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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want dh to patch up friendship for sake of holiday

138 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 00:19

Last year dh introduced me to a female work friend of his and we hit it off and we and our respective DC have spent many fun weekends together, so much so that we booked a holiday together this summer.

All was well until a few weeks ago, when he and she have had a falling out. From what little he's shown me it looks like she has been unreasonable but I don't what he has said or done on his side. So now I'm stuck in the middle, having paid the balance of a small fortune for this holiday after the shit hit the fan because he decided to keep schtum. Now he is shitty all the time and I get to hear him bitching about how much he is dreading our holiday, which clearly makes me look forward to it. Hmm
Last weekend I told him to man up and make things right because, like it or not, we are going on holiday with them for a fortnight and regardless of who was in the wrong it was worth putting it all behind him.
This weekend he is snarling and moaning again and saying he will grit his teeth and bear it, like that is an actual solution to living in the same house with someone for a fortnight, especially when there will be lots of wine involved. So now I am dreading the whole holiday and just want him to sort it out either way. Aibu to tell him to either actually genuinely make peace with it or have it out with her with a view to reaching some form of friendship before august? His head in the sand, grit his teeth and snarl at everyone theory does not bode well for me and I give it three days before it all kicks off. In my opinion he needs to man up and genuinely rise above it, or have it out with her before we are all captive together for the fallout and both our families' holidays have been wrecked.
The only other option from my side is to talk to her about it but then I need to reveal that I have seen texts she has sent to him and that is probably just as damaging. In the meantime, from my side, I have maintained a friendly facade of normalcy, thinking he was sorting it all out with her, when it turns out he has been doing nothing of the sort. Sad

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 16/07/2017 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juneau · 16/07/2017 08:27

If you're friends with her and he's not talking I'd tell her that you know there is something up between your DH and her (as his DW you would surely be expected to know this anyway!) and ask her for her side of it. You're right that you desperately need to clear this up now, while there is still time for everyone to lick their wounds and get over it before your holiday.

And I agree that booking a 2-week holiday with people you haven't known for very long in a villa miles from anywhere is utter madness. I've known people for years and only just gone away with them for four days. You have to be really, really careful who you agree to holiday with, particularly for 2 weeks (which is a helluva long time to share a house with anyone), and at a villa in the middle of nowhere.

juneau · 16/07/2017 08:31

Actually, I agree with FrancisCrawford. Have you read the small print of your holiday. Is there any getting out of it with at least some of your money intact?

Cleanermaidcook · 16/07/2017 08:32

Well if you're good friends with her why don't you just ask her whats up??
Can't see why you shouldn't have seen your dh's texts, he's your husband.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 16/07/2017 08:32

The fact other people at work have made reference to an affair would be a red flag for me

Yup. ✅ ✅ ✅

How do you know this? Who told you?

Him or her. Covering their bases in case she gets wind of it elsewhere. Hmm

saffronwblue · 16/07/2017 08:34

Surely the point of a holiday is to get away from the people at work? Also drinking ridiculous amou ts is never compulsory and tbh does not go all that well with mental health struggles.

GreenTulips · 16/07/2017 08:39

Did you tell her something durin the weekend away that upset her?

You need to talk things through we DH see ho

Ledkr · 16/07/2017 08:41
Hmm
GreenTulips · 16/07/2017 08:45

Sorry phone! Did you discuss his promotion did h e get a ohead a head start? Dd you reveal one thing you shouldn't that upset her?

Talk to him without mention of the holdiday

NorksAreMessy · 16/07/2017 08:49

You don't HAVE to go on this holiday.
There are ways of cancelling things, or even saying 'to hell with the money we have already spent, nothing is worth this grief'
A holiday is supposed to be relaxing and happy, this sounds anything but.

abilockhart · 16/07/2017 08:53

There is no way I would ever consider going on holiday with someone who had sent nasty texts to my DH. It would be completely disloyal.

Similarly, there is no way in hell that my DH would even consider going on holiday with anyone who was nasty to me. I would be shocked and devastated if he did.

The fact that you are considering the above is strange. There is something very off here.

ZenNudist · 16/07/2017 08:56

Talk about it like adults? Or cancel.

MyCalmX · 16/07/2017 09:05

Agree with abi seems disloyal to your dh the way you are playing down the nasty texts.

And being prepared to ruin his holiday for this brief friendship.

Hoppinggreen · 16/07/2017 09:14

You say you are good friends with her so why not meet for a coffee and see if you can sort it out?
I don't necessarily jump to the " affair" conclusion, colleagues can fall out about other things than shagging
Holiday set up sounds a bit intense in any case, we have people we have been friends with for years and we wouldn't go to a remote villa with for a fortnight.

WillowWeeping · 16/07/2017 09:16

I thought lovers tiff at your OP.

The drip feed cemented it.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 16/07/2017 09:21

There are two possibilities here.

  1. She's been utterly horrible to your DH, he is justifiably upset and angry. You are telling him to suck it up for the sake of your holiday. That's really awful- why would you want to go on holiday with someone who's been nasty to your H?Confused You should not expect him to spend two weeks with someone like this.
  1. Your H has done something to justify her sending those texts. He is now lying to cover up something he has done. It may be an affair, it may not.
If this is true, you need to talk to H and make him tell you want the fuck has been going on.
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 16/07/2017 09:22

What is the "drip feed" being referred to? I must have missed it.

Hippywannabe · 16/07/2017 09:24

Lovers' tiff. 100%

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/07/2017 09:25

Great post from BunsofAnarchy !
And there we have it, there is no husband.
OP, you have fallen into some kind of trap, with this woman.
The jokes about them having an affair/fling, should have been a red flag, there is no smoke without fire.

witsender · 16/07/2017 09:40

So she has been shitty to him, and you want him to 'suck it up' because you have paid money for a holiday? Nice.

She sounds unpleasant, I would be looking at ways to get out of the holiday, back away from the friendship and investigate the shagging jokes.

Justhadmyhaircut · 16/07/2017 09:44

I would suggest that your girls time away you allowed her to see how great your marriage is and this is not the same info as she has been getting for your dh. . .
She thought she had a chance of stealing him away from you. .
And he is getting the back lash now.

acatcalledjohn · 16/07/2017 09:46

The jokes about them having an affair/fling, should have been a red flag, there is no smoke without fire.

Bollocks. I've been the subject of one of those rumours (did the rounds on 3 separate occasions, about me and the one same bloke).

We never kissed, never had sex or even shared a bed, never had an emotional thing going...we were just GOOD MATES! There was no fire. That didn't stop the rumour to be regurgitated twice though - probably because of others with that same 'no smoke without fire' attitude.

That said, in the OP's case something has changed in their work dynamic to cause this fallout.could be the seniority issue, could be an affair, could be that the OP's DH has been told to cool the relationship with her because it's not professional. Any number of things.

Nanna50 · 16/07/2017 09:51

Who's idea was it to go on holiday? I agree the odd weekend can be fun but a family holiday is a bit of a leap with someone that you happen to get on with. Also does this woman have a partner how does he get on with everyone?

I worked with a man and woman who were very close, both married and never had an affair but would have an after work drink on a Friday afternoon and the families used to socialise together occasionally. However they would never have gone as far as booking a holiday and they had been friends for about 6 years.

He got promotion and became her boss, she never really took him seriously as her senior and relied on his friendship to pretty much choose her projects. One day it blew up he told her there was something that needed to be done by her and she argued with him and he threatened to sack her.

That was the end of their friendship but they both felt betrayed, she was pretty nasty about him at the time but there was a clear reason, it was there for everyone to see. He could tell his wife exactly why he was pissed off and therefore his wife didn't need to ask her or second guess and if she'd wanted them to make up she was friendly enough with the other woman to engineer it.

How can you know if making up is a good thing when you don't know the truth of the fall out?

Great post from Buns and I agree with others who think something changed on that weekend that you spent with her.

SchnooSchnoo · 16/07/2017 09:51

I think we really need to know what the texts said to understand this. Have you not asked your dh what it's all about?

laurelstar · 16/07/2017 10:01

You need to ask what the texts say OP, all of them