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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be resentful of my difficult child?

276 replies

SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 13/07/2017 22:45

I should probably start by saying that deep down I know IABU... and as with all DC rants, tell everyone how much I love DD despite these feelings. But here goes.

DD is 16 months old. She has been described as "tricky" by healthcare professionals since before she was even born. Other adjectives include "strong willed" "difficult" and "a challenge".
She's not exactly naughty, in that she isn't spiteful or particularly disobedient, but she is antisocial and very dramatic when things aren't going her way. We are also having a few issues with her development not being quite where it "should" be for her age.
HV, GP and nursery all say there's no great cause for concern and believe she is NT, just a little slower in some areas and a bit of a diva. But all agree that she is hard work.

The reason I feel resentful of this is because I work unbelievably hard to be a good parent, and I just feel like I get nothing back. This isn't downing anyone else's parenting but I often put so much effort in that I'm exhausted.
I cook healthy meals from scratch, take her to baby groups and activities, practically work for free so she can go to a lovely daycare, limit TV, no sweets, make sure she gets fresh air and exercise, singing and reading, free and structured play, and I've read countless parenting books, ate like a bloody Saint the whole pregnancy and 13 long months of breastfeeding... Sorry that's a ridiculous list of all the advice I've followed desperately, and it has honestly made no difference whatsoever.

All my friends have happy children (obviously not perfect but smiley and on track developmentally), and think I'm mad for all the hard work I put into parenting when DD is still so tricky and I don't see any benefits. And I feel so sad and resentful that we don't have a happy family like other people when I try so hard.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/07/2017 23:53

You sound utterly exhausted. And I wonder if your Dd is exhausted/ or at least over-stimulated too?

You mention daycare AND toddler groups/activities etc. IMO - and my ds was in nursery 3 days a week from 6 months old - if they are in nursery for part of the time they don't need the groups and activities the rest of the time. Quiet time at home, walks in the pram, popping by the park, maybe even - the horrors! - picking up some chips for tea on the way back...

What if all this anti-social drama is trying to tell you something? If it was, what would it be saying? Your child is trying to cue you in to something, I think.

kzedii · 13/07/2017 23:54

Sounds to me like you worry too much how others see your daughters behavior and your parenting. I would recommend you stop worrying about what everyone says she 'should' be doing as im sure she will catch up. Have a chill day where you dont have to be the perfect parent. kids can be hard work they will trow tantrums let her throw it, if she knows you react everytime she will get used to behaving like that and it will become a habit.

Original poster
SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 13/07/2017 23:54

Oh and Cake and Wine to everyone else with difficult DC... We deserve it!

OP posts:
Goodasgoldilox · 13/07/2017 23:54

How not to be a perfect mother - was a most useful book by Libby Purves. Even the title was helpful.

('Never mess with a self-dresser' was still a motto from there when mine reached their teens.)

What will you like to look back on this stage in your lives ?
Build some good memories - enjoy this time.

Have more fun - and worry less.
Eat less cabbage and more ice-cream.

FluffyPineapple · 13/07/2017 23:55

How can a child be difficult before birth?

Yes exactly what I was thinking? Umm.... ??

Earlyriser84 · 13/07/2017 23:56

I've got two, (2 1/2 and 1 1/2) and to be honest it just sounds like normal 16 month old behaviour

Babies aren't 'anti-social' they just aren't that bothered apart from parallel play and their main care giver usually. And dramatic behaviour sounds like standard tantrums

Just relax a bit more and ignore the dramatics x

HeyRoly · 13/07/2017 23:56

My DD was so spirited impatient she'd start yelling if we were stood at a pelican crossing for too long.

It was a really grim, lonely time in my life.

OP, it's not your fault. Ignore any posters who say that it is.

TheAntiBoop · 13/07/2017 23:59

I wonder if you may benefit from some counselling wrt your birth experience? You know none of these issues are the fault of either you or your dd. You seem to imply you have done something wrong 'because it didn't come naturally'

Lower your expectations of her and do not compare. That way madness lies! She sounds lovely.

TheAntiBoop · 14/07/2017 00:00

I wonder if you may benefit from some counselling wrt your birth experience? You know none of these issues are the fault of either you or your dd. You seem to imply you have done something wrong 'because it didn't come naturally'

Lower your expectations of her and do not compare. That way madness lies! She sounds lovely.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/07/2017 00:00

(((((((((()))))))))). Unmumsnetty hug.
I'm no expert, but. I think your HV is taking through her a hole.

She's 16 months old, FGS. Just a tiny baby really. Shes not going to have impeccable negotiation and social skills.

CaptainWarbeck · 14/07/2017 00:01

You don't have to be the perfect parent giving 100% all the time. If you feel the need to be on your A game all the time, cut yourself some slack by accepting that giving 85% is okay too sometimes. I can struggle with perfectionism and this mantra helped me lots.

thequeenoftarts · 14/07/2017 00:03

PS motherhood is the hardest, most thankless, underpaid, grueling job I have ever undertaken. There are no start and finish times, no holidays, no sick days, no mental health days, no handing over to another member of staff, no boss to pass a difficult customer over, no lunch times, no time off, no rewards.It seems to run for 18 - 21 years, with labour, stretch marks, sore boobs, crying, snotty noses, sick kids, broken nights, temper tantrums, upset tummies, teething, sneers as they get older, always knowing you are in the wrong ( no matter what lol), worrying, even more sleepless nights, taxi driver, mediator, shrink, dinner lady, cleaner......... You get to be everything to this little person ( for abuse and no wages lol)........If a real life job offered you all these wonderful exciting perks - you would be on another planet before you finished reading the job spec haha..........But we do it and when the wee munchkins smile at us, stupidly we fall in love just a bit more......Open some more wine and cake poppet, you deserve it

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/07/2017 00:03

I'm 41 and still piss and moan and stamp my feet . When I don't get my own wayGrin

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/07/2017 00:04

Excellent post Queen. On behalf of all parents

corythatwas · 14/07/2017 00:05

"Right up until they brought an incubator in during labour I was pretty relaxed. I think it was about then I realised perhaps this wasn't coming naturally to me."

I hope you don't mind my saying so, OP, but I find this sentence quite revealing. It does read very much as if you had expectations of having just the "right" pregnancy and the "right" childbirth experience and felt a failure when that didn't happen. Not minimising, I do understand how worrying that early time must have been. But it's not something you can undo by having the perfect array of meals in the freezer.

Both my dc have a genetic disorder which they have inherited from me; in dd's case it has led to chronic pain and disability and also to some (probably connected) MH problems. It is very sad. But it is what it is. It is not something I have to compensate by being a perfect parent in every other respect. It's not something I can compensate by being a perfect parent, come to think of it. And if I tried to compensate and it did not make things perfect, that would not be either her fault or mine.

Motherhood has been enormously rewarding, but it has been rewarding in dealing with the situation I've actually got, not in telling myself I have to make it different. Dc are the people they are, they have the difficulties they do, we've done our best to get along under the circumstances. That's good enough. It really is.

Waitingforsherlock · 14/07/2017 00:05

Is there a section on teens in the book please Dark?

thequeenoftarts · 14/07/2017 00:07

Waiting aye its called how to survive those terrible teens without feeling the need to relocate house and not tell them lol

Atenco · 14/07/2017 00:13

I think you are communicating all your stress and anxiety to your baby. Chill out, this is a marathon not a race.

I was studying when my dd was a baby and if I ever had an exam or a paper to hand in the next day, she wouldn't bloody sleep. It was only on reflexion I've realised that she must have picked up on my stress. Same with tantrums. She would tantrum and I would silently tantrum beside her. It was only when I stopped stressing and relaxed did the tantrums start to decrease.

nocoolnamesleft · 14/07/2017 00:26

A few things I just wondered.

You mentioned your dd was a refluxy baby. Did that actually get sorted, or not? Just, as you can imagine, uncomfortable babies are not as relaxed and happy. I realise most have grown out of it by now, but if not, worth asking about.

The second thing: you sound utterly exhausted, and rather demoralised. Please be honest with yourself. Is that because you're trying so hard? Or has your pregnancy, delivery, and events since left you with PND? Because coping with any problem in a baby/small child is much harder if also trying to soldier on through PND.

Sprinklestar · 14/07/2017 00:34

Your posts worry me. This is a 16 month old BABY you're talking about. None of what she does is 'against' you. She's just doing her baby thing! Children are different and all go through stages. My first was a tricky baby in terms of sleep but is now a delight. My second slept so well it was ridiculous but is now three and tantrums like there's no tomorrow. They are parented the same. I think you need to talk to someone about your reactions to your DD's behaviour. They're not rational. Good luck.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 14/07/2017 06:14

Ds1 cried constantly, was clingy, and very demanding. I took him to every baby class I could and would plan his day. He's grown into a lovely, very intelligent and thoughtful boy. But at that period in time, I was exhausted.

My advice to you would be to relax. Spend quality time with her - noodling in the garden, painting, drawing, play-doh. Plus put the bloody tv on occasionally so you get a sit down and switch your brain off.

Original poster
SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 14/07/2017 06:25

Just read this back after 4 hours of broken sleep and realised how ott I was last night! Blush
Clearly, I'm very anxious and I need to get some help with this.
I feel like DD and I do have a nice time most days, despite the drama, and I am patient and try not to pressure or push her... But after she goes to bed and I'm cooking, cleaning and reading up on what to do next, I sometimes feel a bit like all my hard work is for nothing and she will just be who she's destined to be.
I don't have expectations of my DD, and her development is not a competition. I just want to do know I've done my best to make her happy and well rounded... but when I see DCs who are raised on wotsits and Netflix running round with smiles on their faces, dishing out cuddles and communicating without meltdowns, I do feel a bit jealous!
Goldilox I've ordered the book, could do with some lighthearted ones in my collection!
HeyRoly grim and lonely is exactly how I would describe things some days. Thank you for your kind words. People with generally happy and responsive DC just don't get it.
Queen that is such a brilliant post! It's stupidly hard work but her little face when I walk to her bedroom in the morning makes everything worth it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 14/07/2017 06:29

Oh, and DD is currently watching Baby Jake. I don't think this is good for my fragile state though... Hamsternauts?! What on earth?!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2017 06:35

First of all, I am so sorry that you feel so exhausted and stressed. However... From everything I've read, it seems as though you labeled her as difficult before she was even born, which is for one, not possible, and two, very destructive for your relationship with her. Have you considered the possibility that you are transferring all of your anxieties onto her?

Cailleach666 · 14/07/2017 06:48

I just want to see her happy and maybe a bit more relaxed.

Then model that behaviour.

Drop your expectations, relax more, be a bit of a worse mother.

Watch TV with her, eat a bit of junkfood.
Concentrate more on smiling than milestones..

Babies will thrive on less than perfect parenting.

In fact it's desirable.

We are human - we are not machines. To be perfect is not human.