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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry about this 'non' wedding?

282 replies

Shufflebumnessie · 13/07/2017 14:53

My sister announced last year that she was getting married and the wedding would take place in the US (where she's lived for 10 years). We declined the invite as it was too expensive, sister kicks up a fuss and my parents kindly offered to pay for our flights in order to keep the peace.
Fast forward to now & the wedding is taking place in a few weeks - flights/hotels/car hire/parking etc are all paid for and it's cost us a small fortune even without the flights. Once we arrive in the US we have an 8 hour drive from the airport to where they live as it's pretty remote, which will take us 2 days as we'll have DS (5) & DD (5 months) with us & need plenty of stops etc. We then have 5 nights in the area they live followed by a repeat of the 8 hour drive to get back to the airport.
After the initial reluctance we were actually looking forward to it, especially the wedding. A few days ago, whilst mooching on Facebook, I saw some photos that my sister had been tagged in....on her wedding day!!! It turns out that they decided to get married on a whim (although still managed to invite a few friends and the grooms parents - who live a couple of hours drive from them). They've now decided the 'event' in August is a casual family get-together!!! Originally we were told there was a pre- wedding dinner, now that's become take -out pizza in the back yard and the actual 'wedding' (apparently there will still be a ceremony of some sort) is taking place in the back yard and everyone is expected to contribute some sort of food. When questioned about all this she just pretty much shrugged it off and said it will be a good opportunity for the family to get together - the only other family going are my parents and we see them all the time!! We also see my sister on a semi-regular basis as she comes to the UK for business a few times a year.

So now we're travelling thousands of miles with a young baby to attend a 'non' wedding, which is costing us a lot of money, is a logistical nightmare and now we have to take our own bloody food!! Am I justified in being absolutely fuming? I really wish we'd just declined my parents offer to pay and stuck with original plan of not going. We looked into cancelling but would have lost way too much money. Sorry for the long post I just needed to rant!

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 14/07/2017 17:32

YANBU - very strange and infuriating! Is there a chance she is pregnant and for some reason felt the need to get hitched ASAP?

Ticketybootoo · 14/07/2017 17:33

I'd be annoyed but maybe for the sake of the long game it's not worth causing a rift ?

Ticketybootoo · 14/07/2017 17:34

I'd be annoyed but maybe for the sake of the long game it's not worth causing a rift ?

Agerbilatemycardigan · 14/07/2017 17:35

Sorry. Can't even repeat on here what I really think. She sounds like a selfish bitch.

BengalGal · 14/07/2017 17:38

It's probably not too expensive to change the flight to somewhere else in the states that would be fun to visit and no drive involved. Do that and pay back your parents gradually. I'd forget your sister gor a while. She owes you all big apologies. Both for young ahead wither when she knew your plans and the financial hardships, and for planning a honeymoon the day after you arrive.

Epilepticmummy · 14/07/2017 17:50

That is awfully disrespectful! Your poor, poor parents and you for that matter - having to drag your little ones all that way for nothing! hugs

Piwi1625 · 14/07/2017 17:52

That is f'd up! My sister done a similar thing - invited us to her 'wedding' in Thailand and a few days before we were due to fly out, we saw pics of her actual wedding in London Where we are actually from!

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 14/07/2017 17:54

I think there's a history here of things being done to keep the peace which is why your parents were desperate for you and your family to be at the wedding but by doing what she did your sister treated your parents with all the contempt a spoil brat can dish out.

I'd be on my knees in pain if any of my children did that to me but I'd find the strength from somewhere to say - no need for us to come then. Writing off the expense would be easy.

Im so sorry this happened. Its despicable. Absolutely hateful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/07/2017 17:55

I'd find somewhere nice to visit for a few days. The. I'd agree to meet your parents somewhere and have a family holiday together after your sisters non wedding. No way would I be driving for that shit. Don't let them be the centre of attention.

Lallypop · 14/07/2017 17:55

I'd be absolutely furious about the wedding but you should probably try and visit your sister once in a while.

takethattastic · 14/07/2017 17:56

So selfish. I feel for you OP, your parents must be devastated!!! I have to say if I turned up I would be raging so I would give it a miss!! Especially with 2 young children!!

steff13 · 14/07/2017 17:57

I suspect you've never been to the Midwest

There might be one or two states that aren't very interesting out in the middle (Nebraska, although it has beautiful landscape) but for the most part every state has something interesting to see, and someplace nice to visit.

milliemolliemou · 14/07/2017 17:58

OP can you take over her house when she's off on honeymoon and work from there? Has she even offered you, DP, kids and parents room or are you camping/paying for a hotel?

I'd calmly discuss with your parents and see what can be done with plane tickets/hire car and what you all want the options to be. Which coast is it? Either way a 5 hour or 8 hour plane flight with small children going west = jetlag + clearing airport + 8 hour car journey in an unknown country, with 5 month and 5 year old is not great stuff.

Especially to be greeted with a pot luck supper you don't have a house to cook in.

Just discuss it with your parents and take a view. And write a united email if you decide to DSis wishing her well if you can't go, saying it's cost us all x to get to what was initially a full wedding but you're clearly married and we'd not be able to provide a potluck supper and it's only us. You're also going off on your honeymoon. So rather than bother you we'll have a fine old time in x and you're welcome to travel 16 hours to visit us.

Or perhaps something less bitter?

Lunde · 14/07/2017 17:58

So your sister has had the wedding early but wants you and your parents to travel for several days to have a pizza and potluck with her? - but she can't be bothered to stay for a few days to see the family who have made this trek and will disappear on holiday the day after the potluck supper and will leave you all to your own devices?

Do you have cancellation insurance? I would definitely use it rather than schlepp for days for the "honour" of seeing her for a few hours

Newtssuitcase · 14/07/2017 18:00

I'm another who would cancel. you will spend more money going than you will if you write it off.

But I suspect you could actually change your reservations if you tried. You can probably change your flights to somewhere else even if you lose a bit of your money.

Delancy · 14/07/2017 18:00

You don't sound very close to your sister, or very nice to her either.

I would be devastated if my sister refused to come to my wedding the following year due to cost.

That would tell me very clearly how important I really was to my sister.

I'm not surprised she thought 'Oh fuck it, lets just get married now, my family doesn't really give a shit about me anyway'.

You say she's the diva, but I'm reading your posts like its the other way around, and you're the PFB.

Did she fly out to your wedding? Or decline due to cost?

DeadGood · 14/07/2017 18:02

"Sister maintains she was going to send an email saying that they'd got married but that mum contacted her before she had a chance, who knows...."

But that doesn't actually address any of the issues! FFS, I could almost understand the more casual celebration, but gokng off on honeymoon the day after? What the actual fuck?

Are you or your parents actually going to talk to her? It really doesn't sound like she is understanding just how offensive she is being.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 14/07/2017 18:04

I would be devastated if my sister refused to come to my wedding the following year due to cost
That would tell me very clearly how important I really was to my sister

Ok doll, we've noticed you. Silly bint that you are for a whole host of reasons.

Missolford33 · 14/07/2017 18:05

Surely they don't expect the people that have travelled the globe to bring food!? I'd travel but the go somewhere else with my family. You know... on a whim.

Carriecakes80 · 14/07/2017 18:05

Yes She is being unreasonable. I would go, stay somewhere closer to the airport, then bugger off and have a holiday somewhere else for a few days, and say "Sorry! We changed our plans, you know how we Sisters so that sometimes!" Smile and enjoy the money and time you have spent with a youngster. We did 6 weeks travelling round the states with two youngsters a few years back and tbh it wasn't the struggle we thought it would be, the kids settled quite quickly! Hope you have a good holiday anyway! xxxx

TheCraicDealer · 14/07/2017 18:06

I'm on reddit's wedding board and "eloping" is super, super common, even occasionally after the formal wedding has been planned for a while and people might have, you know, made plans. They generally preface it "omg this is so stressful, feel like I'm forgetting that the day is really about me and FH blah blah blah. We're thinking about eloping and just having a party after". Yeah that's true, but it's also true that people have invested a lot of money and time arranging to be there and you're basically saying "I've invited you but on reflection I'm not that bothered about you actually seeing me get married". It's all a bit special snowflake I'm being honest, and there's a lot of positive reinforcement of certain choices.

To be fair a lot of them seem to do the legal bit earlier due to taxes or health insurance costs- not pregnancy as a lot of posters have suggested. That's more understandable but still a bit shit.

My heart breaks for your mum and dad, especially finding out that that way. She's robbed them of seeing her get married and the booby prize is a slice of pizza in someone's garden before she runs off on holiday the next day after, when you've all travelled and paid £££ for the privilege. That's really, really shitty. And don't get me started on potluck wedding food- even Reddit isn't keen on that.

Carriecakes80 · 14/07/2017 18:07

Hang on, just read the 'I would be devastated if my sister refused to come to my wedding the following year due to cost
That would tell me very clearly how important I really was to my sister!'

Umm, what if they didn't have the funds?? Are they being mean because they don't have the cash?? Wtaf????? Must be so lovely for money to be no object!

Payitforward55 · 14/07/2017 18:12

Unreal scenes! Don't go! I would not even consider dragging a baby on a long haul for this!

LeannePerrins · 14/07/2017 18:12

Your sister's behaviour has been absolutely unacceptable. She needs to know exactly how angry and upset you and your parents are.

Delancy · 14/07/2017 18:15

Yeah, I might be wrong.
But I might not be either.