Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want dh to patch up friendship for sake of holiday

138 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 00:19

Last year dh introduced me to a female work friend of his and we hit it off and we and our respective DC have spent many fun weekends together, so much so that we booked a holiday together this summer.

All was well until a few weeks ago, when he and she have had a falling out. From what little he's shown me it looks like she has been unreasonable but I don't what he has said or done on his side. So now I'm stuck in the middle, having paid the balance of a small fortune for this holiday after the shit hit the fan because he decided to keep schtum. Now he is shitty all the time and I get to hear him bitching about how much he is dreading our holiday, which clearly makes me look forward to it. Hmm
Last weekend I told him to man up and make things right because, like it or not, we are going on holiday with them for a fortnight and regardless of who was in the wrong it was worth putting it all behind him.
This weekend he is snarling and moaning again and saying he will grit his teeth and bear it, like that is an actual solution to living in the same house with someone for a fortnight, especially when there will be lots of wine involved. So now I am dreading the whole holiday and just want him to sort it out either way. Aibu to tell him to either actually genuinely make peace with it or have it out with her with a view to reaching some form of friendship before august? His head in the sand, grit his teeth and snarl at everyone theory does not bode well for me and I give it three days before it all kicks off. In my opinion he needs to man up and genuinely rise above it, or have it out with her before we are all captive together for the fallout and both our families' holidays have been wrecked.
The only other option from my side is to talk to her about it but then I need to reveal that I have seen texts she has sent to him and that is probably just as damaging. In the meantime, from my side, I have maintained a friendly facade of normalcy, thinking he was sorting it all out with her, when it turns out he has been doing nothing of the sort. Sad

OP posts:
youhavetobekidding · 16/07/2017 15:37

Awful though it is, I think it's best you know about it. You will hit rock bottom, and eventually make your way back up to the surface. Be kind to yourself

sourgrapes28 · 16/07/2017 15:42

Sorry to hear this op. Forward everything onto yourself for future reference incase he deletes things. What a knobhead. Hopefully friend had your back and that's what's engineered the fallout. Flowers

Wallywobbles · 16/07/2017 15:43

Well that solves the holiday as he won't be coming. As for the rest, I'd suggest he find somewhere else to live by the time you come back. Then decide what you want.

Saiman · 16/07/2017 15:50

Wtf?

I am so sorry. He is shagging this woman and someone else?

Honestly OP i am so so sorry. They are both complete twats

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 16/07/2017 15:57

Saiman I think he is having an affair with another woman, not the friend.

Saiman · 16/07/2017 16:01

Thank you. Must have been my horror that caused me to read 'and not just with her' rather than 'just not her'.

Still its awful.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 16/07/2017 16:05

The friend presumably caught him at it, hence the falling out.

Saiman · 16/07/2017 16:06

Yeah probably.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 16:10

Not at all surprised there wasn't a benign outcome here

I really wish the outraged "but I share lifts with a bloke and it is totally innocent, all you suspicious witches should stop trying to wreck marriages" (paraphrasing of course) emptyheads would stay away from threads like this

People do not post here is everything is A-ok, for fucks sake

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 16/07/2017 16:20

AF - spot on again!

lobsterface · 16/07/2017 17:11

I'm so sorry OP. I agree re going away anyway without him although it will be hell and she's obviously a link to him.

Flowers
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/07/2017 17:22

I'm sorry Bedraggled, the rat.

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2017 17:29

I really wish the outraged "but I share lifts with a bloke and it is totally innocent, all you suspicious witches should stop trying to wreck marriages" (paraphrasing of course) emptyheads would stay away from threads like this

He wasn't shagging this woman though. So everyone who suggested it was wrong. In fact it looks like they fell out because she found out and this woman is a friend to the op.

He is having an affair but no one could have guessed that as it's with someone not mentioned and no one suggested he was having an affair with an unknown third party.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 17:39

No, no one guessed he was boning some other woman

But to dismiss the situation as "normal" was very wide of the mark.

Topseyt · 16/07/2017 17:43

He is an utter arsewipe.

Perhaps he is the one who should not be going on the holiday, although my instinct would still be to try and cancel it completely, whilst asking him to move out of the family home for now. You will all need space.

Original poster
Bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/07/2017 18:12

Hi all. Going back to the original question, I borrowed his phone this morning to look at the detail of what friend had said to him as I had only seen one nasty text and he had snarled at me that it was the tip of the iceberg. The nasty text I had seen just said that he needed to sort himself out or she wouldn't work with him and they wouldn't be friends anymore. Nothing as heinous as you may have imagined. And since that was all I had seen I just thought she was having a bad work day/hormonal issues, so didn't make a big deal of it and thought he could get over it,
This morning I read through all her messages and there were no other nasty ones, in fact she apologised later, she was just being needy because they used to be good friends and he has been rude/aloof/ not being friendly lately. Now that I know the truth it is probably because the stress of the deception at work and her friendship with me has made him avoid her. And of course, whereas I thought he had been having loads of extra work nights out etc it turns out he has been either making them up, leaving early or simply not attending in order to shag ow. Not surprised she has been feeling unloved and questioning their friendship. I imagine he has been rude to get her to leave him and ow alone.

Don't think she knew about OW. She may have had suspicions. But basically she was more alert to his changing social patterns than me and felt dumped as a friend. I just trusted that he was working Sad

Oh and the reference to comments from his work colleagues was actually one single comment about friend fancying him from colleague who turns out to be OW. Guess it was part of the early flirting/mating ritual to see if he fancied friend and test the waters.

OP posts:
Saiman · 16/07/2017 18:16

Is the OW a colleague of them both?

I think your friend most probably knows. Everywhere i have worked, people know when 2 people are having an affair. It may not be confirmed, but you know. And you also know when its done.

She may not have had proof. But she will have had a good idea. She has been in an awful position.

witsender · 16/07/2017 18:28

Shit OP, I'm sorry. Sad

witsender · 16/07/2017 18:29

How did you find out? Texts?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 16/07/2017 19:55

Oh so sorry, BedraggledSad

gingergenius · 16/07/2017 20:07

Sorry to hear your news @Bedraggledmumoftwo - that really sucks x

milliemolliemou · 16/07/2017 20:19

So sorry. Can you talk to your husband's colleague to say you think you now know what's going on or that you do know what's going on if you've talked to your husband?

The least of your worries is the holiday but is there any chance you could postpone the holiday/get the tickets transferred?

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2017 20:24

How did you find out about the cheating op?

FrancisCrawford · 16/07/2017 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DartmoorDoughnut · 16/07/2017 22:50

What a twat, so sorry OP