DCs (age 8 and 10) can't swim or ride bikes

[iwouldgoouttonight]

It's more of a what would you do really. I feel like such a failure as a parent. If one child couldn't swim or ride a bike I might think that was their personality and they weren't a very physical person but as it's both of them I guess it's our fault.

They went to swimming lessons for about a year when they were younger (about 4 and 6) and they didn't enjoy it but I kept encouraging them to go. But by the end although DC1 had moved up a group they still both hated it, to the stage where they'd have only got in the water if I'd physically picked them up and put them in screaming and crying (which I wasn't going to do).

DP can't swim so I thought I'd take them swimming each week and teach them myself. They enjoy being in the water and DC1 has got to the stage where he can 'swim' under water and is very confident but can't do an actual stroke and can't lift his head out to breathe without putting his feet on the floor. DC2 can't put her face in the water despite lots of encouragement. She's done it once, hated it, refuses to do it again.

Similar with bikes, they both had bikes, we tried with stabilisers, tried with taking the pedals off and going down a slight slope to get them balancing. But every time they'd get upset, say they don't want to do it and everyone would get stressed. We tried one to one and also with them both trying together. They've now both outgrown the bikes they had so they don't have bikes and it doesn't seem worth buying another one for it to sit in the shed with them refusing to ride it.

DP and I both cycle to work so they're see cycling as a normal every day activity but they just don't want to learn. DC1 had bikability at school and he refused to take part there too.

I'm not as bothered about the cycling but I would like them to learn to swim but I have no idea how to go about it. I thought one to one lessons might help but they don't want to go.

They're really well behaved and as enthusiastic about other things, and will try new things. Eg DC1 went on a school trip to an outdoor pursuits centre and tried abseiling, kayaking, etc. and enjoyed it.

Any ideas?? Saying 'learning to swim is non-negotiable in our house', as some RL friends have said, isn't helpful, we know it's important, but you can't physically force a child to do it.

They like the water and we often go to play swimming sessions with inflatables and slides and they love that.

When you say they "can't swim", what does "can't" mean? Do they never let go of a woggle, Would they sink immediately like stones if they went into water out of depth, or can they doggy paddle to the edge? When in water, do they ever take their feet off the bottom to move around?

Dd1 took lessons at 4 and didn't really enjoy it bit the timing of the cladses didn't really suit me so I was OK letting them go.

I've looked for 4 months to find classes that are close and a time we're happy with so now at 6.5 she's starting again and we'll continue until she can swim.

So my advice is to find classes that suit you and you're probably more likely to stick with it.

Do you let your children dictate everything which happens or doesn't happen in the house or just swimming/cycling? They sound like a right pair of horrors and you're crazy to have let it go so far - agree with the others who have saId you need to start telling them what's happening and ignoring the whining rather than trying to cajole and negotiate.

That's the thing with kids - it's so tempting to let them choose but my thoughts are that you have to look at the adults they will become. I want my kid to be kind and loving first but I also don't want him to be hampered by a lack of skills. It's so hard!

My children were late with cycling, it took me spending a day with them in a field just going over and over.

However my eldest child was happy riding around outside our house, he has major special awareness and co ordination issues but seemed fine.
He then had bikeability and missed the first day because he was in hospital (a regular thing for him) so he returned for the second day full of beans about it and some complete shit of an instructor loudly called him out for being 'just impossible to teach' and 'awful at going in a straight line' and then said he couldn't continue and he's only just started riding again now (3 yrs later) in his teens because his confidence has gone. 😡
I'd love to see him cycling to school with all his friends and going on weekend bike rides.

Congrats OP on having a couple of kids who stick to their guns! Stubbornness is a very useful trait that definitely will stand them in good stead as adults. :) That's what I tell myself re DD who is like a bloody mule and DS who is a tad more tractable but NOT with regards to getting his face wet (and thus, going to swimming lessons). I think some posters don't understand that SOME children will not respond to bribery/threats/persuasion/short sentences/long sentences/peer pressure etc. I think to some extent you have to let them take their own sweet time about it. DD went to swimming lessons for years and only got it when for a week she decided to practise holding her breath under water in the bath. Same with cycling - I tried it for years, then during the summer hols she spent a week cycling round and round our tiny garden and suddenly got it. Then we decided to reward her by getting her a 'grown up' bike, she freaked out, and hasn't been on a bike since :(

DS I haven't bothered so much (second child syndrome); he is a bit more susceptible to peer pressure however (she couldn't give a monkey's) so I'm hoping that when the time comes he'll be a bit more pliable.

Shinesun09 that link is super useful, thanks for posting it!

I'm shocked at some of the posters who say it doesn't matter if you can't swim. Of course it does. After all the publicity and campaigns!

Ok even if you rule out the safety side, drownings etc- you are seriously limiting your kids choices. Plus it's so embarrassing to not be able to swim in high school.

As an adult now it may not be as big a deal as you can avoid situations and it may not have had an impact growing up with less opportunities etc compared to now.

These days, with all the things on offer to kids, not teaching kids to swim is pure dangerous and neglectful as they're likely to still partake as an older teenager due to peer pressure etc. School holidays, trips, hanging out at ponds and pools with their mates etc.

There's some safety risk but also so much fun to be had with water. Surely you wouldn't let a teen go to a waterpark who couldn't swim but then if 13/14 how embarrassing for them to not go? Would you even be able to prevent them if out with their mates? A child now will be grateful when their older.

I wander if it's kind of regional as near me every child starts at age 3- it's almost a given.

Don't worry- my sons aged 11 and 14 couldn't ride bikes until last week, even thought I bought bikes for them and kept offering to help them learn . Then suddenly they realized that all their friends were having fun on bikes, and promptly taught themselves!

My dc can swim but I've never been aware of any campaigns or publicity so buttercupsanddaisies I think you may be right in saying it's a regional thing. Do you live by the coast maybe?

I think both things are good life skills but of course you can live a whole life without ever having to do either.

If they don't learn you are setting up for future generations who might not learn either skill. Apart from anything else it's going limit playing with friends, my dc and all their friends play on bikes

I don't live close to the coast no (well 30 min drive!) but I mean publicity as in general parenting advice. I guess I'd say it's common sense to me. Facebook campaigns etc. To me its unheard of to not teach your kids to swim. It seems as natural to me as potty training. I've always just thought its just something every parent must do!

Amongst people I know, you'd be judged massively if you had kids in high school who couldn't swim. Not saying that's always right but it's so unheard of!

I dont live near Buttercup as i am a lot more than 30 minutes drive and i pass a poster put up on the local council about children needing to learn to swim

I don't know where you all live where all the kids swim
Mine weren't on their own as none swimmers when they were teens and dd now a teen isn't either. They knew/ know lots of people who don't swim.
I really don't get this necessity and neglectful parenting, it's weird tbh.

My dd enjoys playing in the pool at school, the lifeguard knows she doesn't swim, she isn't frightened of water and stays where her feet touch the ground. she has several friends of her own age and above who don't swim either.

Swimming lessons are a pain and it can seem like a lot of effort and hassle for little progress for a while. Little by little things get better and persistence does pay off. We spent 10 years of Saturday mornings at swimming lessons between both DC. It has been the best investment of any of their activities. I know they would have missed out on so much with school trips and activities involving water sports, days out with friends and most importantly safety and enjoyment on holidays.

I have witnessed kids that cannot swim properly almost drown in a pool on holidays while their parents were nearby. Both incidents were where the non swimmer got overconfident splashing around and followed another child who could swim out of their depth or jumping in.

IMO swimming is a must.

If you can possibly do it, perhaps use your money to book a holiday somewhere sunny with a pool. I never had to push my two to swim, being in a warm pool with other children sorted it naturally.

They'd taken off arm bands by about the age of 3-4. If they hadn't I would have prioritised getting them learning as we live in a rural area near the coast and it's so much a part of every day life. Just today we went on a walk and they ended up swimming in a harbour as we happened to have swim kit with us.

Likewise cycling, all the children here are out on bikes constantly. Both these skills are also taught throughout primary schools here so it's rare to encounter a child who can't swim or ride a bike by the end of primary. I used to live in a big city and can imagine how things could be very different there though.

My kids had a year of lessons at school in year 4. Only three kids In the class couldn't swim. (Naice middle class village school). The kids who couldn't were either immigrants or less less affluent. At the end of the year, two of them were signed up for further lessons in year 5 to get them up to scratch.

All my friends' kids swim (and cycle). It would honestly be considered unusual for them not to.

As a young adult DD1 went on holiday with someone who refused to go in the pool or sea. DD assumed she was self conscious about her weight but she confessed half way through the week that she couldn't swim. I think they managed to coax her into the pool for a bit of gentle supported floating. But she missed out on a lot of fun.

Kids are so different. Both of ours have been taken weekly since a few months old, our daughter was confident from the outset and has continued to be so. At 6 she's a strong swimmer who will snorkel for hours etc. My son, much less so. Will not do lessons, full stop. Up until this year, wouldn't leave the side unless attached to a parent. (He's 5 now.) However we are lucky that my parents have a lovely heated pool, so we swim almost every day at this time of year. And I swim with him in the public pool while his sister has lessons, and he has suddenly got the bug and is way more confident. Will swim underwater, and have a good go at a doggy paddle. Will still not contemplate lessons though.

It was very important that they learned because of the pool and being near it a lot, and because we also sail (parents have a yacht and we have a few dinghies) and are on the beach almost daily. If they fall overboard or get in a fix it matters that they are confident enough to at least tread water.

Cycling was similar, neither wanted to until they just 'got it'. Both around 4, balance bikes then to normal pedals, I'd recommend balance bikes as they're great

gillybeanz no mine neither, as I mentioned earlier on the thread both have close friends who also cant swim, one of them didn't even do the five swimming lessons the school offered. So they don't have the peer pressure to encourage them. The eldest has only once been invited to a pool party, and it was all in water he can stand in so was find. We live two hours drive from the nearest sea and I've never seen any adverts about learning to swim.

ragged DC1 could possibly doggy paddle a couple of metres to the edge and often treads water and messes about loads under water. DC2 can't/won't put her face in the water and can't float at all.

Thinking about it, I think DC1 has more issues physically and is so stubborn. It's taken a good few years to get him to have a hair cut without getting upset. DC2 is probably a lot more likely to respond well to someone else teaching her and she respects people in authority.

They're not horrors, I know I've let them down by not forcing them into the water each week and continued lessons, but apart from physical things they are well behaved. DC2's school report said she was immaculately behaved at school.

I know I've put it off for too long and swimming in particular is important, so I've set the ball rolling by emailing about lessons. I think this thread has made me realise I need to sort it asap. DP doesn't think it's as important as he cant swim and his parents can't swim.

Apologies if this has been mentioned as I haven't RTFT but I would suggest putting your money and energy into teaching the younger one. With my dcs this was the only thing that motivated them to want to improve-the threat of being outdone by their younger sibling!

None of their friends cycle regularly even if they can because we live in a big city, so it's only if they go out for the day somewhere. I cycle to work and have to stop suddenly when a car does something unpredictable on an almost daily basis so I wouldn't want a child cycling on those roads anyway.

I live in mixed area - half well off, half in a deprived council estate. I don't know any kids who can't swim. Those that couldn't (not more than 1 or 2) learned as part of school lessons. Swimming (not lessons particularly) is a fairly cheap activity for families. Council lessons here are £14 a month for a once a week lesson so not out of reach of most families.

Being able to swim properly (proper strokes and face under the water) makes swimming for fun so much better than just being able to doggy paddle. It really is an advantage that you should give your children.

Most of those saying it's not necessary are really just saying so because they or their DC don't swim. I wouldn't say it's neglectful, but it's a skill that children really should have in order that they can take advantage of other opportunities. Most school residential trips, right into high school involve swimming or water parks or water sport of some kind as does attendance at scouts/guides. DC1 is just back from scuba diving in Mexico - he'd have not been able to take advantage of that trip if he couldn't swim.

I'd prioritise swimming over cycling. Many people never learn to ride a bike (my sister included) and it isn't an issue. They can walk, drive, use trains or buses or taxis. Children may miss out on bike days out or bike birthday parties with friends but that's a small part of their social life.

We live by the sea and swimming is part of the curriculum. Most schools have their own pool and in the summer they swim at school 2-3 times a week. They have to take their kit in every day so that if there's a spare half hour or so and the pool is free they can use it. Drowning is called "the English death" historically as so much of the country is near water and so many of the English colonists couldn't swim and drowned in rivers.

Being safe in and around water has huge benefits, not just for the pool parties, but for general all round fitness, family holidays near beaches and pools, access to other activities such as kayaking and rafting - you can't learn to sail here unless you can swim, for example.

I had water refusers and tantrums at the poolside. We cracked it with little and often exposure. Not once a week lessons as by the time a week has gone by often you have lost any progress made before. We started with deep baths at home, sitting in them in togs, playing with water squirters / splashing and getting used to wet faces, 4-5 times a week. Once they were having fun and didn't mind unexpected water in the face, they had a week of going to the pool every day for a 20min lesson. They could both swim by the end of that week. Then we carried on taking them daily for the second week, plus they were getting 2-3 lessons a week at school. When they could both swim confidently, we went to a thermal spa resort for the weekend with water slides, hot pools, swimming / laned area, lazy river etc and they had an amazing time.

Usual disclaimer - not UK! (NZ)

Iwould

I don't think it's neglectful at all. It's ok for those to harp on about their £24 per half hour lessons, some people can't afford it.
Even the local swimming pool which is much cheaper you'd still need someone to teach them.
Maybe it's a mc thing, all this necessity and of course school holidays where they need to swim.
None of the schools round here have these holidays.
They do climbing and abseiling outward bound but certainly no swimming.
They have also never experienced any peer pressure or missed out on anything as there was nothing for them to miss out on.

The problem is some parents like to think that because what they are doing seems the best for their dc that everyone else should agree to bolster their assumption they are doing their best, rather sad really.
I don't think they see that all areas are different and all children are different.
I too haven't seen any campaigns about learning to swim, not that it matters anyway, mine are grown up and dd boards, so can decide for herself at school. There are people to help her if she wants to learn.

I am not an advocate of cycling.
Raising kids in a small village but near a main trunk road meant a couple of deaths and several accidents with cyclists. I also live near a University city and cyclist deaths are common place. Although my kids can cycle it is never something I have encouraged.

It's bloody hard to learn to swim as an adult so pull your finger out. It's s life skill! Arrange with the pool to have 1:2 lessons with your DC. Both your DC with one teacher and no other students. 20 lessons. They will learn fast because of their age.

Secondly just borrow some bikes and hang out in the park for an hour a day messing around on the bikes. It's not rocket science!