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Aibu to want dh to patch up friendship for sake of holiday

138 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 00:19

Last year dh introduced me to a female work friend of his and we hit it off and we and our respective DC have spent many fun weekends together, so much so that we booked a holiday together this summer.

All was well until a few weeks ago, when he and she have had a falling out. From what little he's shown me it looks like she has been unreasonable but I don't what he has said or done on his side. So now I'm stuck in the middle, having paid the balance of a small fortune for this holiday after the shit hit the fan because he decided to keep schtum. Now he is shitty all the time and I get to hear him bitching about how much he is dreading our holiday, which clearly makes me look forward to it. Hmm
Last weekend I told him to man up and make things right because, like it or not, we are going on holiday with them for a fortnight and regardless of who was in the wrong it was worth putting it all behind him.
This weekend he is snarling and moaning again and saying he will grit his teeth and bear it, like that is an actual solution to living in the same house with someone for a fortnight, especially when there will be lots of wine involved. So now I am dreading the whole holiday and just want him to sort it out either way. Aibu to tell him to either actually genuinely make peace with it or have it out with her with a view to reaching some form of friendship before august? His head in the sand, grit his teeth and snarl at everyone theory does not bode well for me and I give it three days before it all kicks off. In my opinion he needs to man up and genuinely rise above it, or have it out with her before we are all captive together for the fallout and both our families' holidays have been wrecked.
The only other option from my side is to talk to her about it but then I need to reveal that I have seen texts she has sent to him and that is probably just as damaging. In the meantime, from my side, I have maintained a friendly facade of normalcy, thinking he was sorting it all out with her, when it turns out he has been doing nothing of the sort. Sad

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SprinkleOfInsanity · 16/07/2017 00:21

Confused sounds iffy. What did they fall out about?


Cavender · 16/07/2017 00:22

Invite her and her DH out for dinner and hash it out.


ChicRock · 16/07/2017 00:24

What was it all about?

On the face of it I think YABU and you should show a bit of solidarity with your DH.

I'd be looking to cancel the holiday, or offering to sell your spaces to the friend so she can fill them with other people, or offering to buy out the friend and take someone else - friends, family, anyone.


MommaGee · 16/07/2017 00:24


Also can you just say to her that DH said things were a bit tense at work between them rather than all of it?


Whichwayyisup · 16/07/2017 00:25

Hmm. Need more info on what they fell out about. There seems to be an awful lot of emotion for it to be work related.


KeepServingTheDrinks · 16/07/2017 00:25

Go on holiday, get ridiculously drunk on day 1 and get over it.

Have a lovely holiday after that.

Job done!


AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 00:26



Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/07/2017 00:27

How can you know so little about what happened? That's so strange


BogQueens · 16/07/2017 00:28

It's not your job to manage an emotionally immature spouse's relationships, though I appreciate you understandably don't want a wrecked holiday. And honestly, a work friendship that's only been mutual for a year sounds like a poor basis for a shared holiday, anyway. Is your DH in the habit of firming such volatile friendships? What on earth is all this kerfuffle about? Are they stropping at one another across their workplace?


lobsterface · 16/07/2017 00:31

Seems...odd. I wouldn't be happy no knowing the whole story to be honest.


Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 00:33

I think it is a work politics dispute. He has been promoted above her since we booked holiday,which is a factor. And she's not happy at work and sees him as part of the problem.
When I say they have had a falling out, I don't know that they actually have, hence me telling him to get over it or stop stewing and have it out with her for the greater good! I know she has sent him some quite nasty texts, but I don't know whether he did something to provoke them! And I can't bring them up with her since I should t have seen them. It may even be that she doesn't realise that her texts have been downright nasty, it may be that she sees him as a safe person to rail against and rant at, and possibly doesn't realise the extent to which it has affected him. So I have no idea whether she thinks there has been an issue at all, as I can't raise it, all I know is that him coming home snarling about dreading our holiday shows there is one!

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Whichwayyisup · 16/07/2017 00:38

That's ridiculous. You are his wife, of course she would expect you to know what's going on with your husband!
There's a smell of BS about all of this TBH.


Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 00:38

go on holiday, get ridiculously drunk on day 1 and get over it. this is my concern. There will be a ridiculous amount of wine from day 1 and I can't see how he thinks he is going to get through two weeks of quiet sulking. Even if he doesn't get drunk and explode, I will, because the stress of being around him snarling about this for two weeks has already put me on edge!

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OutToGetYou · 16/07/2017 00:39

There is no "shouldn't have seen them", he's your husband, he can tell you stuff if he wants and it's quite right that he has.

Anyway, are you sure they're not shagging?


SprinkleOfInsanity · 16/07/2017 00:41

How close are they? It's seems to be a rather over he top reaction to something work related? Was he happy when you hit it off immediately with her?

What kind of holiday is it? Cooped up in the same villa/lodge, or a resort?


MargotLovedTom1 · 16/07/2017 00:42

OK - what everyone posting is thinking - but not saying - is that this sounds like some sort of lovers' tiff. Do you have any suspicions at all that this could be the case?


Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/07/2017 00:42

Not going to lie my first thought was they are or have shagged too. This is very weird, of course you can say you were shown texts and you can ask them both what happened, you seem to be very in the dark


MargotLovedTom1 · 16/07/2017 00:43

Ah - cross posted with some more forthright people!


Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 00:45

Completely no BS. She and I have become such good friends that we just went on a girls weekend away together. Two days after we come back she is sending him nasty messages, and I have no idea whether he has done anything to prompt them as they are related to his attitude at work.

I'd like to kill them both for wrecking what was set to be a lovely relaxing holiday for everyone. But unless he says its OK to talk to her about it I feel the only way forward is to tell him to either patch it up properly or have it out for good. I'm not involved other than the big dark cloud over my holiday and all family time inbetween

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milliemolliemou · 16/07/2017 00:45

What sort of holiday? if hotel, then you can just go your separate ways though you and the woman's DP might be left boggled. If cottage/villa then more difficult.

Get your DH to sort it. Or just go to her and ask her calmly (with no reference to texts) what the hell is wrong.

Or grit your teeth, lose the money and have a staycation in your own home while quietly seething at DH throughout. Or just go without him.


SprinkleOfInsanity · 16/07/2017 00:48

Can you give us the just of the nasty messages?


SprinkleOfInsanity · 16/07/2017 00:48



AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 00:50

You sound very blinkered op

Do you often miss huge great clues about what is going on around you ? Keep charging ahead without clocking some big fat issues ?


Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 00:51

I will tell him tomorrow that mumsnet wisdom is that he must have shagged her and see what his reaction is! I know it has previously been a joke from others of his work colleagues, so who knows.
OTOH from my friendship with her I know she is quite volatile and it could just be a hormonal outburst that he is taking way too much to heart.

And it is a villa in the middle of nowhere, just our two families, no resort distractions or ability to sell on. Just us lot and the ticking time bomb of ww3

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Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 00:53

Or worse. If you lot are right.

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