Or ... as Dd1 thinks, over-reacting?

[NewYearNewLife53]

So, I work really really hard in quite a stressful job. Recently had to shift careers later in life due to separation from (d)h. Work full time and have pretty much fulltime responsibility for dd1(16) and dd2(12).

A few months ago, a friend, recognising how hard I worked, how I got such little time for me, etc, treated me to a lovely box of chocolates. Few days later I came home to fond half of them had disappeared (they were in my bedroom). Dd1 had gone into my room and helped herself. I was a bit upset - not cause of the chocolates per se but that she'd taken something of mine that had been a gift for me (she knew this). I explained my upset. Next day she said sorry and bought me some chocolates. Okay - all forgotten.

Two days ago, I was bought chocolates again (it was to celebrate an achievement). Returned home from work thjs evening to find dd1 bad been at it again! Granted, it was just the one chocolate but yet again, had entered my bedroom, saw the present and helped herself.

I was really upset. Look, it's not the chocolate (if she's asked, O'd happily have given her some). It's the lack of respect for my gift, for all that I do which had been recognised by the giver, for her 'couldn't give a toss' attitude that she'd upset me first time around and did it again. She's 16 - not 6.

AIBU? When I verbalised my annoyance this time, she rolled her eyes as though I was making a mountain out if a molehill. I work so hard, had to retrain in an entirely different area in my 50s to pay for holidays and clothes and activities for the 2 kids as a single parent. I thought I'd brought her up not to steal, not to take something that didn't belong to her; to recognise others and their space- to respect that.

AIBU?

There are two issues here.

1. What the chocolates symbolise: recognition and appreciation, when you don't have a lot of that in your life. Something to look at and smile and think,hey I'm not doing too bad and people do see that. They do see me.

That has been replaced with "my kid will just waltz into my room and help herself to whatever she wants." To a 16 yo it might not occur that change of perception and how her actions affected you,but that doesn't change anything.

1. You had a talk about this once. Explained everything,she knows you were upset and why. And then she did it again,knowing what they mean to you. I suspect this is what's really upsetting you the most.

I do not think you are being unreasonable. I would tempted to find her handbag and remove her fave mascara... and when she asks where it is, then say, "I fancied using it, I used it up and it's gone now. And I know you won't make a fuss because it's just like my chocolates... So now do you understand how I felt?"

YANBU I wouldn't have dared have done this.

I had a PT waitressing job from 13 and my mum would make me give my DSIS some of my wages when we would go on holiday I used to despise it! I'd worked so hard for that money!

I will be putting a lock on my bedroom door when my DC become teens mainly because I don't want DDs at my make up or perfume I work hard to buy or have been given as presents they can certainly borrow them if asked before hand

Personally it wouldn't bother me. Everyone wears every one else's clothes in our place

I wore ds'S new trainers the other day. He wears his dad's t. Shirts DD likes to wear her brothers pj bottoms whilst I wore DDS dressing gown. It is a free for all with clothes or anything in the house.

It is a free for all with clothes or anything in the house.

That's fine as that's the way your family works, as long as they understand that it's unlikely to be like that in a house share and they respect other people boundaries.

OP, you weren't unreasonable. My son did things like that, despite me telling him why it was wrong. I lost count of the number of times I'd had a drink or some chocolate in the fridge, waiting for when I fancied it, only to find that it was gone when I did want it. It's not as if he didn't have enough treats for himself.

He just didn't seem to "get" it.

It did cause him trouble when he moved out and lived with some friends. He took some money of his friends, intending to pay it back, but without asking. In his eyes, his friend didn't need it right then, but son did, and as he was going to pay it back, it was fine.
As you can guess, his friend wasn't happy about it and son had to move out. Luckily for him, he's been forgiven and is living back with his friend, but I think (at least, I'm hoping) he's learned his lesson.

As others have said, it's about boundaries and respect.

Personally it wouldn't bother me. Everyone wears every one else's clothes in our place

Reminds me of what my Nan used to say "First up, best dressed".

Thing is Kaitlinktm the OP had explained to / reminded her dd that isn't how she felt about it after the first time it happened. What other people might do / think with their possessions, that isn't what the OP feels, and her dd knew that - definitely after the first time, although I suspect almost certainly before the first time as that will be what has always been in their family.

I know @BackforGood - the first line of my post was quoting Oliversmumsarmy, not my own opinion.

I don't live in a household where we all just help ourselves to peoples' stuff.

Rule number one with teenagers: save your fire for the really serious things. If you fuss over small things you will not be taken seriously over the big things.

I don't actually agree. Sometimes 'fussing' over small things ensures that bigger things don't get out of hand. Making a point of letting your teen dd know how this hurts - the lack of respect rather than the missing chocolate - is not fussing over small things but rather building foundations of respect and compassion which will mean she is more careful with bigger things too.

All this forced sharing stuff is a bit odd. People are allowed to celebrate what they've been given. In our family we respect other people's stuff. For instance I had a box of chocs on the side I'd been given months ago but was too ill to eat; no one touched it until I remembered it and gave it them to share. Today dh bought cookies from Costa and left them in the kitchen. Dd saw them and came and asked very politely if she could have one. He said yes of course. It's about respect - not about losing a chocolate or two.

OP Yanbu. Glad things are better and hopefully dd will think about you more next time.

I would be annoyed, I would tell her so and hide them next time!

Oops, sorry Kaitlin - I'm not so good at multi tasking after a glass of wine - I do apologise.

Did your DD go into your room for another reason e.g. hoovering (if she does chores) and take a chocolate or solely to eat the chocolate?

Either way she shouldn't have taken anything as she had clearly been told not to in the past, but they are slightly different.

Id be mighty pissed off too op

In my experience, under the sofas a good place to hide nice sweets/biscuits

Oliver's mum you put'if I get gifts they're for the family's ,that is right up there with being given presents like a hoover, baking trays etc.If I get presents,however small I hope they are for me the person and chosen with s little thought.Ok my dd buys me green and blacks chocolate in her favourite flavours but that doesn't mean she would ever help herself and I would not assume her Easter eggs were for sharing either.We both do share but thank each other too . She's not perfect, she's a teenager.

I asked 4 young teens about this yesterday. And they would all have given her a serious lecture and pretty much removed all privileges and anything you pay for like a phone contract. They were very good at ramping up the punishment so don't beat yourself up. She was wrong and she knows it.

I actually can't believe a thread has been made about a teenager taking a chocolate from your bedroom, it's really not that much of a big deal... it's a bloody chocolate. Words fail me.

I find it really strange that you hid them in your room and didn't share. It wouldn't even register in my head not to offer my family one. I wouldn't give a toss if a child took on chocolate. Maybe if it was the whole box..

Why is it hard to believe? I'd be annoyed, my room is mine my chocolates that are a gift are mine. Why is it seemilingy ok for the ops daughter to steal because it's 'only' chocolate? Seriously confused here.

Does the sharing rule apply for everything you own, or just chocolate?

It's winding me up just reading that people think it's fine to waltz into someone else's room and help yourself to their things, and it's mean and uptight to object. I could not live like that. Generosity doesn't count when it's enforced, it's stifling and leads to resentment.

Reminds me of

Hothead I grew up with a mother who said my house, my rules, my room, my things and it was so claustrophobic. You couldn't move for fear of using too much tread on her carpet ,literally.

I have never asked my children to share they just do it automatically. Maybe because I am not overly concerned with things. Things are meant to be used and enjoyed and eaten by anyone in the family. I couldn't imagine starting an argument over a chocolate. Why would you waste your energies and getting stressed and raising your cortisol levels over a chocolate.

Personally I only have a a few rules. No alcohol, no drugs, if you are out let me know occasionally you are OK and if you need picking up and if you want to trash your room or live in a pigsty then that is up to you. If you don't bring your laundry down and you need something washing you know where the machine is.
Anything else is just unnecessary.

I know I am not like other mothers I work in a very male dominated profession. I don't own a handbag or a purse or makeup or a hair dryer or straighteners. I don't own a microwave or an iron and have only just bought a Hoover. I went years without one. I also don't own cushions, throws, pictures and ornaments.
Also when I am out with friends I find looking at handbags and sniffing candles and perfume incredibly boring

I am that person who gets excited over a crowbar or sledgehammer or using my chop saw.

Oh ffs will you give over with the sanctimonious nonsense. I'm sorry for your childhood traumas but THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.

This is about a child who, after taking things from her mother's room without asking once, was spoken to, professed to understand what she had done wrong (by means of apologizing and attempting to make amends), and then DID IT AGAIN. That's not an accident, that is WILLFUL DISRESPECT AND DEFIANCE.

It's not about "too many rules" (although if you have to have rules, "don't bloody steal from me" should be on the list), it's about sheer bloody barefaced cheek.

"I couldn't imagine starting an argument over a chocolate" the OP didn't START an argument over a chocolate! This is a situation that started with half a bloody BOX of chocolates, and which the OP thought she had rectified with a frank conversation about boundaries and acceptable behavior, only to find that her sneaky, greedy, defiant child had basically given her a big old middle finger and HELPED HERSELF AGAIN.

This child is going to have a harsh awakening when she enters the real world and finds out the hard way that she can't just help herself when she feels like it. And moreover, why the hell should the OP just write it off as "oh, it's only a chocolate"? It's NOT only a chocolate, it's the implicit disregard and disrespect for the OP as a mother and as a person.

You, @Oliversmumsarmy, are welcome to go on playing Mommy Martyr to your own children if that's your wish, but the OP has chosen to set boundaries in her house, and has a right to be angry and hurt when they are so willfully disrespected.

I don't own a microwave or an iron and have only just bought a Hoover.

I don't own an iron, and I can see that straighteners and microwaves are not essential, but I don't understand how you managed without a hoover .

Why am I playing Mommy Martyr when it is the OP who is so upset over chocolate

Are you being ignorant on purpose, or are you just not very good at reading?

The chocolate is not the POINT. The disregard and disrespect is the point.