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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want dh to patch up friendship for sake of holiday

138 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 00:19

Last year dh introduced me to a female work friend of his and we hit it off and we and our respective DC have spent many fun weekends together, so much so that we booked a holiday together this summer.

All was well until a few weeks ago, when he and she have had a falling out. From what little he's shown me it looks like she has been unreasonable but I don't what he has said or done on his side. So now I'm stuck in the middle, having paid the balance of a small fortune for this holiday after the shit hit the fan because he decided to keep schtum. Now he is shitty all the time and I get to hear him bitching about how much he is dreading our holiday, which clearly makes me look forward to it. Hmm
Last weekend I told him to man up and make things right because, like it or not, we are going on holiday with them for a fortnight and regardless of who was in the wrong it was worth putting it all behind him.
This weekend he is snarling and moaning again and saying he will grit his teeth and bear it, like that is an actual solution to living in the same house with someone for a fortnight, especially when there will be lots of wine involved. So now I am dreading the whole holiday and just want him to sort it out either way. Aibu to tell him to either actually genuinely make peace with it or have it out with her with a view to reaching some form of friendship before august? His head in the sand, grit his teeth and snarl at everyone theory does not bode well for me and I give it three days before it all kicks off. In my opinion he needs to man up and genuinely rise above it, or have it out with her before we are all captive together for the fallout and both our families' holidays have been wrecked.
The only other option from my side is to talk to her about it but then I need to reveal that I have seen texts she has sent to him and that is probably just as damaging. In the meantime, from my side, I have maintained a friendly facade of normalcy, thinking he was sorting it all out with her, when it turns out he has been doing nothing of the sort. Sad

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 16/07/2017 10:05

OP '.....There will be a ridiculous amount of wine from day 1'
Is this a holiday involving children?
You really don't want anything to kick off if there are children involved that could witness it. That's not fair on them. It could be very frightening.
Sort it out before you go over dinner ( at a venue not at one of your homes) or cut your losses and cancel the holiday.

GreenTulips · 16/07/2017 10:08

It's odd he hasn't told you what it's about - unless it involves you some how

PearlyPinkNails · 16/07/2017 10:09

Love and hate are very similar emotions...

ChicRock · 16/07/2017 10:26

2 people with depression plus "a ridiculous amount of wine from day 1" sounds like a really stupid idea. You know about the links between the two?

pasturesgreen · 16/07/2017 10:38

Sorry to say, OP, but you do sound remarkably naive.

The fact people at work have been gossiping about an affair between your DH and the friend/colleague, to the point you got wind of it, rings pretty deafening alarm bells.

Whose idea it was to all embark on this jolly family holiday?

Topseyt · 16/07/2017 10:51

Why the fuck would anyone want to go on a shared family holiday with a work colleague?

Wife and children coupled with work colleague and their children for a fortnight, with a falling out at work and possible affair as a backdrop??

You think that anyone can just set that aside for a good holiday? Really!!

I would be cancelling the holiday and insisting on being told the full truth. Go somewhere else, just you and the kids.

Tenpastlate · 16/07/2017 11:16

What did your DH say when you asked him this morning.
Sorry, but I agree that it sounds like this is personal, not work related.

OutToGetYou · 16/07/2017 12:06

I think the OP said something to this woman on their weekend away that has set her off. Maybe referring to her great sex life with her dh, when dh has told ow they never have sex any more......

It's too coincidental that this happened just after their girly weekend away.

OnionKnight · 16/07/2017 12:11

*Why the fuck would anyone want to go on a shared family holiday with a work colleague?

Wife and children coupled with work colleague and their children for a fortnight, with a falling out at work and possible affair as a backdrop??

You think that anyone can just set that aside for a good holiday? Really!!

I would be cancelling the holiday and insisting on being told the full truth. Go somewhere else, just you and the kids.*

This, it sounds like my idea of hell.

LagunaBubbles · 16/07/2017 12:23

If you are that good of friends with her for the love of God just ask her what's going on!

sourgrapes28 · 16/07/2017 13:18

It definitely sounds fishy to be honest. Saying that I would 100% support my OH in this situation not the friend, I would actually be mighty pissed off if he still wanted me to go on a holiday with someone who was treating me like crap.

vikingprincess81 · 16/07/2017 13:26

Men and women can be friends - 100% platonic friends, with absolutely nothing else getting in the way. Just saying Wink
However, OP, I do think there is something missing here - whether it's something you haven't posted, or something you haven't been told, but there's a missing link somewhere.
What did dh say when spoke to him?

ThePinkOcelot · 16/07/2017 14:16

I can't understand why you thought a holiday would be a good idea.
Years ago, DH (just BF then) went on holiday with good friends. The male had been friends with DH since school. We shared an apartment. It was a nightmare. Together 24/7 for 2 weeks. Our friendship didn't survive.
Yours is rocky before you even go.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 16/07/2017 14:29

I'm her confused as to why you have seen the nasty texts and know her side but your DH didn't feel it necessary to share his side and why she was doing this. I suspect he did this so she looked like the bad guy, you would side with him and back off from the friendship so you wouldn't discover something more had been going on.

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 14:47

You are all right. He is having an affair. Just not with her. Have stolen his phone and gone to a friends house to gather evidence. Will be posting on relationships soon. Now I need to sort out what the hell I do now

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 14:48

Completely not a troll by the way. Feeling really shocked. Can't believe it.

OP posts:
Summerswallow · 16/07/2017 14:51

Bedraggled I think I'd take some time for yourself, and post on rel when you have an idea what's going on. Get some support from your friend. Sorry it all turned out like this, it did all sound odd and it sounds like the more you looked, the worse it got.

happypoobum · 16/07/2017 14:54

So sorry to hear this. Sounds like your friend really is a friend and has been telling your DH off? Maybe she gave him a "You tell her or I will" ultimatum?

I hope it all works out for you. Flowers

HeyBigSpender · 16/07/2017 15:03

Sorry to hear this Sad

MudCity · 16/07/2017 15:13

Oh, how awful. So sorry. Flowers

MudCity · 16/07/2017 15:13

Oh, how awful. So sorry. Flowers

Tenpastlate · 16/07/2017 15:21

So sorry this has happened.
Can you contact her (holiday friend) and ask her what she knows. As a pp said, this is probably why she has been 'off' with him.
Hope you have some real life support.

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/07/2017 15:25

So they weren't shaggingbut he was clearly worried thst she'd spill the beans! Go on holiday with her and the kids and leave him behind!!

youhavetobekidding · 16/07/2017 15:27

*So sorry to hear this. Sounds like your friend really is a friend and has been telling your DH off? Maybe she gave him a "You tell her or I will" ultimatum?

I hope it all works out for you*

This

LordBeefCurtain · 16/07/2017 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.