To be resentful of my difficult child?

[SnackSnackEatAndCrave]

I should probably start by saying that deep down I know IABU... and as with all DC rants, tell everyone how much I love DD despite these feelings. But here goes.

DD is 16 months old. She has been described as "tricky" by healthcare professionals since before she was even born. Other adjectives include "strong willed" "difficult" and "a challenge".
She's not exactly naughty, in that she isn't spiteful or particularly disobedient, but she is antisocial and very dramatic when things aren't going her way. We are also having a few issues with her development not being quite where it "should" be for her age.
HV, GP and nursery all say there's no great cause for concern and believe she is NT, just a little slower in some areas and a bit of a diva. But all agree that she is hard work.

The reason I feel resentful of this is because I work unbelievably hard to be a good parent, and I just feel like I get nothing back. This isn't downing anyone else's parenting but I often put so much effort in that I'm exhausted.
I cook healthy meals from scratch, take her to baby groups and activities, practically work for free so she can go to a lovely daycare, limit TV, no sweets, make sure she gets fresh air and exercise, singing and reading, free and structured play, and I've read countless parenting books, ate like a bloody Saint the whole pregnancy and 13 long months of breastfeeding... Sorry that's a ridiculous list of all the advice I've followed desperately, and it has honestly made no difference whatsoever.

All my friends have happy children (obviously not perfect but smiley and on track developmentally), and think I'm mad for all the hard work I put into parenting when DD is still so tricky and I don't see any benefits. And I feel so sad and resentful that we don't have a happy family like other people when I try so hard.

I wish I could take that bit out of my op! Everything pre-birth was said in a jokey manner, and I didn't sit there in nicu thinking "This baby is so naughty!". I just meant that things have never been plain sailing, not ever.
IRL I am very defensive of DD when people comment on her meltdowns, and frequently point out that she is only a baby. But people comment on her behaviour and that does stick with me.
So many posters have said I'm making DD this way because I am anxious and acknowledge that she's hard work. But I really don't know if/how I would parent differently if she was categorised an easy baby... I'm just doing my best, I'm not trying to "fix" her.

OP have a fuck it week. Fuck all the enriching activities you do. Fuck the organic, homemade food. Fuck the playgroups and baby massage and baby sensory classes. Just spend each day getting through to the next bit.

Stop labelling her. Stop comparing her. Stop comparing you.

You mention she sleeps? You are winning there already. Ds didn't really nap. Certainly not on demand. And bedtimes were difficult until he was 2. Dd didn't crawl until she was 18 months old and didn't walk u til she was 2. Ds ate courgette for the first time the other day. Its the first vegatable he has voluntary eaten since he was 18 months old.

All babies and children are different. What shocked me most about my babies when they were newborns was the sheer strength of their personalities. They weren't born babies they were born people with their own quirks and characteristics.

Just relax and enjoy her. This age is full on and intense especially if you are a SAHM with little support. But it will go so quickly I promise.

Op I am struggling to see the problem, your DD sounds very "normal".

Many toddlers have meltowns ( I had a son like that)
Many toddlers are clingy and disliked strangers( both my kids were)
Neither of my kids spoke their first word before the age of three years.

My kids are now older teens- they are well adjusted, verbally fluent and socially at ease.

Why are you concerned?

Sounds like my eldest. I was so jealous of all those who had less demanding children. But he's grown into a lovely lovely boy who I'm often impressed by and am really proud off and I feel that all that hard work has really paid off. Am sure you'll get there too.

Do a bit less. Will help free you up and stop feeling overwhelmed allowing feelings other than resentment.

We looked at baby photos on now 13 yo dd and ds noticed that she never smiled until she was about 2.5 yo. It will get better!

I have always been the type of person who put my faith in my work ethic. If i worked hard enough, read the right books and put the effort in, Ive succeeded, no matter what the challenge, in everything I've ever done. Then I had a baby with colic. No amount of reading, effort or hardworking could fix it. Being a 'perfect' parent got me nowhere my advice to you would be to stop doing what you think a perfect parent should, and do what will make your life a little easier.

I bet you have a second who will mysteriously be more chilled out because you aren't able to overthink, hover and stress about every little thing. That's what happened to me and most of the other nct women I met with my first - all of us over conscientious, successful in demanding jobs, do the right thing, "swotty" types

I read your OP, and subsequent posts, with sadness.

You have described your daugher exactly as my mother described me.

My mother was so resentful that she didn't have the child/daughter she 'deserved', and couldn't turn me into it, that she 'took it out on me'.

The resentment grew and it eroded any love she might have felt for me and I grew up knowing that she didn't love me.

There are a couple of things that I have since been told were probably triggers for some of it, but she never sought help or support with her feelings because that would have made it her 'fault' rather than mine (for being inherently unloveable).

She was also told that I was a "problem child" from the very start. Apparently, the midwife told her that I'd be 'trouble' before we'd been discharged from hospital - a throwaway comment they must make several times a day. But it became the narrative of my life; she believed the health professionals and saw everything I did through the lens of "This is a problem child. The nurse told me so". It was something I often heard growing up.

The reality is that I was never a 'problem child'. I was inquisitive, strong willed, challenging, bright... I worked hard at school; I was top of my class in almost every subject; I played multiple instruments; I work in a caring profession; I am a good cititzen; I volunteered to help people, even while still at school. I was never in trouble, I didn't drink underage, I never skived off school, I always did my homework... I was not a 'problem child'.

I was a little 'odd' though. I did have sensory sensitivities that were inconvenient, I didn't (and still don't) relate well to other people. I misjudge situations or how to interact with people and was often labeled 'antisocial'... And then I was diagnosed with AS as an adult of 39.

The result is that I'm in my 40s. I have few friends. I'm not as successful in my career as I should be (not really very far above entry level), I've never had a successful relationship... some of this is undoubtedly down to the AS. But some of this is because, until I was 40, I completely believed that I was inherently unloveable; wrong; a problem; something to be tolerated rather than cherished. I feel every day that I'm not 'good enough'.

I feel that much of life is closed to me now. I've been told that the therapy I'd need to undo it would be long and costly and I don't have the time, money or emotional reserves to do it. So I just try to accept it.

I know that's not what you want for your daughter.

Frouby we're having a fuck it day today. Cbeebies is on and DD is in her jamas, and closer to the screen than my grandma would allow in case she gets "square eyes"
I wouldn't say she's a good sleeper. she rarely sleeps through and is a 5am riser, but I tried every sleep technique going to find something that worked for us at bedtime, and she naps at nursery so has finally taken to the idea of a daytime sleep at home... I used to take her out in the pram for miles because she was so overtired.

Cailleach I'm concerned because DD often doesn't seem happy, we don't enjoy days out or trips away as a family because she spends most of the time kicking off, and people openly criticise her behaviour and my parenting. PIL say they can't babysit her because she is too demanding and angry. Not that they have tried
The HV is concerned about her communication and social development, and nursery say that she doesn't express herself as well as most children her age. She used to say mama and dada but these have been replaced with squeals and babbling as if we have gone backwards. She doesn't nod or shake her head, point, wave, gesture or use words to make herself understood. I don't want her to excel, just be happy, and right now she is very frustrated and nothing I try seems to help.

Ahhh, OP, the people commenting on her behaviour, just ignore them. People just want something to say. People often comment on my DD as she's pretty fearless and I say "oh yes she knows her own mind, be it's great!".

I reckon, once she's in bed you need to sit down with a ready meal once or twice a week and watch a movie, do what makes you happy.

It's all a passing phase and I have noticed my daughter is often a lot calmer on days we just hang at home, potter down to the corner shop and back. Try not to worry too much about this and with milestones right now.

OP I feel like you're getting a bit of stick on this thread that you don't deserve.

Your heart is clearly in the right place and I don't feel you're doing anything detrimental to your DD like labelling her etc.

The advice to slow down, watch more TV, and enjoy the bits you can, seems good advice.

You're doing this mostly alone, and despite what some people are saying, you've got a tricky DD. Some children are easier than others. It's going to be tough for a while.

You'll do great. Try to relax and enjoy and you'll be into the next phase before you know it, which may (or may not) be a bit easier for you.

It's hard, man. Especially if your DP is not there to help much. Do what you can to make life more enjoyable for you.
Little things like do the housework when DD is watching TV so you don't have to do it once she's in bed and you can have more of a break.

You deserve a break.

OP, I'm sorry to hear you're finding life difficult.
Just a couple of points:
-I found that age tricky too, as it was exhausting running around after a mobile toddler but not really having much two-way interaction or be able to have a conversation (and I wouldn't describe mine as a 'difficult' child, just quite a boisterous one). We spent many many hours in the playpark, even in the middle of winter.

• My 3 year old until recently has usually been much better behaved out and about than at home so people probably think he doesn't have tantrums, for example: he does, he just mostly does it at home with me rather than out and about. He's a bit older now but regularly has his moments where he has a bout of deliberate naughtiness where he hits me, throws things etc. But he's always very calm and obedient at nursery. So be careful of assuming that 'happy' children you see around are always like that.
• Do not spend your evenings reading up on the next thing to do with DD, it's unlikely to make much difference. Watch something non-child-related on tv, ask a friend round for takeaway, take up a hobby, do something for yourself. You sound like your life is entirely focused on DD, and over time I have realised that for my sanity (and therefore indirectly my child's), I need to have my own interests. If DP is working away then eat your dinner with DD and try to do as much tidying/clearing before she goes to bed as possible (use tv if necessary...) so that you have the whole evening clear for yourself. Otherwise I found that I could easily still be tidying up at 9pm and didn't really have much evening to myself, and felt like I'd been 'working' for a ridiculously long day without a break.
• In terms of TV I recommend 'In the Night Garden' because it's 30 minutes long - from a relatively young age (can't remember exactly, probably 12 months ish) mine would sit in his highchair and watch it while I cooked the dinner as the layout of the house meant there wasn't really a good way of keeping him away from the cooker but still supervised. It doesn't seem to have done him any harm.
• Find other activities that help you relax a bit during the day/distract DD while you have a cup of tea. Kids can get excited about very minor things eg a small 'present' to open (I have a stash of small toys from the charity shop), or a new type of food they haven't tried before in an exciting-looking packet (babybels for example).

I have one of those types of kids. He's happiest watching peppa eating biscuits so I don't ever feel guilty for letting him. When he's in bed I sit with cake and wine and relax because I know if I don't he'll be worse tomorrow! Hes my 2nd so I know it's nothing I did, he was just made that way and that's why I love him. Go with the flow, life is always easier and more fun that way!

JustAMusing I'm so sorry you feel this way, and had such a sad relationship with your DM.
You're right in that it's not what I want for DD, and I honestly don't feel like I project it onto her. It's only when I'm on my own, or with other adults talking about her behaviour, that I acknowledge how tricky she can be, and I do resent that my efforts seemingly have no effect on her. But I always tell her how loved she is. I always praise her behaviour and qualities, because I never want her to feel down on herself.

OK I'm going to be honest here.

Your DD is just a normal baby. Just because you fainted during pregnancy and she's clingy doesn't mean she's harder work than any other infant.

You need to relax, cooking from scratch and baby groups limiting tv doesn't make you an awesome mother. It makes you a normal mother like the rest of us.

You mentioned a top nursery she's in. Are you back at work yet?

OP, I kind of understand where you are coming from. My first pregnancy was extremely difficult - I threw up all day, every day, then at 21 weeks I started bleeding and they found a 12cm blood clot on my placenta. I was in and out of hospital until I gave birth at 27 weeks. All the way through, consultants joked that DS was an awkward baby because he would never lie the right way for scans. Once he was here, he spent 9 weeks in NICU and the nurses joked that he was trouble because he kept pulling his wires out.

He didn't sleep at all until he was 15 months. He's never been a good eater. Nursery labelled him as the most stubborn child they'd ever come across. He has some slight language development (he has a superb vocabulary but struggles to make some sounds so people often don't understand him).

I spent the first 12 months worrying and trying to be perfect. Then I returned to working full time shifts and to put it bluntly, just didn't have time. He's currently sat next to me watching Sonic on Netflix while I mumsnet. He had chicken dippers for tea last night as he refused my carefully prepared chilli (yes, I know - rod for my own back but 29 weeks into another difficult pregnancy and don't have the energy to argue). None of these things will ruin him.

If you saw him in the street you would be envious - he walks quietly with me, holding my hands and chatting. You wouldn't have any clue of the battles we've had - or continue to have.

Please don't label your DD already, just try to relax - and don't spend your evening's reading what to do next!! Take her cues and trust your own instincts - you will both be fine!

I hated the year between one and two! Felt like DS just never bloody stopped or played with any toys properly, just bustled around causing chaos. Things just gradually got better and easier. Give yourself a break, it's ok not to enjoy every phase and it's definitely ok not to cook anything everything from scratch

People will give you a hard time but it's clear you adore your DD. I also totally relate to this post. Ds2 had just turned 3 and is mega challenging. I feel like it's all stress and very little joy with him which makes me sad as it's not like that with ds1 or DD:
A friend once described him as my "wild card" and that felt pretty fitting

I would be willing to swop for one smelly, highly demand avoidant fourteen year old! More seriously what we have learnt is when you have a difficult child you have to throw away your expectations of what parenthood would be like and parent the child that you actually have.

Hi,
I didn't want to read and run. My eldest was often described as hard work by other parents. I really struggled when she was young. We would co-sleep in order to get her to sleep. She had reflux and was very clingy as a baby. She had terrible tantrums as a toddler and was ridiculously hard work.

When she turned 2 she finally started to sleep through the night and her behaviour drastically changed. In hindsight we were both overtired and she was so tired that any minor problem turned into a huge drama and the screaming would start.

Give yourself a break and drop some activities and have a preprepared meal a couple of times a week or go for simple picnic style meals. You are both struggling and creating more work will make it even harder.

In the end we worked out that my daughter had allergies to dairy and egg and that she was suffering from horrendous reflux which was stopping her sleeping. We were robbed off by numerous health visitors and GPs who just labelled her tricky or fussy and thought I was a anxious first time mum.

Sending you lots of love and I hope things improve soon.

I just wanted to say in response to your post about her lack of communication. If she finds talking very hard do you think sign language would be worth a try? That way she can talk to you without struggling to find her speech.

OP, you have been very measured on this thread, tip of the hat to you.

Have a fuck-it day sounds a good idea. Plan to do them frequently!

I was very anxious, and ensured I did everything 'right' but it really isn't necessary, especially if it's making you worn out.

Maybe talk to your HV about your anxiety? I doubt she'd say there's anything wrong with letting things 'slip' a bit.

and for you. You sound like a lovely mum to your wee girl.