Or ... as Dd1 thinks, over-reacting?

[NewYearNewLife53]

So, I work really really hard in quite a stressful job. Recently had to shift careers later in life due to separation from (d)h. Work full time and have pretty much fulltime responsibility for dd1(16) and dd2(12).

A few months ago, a friend, recognising how hard I worked, how I got such little time for me, etc, treated me to a lovely box of chocolates. Few days later I came home to fond half of them had disappeared (they were in my bedroom). Dd1 had gone into my room and helped herself. I was a bit upset - not cause of the chocolates per se but that she'd taken something of mine that had been a gift for me (she knew this). I explained my upset. Next day she said sorry and bought me some chocolates. Okay - all forgotten.

Two days ago, I was bought chocolates again (it was to celebrate an achievement). Returned home from work thjs evening to find dd1 bad been at it again! Granted, it was just the one chocolate but yet again, had entered my bedroom, saw the present and helped herself.

I was really upset. Look, it's not the chocolate (if she's asked, O'd happily have given her some). It's the lack of respect for my gift, for all that I do which had been recognised by the giver, for her 'couldn't give a toss' attitude that she'd upset me first time around and did it again. She's 16 - not 6.

AIBU? When I verbalised my annoyance this time, she rolled her eyes as though I was making a mountain out if a molehill. I work so hard, had to retrain in an entirely different area in my 50s to pay for holidays and clothes and activities for the 2 kids as a single parent. I thought I'd brought her up not to steal, not to take something that didn't belong to her; to recognise others and their space- to respect that.

AIBU?

Not being U no. Maybe if you start helping yourself to her make-up she'll get your point!

YANBU she shouldnt think this is acceptable.

My dd is exactly the same. Have explained if she - in her words- sneaks - into my room then when stuff goes missing from elsewhere she will be blamed. It has happened and it was ds who fessed up. She saw the point and hasn't done it for ages. But it's so annoying when she won't see its stealing. . And no dc allowed in my room anyway!!

I'm sorry I think you are BU one chocolate; your child. ( whatever their age) maybe momentarily be pissed off but I think your life is so stressful that small things are pushing you over the edge but I would say don't sweat the small stuff. Have some flowers. 💐

I don't think it's a big deal. You're all family. All this 'my achievement, my chocolate' stuff is petty & will eventually just ruin your relationship. Learn to chill out and share your goodies.

And - probably - worse ... when I confronted her about it, she lied initially.

So how should I handle it?

That's really disrespectful. I wouldn't have done that on my mum...I know that when I asked she would have given me whatever I wanted, but I wouldn't have just taken it.

Maybe just say I earned those bloody chocolates next time you get some expect there to be a few missing and then you get to do the eye rolling!

I'm not against sharing. I couldn t eat them all anyway. I guess I think that at 16, she should respect others' gifts

No, you didn't overreact. It's not on to go into people's rooms and take things because you fancy them.

In fact, your DD clearly must know it's not on (last time she did it she apologised, replaced them, etc) that I wonder if maybe she's acting out a bit? Sixteen is a difficult age (exam stress, teenage stuff, etc) and you mention several times how busy and stressed you are, and imply that your STBXP isn't doing his/her fair share since you say you are "pretty much" the only parent doing any parenting.

I don;t mean to bash you, but this taking-one-chocolate-to-see-if-you-get-angry reminds me of that boundary-pushing that toddlers do. Maybe she feels a bit in need of parental attention, and there isn't much going spare?

But you know when you know there's chocolate there and you just can't resist....!

They were in my room so I could carve out a teensy bit of time, of pleasure, just for me. I get so little of that, like most lone parents. The kids aren't short of money to buy their own chocolate.

Boundary-pushing? I don't think so. She would have taken more if she'd thought she'd get away with it I suspect ...

Why should she share them and why shouldn't she keep them in her room? It was a gift. I don't expect my dc to share gifts if they do lovely but it is certainly not expected.
The issue isn't why the op didn't share it is about leaving things in her room and her dd helping herself which isn't on.
As a parent it is extremely hard to have things that are just yours including personal space. Op didn't leave them in the kitchen cupboard she put them in her room to enjoy as and when she wanted she should be able to do that with her possessions whatever they are. The dd is 16 not a child and as such old enough to know all this. Even my 7 year old gets it that we don't go in to each other's rooms and help ourselves.

Totally get why you feel upset about this. Similar position as you. ..lone parent, f/t job and no support from ex. My kids have done this. ..gone into my room and helped themselves to my things even when they know it's been a gift or bday present. I have to hide things now if u want them to remain unpilfered.

They also think I'm overreacting when I've gone off on one. Doesn't seem to be any respect for others property even though they weren't bought up that way.

YANBU

Lock your bedroom door. I'm sorry you have to.

And/or take something of hers away for a week.

It isn't about the OP sharing her chocolate but even if it was why the fuck should she?
At 16 she's more than aware that taking things from your room is not acceptable, I'd have been pissed off too.

YANBU.

I admit that I used to consider any chocolate my parents owned to be free for the taking, as parents usually buy food for the whole household, and that's what a child gets used to, but considering that it already happened once, and you explained why you were upset, she knew better.

But the interesting question for me is why you receive a gift of chocolates and a) don't offer to share them and b) put them in your room?

What on earth is wrong with doing that penggwn?

There's no rule that says you have to share a gift especially one you worked hard for, why shouldn't the op have something for herself and put in her bedroom? What a strange comment?

I'd also be making sure I hid any future chocs where she can't find them

I'm on the fence. From when my kids were little and one went to a party and the other didn't, they'd share the cake in the party bag. Likewise if a box of chocolates comes into our house, we would each assume that 1/4 share would be fine for us to eat. If I saw dh bringing choc home, I'd eat a quarter without a second thought. If I got choc as a present, I'd not be upset if kids ate 1/4 each.

Did she used to share her Easter eggs? I'm guessing not.
Did she used to share her chocolate from Santa? I'm guessing not.

YANBU. A gift is a gift and family chocolate is family chocolate.

Oh and just to add no chocolates or food in bedrooms in my house. So all in kitchen (got no dining room).

Hide them or put a lock on your door. They are your treat that you worked hard for. I wouldn't help myself to DS's treats without asking and he wouldn't do it to me.

OP, she's old enough to know better, imagine if you went into her room, and helped yourself, world war three !
Please put a lock on your door, entitled little madam.😡

We live in a house where we share, I can not understand why you would lock chocolate in your bedroom? You are a family, what you have you share and divide, I'm glad you gave nothing much to worry about or get cross over than your daughter 'stealing' chocolate you must be in a very privileged position.