Or ... as Dd1 thinks, over-reacting?

[NewYearNewLife53]

So, I work really really hard in quite a stressful job. Recently had to shift careers later in life due to separation from (d)h. Work full time and have pretty much fulltime responsibility for dd1(16) and dd2(12).

A few months ago, a friend, recognising how hard I worked, how I got such little time for me, etc, treated me to a lovely box of chocolates. Few days later I came home to fond half of them had disappeared (they were in my bedroom). Dd1 had gone into my room and helped herself. I was a bit upset - not cause of the chocolates per se but that she'd taken something of mine that had been a gift for me (she knew this). I explained my upset. Next day she said sorry and bought me some chocolates. Okay - all forgotten.

Two days ago, I was bought chocolates again (it was to celebrate an achievement). Returned home from work thjs evening to find dd1 bad been at it again! Granted, it was just the one chocolate but yet again, had entered my bedroom, saw the present and helped herself.

I was really upset. Look, it's not the chocolate (if she's asked, O'd happily have given her some). It's the lack of respect for my gift, for all that I do which had been recognised by the giver, for her 'couldn't give a toss' attitude that she'd upset me first time around and did it again. She's 16 - not 6.

AIBU? When I verbalised my annoyance this time, she rolled her eyes as though I was making a mountain out if a molehill. I work so hard, had to retrain in an entirely different area in my 50s to pay for holidays and clothes and activities for the 2 kids as a single parent. I thought I'd brought her up not to steal, not to take something that didn't belong to her; to recognise others and their space- to respect that.

AIBU?

I don't think it's a big deal. You're all family. All this 'my achievement, my chocolate' stuff is petty & will eventually just ruin your relationship. Learn to chill out and share your goodies.

So if the daughter gets a prize of a box of chocolates in school and puts them in her room it is ok for the mum to go in and help herself to some of them? I'd say your response to that would be to tell the mum her lack of boundaries will eventually just ruin her relationship. Or is it just mothers who are bound to share everything and are petty if they don't.

OP tell her plainly that you work hard, have a lot of responsibility, and it is ok for you to want to keep your own things for yourself and she should have more respect for you. But I wouldn't worry too much about it - all part of life's rich tapesty with teens.

Your daughter stole your chocolate either because she has no self control or through lack of respect.
YANBU.

I came from a family who would have polished off the entire box so you have a choice hide the choccies or accept that you have very large "mice".

The chocolates weren't taken in the spirit of sharing. I give so much - and that is part of being a parent but I'm also a person. She knew they were not hers. Other chocolates have been placed in the kitchen - the kids could help themselves. But going into my bedroom where they were kept ... placing them there communicates a message that these ones were different.

Can your children help themselves to any of your possessions or gifts? Special perfume? Expensive make-up?

As a single parent on a not very good wage, I'm far from privileged. Aren't we supposed to be teaching our kids about boundaries?

I can understand you are at the end of your tether and exhausted, and I sympathise with that. But on this particular issue I think YABU and quite petty. It seems pretty miserable in a family to lock your chocolate away in your room, and to be "really upset" that your own daughter took ONE chocolate! I would totally assume that a box of chocolates, whether given to me or to DCs or DH etc was to share as it's that kind of a gift. And all this "I worked hard for it so it's mine" just seems a bit unpleasant in the context of a family. Especially as presumably your DDs have had a hard time recently with the separation from their Dad as well.

Sharing absolutely everything is nice if it works for that particular household, but it's not the one true way. It's perfectly normal to have your own belongings that you will quite possibly share if asked but don't expect people to just grab without asking. Just because it's food doesn't make it a communal resource. It's special food that was given as a gift, not the family pack of shredded wheat.

You are a family, what you have you share and divide, I'm glad you gave nothing much to worry about or get cross over than your daughter 'stealing' chocolate you must be in a very privileged position.

jesus. My children are actually allowed to have their own possessions - including food that they consider a treat.

Rule number one with teenagers: save your fire for the really serious things. If you fuss over small things you will not be taken seriously over the big things.

Let this wash by - it is just family life.

Gosh. Why don't you just share?

Seems really odd to me that an adult would stash their own chocolate in their room.

So if the daughter gets a prize of a box of chocolates in school and puts them in her room it is ok for the mum to go in and help herself to some of them? I'd say your response to that would be to tell the mum her lack of boundaries will eventually just ruin her relationship. Or is it just mothers who are bound to share everything and are petty if they don't.

Yes I would expect the daughter to share the chocolates she got as a prize as much as I would the mother. Keeping a whole box of chocolates in your room to make sure your own family don't have any is a bit weird and sad IMO.

You stated your boundaries before; she knew it wasn't right. There's more going on than chocolate here. Explain how you feel, don't let her off. Then offer her a chocolate 😃

And all this "I worked hard for it so it's mine" just seems a bit unpleasant in the context of a family.

I struggle a bit to get my head round this. It strikes me as plain unhealthy, not being able to say 'mine' just because you have a family.

I mean I'm not the OP, but as a mum I have spent years working my arse off for my kids, got up from sleep thousands of times, dealt with any number of bodily fluids, put my own troubles aside to listen to theirs, given them the lion's share of any nice things we had, dragged myself out in various states of ill health to get them to activities, spent my spare money on them rather than me... I'm not saying that's some heroic feat out of the ordinary, it's just parenting. But if I achieve something outside the family and get given a small present in recognition, am I seriously not meant to consider it mine just because I have children? Do they get dibs on everything?

Yes I would expect the daughter to share the chocolates she got as a prize as much as I would the mother.

And if she didn't. Or delayed opening them, you think it would be ok for the mother to go into her room and take one?

But if I achieve something outside the family and get given a small present in recognition, am I seriously not meant to consider it mine just because I have children? Do they get dibs on everything?

No- of course not. We all have our own possessions even when we live in a family. But a box of chocolates (and other food too) doesn't feel like a possession as such IMO and more as something you would share. For eg- my DS won a cake in a school raffle recently. I would have thought it was v odd for him to keep it in his room and eat it all himself over the course of a week, and expected him to share it with the family at tea time, and I think chocolates are similar. But even if you think differently And to accuse your own daughter of stealing, and label her as a thief with no respect or boundaries immoral for taking ONE chocolate from a box belonging to her mum just seems crazy IMO.

Well I recently withheld £20 of ds1 (15) monthly allowance to compensate me for the fourth set of earphones of mine he's helped himself to then broken or lost, despite me telling him to keep his sticky mitts off them.
No sympathy. Yanbu.

So, I work really really hard in quite a stressful job. Recently had to shift careers later in life due to separation from (d)h. Work full time and have pretty much fulltime responsibility for dd1(16) and dd2(12). A few months ago, a friend, recognising how hard I worked, how I got such little time for me, etc, treated me to a lovely box of chocolates.

Some of the response on this thread are actually making me feel sad for the OP. This is her life as described above. She doesn't have a partner coming home saying "you're great all you do for us" or saying "I got us a takeaway because I know you are tired. She does it all herself. She doesn't get to share the load. She has had a stressful time retraining in her 50s. A friend gave her a present to acknowledge this and she is being told by other women on here that she is selfish for keeping it in her room and unreasonable to expect her daughter not to come into her space and help herself to her present.

Just how little should a single parent expect out of life if she can't even have a box of chocolates to herself without being told she is mean and will "ruin your relationship" with her children???

Last time she ate half the box (which she replaced); this time she only took one. I'd consider that progress! .

It's not ideal that she goes in to your room and takes something without permission, but, fwiw, I don't think this is really about the chocolate. The chocolate has taken on huge importance for you op because it represents a special reward and treat; something just for you, when you have had to give up so much for your children; without much support from your ex by the sound of it, retraining late in life etc etc, with no praise or thanks from anyone. And of course teens, by their very nature, are generally not particularly appreciative of these things (even when they should be!). Your sixteen year old will not fully understand the significance of the chocolate; she'll have just fancied something moreish to eat!

At the risk of sounding like an amateur psychologist, maybe treat this as a cue that you need to take some time out for yourself once a week ( easier said than done I am sure) in order to give yourself a break.

And to accuse your own daughter of stealing, and label her as a thief with no respect or boundaries immoral for taking ONE chocolate from a box belonging to her mum just seems crazy IMO.

Yeah, but this is after the daughter had taken half a previous box of chocolates, been taken to task and apologised. Doing it again when she knew it upset her mum before is pretty obnoxious. I wouldn't mind one chocolate missing without that history, but in the context it's just disrespectful IMO.

I also don't really agree that chocolate is automatically sharing food. Cake I would expect to share round, if only because most people couldn't scoff a whole cake before it dried out! Chocolates I would pick at over several days, and I would offer the box round a few times, but I wouldn't expect to split them equally between everyone. Especially since if I did the kids would nab all the nice ones and I'd be left with the minging Turkish Delight.

out of interest, would people think the same if it was a DH who had the chocolates? ie- if my DH got some chocolates as a gift from work, would it be normal behavior for him to hide them, not offer them around to anyone, and be furious and call me a thief if I took one? I'd think that was pretty dysfunctional.

Agree with pp who said that this isn't really about the chocolates though. OP Is obviously feeling exhausted and under appreciated and that's a horrible feeling, so much sympathy there.

We always share in this house, kids share Easter eggs, cake, party bags. I don't think I could ever accept a box of chocolates and not share them.
It's chocolates OP, save the battle for when she's taking money, or clothes, or makeup.

I think it is a bit much...

I know parents whose kids have taken their credit cards, take their alcohol and damaged their property when away. 16 is a tough age and what she did maybe was a bit unreasonable but really not that bad.

Of course, it's the principle. But I think the fact her "stepping out of line" is taking one chocolate shows she's really not that bad!! Of course, things are different in every family but that's my thoughts.

In families where one person's chocolates are fair game for everyone else what's the reward for hard work and effort?

I feel really sorry for the poor children who do well at school or wherever, bring their hard won chocolates home and everyone else just helps themselves - is that what really happens? What does that teach a child?

If they prize was £50 would you expect that to be shared too?

I really find that attitude bizzare, I would never dream of helping myself to anyone else's stuff without asking and wouldn't expect them to do it to mine

You could remind her that in a couple of years she might end up living in a house share, and she will find that her housemates are extremely unimpressed if she goes into their rooms whilst they are out and uses up their things...

I think you're over reacting but I know I'm in a minority.

However it's no bad thing for DD to understand people feel differently about these things. In other words, you're entitled to 'overreact'.

Blimey I never realised our family was so weird by MN standards. Anything given to one person belongs to them. I would go ballistic if DH or the kids helped themselves to my chocolate or DD borrowed my makeup without asking - not that they would because they know better. Nor would I ever expect anyone to share their own chocolate or anything else.

DHs Father's Day chocolate is still sat on the mantle piece untouched by anyone. DS got given some chocolate by his manager last week, he gave them to me and I stuck them on the shelf. They're still there. I might share them out at some point or I might scoff the lot. Either way, they're mine and I don't expect anyone else to help themselves. It's just common courtesy.

Where do you draw the line between chocolate and £20 out of your purse or the gold necklace granny left you?

Yanbu, mine would never do that, they would say "hey mum, are you going to get that chocolate opened" but they would never help themselves. I thought exactly the same as the first response, help yourself to her makeup and see how that's goes down.