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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry about this 'non' wedding?

282 replies

Shufflebumnessie · 13/07/2017 14:53

My sister announced last year that she was getting married and the wedding would take place in the US (where she's lived for 10 years). We declined the invite as it was too expensive, sister kicks up a fuss and my parents kindly offered to pay for our flights in order to keep the peace.
Fast forward to now & the wedding is taking place in a few weeks - flights/hotels/car hire/parking etc are all paid for and it's cost us a small fortune even without the flights. Once we arrive in the US we have an 8 hour drive from the airport to where they live as it's pretty remote, which will take us 2 days as we'll have DS (5) & DD (5 months) with us & need plenty of stops etc. We then have 5 nights in the area they live followed by a repeat of the 8 hour drive to get back to the airport.
After the initial reluctance we were actually looking forward to it, especially the wedding. A few days ago, whilst mooching on Facebook, I saw some photos that my sister had been tagged in....on her wedding day!!! It turns out that they decided to get married on a whim (although still managed to invite a few friends and the grooms parents - who live a couple of hours drive from them). They've now decided the 'event' in August is a casual family get-together!!! Originally we were told there was a pre- wedding dinner, now that's become take -out pizza in the back yard and the actual 'wedding' (apparently there will still be a ceremony of some sort) is taking place in the back yard and everyone is expected to contribute some sort of food. When questioned about all this she just pretty much shrugged it off and said it will be a good opportunity for the family to get together - the only other family going are my parents and we see them all the time!! We also see my sister on a semi-regular basis as she comes to the UK for business a few times a year.

So now we're travelling thousands of miles with a young baby to attend a 'non' wedding, which is costing us a lot of money, is a logistical nightmare and now we have to take our own bloody food!! Am I justified in being absolutely fuming? I really wish we'd just declined my parents offer to pay and stuck with original plan of not going. We looked into cancelling but would have lost way too much money. Sorry for the long post I just needed to rant!

OP posts:
Slimthistime · 13/07/2017 15:25

you know normally when people find they're invited to a wedding party rather than the actual wedding, I don't think much about it.

but in this case it is different. I think they must be very selfish to expect your attendance at a wedding in such PITA circumstances so I suppose it's not that surprising that they were selfish enough to do this without thinking of you.

Unfortunately these types have such a sense of self importance they just think you must want to go to major cost and inconvenience to celebrate the mere concept of their marriage.

sorry this happened and YANBU at all. In fact it sounds such a pain I'd be looking at all possibilities to make it less so - including just making it a holiday. If they want to drive and see you, they can do so.

Is it possible there's a baby on the way and they hurried it for that reason? I'm not suggesting that should make you feel any better, at the very least they should have rung and explained. In fact I'm a bit "WTF" that you found out about it via social media. I don't feel they are people worth travelling for frankly!

kaytee87 · 13/07/2017 15:25

God your sister is an arsehole.

I'd go but stay nearer the airport and make the holiday about your family.

Namechangetempissue · 13/07/2017 15:26

That sounds really shit! The 8 hour drive with two really little children -horrors Shock. I would be very tempted to cancel the "wedding" attendance and take a holiday in the area nearer to the airport.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 13/07/2017 15:26

YANBU, that would piss me off too. I went to a lovely wedding, loved seeing the couple get married - only to find out later they'd got married a few days before and pretended that the big wedding was their actual wedding! Whaaaat!? It had the bridesmaids, walking down the aisle, rings and everything. I love watching people get married. Fine if you want 2 separate things, but why try and pass it off as your actual wedding when it isnt?

LoupGarou · 13/07/2017 15:27

Which airport are you flying into? Can you get a connecting flight somewhere close to save the drive? I lived in an especially bumfuck nowhere part of the US but even here there are small regional airports everywhere. You'd have to catch a light aircraft, but they usually aren't that expensive.

How far in distance is it from airport to destination? Not time but miles/km?

Also, mostly the roads are good here, so an eight hour drive isn't too horrific and there are usually plenty of places well equipped for stops with small children. I do love road trips (I've done loads with DS since he was tiny) though, so it doesn't sound so bad to me, it would suck if you don't like road trips.

londonrach · 13/07/2017 15:27

Yanbu. Very strange behaviour to move the wedding forward when her side of the family is coming especially for this. No way not planned. Idrearrange it as a holiday visiting another part of america. What do your parents think

LoupGarou · 13/07/2017 15:29

Oh yes, and potluck suppers are very common and generally seen as a nice thing at a celebration, I've never been to one where guests from away were expected to bring anything, but if you want to just grab some muffins or cupcakes from Walmart on the way.

caffelatte100 · 13/07/2017 15:30

I would be fuming and really pissed off.
The thing is, if you don't go, it will cause an almighty row and your sister will never forget it. Then again, neither will you now!

But God, what was she thinking?!??

I'd phone her and have good talk about this and the impact of the journey, travelling with kids, perhaps she just hasn't realised?

Just tell her you found out and what you feel.

user1476869312 · 13/07/2017 15:30

@bendycikCuinsnatch In some cases (not necessarily this one from the sound of it) people separate out the 'legally getting married' bit from the 'wedding' bit. This is usually because the couple are not Christians but want a religious-other-faith ceremony, or to make the vows-that-actually-matter-to-them at a big party for family and friends. Sometimes the place they want to have the wedding is not licensed for weddings.
This isn't necessarily a big deal (am a humanist celebrant myself) - people quite often trot down to the registrar a day or two before/after the big ceremony to 'make it legal'. Though occaisionally a guest will get all butthurt about it.

dinahmorris · 13/07/2017 15:36

I wouldn't go. No way would I take a 5mo on a transatlantic flight followed by an 8hr drive for a casual family get together. The money for flights and stuff is already spent. You won't get it back, but you could use the spending money to do some enjoyable things with your little ones at home.

KimmySchmidt1 · 13/07/2017 15:42

ridiculous, thoughtless and selfish from her - YANBU. Can you cancel?

OpheliaRosePolonius · 13/07/2017 15:42

I'd get money back if possible. YADNBUSad

Chathamhouserules · 13/07/2017 15:43

I'd be annoyed but since you and your parents have coughed up the money try and put a positive spin on it. You might enjoy visiting your sister and seeing where she lives. She'll be the host as well, and not the bride, so you can put your feet up once you're there and she can run around after you getting cups of tea/taking you to see the sights etc etc.
Do you generally get on?

HurtleTheTurtle · 13/07/2017 15:46

Is it because they are having a legal wedding and religious wedding?

To me "(apparently there will still be a ceremony of some sort)" doesn't equate to "casual family get together"...

Loopytiles · 13/07/2017 15:46

Have you fully explored ways to recoup some of the costs?

Or having a US holiday near where you're flying into.

HurtleTheTurtle · 13/07/2017 15:47

And, any chance she is pregnant?

MsSusanStoHelit · 13/07/2017 15:48

Yeah, she's being awful, YANBU. She must understand that a) the expense is huge and you may not be made of money and b) that she's just taken a really special event away from your parents 'on a whim'.

I get marrying on a whim, I really do, I think eloping is a wonderful thing - but this wasn't that. This was a decision to fuck up a lot of people's already laid plans to come and celebrate with her. It's really selfish.

What do your poor parents think about this?

And @MrsTerryPratchett I take your point, I really do, particularly about the first part - her being upset that her sister wouldn't come and celebrate. That's something that I think the sister does have a right to be a bit hurt about. But the rest of it... no, she should have thought it through properly, it can't have been that much of a whim if other more local family members were able to be there.

twisterinyogapants · 13/07/2017 15:49

What do your parents say can you cancel anything?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2017 15:50

Have you ever visited her OP?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2017 15:52

@MsSusanStoHelit (nice name BTW) I do get it. I just wanted to put another side because everyone is saying how dreadful and selfish and awful the sister is. She might just be a bit focused on her own stuff, sad her sister doesn't visit and have her own reasons. Also, without kids I wouldn't have known how awful traveling with them can be.

Iris65 · 13/07/2017 15:52

That is so thoughtless and disrespectful of you and your parents. I would try and enjoy the trip despite the non wedding event though as you can't claim a refund.

HurtleTheTurtle · 13/07/2017 15:54

I am not entirely sure how an 8 hour drive can take you two days either. Surely an 8 hour drive will take you 8 hours? Or 10 hours with two hours of rest broken into half an hour, one hour and half an hour.

sonjadog · 13/07/2017 15:56

Maybe she thinks it would be nice to show you her home and have her family gathered together, and that was more important to her than the marriage ceremony?

Loopytiles · 13/07/2017 15:57

I wouldn't want to do an 8 hour drive in one day with tiny DC.

HurtleTheTurtle · 13/07/2017 15:59

Loopytiles Why not?