Or ... as Dd1 thinks, over-reacting?

[NewYearNewLife53]

So, I work really really hard in quite a stressful job. Recently had to shift careers later in life due to separation from (d)h. Work full time and have pretty much fulltime responsibility for dd1(16) and dd2(12).

A few months ago, a friend, recognising how hard I worked, how I got such little time for me, etc, treated me to a lovely box of chocolates. Few days later I came home to fond half of them had disappeared (they were in my bedroom). Dd1 had gone into my room and helped herself. I was a bit upset - not cause of the chocolates per se but that she'd taken something of mine that had been a gift for me (she knew this). I explained my upset. Next day she said sorry and bought me some chocolates. Okay - all forgotten.

Two days ago, I was bought chocolates again (it was to celebrate an achievement). Returned home from work thjs evening to find dd1 bad been at it again! Granted, it was just the one chocolate but yet again, had entered my bedroom, saw the present and helped herself.

I was really upset. Look, it's not the chocolate (if she's asked, O'd happily have given her some). It's the lack of respect for my gift, for all that I do which had been recognised by the giver, for her 'couldn't give a toss' attitude that she'd upset me first time around and did it again. She's 16 - not 6.

AIBU? When I verbalised my annoyance this time, she rolled her eyes as though I was making a mountain out if a molehill. I work so hard, had to retrain in an entirely different area in my 50s to pay for holidays and clothes and activities for the 2 kids as a single parent. I thought I'd brought her up not to steal, not to take something that didn't belong to her; to recognise others and their space- to respect that.

AIBU?

Quiet disappointment probably would have been more effective at her age.

The thing with 16yos is, you want them to start thinking of you (and other adults) as individuals, like herself, people who need a bit of private space just like her, and who might enjoy a private possession just like her. So yes, probably better to express disappointment like you would have done if your mother had popped round and helped herself without asking.

Don't quite get the posters who are effectively saying "how can you be so mean as to want to keep your chocolate to yourself but of course makeup would be different?" Who decides that makeup is different from chocolate? They are both non-essential treats.

I find the concept of all chocolates being communal to be utterly bizarre!

We all share most of our goodies but only when they are offered because you can only share things that you own. Sharing things you don't own is bloody rude.
My teenagers would not do this.

Dd & I share lots, neither of us have a sweet tooth so chocolates would automatically be communal, but despite that we always ask, or wait for the other to say help yourself whenever. So I do agree it is disrespectful on the second occasion.

However reading into it, I get the impression it's more about her actions demonstrating she doesn't really appreciate your recent struggles to keep things together. And I don't think that's entirely fair. I know it's not easy for you op, but I don't think at 16 she should get 'extra' blame or have to demonstrate more gratitude/respect because of that. There's time for all that when she's older and really understands exactly how tough it must have been for you. But imo at 16 it's ok to sometimes be a bit selfish/irresponsible/do daft teen stuff without considering your mothers adult problems.

My dd is 13, and she appreciates what I do for her, but not really in the context of the fact it has sometimes been really tough being a lone parent. And I don't want her to be especially grateful I still do everything she needs despite that, it's not her problem.

yes, quiet disappointment coupled with a talk about how you want to make sure she will be a kind thoughtful independent person when living on her own might have worked better.

OP, I was really upset at some of the replies which seemed to make you the selfish one - you are not. Absolutely not. You are taking a lot of responsibility on board and it is absolutely fine to keep some chocolate for yourself (I actually can't imagine the households where you can't keep a bar of chocolate for yourself but I'm sure they manage to be happy).

That said, teens are teens. They really can be so self-centered. It doesn't mean that is how they will be as adults. But they will be if you don't point it out to them. I have 3 teens and I love them, have a great time with them, and still really dislike them at times.

YANBU at all - your dd is.
You do not go into someone else's bedroom and take something - whatever it is.
You do not take or use (or in this case eat) a gift that has been given to someone else.
As you say, it's not about the chocolates per se its about her complete lack of respect for boundaries.

I was on the fence on this as we share in our family, even 'special chocolates' but she should wait until opened and then offered, not just snaffle some (or 1) on her own.

I think it's the expectation that she can open them and not care which is disrespectful.

I think it's really petty and pathetic to firstly hide food away in your room, and then to make such a disproportionate fuss over one single chocolate.

I'm a single parent and have been for 10 years, I've always worked ft and never had the luxury of doing otherwise. I've also got 2 teens of my own. I am far from a perfect parent, but I do know that it's not worth sweating the small stuff. My kids are far from perfect but I've never had to worry about drugs, alcohol, vandalism etc, so if occasionally they eat, drink or borrow something of mine, I don't get too upset about it because in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal.

I'd ban her from your room for a while. It's not about the chocolate as such, it's about going into someone else's space and taking something of theirs.

We're a mostly sharing family. Most of the time whatever treats someone has gets shared in the living room. Everyone now and again someone gets something for themselves (DD1 stocks up on Creme eggs when they are out) and it's no more for sharing than the clothes/make up/dvds they get themselves - i.e. Only for sharing when the owner says so.

My ds ate my last bag of sunbites last week..and lied and didn't even bother remove the evidence to support his lie..I was fuming really wanted them,at least you had some left I had nothing.

I think it's really petty and pathetic to firstly hide food away in your room, and then to make such a disproportionate fuss over one single chocolate.

God would you just read the actual thread.

She didn't hide food away. She put a box of chocolates in her room. So she and her family could eat them later, A box of chocolates a friend had given her specifically as a treat for herself. Her daughter ate half of them without asking permission - like she went into her mother's room and helped herself to her mother's stuff, knowing her mother wouldn't want her to do it. And then after her mum explained that she didn't like this, she did it again. It isn''t one single chocolate.

I really hope many of the posters on this thread don't actually have teens and this is why they are all communist /socialist about chocolate and personal space and personal property. Because if your parents don't teach you that it isn't ok to go into someone else's room and take their stuff, who will? And who will want to live with those teens who think a house is just a big free for all in college or uni or work shares?

I wonder OP if you have had a tough couple of years, any chance your dd1 has too?

Teenage years are hard, you have my sympathy. My dd was naughtier than yours!

This would make me mad on so many levels. You sacrifice such a lot for your kids and they treat you like a door mat. This kind of behaviour makes my DH want to shoot my kids and makes me want to shoot his. They all take us for granted. But some noticeably more than others.

I'm struggling with this one to be honest. I can't imagine not sharing any chocolate with my daughter or being so upset she had one chocolate and then punishing her for it. I get it was th principle, but for me this is a very very minor misdemeanour at best.

I think the poster who asked if your daughter has also had a tough time is spot on. I see lots of how hard it's been for you, often when it's hard for the parent it's also hard for th child, it impacts.

However to be clear, if she knows how you feel about your chocolate she shouldn't have taken one, no.

It's wrong of her to steal. Have a kind but firm chat with her.

But at the same time, if I get a box of chocolates I always put them out in the living room and say "help yourself". After taking two of my favourite ones out of course .

She had ONE chocolate? Sorry I thought she had eaten the lot. FFS!

To those who have focused on the 'one' chocolate thing, yes - it was just the one, but ... last time, it started with just one too at first. The next day, another was taken, and the day after that, a further one. So it was kind of surreptitious stealing. I suspect this 'taking by stealth' might well have happened again this time around. She thought, once again, I might not notice - and even if I did, didn't care enough if she got found out.

I don't like the idea of locks on bedroom doors. I think children should be able to learn to respect boundaries without these - but I'm now at a loss, having failed again, about how to teach her that this is unacceptable. Last time, she replaced the chocolates with her own money and apologised - which is partly why I thought she'd taken it on board. I have no idea how to impress on her further that I don't consider it acceptable to enter my bedroom and just help herself.

Op you think shr did it tonprove a point or because she doesnt care.

Forget the chocolate. Concentrate on that. Is it typical teen type behaviour it is something bothering her.

Life is difficult for you and stressful. I cant imagine the last few years have been a walk in the park for her. I would try and unpick the reasons behind this.

I'll confess something. I used to take money from my mum's purse, and sometimes from my dad's pocket, for a time, when I was 16. Usually a few pounds, sometimes a £5 or £10 if there was a bunch of notes there.

I guess I just needed bits of money for things, but money was tight for them and I was probably worried to ask and they would say no. Or they'd ask what it was for and I'd have to confess - 10 Consulate and a bottle of cider! I had a part-time job as well. I know I should have asked and not stolen, and I knew it then. I don't know if my mum knew or worked it out, but not long after then she started giving me the child benefit money straight to me as pocket money - about £10 a week. I didn't really have pocket money before then (the idea was that they would buy me stuff when I need it, but probably not 10 Consulate ). Anyway I stopped stealing. I'm not an international criminal mastermind and I hope am a trusted and honest person, with a great relationship with my parents, and I gave up smoking in my 20s. I was never very good at it tbh, it always made me ill I did have some cider last night come to think of it, but it was two 330ml cans of notDiamondWhite, safe to say.

There is a point in this anecdote somewhere, probably to say the situation can be probably be managed with kindness, and a lot more chocolate.

elfin, you're probably right. The telling off approach doesn't seem to have worked from last time.

DD is being unreasonable.

Putting something in your bedroom does not mean it's being hidden. Why jump to that conclusion. Unless I missed it op hasn't said she put he chocolates under a pile of clothes in the bottom of the wardrobe and covered them with shoes.

What's wrong with having something of yours in your own bedroom?

For me reading the OP the actual chocolates are a red herring. This is about lack of respect and boundary pushing. New is trying to cope with divorce and being forced in to lone parenting, possibly against her wishes. At the same time DD is trying to process and work through her DF leaving and all the emotions that stirs up. DD sounds angry and frightened and is lashing out at her DM.