To be angry about this 'non' wedding?

[Shufflebumnessie]

My sister announced last year that she was getting married and the wedding would take place in the US (where she's lived for 10 years). We declined the invite as it was too expensive, sister kicks up a fuss and my parents kindly offered to pay for our flights in order to keep the peace.
Fast forward to now & the wedding is taking place in a few weeks - flights/hotels/car hire/parking etc are all paid for and it's cost us a small fortune even without the flights. Once we arrive in the US we have an 8 hour drive from the airport to where they live as it's pretty remote, which will take us 2 days as we'll have DS (5) & DD (5 months) with us & need plenty of stops etc. We then have 5 nights in the area they live followed by a repeat of the 8 hour drive to get back to the airport.
After the initial reluctance we were actually looking forward to it, especially the wedding. A few days ago, whilst mooching on Facebook, I saw some photos that my sister had been tagged in....on her wedding day!!! It turns out that they decided to get married on a whim (although still managed to invite a few friends and the grooms parents - who live a couple of hours drive from them). They've now decided the 'event' in August is a casual family get-together!!! Originally we were told there was a pre- wedding dinner, now that's become take -out pizza in the back yard and the actual 'wedding' (apparently there will still be a ceremony of some sort) is taking place in the back yard and everyone is expected to contribute some sort of food. When questioned about all this she just pretty much shrugged it off and said it will be a good opportunity for the family to get together - the only other family going are my parents and we see them all the time!! We also see my sister on a semi-regular basis as she comes to the UK for business a few times a year.

So now we're travelling thousands of miles with a young baby to attend a 'non' wedding, which is costing us a lot of money, is a logistical nightmare and now we have to take our own bloody food!! Am I justified in being absolutely fuming? I really wish we'd just declined my parents offer to pay and stuck with original plan of not going. We looked into cancelling but would have lost way too much money. Sorry for the long post I just needed to rant!

Use the flights - pop in for the day then go and stay somewhere else?
I think I'd cancel on principal - selfish mare!

I personally think that breaking the day might be good, just not attempt to do a lot of sightseeing as well as the drive. When I was pregnant we went to Cornwall and took us a good 8h drive. We swore we would not under any circumstances do it again and would maybe do 5 + 3 at most. It was endless, hot, difficult... Now, with two little ones, I can't even do a 3h drive without real drama / sickness / etc. I'd definitely break the journey.

I also think it is a bit harsh to suggest OP doesn't care because she's not prepared to pay however much it is... The trip is likely to cost 4-5k with flights, hotels and food. Even if parents pay half, it's a huge cost. I have also recently moved, I have two under-5s and wouldn't be able to get £2k at the moment no matter what for, my only resource would be to max out the credit card and that would mean to struggle next month. In any case, OP has done so and found pennies where there weren't much, so it's clear she cares.

The excuse about Facebook / email is just not true. She didn't know how to tell you, so she delayed it until she had thought about it, but you asked first. She could have called the night before, or even ask a friend to stream it for you. She (in my opinion) knew that you'd be upset and you'd try to change her mind / ask her not to do it, hence why she didn't inform you. Not because she didn't care, but because her own desires came first, which I personally think it's what matters to her most. Nothing really wrong with doing things your way, but it's not very reasonable when you've forced other people to make arrangements and plans to suit you, then change them without allowing for them to do the same. A bit selfish. But she's your sister, a beautiful occasion and I guess it's better to meet her husband and family than holding this forever as "the incident" that broke the relationship

Been thinking a lot about this thread and the sister won't know how much pain she has caused her mother until she has a child herself. And then imagines that child thoughtlessly casting them aside. She won't know the pain, she won't feel the pain for many years but..... when the moment comes she'll get it. It'll be a long time, a long time to come around but it won't be lost. Karma is coming

Agree with the holiday in the airport area. Obviously speak to your parents first, but I'd think something along the lines of this is more than reasonable: 'Congratulations on your marriage. As the wedding's no longer happening at xxxx, I'm sure you'll understand that a 16 hour round-trip drive with a new baby and restless 5 year old is a bit too much for us to contemplate for a buffet. We're already worried about the long flight so now decided to stay much nearer the airport; I'm sure there will be plenty of times for us to meet the in-laws when our two are old enough to remember it.

We'd love to see you and DH at [choose convenient for you town] and we'll take you out for a celebratory meal. Let us know which of these days suits.

It seems more common in the U.S. to have a small civil wedding and then later have a religious wedding and/or event on the same scale as the wedding for everyone to be invovled but that's usually because a specific bureaucratic deadline has come in needing the marriage to have happened, and not usually when the wedding/event combo has already been arranged with people flying in internationally!!

I try and recoup as much of the financial outlay as possible. Just as sister dearest has put herself first and shown absolutely no thought to her family in terms of upset caused, the huge financial outlay, the time off work, the logistics of travelling with two children...I'd put the needs of my children first and stay at home.

You're a much lovelier person than me OP to travel all that way for £££ with all the logistical hooha that entails and not dunk your sister face first in the taramasalata.

And for a buffet lunch?! Ffs.

I'd be FUMING! What a prat of a sister