To be resentful of my difficult child?

[SnackSnackEatAndCrave]

I should probably start by saying that deep down I know IABU... and as with all DC rants, tell everyone how much I love DD despite these feelings. But here goes.

DD is 16 months old. She has been described as "tricky" by healthcare professionals since before she was even born. Other adjectives include "strong willed" "difficult" and "a challenge".
She's not exactly naughty, in that she isn't spiteful or particularly disobedient, but she is antisocial and very dramatic when things aren't going her way. We are also having a few issues with her development not being quite where it "should" be for her age.
HV, GP and nursery all say there's no great cause for concern and believe she is NT, just a little slower in some areas and a bit of a diva. But all agree that she is hard work.

The reason I feel resentful of this is because I work unbelievably hard to be a good parent, and I just feel like I get nothing back. This isn't downing anyone else's parenting but I often put so much effort in that I'm exhausted.
I cook healthy meals from scratch, take her to baby groups and activities, practically work for free so she can go to a lovely daycare, limit TV, no sweets, make sure she gets fresh air and exercise, singing and reading, free and structured play, and I've read countless parenting books, ate like a bloody Saint the whole pregnancy and 13 long months of breastfeeding... Sorry that's a ridiculous list of all the advice I've followed desperately, and it has honestly made no difference whatsoever.

All my friends have happy children (obviously not perfect but smiley and on track developmentally), and think I'm mad for all the hard work I put into parenting when DD is still so tricky and I don't see any benefits. And I feel so sad and resentful that we don't have a happy family like other people when I try so hard.

How on earth did 'a healthcare professional' describe your daughter as 'tricky' before she was born? That is absolute bollocks.

She is 16 months old. She's a baby. She cries. So do all the other babies. You are projecting ludicrous accusations about her behaviour on to a baby. A baby cannot be 'naughty' or 'difficult', they are babies.

You're setting youself impossible standards to be 'the perfect parent' based on some Pinterest ideal, and now that your baby still does what babies do, you blame her. Because you did everything 'right' so it must be her fault.

There is no right way to parent. Your efforts are driven by an industry designed to make you feel guilty and spend money.

If you are so scared of 'ruining her', it's time to look at what you're doing right now. Labelling her and then letting her behaviour as a NORMAL baby confirm your accusation.

Don't expect her to 'like' other children until 3, 4 or 5. It is perfectly normal for them not to. Don't expect her to enjoy naptime. Don't expect her to enjoy her relatives - strangers to her - when she wants her mother.

No, motherhood isn't very rewarding. It's pretty dull. The overblown fibs told by magazines and websites, again, just want you to feel guilty and buy stuff when you're not feeling 'fulfilled'.

"...who are raised on wotsits and Netflix running round with smiles on their faces..."

Not having a snob for a parent probably works wonders. Your life would be a lot happier if you stopped aiming for entry into the Middle Class Perfect Parent club.

My 18m old eats Wotsits and is more than familiar with kids YouTube on the iPad and is one of the happiest toddlers you will meet. I'm a lone parent and work full time so don't have time to agonise over every tiny thing.

Sit and watch a Disney film together and just let her be. My son is very easy so I'm struggling to understand how 'difficult' a 16m old can be. Do you let her run wild in the park without other children near?

Try to relax and spend time with her doing fun things,park,swimming toddler groups...don't work for free to put her in childcare,spend every second cherishing her..my guess is she's picking up on your highly strung attitude,your friends are right it dosnt need to be this hard.realx....none of my kids went to pre school.i delighted in every second with them.your daughter is a unique individual who should be celebrated for all her achievements..fuck what anyone else says,I'd be livid if some arsehole had labled my child a diva,difficult,and hard work..fuck that,how dare they..look at her though new eyes....you YOU created this wonderful little girl,she adores you,and you adore her...stop fretting / worrying and just chill together enjoying her company and doing fun things together.....schools are fab at picking up any problems.she will see the right people ,if the the school ...when she gets there ...thinks there are any issues...pls,you really need to change your mindset about your daughter,or this will stay with her for life.

Get her referred to a speech therapist for a proper assessment of her communication
Work on some simple signs makaton watch something special and model signs to her.
Use pictures and photos to show her things and make choices

Frustration can arise if she wants to communicate more than she can but that is also typical toddler
Try signing and pictures to support

I firmly believe that the most important thing for a child is to feel secure and loved. If they eat wotsits and watch Netflix (my dd does both) then whatever. If you're stressed then it's hard to hide the stress and they sense it.

I totally get where you are coming from! My eldest is being diagnosed for ASD and at 3 has lost all his speech. My youngest is 1 and his speech is slow to develop. I often say to my husband that 'I don't get anything back from them'. Really hoping it will improve! Though I do get lots of cuddles.

The last few posts have basically flagged up what my problems are, I think.
I've read all the supportive ones and think "yeah she's going to be okay, I won't break her for life by letting her eat her toast in front of hey duggee for once", I feel positive that other parents understand where I'm coming from with having DCs who are also hard work, and I've acknowledged that my anxiety is pretty intense and have already booked an appointment with my GP this morning...
Then I come to the delightful post from LaArdilla calling me a snob and saying I'm talking bollocks... And I'm trying not to cry because that's all I can focus on now, despite the fact I know it's just aggressive nonsense.
Yes, I do care what other people think. I try not to, and I am very assertive when talking to anyone about my daughter, I will not have her put down, I laugh about her stubborn streak and defend her differences to anyone who brings it up... But that doesn't mean I don't take these horrible views to bed with me every night and wonder where else I'm going wrong.

Maybe this should show you to chill out a bit. You can be the world's most perfect parent and children don't do as you expect them to. You sound a bit highly strung maybe she's just following your example? What were you like as a child? Ask your relatives maybe? I would recommend chilling out a bit, trying to do everything right and just enjoy the fun stuff. Also she's very young, they're supposed to be very difficult (ever heard of the terrible twos?) And I bet your friends children aren't as happy as you see them all the time. I bet they have their own tantrums at home. People just don't shout from the rooftops that their child was a little bugger last night etc etc

I find Mumsnet can be a great place for advice, but also a place where people jump to conclusions over a facetiously-worded sentence and get a bit carried away with armchair psychology.

All these people saying "it's your fault because you're anxious" are talking shit. My children have very similar temperaments and I was SO much more chilled with DC2 (as we all are!).

Lots of people don't have the faintest fucking clue about having a high needs/"difficult" baby, but sure do have a lot of opinions when it comes to slagging off a mother who just wants a bit of solidarity.

MN, AIBU especially, has taken a really nasty turn lately. I wince at malicious comments like LaArdilla's virtually every day. People forget that the anonymity of the internet doesn't give them carte blanche to toss bitchy insults around.

Just to say sympathy for you OP, or rather empathy, because DS was and is exactly like this. I put in a tone of effort, exactly like you and the reward felt like zero. And I thought it was me, until I had DC2 who is a different child altogether. I've just got to keep telling myself that's just how he is, he's got lots of great points, amazing sense of humour etc. I keep working hard to give him a great life and let him lead the way.

I think the way you have responded to LaArdilla post is telling, it was harsh yes but it set out the same things as those around it yet you took it as a personal attack and brushed it off as aggressive nonsense.

I wonder if hen you go out and she behaves like a 16 month old you don't feel the same

Being a good parent is far more straightforward than you think children need love, time, support and boundaries that's it

You've said you care what other people think. Do you care too much? Are you in danger of falling into that trap that so many parents (mothers) do of thinking that their child's behaviour is down to their parenting - there has been another thread on here about the nature/nurture debate.

She is the way she is because she is the way she is. Not because you let her watch TV or don't watch TV. Or feed her chicken nuggets or home cooked goodness.

You are worrying that you will be judged because she is not the perceived perfect child. I remember someone telling me my son was a credit to me when he was about 18 months old. He was just an easy child. We were very lucky, it was nothing to do with us being great parents!

Try not to worry. Stop trying to be perfect - it ain't possible And don't let other people's judgmental attitudes (or fear of them becoming judgmental) bother you. Their kids will not be perfect. They are certainly not perfect parents.

Oh - and the nursery. You get different views from care providers. Some have seen it all and can cope with most things. Others think that anything that deviates from a [perceived "norm" is a pain because it creates more work for them. The kid who does what they are told is much easier to deal with than the kid who has a mind of their own and doesn't!

And I second doing baby signing with her. Some kids are incredibly frustrated before they can talk. Giving them a means of communication can make all the difference.

I think we can safely say that LaArdilla hasn't signed up for the supportive ideal of MN. I doubt she's bothered to read all your posts either, which basically makes her someone who is more interested in the sound of her own voice that actually being helpful or supportive. Ignore her, and those like her.

OP, you sound like a lovely, caring mum who wants the best for your little girl. . You've been given some great advice on here that you've taken on board graciously and enthusiastically. Under the circumstances LaArdilla's post was dickish and aggressive. Ignore it.

Dd was fine when young but between about 4 and 8 she was a nightmare

I did parenting classes and spoke to school but she was an angel at school, it was only when a teacher happened to be in the same shop that i got any sympathy

She ruined countless days out and with out the word of a lie if i could have put her up for adoption i would have done

She is 15 now and a delight, bit dramatic and moody sometimes but very funny, kind generous etc

I hooe it gets better for you OP

I have nothing really useful to say ...only that sometimes it gets better, much, much better

Oh sorry

Should say that she always was generous kind and funny

But it was very hard to see the hours of wonderful child when it was overshadowed by banshee child...who was probably only awful for a few hours a day if that

Thanks for all the baby signing recommendations, we're on a waiting list for a toddler class in our area, and they use some at nursery which I've been trying to carry on at home.
I probably did ask for a bit of aggression posting in AIBU, considering how sensitive I'm feeling at the moment it was a bit stupid in hindsight. I'm usually very strong (funnily enough was also referred to as a diva child!), and I'd never admit to being this vulnerable in real life... The only person who knows I'm frustrated with motherhood is DP, and he's supportive and understanding, but points out that we can't do any more so we just keep plodding on hoping that DD eventually realises life isn't so bad!

All your hard work is not for nothing and of course she will be who she is destined to be. Those are not contradictory statements. Our job as parents is to help our children grow into their best selves. Their best selves.

Please please stop caring what people think. If there are key people in your life who persist in undermining your confidence as a parent (or in any other way for that matter), spend less time with them. Your daughter doesn't need her 'differences' defending, she needs to be loved and accepted fully for whoever she is, every day. Get 'No Matter What' by Debbie Gliori and read on repeat, together. You don't need to be the world's best Mum, just the Mum that is right for your daughter.

Why on earth are you working to send her to daycare if you don't have to?.she is a baby.Daycare is suboptimal/bad for babies and young toddlers.i surprised in all your readinv you haveñt come across that! I am sure you would see a big improvement in her disposition if you quit work and looked after yourself.

I have a 16 month old DD and she is a darling but when she is tired or hungry she can be a diva too. To be honest I thought it was just normal for a 16 month old. Remember they can't fully tell us what is wrong or what they wants, which must be frustrating.

Is she like it all the time?

Sending hugs though because it is hard work !!!

Should probably point out I don't want (or believe in!) a perfect child. I just want to see her happy and maybe a bit more relaxed. It would also be really nice if I knew that all the things I do are actually benefiting her, not just making me sound like a show off to the HV!

This bit interested me, OP - as a dog lover, I see so many lovely dogs out and about whose owners yank their dogs towards them if they see another dog approaching. The dog becomes fearful of other dogs purely because the owner is literally transmitting anxiety down the lead.

You want your little dd to be "happy and relaxed" but to be blunt, you sound miles away from either happy or relaxed. You're literally transmitting your anxiety to your dd.

Have you ever been tested for PND or Generalised Anxiety Disorder? There's no shame in either and I think you could benefit from some help in that area.

WRT to the feeling un-rewarded for your parenting efforts - welcome to Motherhood. 😂 If we were in it for the reward, the pat on the head from the HV, the feeling of self-satisfaction when our immaculate toddler polishes off a lovingly prepared plate of butternut squash, then I'd have given up in despair 18 years ago.

Your baby girl is destined to become herself. Diva, empath, constant chatterer, silent introvert - if she is NT then all the organic meals in the world aren't going to turn her into X down the road. You need to work towards accepting her for exactly who she is, at every phase of her life. Otherwise you open yourself - and your daughter - up to unhappiness and resentment.

Ask your GP to test you for PND and GAD. Get your little one's speech assessed. Work towards being easier on yourself and on her. Realise that parenting is a job where rewards are a bonus, not an expectation. Your dd and her behaviour are not a reflection of you; she's not an extension of you. Relax.

No dont quit work
You need that space and nursery can help with flagging issues and getting support
A good nursery is beneficial

Gosh, you seriously could be me (5 years ago).

Same troubled pregnancy, and I also had a HCP say my baby was trouble before she was born! She could kick so forcefully it would knock me totally off balance.

She was also an over stimulated baby who ruled every moment of the day somehow.

So now she is six and she is still trouble....and I still find myself wondering why she can't be more like everyone else...but then she does something like spontaneously start solving sudoku puzzles, or deciding to just lie on top of me while I'm veging out on the couch and I think, well I wouldn't trade her for anything.

It was bloody soul destroying and tough for a few years there, but there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

things that helped us were, stimulation starvation diet. She just needed a lot of alone time and space. ALOT. We also did baby signing which was a godsend. Finally massage. Sometimes she would de-escalate hugely if I gave her the baby massage I learnt (endlessly).

user since when was daycare bad for babies?! Everything there is geared towards their development and wellbeing. The girls there are trained in childcare and see so many children that they are prepared for anything... It reassures me to know if I'm missing something that DD could or should be doing, that they will pick up on that. It's also good for her to spend time with other children and adults as DP and I will not be having any more babies, and she doesn't have many adults around her regularly to help build her confidence.
Aside from that, it's like baby paradise, with a huge garden, pets, sensory room, climbing frames, more toys than you can shake a stick at, and nursery nurses with endless patience for drinking fake cups of tea.
I work 2 and a half days a week, which is good for both of us. I question almost everything I do as a mum, but not this.