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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want dh to patch up friendship for sake of holiday

138 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 00:19

Last year dh introduced me to a female work friend of his and we hit it off and we and our respective DC have spent many fun weekends together, so much so that we booked a holiday together this summer.

All was well until a few weeks ago, when he and she have had a falling out. From what little he's shown me it looks like she has been unreasonable but I don't what he has said or done on his side. So now I'm stuck in the middle, having paid the balance of a small fortune for this holiday after the shit hit the fan because he decided to keep schtum. Now he is shitty all the time and I get to hear him bitching about how much he is dreading our holiday, which clearly makes me look forward to it. Hmm
Last weekend I told him to man up and make things right because, like it or not, we are going on holiday with them for a fortnight and regardless of who was in the wrong it was worth putting it all behind him.
This weekend he is snarling and moaning again and saying he will grit his teeth and bear it, like that is an actual solution to living in the same house with someone for a fortnight, especially when there will be lots of wine involved. So now I am dreading the whole holiday and just want him to sort it out either way. Aibu to tell him to either actually genuinely make peace with it or have it out with her with a view to reaching some form of friendship before august? His head in the sand, grit his teeth and snarl at everyone theory does not bode well for me and I give it three days before it all kicks off. In my opinion he needs to man up and genuinely rise above it, or have it out with her before we are all captive together for the fallout and both our families' holidays have been wrecked.
The only other option from my side is to talk to her about it but then I need to reveal that I have seen texts she has sent to him and that is probably just as damaging. In the meantime, from my side, I have maintained a friendly facade of normalcy, thinking he was sorting it all out with her, when it turns out he has been doing nothing of the sort. Sad

OP posts:
SprinkleOfInsanity · 16/07/2017 00:53

At the very least, and from your side of the story, she sounds wholly unprofessional to be messaged your DH out with of a work capacity with nastiness. However, this is just the a glimpse in to it. You need to tell your DH that you need to know everything before being cooped up in a villa with them both, it sounds like it's doomed anyway.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 00:54

Fucking massive drip feed there

SprinkleOfInsanity · 16/07/2017 00:55

Are you sure it's not a 'trough your keys in the fruit bowl' kind of holiday with them? And just you and her DH haven't been made aware of it.

SprinkleOfInsanity · 16/07/2017 00:55

*throw ffs

rollonthesummer · 16/07/2017 00:58

I think it's very unusual to book a fortnight holiday with a woman who works with your husband and you've only known her a year.

I suspect this isn't what it seems or they are shagging.

ChicRock · 16/07/2017 00:58

What exactly is it about this volatile woman, who sends your DH nasty texts, that you like as a friend?

And their work colleagues have previously joked about them shagging?

Wow. The more you post the more the holiday seems like a terrible idea.

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 01:05

Not sure what was dripfeedy.
I was viewing it as quite simple, she sent him some shirty messages when she was hormonal/moody/whatever, and he overreacted and now is shitty as hell himself and doesn't feel any need to make up with her for the sake of two weeks in close quarters. I think that with two weeks of wine swigging, there is zero chance of us all surviving if they don't make peace now.
I hadn't considered the possibility of a lovers tiff, of course. And trust me, I will be springing that one on him in the morning...

Certainly hope there are no keys in pots intentions. Definitely not.

OP posts:
SprinkleOfInsanity · 16/07/2017 01:07

They both sound delightful Confused

Good luck with your chat in the morning, I hope there's a simpler explanation that what we've all come up with.

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 01:10

What exactly is it about this volatile woman, who sends your DH nasty texts, that you like as a friend?

We've bonded over shared depression issues and hormonal imbalances. She never sent him nasty texts until after we had been good friends for a year and gone away together, as far as I know, or at least he never shared them or got stressed about them before.

OP posts:
Summerswallow · 16/07/2017 01:12

Two weeks with only one other family in a remote villa sounds pretty intense anyway, especially with a pair as volatile as your friend and your husband! The only option is for you not to go. I wouldn't, anyway, I like my holidays to be relaxing.

No idea if there's anything more to their spat than professional jealousy but the holiday is a no anyway.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 16/07/2017 01:14

If he won't talk to you about what happened, tell him you're going to ask her for her side - or just ask her already!
also read this as they were shagging and had a lovers' tiff

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 01:14

I think it's very unusual to book a fortnight holiday with a woman who works with your husband and you've only known her a year.

It is probably more like 18 months and pur kids are the same ages. We did a few weekends at each others houses and the kids got on on nicely and we thought it would be perfect.

Guess I am naive. Will be booking a resort holiday next summer!

OP posts:
SprinkleOfInsanity · 16/07/2017 01:15

Now my thoughts have changed to; has been trying to give counsel to your DH about your shared depression, and he's maybe told her to back off and not be so personal or interfere with your relationship, and she's been shirty at him because she naively thought she was being helpful? Is she a meddler and like a bit of someone else's drama?

Love51 · 16/07/2017 01:26

Did she text his personal phone or work phone? I wouldn't expect colleagues to share work phone messages with spouses, (or the spouses to give a damn!) but personal phone is fine. Get pissed with her pre holiday, see how it goes.

BunsOfAnarchy · 16/07/2017 01:37

Hey @Bedraggledmumoftwo this sounds like a shitty situation. But look at this objectively. Personally if it was me, my priority would be to look at ways out of this holiday full stop. No patience to wait for people to patch things up as id wanna look forward to a relaxing holiday rather than sit waiting on tenterhooks for others. Selfish but who cares. Your money should be spent on something that will benefit your family and keep you happy and not on a gamble. It's like putting all that cash on one slow horse at the races and thinking it may win. No. You don't do that shit with cash that'll affect your kids.

Hubby and I were way past the date of getting a 1900 deposit refund on current holiday as it was originally booked for last autumn but Mil was sick (eventually passed away, god rest her beautiful soul) but rather than cancel we just changed the dates and we also had the option of changing the destination to make sure we didn't lose the deposit and paid any higher differences.

Are you able to do that at all? Change the dates even if for a small fee? Or change the villa you have booked? You need to seriously consider every avenue of not being at this holiday. Consult your travel insurance policy on this too.

Also just speak to your husband first and foremost. Asking him to patch up is not really the right thing. You have no idea what their work dynamic is like and therefore you can't potentially comment on how to handle it. It's really awkward being In work when workplace politics have come in play and destroyed friendships between colleagues. I'd rather cancel the holiday than spend it with a bitter colleague who I cannot stand. Stop forcing him to patch it up ! Support his side and maybe just tell the woman you're stuck in the middle and you don't want to put her and your hubby in a position where it's horrendously awkward for both families and kids for 2 whole weeks of their holiday and you're not prepared to take the risk of finding out how it plays out while on holiday. You'd rather cancel and do something for yourself and kids elsewhere and woman and your dh can sort stuff out at own pace.

MargotLovedTom1 · 16/07/2017 07:57

People keep mentioning her DH but I haven't seen the OP bring him up. Is she with someone OP?

MaisyPops · 16/07/2017 08:01

I wondered if they'd shagged when I read through thread. Or did someone think the door was open and it's not so now it's awkward.

I can think of a couple of people at work who piss me off and are far too involved in work politics. I wouldn't be sending them nasty texts though

vikingprincess81 · 16/07/2017 08:09

Errrrm. Ok, I'm going to go down a different road.
All the 'are they shagging' stuff aside, I take it you all got quite close fairly quickly? And there are MH issues too (no judgement, I take my little white pill every morning too!)
Could it be she's pretty unbalanced at the moment and you and DH are her closest friends? If she's 'volatile,' she probably goes through friends like a dose of salts quickly, and she sound rather err intense?
As for you having seen DH's texts, well why wouldn't you?
For the sake of your holiday why not arrange to meet and speak candidly? I know traditional MN advice is not to police your DH's relationships, but irl you've spent a lot of money on a holiday and why should it be ruined? Honesty and candour go a long way, and being upfront may be exactly what she needed to cut through all the teeth gnashing and snarling. DH needs to cut that out though, especially if he has to work with her. If she's sending abusive messages then involve HR... and don't book any more holidays together Wink
Good luck!

vikingprincess81 · 16/07/2017 08:13

If they have been having an affair (or she thought he might be keen but has been rebuffed) then it might explain the sudden animosity. That said, you mention imbalances and depression. She could be going through a shitty spell and she sees your DH (wrongly, but we aren't always rational when dealing with MH issues) as an outlet for anger. That's not on though, and I'm not excusing her behaviour, especially when it impacts on your marriage.

Therealslimshady1 · 16/07/2017 08:14

Get the holiday changed!

VeryButchyRestingFace · 16/07/2017 08:15

Fucking massive drip feed there

I'm waiting for the revelation that past weekends spent at each others' houses involved the couples getting up to something a little less sedate than board games... 😈

Saiman · 16/07/2017 08:20

What you know is, that she has veen shitty to him. But you want him to suck it up.

Because you dont want hee to know you have seen the shitty texts? He is your dh. Why shouldnt he show you them?

While most think his relationship with her is weird. I think your relationship with her is weird.

Why on earth are you pussy footing round her?

vikingprincess81 · 16/07/2017 08:22

I work with a primarily male team and have been accused of having an affair with one of them (despite being very friendly with his DP, and he with my DH) so I know how frustrating it is when you go out drinking with a male colleague and get accused of all sorts but a female colleague would be fine 🙄
However. I've never booked a holiday with work colleague, or sent (or been sent) shitty messages. That seems... well, odd. I can see why, if it's totally platonic, it's frustrating, but something is 'off' here.

Crunchymum · 16/07/2017 08:23

Also interested to hear if this woman has a partner.

What exactly did these 'moody / hormonal' texts say?

The fact other people at work have made reference to an affair would be a red flag for me. How do you know this? Who told you?

KinkyAfro · 16/07/2017 08:26

There's no mention of woman's husband or partner, does she have one?