Or ... as Dd1 thinks, over-reacting?

[NewYearNewLife53]

So, I work really really hard in quite a stressful job. Recently had to shift careers later in life due to separation from (d)h. Work full time and have pretty much fulltime responsibility for dd1(16) and dd2(12).

A few months ago, a friend, recognising how hard I worked, how I got such little time for me, etc, treated me to a lovely box of chocolates. Few days later I came home to fond half of them had disappeared (they were in my bedroom). Dd1 had gone into my room and helped herself. I was a bit upset - not cause of the chocolates per se but that she'd taken something of mine that had been a gift for me (she knew this). I explained my upset. Next day she said sorry and bought me some chocolates. Okay - all forgotten.

Two days ago, I was bought chocolates again (it was to celebrate an achievement). Returned home from work thjs evening to find dd1 bad been at it again! Granted, it was just the one chocolate but yet again, had entered my bedroom, saw the present and helped herself.

I was really upset. Look, it's not the chocolate (if she's asked, O'd happily have given her some). It's the lack of respect for my gift, for all that I do which had been recognised by the giver, for her 'couldn't give a toss' attitude that she'd upset me first time around and did it again. She's 16 - not 6.

AIBU? When I verbalised my annoyance this time, she rolled her eyes as though I was making a mountain out if a molehill. I work so hard, had to retrain in an entirely different area in my 50s to pay for holidays and clothes and activities for the 2 kids as a single parent. I thought I'd brought her up not to steal, not to take something that didn't belong to her; to recognise others and their space- to respect that.

AIBU?

They went in my room as they were a special box of chocolates, a gift and something I might have chosen to share later. But that would have been my choice - not hers.

Yes, she gets a monthly allowance. I work hard so I can give her that. My disappointment is probably partly geared by me thinking she'd reached an age whereby she could respect that (even just a little) - but perhaps it's just too much to expect at 16.

I think this thread has made me see that whilst I thought that I was doing okay (and it has been hard - really hard - these last few years); that I was holding everything together in retraining and getting a job; that I was doing my upmost to try and ensure the kids were/are okay, that, underneath, I'm still fragile in taking her actions to heart so much, of letting it affect me disproportionately.

She's just brought me a cup of tea in bed - which was lovely and unexpected - and not something she ever does. We had a quiet chat about it all.

Thanks for all your posts. Onward and upwards, onward and upwards ...

The first time - yes, taking your special gift was wrong. She was right to apologise and to buy more.
The second time - one chocolate, no great (it seems) emotional significance? I couldn't get bothered about it. Is your annoyance maybe a hangover from the first occasion? Or are there other issues? You sound quite tense and ready to instill emotional significance into quite small things. Not a criticism, it's understandable if you aren't finding everything easy right now. But be careful not to let any general tension you are feeling affect your relationship with your kids.

For birthdays and christmas from now on, include a box of choices as a gift, but always with a few missing
mwahahahahahah

*chocolates

She's untrustworthy and greedy. That's it.

Good that she's brought you tea and you've had a chat. Hope you can get it sorts OP.

So glad she made you that cup of tea and you have had a chat.

Dont be to harsh on yourself or on her. Be kind to eachother, its been a stressful time for you all.

Cross posted - glad things are a bit better.

Glad things are better.

I'll stick my oar in and say that you work your backside off to provide for a family, so do I. Your kids take it as given, because you're their rock, as mine do. You're in a single parent situation you didn't want, as am I. With less input from the ex than you deserve. As a I.

We are constantly knackered from spinning all the plates and feel undervalued. When someone gives us a gift we are so grateful, because we feel valued. That gift is 'ours' because it represents someone taking the time to care.

Your DD didn't do anything bad, but she reinforced your feeling of being taken for granted. I call it 'good old mum' syndrome.

Force yourself to prioritise yourself more. Treat yourself to a box of chocs, run a bubble bath, lock the door, and enjoy the lot.

If this was me I would put a lock on the door and if she questions it, explain why. You are entitled to your own nice things and you need to establish boundaries. It's not acceptable to go into someone's room and just take things. If she doesn't learn this from you, she may learn the hard way at Uni or in a house share situation. I had a roommate at Uni who was also a housemate in the second year. She helped herself to sweets, biscuits, alcohol and justified it by explaining she had a "craving" for whatever she had taken. We were all disgusted at her greed and ended up saying what we thought.

Glad she has brought you a peace offering, and that you have had a chance to talk about it.

The bit about sharing being conflated with helping ones self is a great puzzle to me. I absolutely get the idea of putting something aside so that you get to choose when (and if) it is shared. The helping ones self robs you of that opportunity.

If helping ones self was ok, where would it end? Opening gifts intended as Christmas or birthday gifts, ahead of time, because we are 'a family'.

Sharing of one's free will is one thing. Having generosity dictated to you is quite another.

Op, is there something else going on with you? You mention repeatedly how hard life has been, how hard you work, how you had to retrain, and you go on to mention that the chocolates are for you to carve out alone time and pleasure for yourself hence why you don't share and keep them in your room.

Are you happy? For most of us, we would be given chocolates and immediately share and offer them round, pleasure would be sitting watching a cheesy movie with the kids and scoffing them. You want to sit in your room alone and eat them, away from your kids, not offering to share. Your daughter clearly wants a treat too, so she is taking one, maybe she's making a point, that they need treats too.

As said befor if you have had it hard, then the likely hood is so have they. I just think the chocolate is irrelevant, maybe there is a deeper unhappiness there that has led to behaving and feeling like this over some chocolate?

Also - sorry to be blunt - it comes across quite strongly that you have a degree of resentment about that

Yes, this is what I was picking up on too.

Did she used to share her Easter eggs? I'm guessing not.
Did she used to share her chocolate from Santa? I'm guessing not

Actually mine share everything. DD would even share her pocket money with her db as she didn't feel right me giving her more because she was older

If I get gifts they are for the family to enjoy. I wouldnt feel right keeping something just for me.

We also don't have this thing people have about rooms . if ds falls asleep watching TV in my room I will sleep in his.
The only room that doesn't change is DPS as he is ill

Glad things are better today op. And yes, you were mistaken to think you're doing ok, because you're doing more than ok. Managing, and being a good parent doesn't mean always being perfect and never finding things tough. It's about realising when things might not be ideal, or when with hindsight you might see another perspective and learning from it.

Thanks Cary2012 and Lurked. Much appreciated sentiments.

Yanbu op, I'm a single Mum and know exactly how you feel. Sometimes you just need a little treat just for yourself.. and your room is your space! DS2 16 had been known to do similar to this... really pisses me off!

There is nothing wrong with wanting your own things and your own space.

Glad things are a bit better today OP.

It's not the value of what she took that matters it's that fact that she took your things without asking. I always share sweets and stuff with my DD(7) but I would be cross if she took them without asking. By the same token I wouldn't take sweets that were bought for her without checking it's ok. Its a respect issue. I think you are reasonable to be annoyed.

Why is the op wanting some alone time with some nice chocolates weird? Why is it it wrong to so many posters? Not everyone wants to sit around wth their rare treat and share it while watching a movie, plus the op has already said they have money and cupboards full of food and treats, so why is it so wrong for her to want some space to herself to enjoy her own treat?

Didn't realise becoming a mum means having fuck all to yourself and bowing down to everyone else's wants and needs.

OP I think you are doing great, too.
You should be able to have it understood that your room is your sanctuary - as DDs could be, too if she will take responsibility for cleaning it up! - you don't go in unless invited, and anything in there is not for public use. What if the chocs had been a gift for someone else and she'd still opened them?
As a parent, sometimes if you DO sweat the small stuff, the big stuff doesn't happen. Because they get the message earlier.

op not just a sentiment, a fact

I'm sure you'd tell someone recently new to parenting that their toddler doing something naughty, or them not being super parent who is effortlessly perfect at all times is no reflection on their ability to cope. So as someone who has lone parented longer I'm just doing exactly the same thing.

Pengggwyn - you are placing too much importance on the fact it was chocolate.
Would you understand if the OP had been given a nice new top as a present, and the dd had gone in her room and then worn it out before the OP had even worn it ?
I'm happy to lend my dds a cardi or pair of shoes or whatever, but I would not be impressed if they wore my new gift before I had and without asking. The chocolates is the same thing - it's not about there being a chocolate missing per se, it is about the fact that this was something special that had been given to the OP as a treat, that she then did not have the chance to choose share when she would have like to. Having them in her room isn't some weird hoarding thing it is separating the general 'food in the kitchen which is obviously free to all' from 'a gift given to op personally'. Or, it could just have been in her work bag and got carried upstairs when she came in.

Sharing because it's expected of you isn't sharing. It's communism. Forced "sharing" creates a culture where people feel the need to squirrel things away, lest they be TAKEN away and given to someone else under the guise of "sharing".

True sharing comes when people are secure in their own possessions enough that they WANT to share.

And theft is theft. Everyone saying "why didn't you just share" is missing the point spectacularly. OP has said that she couldn't have eaten them all herself even if she'd wanted to. The point here is not that she was refusing to give the children any, it's that instead of asking, or waiting for them to be shared, DD1 has walked in and helped herself. This is not sharing, it is theft.

If it were me, I would make the point that had you been asked/given the chance you would have shared, but because she opted to be a thief, she now gets nothing. Share them with the child who did not steal from you, if the spirit moves you. Make the distinction between what DD2 did (respecting each other's property and being shared with), and what DD1 did (being a thief and forfeiting the right to expect to be shared with).

And before anyone piles on me to tell me how harsh and vindictive I am sounding, I would point out that it's better she learns the difference between "sharing" and "thieving" now, at home, over something as simple as a couple of chocs, than when she tries it with someone who loves her less than her mother does and she has to face some real consequences.