DCs (age 8 and 10) can't swim or ride bikes

[iwouldgoouttonight]

It's more of a what would you do really. I feel like such a failure as a parent. If one child couldn't swim or ride a bike I might think that was their personality and they weren't a very physical person but as it's both of them I guess it's our fault.

They went to swimming lessons for about a year when they were younger (about 4 and 6) and they didn't enjoy it but I kept encouraging them to go. But by the end although DC1 had moved up a group they still both hated it, to the stage where they'd have only got in the water if I'd physically picked them up and put them in screaming and crying (which I wasn't going to do).

DP can't swim so I thought I'd take them swimming each week and teach them myself. They enjoy being in the water and DC1 has got to the stage where he can 'swim' under water and is very confident but can't do an actual stroke and can't lift his head out to breathe without putting his feet on the floor. DC2 can't put her face in the water despite lots of encouragement. She's done it once, hated it, refuses to do it again.

Similar with bikes, they both had bikes, we tried with stabilisers, tried with taking the pedals off and going down a slight slope to get them balancing. But every time they'd get upset, say they don't want to do it and everyone would get stressed. We tried one to one and also with them both trying together. They've now both outgrown the bikes they had so they don't have bikes and it doesn't seem worth buying another one for it to sit in the shed with them refusing to ride it.

DP and I both cycle to work so they're see cycling as a normal every day activity but they just don't want to learn. DC1 had bikability at school and he refused to take part there too.

I'm not as bothered about the cycling but I would like them to learn to swim but I have no idea how to go about it. I thought one to one lessons might help but they don't want to go.

They're really well behaved and as enthusiastic about other things, and will try new things. Eg DC1 went on a school trip to an outdoor pursuits centre and tried abseiling, kayaking, etc. and enjoyed it.

Any ideas?? Saying 'learning to swim is non-negotiable in our house', as some RL friends have said, isn't helpful, we know it's important, but you can't physically force a child to do it.

dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-children/symptoms/

Dyspraxia is different in every child and their are different degrees along a spectrum.

The point blank refusing at this age sounds odd to me.

I would ask to speak to the teacher in advance and spell out to them how scared he is and how you've tried before. Forewarning is a big thing in preparing the teacher for what they will face and having strategies to help him. Swim teachers will have seen this before and be able to cope. If the pool knows in advance, they may put a particular teacher who is especially good at dealing with scared children. Having a good, positive start will make a real difference, but can only happen if they are fully aware of the situation.

And yes the £££ are galling, but try not to think about that. See it as a non negotiable task yourself and has to happen until the goal has been achieved.

You mention your DC perhaps lacks resilience in other areas too. Is descending into wailing over doing things they don't want to a common occurrence in other areas too?

I have to add that, like Maddie, my one DD also hated water on her face (autism). It took a lot of time and patience, but now she's fine with water. She still won't swim underwater, but she does swim .

Now just have the trauma of getting him there.

As a boy and it being summer, this is easier. Have him put his swimwear on at home. Add a t-shirt and shoes. Pack pants and dry shorts in the swimming bag. Getting changed involves only taking off t-shirt and shoes.

Arrive without much time to spare. If it's a 5pm start, aim at arriving at literally 4.47pm. No procrasinating and worrying then. Arrive, immediately into changing room, t-shirt and shoes off, immediately onto poolside, immediately starting lesson. No thinking time between any stage... rush rush rush.

Look into local swimming clubs. Our swimming club is half the price of leisure centre lessons. And while clubs won't advertise 121 lessons, if they see a child struggling and have enough poolside helpers, often a struggling swimmer will get a 14 year old squad swimmer in with them, plus a poolside instructor.

I think they are of an age where they won't do it unless they want to and that it is too late now. Mine were both competent but not natural swimmers by age 7.

I took both swimming from about three. It took ds at least six months before he would let go of me and it took dd a year before she woulx get off the side. It requires a lot of gentle sustained effort and then lessons for three to four years. DD had some one to one lessons too.

They both learnt to ride a bike, dd more easily than ds. But we don't cycle and once the bikes were too big for the car that was that and I didn't encourage further because we lived in London.

I don't think It's that big a deal unless you plan on keeping a boat.

I do think the following life skills are essential in the 21st century.

Being kind
Arithmetic
Reading
Bit of coding
Social media savvy
Good communication
Agreeableness
Budgeting and financial management
Good work ethic
TIME management
Driving
Map reading
Cooking
Resilience

Throwing, catching, cycling swimming, singing, dancing, playing an instrument - that's all stuff that only matters at school. Out in the real world not so much.

Your 10 and 8 year olds cry and scream about getting in the water?

If so, I think you have bigger issues other than them learning to swim tbh. Either they have a fear of water that needs dealt with, or they need to learn to behave age appropriately.

you've tried op
i can't see what all the fuss is about tbh
loads of people go through life not being able to swim - my dgf was in the navy and travelled all over the world.my dps have a pool and my dm can't swim a stroke!

let it go - they can learn themselves when older.if they want to.

I would 'force them' to swim.
But not in a taking them ohysically in the water.
More in a 'WE are going to the swimming pool today'. Find one that is really for play rather than swimming and spend time splashing around.
Gently flick water at your youngest, make them used to have water in their face. Then progress with games to go and pick a tubat the bottom, go on a slide with you etc etc.
Fun fun fun every week so that they start enjoying the water rather than dreading it.
A week in the sun in the beach works quite well for that too (expensive I know).
But the idea is to make swimming a fun idea before starting lessons again. And for them to be used to the idea of being at the pool once a week.
Lessons only on a 1-1 basis with an instructor used to deal with children who just aren't keen.

But then I am also totally convinced that knowing how to swim is a life saving skill and I would not let any of my dcs not learn (one really enjoyed swimming and then took it more competitively, the other really didn't like it but still have to learn until he was confident enough I didn't feel I had to look for him all the time iyswim)

I taught myself to ride a bike without stabilisers at 12 because I was tired of being the only kid who couldn't.

Likewise swimming, at 18. But it probably does help to do it earlier (I am still not at all confident at swimming or cycling).

I got this link last year from a MNer which looks like good, bite sized steps for increasing water confidence. www.enjoy-swimming.com/overcoming-fear-of-water-1.html

Btw the idea that because you've tried once and you didn't like it then you will hate it forever and will never try again is, for me, showing a great lack of resilience.
Trying once should never be the end of it. Whether it's food, swimming, a math exercise, riding a bike.

This is not something that any dcs have ever been 'allowed' to say.

Trying once and saying you don't like it, yes.
Refusing to try again, no
Having tried several times and really not liking it, yes iyswim

For those saying cycling is less - being able to ride a bike is saving us £££s at the moment. I do almost all short journeys (which are the majority of my trips) by bike, saving on petrol, parking fees and wear and tear. We can't walk most of them because it takes too long and isn't safe (no pavements round us) but as a general rule of thumb, anything under 5 miles I do by bike. ''Tis a useful skill for me, that's for sure!

is useless that should read... autocorrect 🙄

Out of curiosity - how many people here on this thread have fallen into water at some point in their life and would have drowned if they hadn't been able to swim?

There are a lot of GOOD swimmers who drowned because they thought < like lot of you> that they were safe in water anywhere.

THEY ARE NOT, if the current is strong in the sea it can overcome. the strongest swimmer. And stupidity or drunkeness causes swimmers to drown too. As a pp has pointed out. As rizlett says *There are plenty of drowning incidents where the people could swim.

I would suggest though that you take your children to a heated salt water pool.That's where our ds learned to swim. It was a lovely, no chlorine pool.
You are certainly not a failure and good for you for respecting your children's feelings ,not bribing or forcing them into the water.

WaxOnFeckOff no they don't cry and scream about getting in the water now, they did when they had lessons when they were younger. Since then I've been taking them swimming for fun which they enjoy but I've not succeeded in actually teaching them to swim.

OhTheRoses im reassured that they can do most of things on that list (apart from driving and time management, and probably resilience )

DC1 has bladder/bowel issues which means he still wets himself sometimes and that has affected his confidence, although I don't think it has physically affected his ability to learn to swim/cycle. He can do other sports.

Ontheroses
You hsve missed out keeping fit, which benefits psycholigically as well as physicallt and makes all your other skills easier. Nothing like a morning swim to set you up for a day.
I dont drive (have passed my test but hate it)swimming has kept me sane through stressful times)

In fact the lifeguards say that a none swimmer in an upturned boat is safer than an overconfident swimmer because they hang onto the boat and is rescued and the swimmer strikes out for the beach or coast and often is drowned.

Those who have mentioned dyspraxia, I've looked at the possible symptoms and DC1 has possibly 20% of them, eg slow in completing school work, he was slow to learn to sit/walk, has difficulty tying laces. But hardly any of the others.

seeing

Isn't it a bit dim to be in a situation where you could fall in water if you can't swim.
I'm over 50 don't swim and don't go near water except my bath and the sea for a paddle and sit. You have to go a long way out to be out of your depth or be carried off to sea.
Same with our dc, they don't swim neither, they just keep away from water too.
Dh can swim, he chooses not to and stays away from water as he doesn't like swimming.

I think they have to want to do these things. Sorry I haven't read the full thread but we were in a similar position about a year and a half ago, had tried cycling lessons, swimming lessons for several terms twice but no luck - I felt a failure too but its just one of those things I guess. DS then went on some school trips where friends were all swimming around year 6 which made him want to swim and at this point we started lessons again which were more successful, dd also started swimming lessons at school (year 4) and again this motivated her and she improved a lot too. At the same time we started going to center parcs (I realise this isn't an option for everyone but cheaper than a holiday abroad) and hired bikes just for them and they wanted to cycle so practiced and after a couple of trips and some practice at home occasionally they got the hang of it .

Broken record technique. Matter of factly - said without too much emotion, repeated as and when necessary. Don't let the frustration or panic show in your voice. When they realise you are serious there won't be any point resisting. DS1 first.

"We'll leave the cycling but learning to swim could save your life in the future, so i'm going to be a good parent and force you to have lessons. When you've done x many then you can have xxx. I'm being cruel to be kind so if you don't go along with this then there will be x consequences. I'm doing this because I love you, not because I want to see you miserable. I know it's hard but we need to persevere at hard things then it will feel so great when you eventually get the hang of it. Don't give up and you'll get there in the end."

i was going to ask that seeingadistance :)

being able to swim is pretty much irrelevant i would think

Haven't read this whole thing so this may be a non starter as a suggestion but in case not:

I never had swimming lessons but learnt to swim when I was about 9 on a summer holiday when we stayed at a hotel with a swimming pool. It was hot - just spent a lot of time splashing about in the pool with other kids but a nice relative got me swimming with the help of armbands and rubber rings. Would this be an option?

I was told as a parent your work is done when DC can swim, ride a bike and drive a car (and when all three complete it's time to leave home!)!

Having said that youngest DS did not take to swimming lessons - and the swimming coach told us for the first time in 20 years to leave it a few years! We did and now he loves water and can swim (he is 20 now -he can even ride a bike - but not drive a car!).

As others have said can you try 1-1 lessons?

I have a 11 and a 13 year old, neither can ride a bike or swim but they do have dyspraxia which makes it tricky. Dc2 loves water, bodyboards, kayaks etc.. but can't master swimming, she had a few private lessons but was getting nowhere, dc1 is petrified of water.