DCs (age 8 and 10) can't swim or ride bikes

[iwouldgoouttonight]

It's more of a what would you do really. I feel like such a failure as a parent. If one child couldn't swim or ride a bike I might think that was their personality and they weren't a very physical person but as it's both of them I guess it's our fault.

They went to swimming lessons for about a year when they were younger (about 4 and 6) and they didn't enjoy it but I kept encouraging them to go. But by the end although DC1 had moved up a group they still both hated it, to the stage where they'd have only got in the water if I'd physically picked them up and put them in screaming and crying (which I wasn't going to do).

DP can't swim so I thought I'd take them swimming each week and teach them myself. They enjoy being in the water and DC1 has got to the stage where he can 'swim' under water and is very confident but can't do an actual stroke and can't lift his head out to breathe without putting his feet on the floor. DC2 can't put her face in the water despite lots of encouragement. She's done it once, hated it, refuses to do it again.

Similar with bikes, they both had bikes, we tried with stabilisers, tried with taking the pedals off and going down a slight slope to get them balancing. But every time they'd get upset, say they don't want to do it and everyone would get stressed. We tried one to one and also with them both trying together. They've now both outgrown the bikes they had so they don't have bikes and it doesn't seem worth buying another one for it to sit in the shed with them refusing to ride it.

DP and I both cycle to work so they're see cycling as a normal every day activity but they just don't want to learn. DC1 had bikability at school and he refused to take part there too.

I'm not as bothered about the cycling but I would like them to learn to swim but I have no idea how to go about it. I thought one to one lessons might help but they don't want to go.

They're really well behaved and as enthusiastic about other things, and will try new things. Eg DC1 went on a school trip to an outdoor pursuits centre and tried abseiling, kayaking, etc. and enjoyed it.

Any ideas?? Saying 'learning to swim is non-negotiable in our house', as some RL friends have said, isn't helpful, we know it's important, but you can't physically force a child to do it.

I am ashamed to say my younger two didn't learn to cycle until they were 11 and 12. We just kind of forgot about it tbh. Then age 12 DD was heading off on a school trip where cycling was part of the activities. So we bought bikes and taught them in a week or so. Both were motivated to learn. I didn't learn myself until I was 8 (my cousins taught me).

I would prioritise the swimming to be honest. I genuinely believe it is an essential skill. 1:1 lessons every day in a row would have them swimming in a week imo. My kids had lessons from toddler but they each really cracked when they had daily (group) lessons in summer camp about age 6. Go to your local swimming pool and ask for a really sympathetic, nice teacher - a teen from the swim team might be someone they would love to interact with - and see if you can get daily 1:1 lessons for a week. Then bribe them to do it.

Forget the cycling but swimming is a life skill that is so so important. Sign up for lessons and treat it like any other skill that they have to learn, feeding them self, potty training etc. Just keep at it. Practice in the bath where it's nice and warm putting face under the water, go as often as you can and play games. If you feel your anxiety about them playing up could rub off get someone else to take them. Don't approach it as a hobby

If you take them for a one hour swim every single weekend then they will improve. This is your easy win and may save them if they fall in a canal.

When & where I grew up, nobody had swimming googles. Ever.
I never put my face in the water.
I got to 25yo with a good doggy paddle & never face in water.
Somebody persuaded me to try goggles.
Revelation.
I now swim a good front crawl (self-taught).

Sorry, I don't see a path for you to improve the cycling. They will learn that if they want to.

DC1 could possibly doggy paddle a couple of metres to the edge and often treads water and messes about loads under water.

see, I would call that swimming pretty much, others may disagree tho!

It sounds like DC1 may be has sensory issues which makes putting face in water etc harder. Things will be much harder for kids with various non-NT issues. DD has autism and either anxiety or some mobility issues connected to that made these things happen much later to her. DS has plenty of sensory issues which makes it much harder for him too. It's kind of cheesy but I really like the phrase 'stage, not age'. Basically if they are improving in themselves it doesn't really matter if they are behind their peers.

Havent RTFT but just popping in to say, Sustrans are a brilliant organisation. My dyspraxic DD was v resistant and anxious about learning to ride. 2 sessions with them and tons of practice later she's a keen cyclist. Good luck

You are not alone OP.

Both DCs learnt to cycle age 9. DC1 learnt from DH and I spending over a year regularly running down the pavement holding onto them and finally it clicked. DC2 refused to get on a bike for two years as too embarrassed by stabilisers but when had tried a couple of times without had failed. Eventually got desperate to learn as embarrassed he couldn't and we found a park about 10 miles away (so wouldn't see anyone he knew) based around an old airfield so lots of long wide concrete tracks to ride on and he did it in an hour (though involved lots of tears if frustration, a standoff and ice cream bribery).

Neither can swim well (DC1 could probably just about swim a length if had to but lacks confidence, DC2 has a bit more confidence but not great technique.) Took them swimming weekly from a few months old until started school and they progressed well when tiny so didn't bother with lessons then and by time school age they were old enough to refuse (agree you can get them there at a push but can't force them to get changed or get in pool and any attempt would have become a battle) and since go maybe monthly as family - and more if on holiday. Both had a term of lessons in primary school and DC1 now had a term in secondary. Helped but still not good swimmers. I thought by this age (12 and 10) embarrassment would solve it but not so far! So would love to know how you get on!

Thinking about it, I think DC1 has more issues physically and is so stubborn. It's taken a good few years to get him to have a hair cut without getting upset. DC2 is probably a lot more likely to respond well to someone else teaching her and she respects people in authority.

They're not horrors, I know I've let them down by not forcing them into the water each week and continued lessons, but apart from physical things they are well behaved. DC2's school report said she was immaculately behaved at school.

That sounds like textbook SENSORY issues. It's not bad behaviour and I think if you'd forced them into the pool, you'd have a full blown phobia on your hands.

As a child, I hated the getting into the water,. My mother used to try to lower me into the pool, and feeling it rise over my chest terrified me.and I would want to come out. When we were able to go to a bath which had solid steps to walk down into the water, I felt more in control and that gave me confidence.So long as I was able to enter the water that way, I was OK. I then learned to swim reasonably well, though still only the breast stroke, and was happy afterwards to jump in off the side or a low board. Perhaps your children need a gentler approach, where they feel they have control over what is happening to them. I was about 9 or 10 before I felt happy in a swimming pool, so don't give up!

Not RTFT. But I'd certainly try and make the swimming a compromise and say if you like Kayaking/going paddling at the beach with friends/going on water slides/going to look at the fish/any other activity that even remotely involves water. You have to be able to swim 25 meters all by yourself.

Offset the things they want to do against the things they don't. And encourage DP to be at least proficient in water, so he could swim a short distance if necessary.

As for cycling, my sister wouldn't ride a bike until she was 17. Goodness knows why?

I've done some reading. I feel evil. Be gentle with your babies.
Our local special needs school, opens their pool to the public and holds lessons on Saturday and Sunday mornings for children and has special sessions for those on the autistic spectrum, or with sensory processing disorders - you may have similar facilities xxx

My youngest dd hasn't managed to learn to swim or cycle yet she is 6 (I had 2 older ones sim ages to yours who couldn't swim or cycle but learned when they were ready). Her swimming teacher tried for a year with dd2 in stage 1 and gave up and asked for her to leave the class- dd2 actually made more progress when her teacher was on hol and she had a lovely substitute so the teacher is key. We have stopped lessons for a break now but I have noticed that although dd2 hates putting her head in water, jumping in to pools, washing hair, showers etc, she will happily get wet on her own terms in fun pools, running around in shallow water with slides and sprinklers - so strategy for now si to let her have fun for a while with no goals then try again.

Neither of my DC swim and this is because they are both allergic to chlorine. DD2 would like to, but has no confidence. DD1 is not fussed either way, but feels it when her DD is taken swimming by someone else. However, unless my DC get a change of skin, there's nothing that can be done.

As for the bikes - I have a terrible sense of balance and was 9 before I managed a bike without stabilisers and it was embarrassing when my friends could all ride and I couldn't. Once I got the hang of it, there was no stopping me. Persevere with the bikes?

Motivation is key to learning. I really really wanted DD to stick with a musical instrument, but she just wouldn't. Trying to get her to practise her piano was just torture and in the end I gave up.

Anyway, your DC aren't motivated to learn, and I think it will be near-impossible to force them to learn if they don't want to. The only thing that is likely to change this is peer pressure. At some point all their friends will be swimming and/or riding bikes, and they'll feel left out and want to learn. Though I'm surprised that that hasn't happened yet.

Aside from waiting for them to decide they want to do it, the only other thing I can think of is a massive bribe.

Do you/ they realise if you put goggles on and lie face down on/in the water you actually float. So forgetting arm movements you can push off from the side and bob on the surface. And do it within your depth so can put your feet down when you want. Just something I learned as an adult- had assumed you would sink down if you couldn't swim.

There's quite a bit of circular logic in some of these posts. For the record, I can both swim and ride a bike - but, as I don't enjoy either, I can't remember the last time I did so! The same applies here - if the OP has kids who don't want to be in water or out on bikes, then that's absolutely fine. Most kids do like these things, sure. But not all do.

There is a 'but' here, though, which is that - precisely because it's assumed that "that's what kids like" - these are activities which will crop up, both in a school and a wider social context. So there will be points at which they can't join in things in which they are expected to participate (think school residential trips, parties etc). And that can be a problem for children. My older DD doesn't like swimming. I have a lot of sympathy for that, as I don't myself. But I've got her to some swimming lessons - and because she's improved, she now finds it less of a grind when she has to go at school. So - I think it is worth pushing these things to a "minimum competence" level as they are things they may need to do at some point. But their not liking them is entirely fair enough - we are all different.

I agree that being motivated is good and to be encouraged, but there are some things we have to do and learn to do regardless of motivation.

We wouldn't give up on potty training because a child didn't want to do it. We would wait a while and try again and beyond a point, insist. Likewise if a child didn't want to go to school, we would insist. So I do think there is a definite role in the swimming thing for parental determination and parents the,selves seeing it as non negotiable.

I never enjoyed taking the kids to swimming lessons and sitting in that hot damp environment with my eyes burning from chlorine. They were loads of things I'd have rather done and often the kids whined when it was cold in winter, but it never really occurred to me not to go because swimming was one of those things that had to happen. Therefore it simply had to be scheduled in, like going to school. There aren't many things in the 'must do' category. I wouldn't actually put cycling there, but I think swimming is.

I don't know about OPS situation, but sometimes I think parents are a bit afraid to push their children or face confrontation over things they make a fuss about. It is often easier to just not bother. And that might be fine with lots of things, if you aren't pushing hard to build resilience in your children anyway. However, I think we do this a disservice to give up and it's a short term view.

Both cycling and swimming are also big social things for kids. Not being able to do them does exclude them. This isn't life threatening but is a real shame, especially if they are children who find it harder to join in anyway. Already I have heard of someone in Year 5 who had to sit at the edge on the school residential because they couldn't join in the cycling activity and know of kids who have turned down party invites because it was swimming and they are embarrassed about the fact they can only swim 3m and won't pass the length test needed to go on the inflatable which is part of the party. Again, not life threatening, but a big shame.

Of course some people absolutely cannot learn these skills. However there are many more people who could learn. Some need more parental push on it and some might need specialised help in learning. They might not have the motivation on their own to do it, but I think a parents job is to take charge sometimes and insist - you have to pick your battles, but I think swimming is one to push on.

Swimming... my eldest had lessons at 4, but didn't learn a thing, they actually undid all the things I'd taught her, and were just totally rubbish and didn't even get in the water with the children and I considered it a waste of money. I didn't get round to finding others until she was about 8, I booked her on to an intensive course where she learnt to swim in a week. This is much better value for money. I'd really recommend giving that a go instead. Lots of pools and swimming schools usually run them in the summer holidays.

Bikes...my 10 year old still can't ride one. We just never found the opportunity. Tried a couple of times and then like you, bike go too small and she's scooted everywhere since she was 2, so seemed a bit pointless.

Yes I totally agree Mercurymadness But it's like banging your head against a brick wall trying to get through to these "You MUST force your children to swim, they'll drown if they get a yard away from a pool" types.

We are NOT poverty stricken btw our dcs can swim but I didn't make it an issue because I know how horrible some swimming instructors are. I also worry when dd2 goes scuba diving, she's a brilliant swimmer ,but there have been times when divers have died.

This screams sensory issues and dyspraxia.

My nephew taught both my kids to ride bikes when they were about 4 (he was 13 and 15 when they learned). I think I gave him £30 on removal of stabilizers.

He was way better at it than us- gung ho about falling off and their slavish devotion to him was a great motivator.

DaftWeeBun - that's very sweet

Neither of mine are particularly sporty or courageous children. They are tall gangly and ill coordinated.

DD had group swimming lessons at age 3.5, hated it, so we gave up. She then did swimming with school from YR but didn't make an awful lot of progress. In Y2 she started 1-2-1 swimming lessons and within a year was swimming like a fish and as well as her friends who had all been swimming since they were four.

On that basis we started DS straight on the same 1-2-1 lessons when he started YR - he's just finishing YR now and can swim 50 metres.

So with swimming I am a great believer in doing 1-2-1 if you can possibly afford it.

WIth cycling, again I think throwing money at the issue helps. Are they riding enormous heavy bikes? Given they are 8 and 10 you could probably invest in one really good lightweight child bike for them to share to learn on. Try an second hand Islabike (probably a Beinn 26 size wise)? They are really light and designed for children, the geometry is really good.

Then I would do as you do with a small child. Take the pedals off and they scoot about it on it. When they can freewheel along on it with their feet off the ground, then you can add pedals.

12 months ago I was in this position.

We'd given swimming lesson a go with older two - but they'd not been great. We'd done fun things round water in pools - with lots of adult supervision and there had been some school lessons.

We moved - eldest was off to secondary which did lessons so she didn't want to stand out and middle child has some lesson with primary school and wanted to be better like his mates.

Getting places was a problem but we got some and in 12 months they have made massive progress - the swim teachers here are fantastically good.

I was told by other parents we’d left it to late and it took their years to go through the levels – I think because they are older they’ve gone through a faster pace. They swim better than us.

We haven’t creaked bike riding –despite many attempts and lots of motivation. I’ve read on here before bike weight might have been a factor – though money tight so it’s hard to justify buying an expensive item that may not be used.

Yes I'm definitely going to try to book one-to-one swimming lessons, they're really expensive but when they went to group lessons (years ago) they did an awful lot of standing about waiting their turn. Also as they're older they'd be really embarrassed having to go in groups with much younger children of similar ability.

I can't justify buying an expensive bike though. I think that just adds to the pressure. If they can't/won't ride it, knowing we've spent loads on it will just make the situation worse. I'm going to see if I can borrow a bike or get a cheap one from ebay to at least try to get them interested. But swimming is the priority.

Make sure the teacher is okay iwouldgoout (go and watch the class before booking) our GD had one who made a favourite of her and was mean to the other 'waiting' ones. SHE learned well but the others were humiliated and put off.