible person. Otherwise, people who can't swim tend to avoid going into water, and are actually at a pretty low risk of drowning.

My son, instead of having bikes when he was younger, had scooters instead. Now he walks places, or gets trains or buses.

It's not the end of the world if your children can't swim or rides bikes. I think the parent who listens to, and respects their children's choices is a better parent than the one who forces children to do what they prefer not to, or cannot do.

I'm watching this thread with interest as I am a swimming refuser (she will go on a bike but only with stabilisers on)

I'm laughing out loud at the suggestion of just telling her it's important, dropping her off and popping to the cafe. Firstly getting someone into a swimming costume and hat who doesn't want to is bloody hard. Certainly I can't do that in a public changing room without thinking that I am going to get reported to SS (I wouldn't ever hurt her, just to be clear, but we would need to wrestle a bit to make it happen). She will scream - and screaming really really echoes in a swimming pool. Most people would ask us to leave, either directly or by casting dirty looks our way. And if I just turned and left, I would be violating a huge area of trust with her (she is adopted and has attachment issues, one of which is that she is terrified that one day I will leave her)

I don't know what to do, because being able to swim is such an important safety thing

Going on holiday to Center Parcs certainly boosted DS's confidence in respect of swimming, when he was younger and just learning, so still had bouyancy aid and noodle.
Also a few years later, he was so excited to be able to take his bike there once he learnt to ride it.

So maybe planning a holiday like that might be an incentive for them to have lessons first, especially as there are some bits in the pool you can only go on if you can swim without floats etc.

Don't worry about not riding a bike. I can honestly say that not cycling has never held me back in any way whatsoever.

Swimming is worth learning if you can keep going. Find a kind instructor for some individual lessons and be realistic about what can be achieved. Being able to float, swim a few strokes and not being afraid of putting your face underwater is enough to aim for. My DCs were exactly the same as yours and no amount of bribery worked. The only thing that helped them learn was a few lessons with a nice, gentle instructor who encouraged them with lots of praise and didn't shout at them if they got something wrong.

Seeing - my post crossed with yours, but it has already made me feel a bit better, thanks

I'd insist on the swimming even if it meant losing all screen time until they agree to it but I'd also stick a bribe on the end. When they can do a few lengths maybe a weekend break to centre parcs where they can now use the water slides? I'd separate them for lessons and pay for 1:1 with a very gentle enthusiastic teacher who will go as slow as they want to go. It needs to be fun and not forced. It's not safe to not be able to swim.

As for the cycling get an old bike off eBay and remove the pedals/crank etc. They need to learn to balance. Have them start by just scooting around and try to glide for longer and longer periods. You're basically going to make a giant balance bike. They might enjoy it - if they don't I'd leave it.

Maybe I have the most stubborn DC on earth, but bribing or coercing mine would be incredibly counterproductive and end in a standoff. I don't know if that's personality or connected to the fact that they do all have Dyspraxia and/or other SpLDs (in the sense that being made to do things you really can't easily do WILL produce upset).

I find feigning studied indifference and tempting them in without pressure often works.

Just picking up on the life skills debate

My view is that if somebody can't ride a bike they are not likely to get on one but lots of children who cannot swim will still get into a pool, fine when supervised but obviously becomes a problem when they're teenagers and want to go off on their own.
As an adult you can rationalise that you can't swim so don't go in the water but a teenager/younger child won't have this same rationale and may think 'oh it's ok because I'll just stay in the shallow water'

I agree with the divide and conquer idea. The 8 year old is going to be a lot easier to deal with as you can be clear about your goals. They HAVE to learn to swim. If they refuse you will do X (take away tablet) if they attend 5 lessons without getting upset you'll give them Y etc etc. Then as other MNers have said, deal with the younger one later and hopefully they will be inspired by the older one.

@OlennasWimple

People say the same about fussy eaters; "MAKE them eat it all", "TELL them they must". Err yes good luck with that when your child literally sobs and chokes and gags if fed the wrong texture.

alltouchedout

No I live about half our drive from nearest beach so it's not a need in that sense I just consider it part of parenting. I can't imagine my kids not being able to swim as it would affect us loads in terms of school parties, holidays, school trips.

We holiday in beach resorts and I couldn't relax if they couldn't swim. There's no way I'd have let mind do outdoor scho trips without. Even parties as they get older are at waterparks or pools. I couldn't send my non swimming kid to one of those.

They'd obviously get by if they could swim but we'd have to avoid and sacrifice so much.

There are so many drowning lately too- we've had two in our town in the last year on holidays and you can't help but judge if the kids haven't been taught to swim to a good level.

For me it's as important as reading or maths.

Book a holiday somewhere where there is a pool, safe places to cycle, no other way to get anywhere, no wifi and nothing else to do. Campsite should do it, with hired kids bikes and cycle paths. You take your bikes and they can either ride or walk. Similarly, if they are in a pool with lots of other kids splashing around their swimming will come on/ water fear will go. You can then instigate lessons on the basis that you get to choose not to go once you can swim 100m competently.

My kids don't enjoy swimming lessons but every time they argue but I tell them until we stop living on an island they are going.
Tough luck.
Cycling is more difficult because kids can't really ride freely any more. It's a shame really.

Maybe for when you go on holiday then? The fab snorkel?

I didn't learn to swim till I was 21 as I fell in a fish pond when I was small and had a big fear of water.
I think you might be safer if you can't swim as you don't put yourself in any danger - and there a plenty of drowning incidents where people could swim.

Perhaps just take all the pressure off and not worry about it at all? There are plenty more other things to do in life.

Cycling is really just a question of practice and wanting to do it. Mine taught themselves- ds not until 11when he decided it was actually useful as his friends were inviting him for bike rides. Swimming I would be more proactive- bribe if necessary!

Tricky if they are not interested or fearful! My 9yr old twins dds had no lessons for either as it was either money or time for us - feel bad saying that! They took it upon themselves to learn to ride a bike in the garden, just kept practising and practising, very little input from us.
Swimming has just been us taking them and encouraging whilst in the pool. When we go on holiday for two weeks we found this has been the best time for them learn as you get so much time to build confidence and make it fun. So no formal lessons for either, they have kind of found their own way, to their credit, with a bit of gentle encouragement from us. Perhaps if you use tactical praise, casual mentioning g of how xyz looks fun or someone who cycles/swims well in their earshot it may plant a seed?
Good luck op.

Olennas I made the suggestion about dropping the dc off for the lessons as I've seen people do this in the centre my eldest learnt at and it's worked for those few children, it seemed that peer pressure worked for them but obviously all children are different and what works for one won't for the other.
Hope you find a way to get your dd in and learning though

Just to add I've had issues with my four year old son and swimming. There is no problem with confidence but he will not concentrate and doesn't take instruction 🙄 I did have him doing 1-2-1 lessons at a very large expense to us but they gave up on him as he wouldn't listen and wouldn't kick his legs. I was going to take him out for a year but decided instead to take him to group lessons. This has worked very well. He still doesn't listen and still doesn't kick his legs but it's really cheap, it's well run and he loves it.

So we are going to persevere, I'm upping the anti and trying to encourage him with a big bribe and we'll see what happens after next term. I think as long as he is happy, in a routine and somewhat participating he will eventually get it 🤣

Can their friends swim? Would the idea of missing out on fun trips to the pool with their mates motivate them? Could you do something like offer a swimming party if they achieve a certain amount (10m badge, for instance)?

On bike riding - again, can you make it something that leads to fun? Like going on bike rides to somewhere they want to be? What's the terrain like where you are - is there a nice, flat place you could go for short rides?

It sounds like this might have become a point of conflict for you and they're digging their heels in as a result - if you could make it so that achieving these skills are seen as a positive, fun thing, that might help (rather than a negative thing, such as with dire warnings about drowning and things!).