Or ... as Dd1 thinks, over-reacting?

[NewYearNewLife53]

So, I work really really hard in quite a stressful job. Recently had to shift careers later in life due to separation from (d)h. Work full time and have pretty much fulltime responsibility for dd1(16) and dd2(12).

A few months ago, a friend, recognising how hard I worked, how I got such little time for me, etc, treated me to a lovely box of chocolates. Few days later I came home to fond half of them had disappeared (they were in my bedroom). Dd1 had gone into my room and helped herself. I was a bit upset - not cause of the chocolates per se but that she'd taken something of mine that had been a gift for me (she knew this). I explained my upset. Next day she said sorry and bought me some chocolates. Okay - all forgotten.

Two days ago, I was bought chocolates again (it was to celebrate an achievement). Returned home from work thjs evening to find dd1 bad been at it again! Granted, it was just the one chocolate but yet again, had entered my bedroom, saw the present and helped herself.

I was really upset. Look, it's not the chocolate (if she's asked, O'd happily have given her some). It's the lack of respect for my gift, for all that I do which had been recognised by the giver, for her 'couldn't give a toss' attitude that she'd upset me first time around and did it again. She's 16 - not 6.

AIBU? When I verbalised my annoyance this time, she rolled her eyes as though I was making a mountain out if a molehill. I work so hard, had to retrain in an entirely different area in my 50s to pay for holidays and clothes and activities for the 2 kids as a single parent. I thought I'd brought her up not to steal, not to take something that didn't belong to her; to recognise others and their space- to respect that.

AIBU?

All this talk of sharing is a bit of a red herring. Not all families share things in the same way. There is no right or wrong about it. I have had chocolates which I fully intended to share - but at a time of my choosing - and I have put them away in my room until that time arrived. I would have been incensed if one of my dc had gone into my room (privacy?) and helped themselves. I would want to get the box of chocs out at a special time - when we were watching TV on Friday night or whatever.

I think the main problem is your DD seems to have free access to your bedroom - she should not be touching your things in there in your absence and without your permission. Honestly, I would be tempted to fit a lock - that should make it clear what your boundaries are. Parents should be allowed to have some child-free private space - especially with teens.

Bloody hell, I'd hate to have grown up in some of your households! Not allowed to have anything to yourself because 'families should share'? the chocolates were a gift and sometimes it's nice to have a treat all your own.

OP, YADNBU. Your DD was totally disrespectful and the fact that this was the second time she's done it after being told not to do it is really shite of her. 16 is absolutely old enough to know right from wrong, and what she did was rude and sneaky.

Yab a little bit U. I think you are overreacting. It is annoying but let this one go. If she's 16, she's not gonna really get it. I would have helped myself to mum's chocolates, perfume, anything...sorry. Another 16 yrs later and I see how that must have been very annoying sometimes. Given her age you'll have bigger battles to fight.

Womblingthree - thank goodness you posted, I was beginning to think I was a lone voice

It's chocolates OP, save the battle for when she's taking money, or clothes, or makeup.

I disagree with this. Yeah it's chocolates now. But what about when it DOES become money or other valuables? You let her get away with petty stealing and she is more likely to try her luck with other things. Why let it get that far? Nip it in the bud now. You don't look at your child kicking their sibling and think "nah, save it for the big stuff like booting someone's head in." You stop them before it escalates.

It doesn't matter what it is. Theft is theft. That and it shows a blatant disrespect for her mother and complete lack of consideration.

This is not really about chocolate...it is about respect and boundaries. Everyone in a family needs to know where the edges are and respect each other's possessions. Just as it would be wrong for OP to help herself to her DDs make up etc...it is wrong for DD to help herself to chocolate. The issue here is respect and valuing each other.

My dad and I always take mums chocolates she doesn't like chocolate why would she even have to ask to have some yabu

YANBU

Not one bit.

It's not about 'chocolate'. It doesn't matter what the gift was, it was YOURS. Not hers. She is 16, not 6. She's acting like a very unpleasant little madam, rolling her eyes & giving you attitude.

I'd be making her realise that it's hurtful, nasty & totally unacceptable.

out of interest, would people think the same if it was a DH who had the chocolates? ie- if my DH got some chocolates as a gift from work, would it be normal behavior for him to hide them, not offer them around to anyone, and be furious and call me a thief if I took one?

Yes because men are routinely unappreciated, sacrificing themselves for the family and doing the shitwork all their lives with only small pleasures to look forward to

My DP once ate my special biscuits that I was saving and I was furious; we had plenty of cheap biscuits but oh no, he had to eat the ones I travelled to the other side of London for.

It's not about the food. It's the principle, no one should have their boundaries skated over like that.

if my DH got some chocolates as a gift from work, would it be normal behavior for him to hide them, not offer them around to anyone, and be furious and call me a thief if I took one?

Well, a husband/wife dynamic is not the same as a mother/daughter dynamic. But even so, if my DH got some chocs and was looking forward to them enough to put them away in his own personal space, I still think I'd be a dickhead to just take them. And if he'd already been upset with me for doing it once, I'd be twice the dickhead to do it again.

Obviously it's not the worst thing a teenager has ever done by a long shot. Kids that age are often entitled so-and-sos because they've not got the development or experience to reliably empathise with their parents. She's not thinking about how much the OP needs space for self-care and to feel appreciated, and how these little gifts symbolised that. That doesn't mean she shouldn't be told, though!

Yeah it's chocolates now. But what about when it DOES become money or other valuables? You let her get away with petty stealing and she is more likely to try her luck with other things. Why let it get that far

wow! DH got given some chocolates recently. I helped myself to a couple. It changed everything, and now I'm off to mug my elderly neighbour and steal her pension.

yanbu - she should not have gone into your room and taken them

I take money off my girls allowances to replace stuff of mine

I buy decent shampoo, razors etc for the kids (2 are teens) but I also buy expensive razor blades and hair stuff for me - if they take my stuff I take some of the cost of replacing it from their money

ditto black socks, the last tampons/towels, my face wipes, body lotion etc etc

Attention seeking crap, isn't it?
All my kids understand that personal chocolate stores are sacred.
That might stop them from pinching some, but they full well know this is outrageous.
But still you are an adult & can buy your own chocolate, and it is only food. I say that to keep things in perspective.

How to handle it...

I'd hide my gift chocolate in future for a start!

*might NOT stop them...

Deliverdaniel Didn't you even ask him?

I don't think it's a big deal. You're all family. All this 'my achievement, my chocolate' stuff is petty & will eventually just ruin your relationship. Learn to chill out and share your goodies.

I remember the outrage on here around Easter once when a DH ate all his DCs easter eggs. That's ok with you?

It's not about the chocolate, as some pp have said. It's disrespectful. Just because chocolate was given, why is it ok that the dd has taken some? If it were money or something else, what is the difference? It's made lots worse that she was bollocked last time yet did it again! She's 16, ffs, not 6.

Slightly different tack -- I'd actually be worried about her sneaking sugary food and lying about it from a health point of view.

I took sweets and chocolate from my parents' secret hideaways as a teenager, and have struggled with eating disorders and weight issues my whole life.

I'd see the repeated violation of clearly stated boundaries (your room, your chocolate, lying about taking it) as a potential sign of problem eating.

Fuck right off with the constant sharing of everything. Sneaking into someone's private space and helping yourself isn't sharing.
What happened to the concept of waiting until you are offered whatever it is?

So the present wasn't chocolate, it was a pretty top. It was perfume. It was money.

Still ok to take?

wow! DH got given some chocolates recently. I helped myself to a couple. It changed everything, and now I'm off to mug my elderly neighbour and steal her pension.

Did you sneak into his room when he wasn't there, go through his things to find them, open them and then take them and lie about it when asked? Despite having been asked not to take his things in the past.

No? Then it isn't the same is it?

I didn't really hide them as such, did I?

I put them in my room. Tbh, after last time when I thought she'd grasped the concept of it being unacceptable to take stuff that wasn't hers, it didn't cross my mind to hide them. I thought she'd understood.

Actually, I do think she understood. And here's the rub: she knew and didn't care.

That's the issue. She did it again knowing you would be upset about it.

At 16 she is more than capable of self control, especially if she has access to other chocolate or has cash to buy her own.

Sharing absolutely everything is total bollocks. Family members should be able to choose if they wish to share treats or not.

I asked her to come up with a suitable recompense herself, in the hope of wanting her to take some responsibility for her actions. She hasn't. In the end, I've taken her electronic gear away for the night but I'm now thinking that doesn't really serve any purpose. It just allows her to position herself as hard done by and thereby resist self-reflection on what she's done. And she's got to the age where I can't really carry on doing that I guess. I suppose part of me thought, if she's going to act like a child, she'll be treated like one. But, in truth, am not sure it really gets her to self-reflect like I wang her to. Perhaps I should have just expressed quiet disappointment? It may have been mire effective...

I think YANBU. I don't mind if DP/DCs eat chocolates I have been given - on 2 conditions - they don't open a box and they don't eat the last one without asking. If they did either I would be annoyed. And I leave them out - if I had put them somewhere out of reach and they ate them without asking I would be annoyed too.
Even in families you can have possessions that are yours. Not everything needs to be 'shared'. If you buy yourself a special treat and someone else eats it/uses it you are allowed to be annoyed.
In fact DP has just annoyed me over something similar - I was given a bottled cocktail as a thank you present. Not something I would normally buy, I had it in the fridge chilling and DP asked me about it and I told him it was a present. It had been there a week or so when he told me I should try it - he thought it was disgusting... he had opened it and helped himself. I did wonder if he did like it how much he would have drunk...but it was the fact he had opened it without even asking - if he had asked I would have said he could.

In your case your DD knew that she shouldn't take one - it was a sneaky thing to do and that is what would really annoy me. And I think quiet disappointment might have been the best approach but it is not too late. You can talk to her about it tomorrow - calmly say how it made you feel - you felt disappointed, it was disrespectful etc. And it should have the same effect.