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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry about this 'non' wedding?

282 replies

Shufflebumnessie · 13/07/2017 14:53

My sister announced last year that she was getting married and the wedding would take place in the US (where she's lived for 10 years). We declined the invite as it was too expensive, sister kicks up a fuss and my parents kindly offered to pay for our flights in order to keep the peace.
Fast forward to now & the wedding is taking place in a few weeks - flights/hotels/car hire/parking etc are all paid for and it's cost us a small fortune even without the flights. Once we arrive in the US we have an 8 hour drive from the airport to where they live as it's pretty remote, which will take us 2 days as we'll have DS (5) & DD (5 months) with us & need plenty of stops etc. We then have 5 nights in the area they live followed by a repeat of the 8 hour drive to get back to the airport.
After the initial reluctance we were actually looking forward to it, especially the wedding. A few days ago, whilst mooching on Facebook, I saw some photos that my sister had been tagged in....on her wedding day!!! It turns out that they decided to get married on a whim (although still managed to invite a few friends and the grooms parents - who live a couple of hours drive from them). They've now decided the 'event' in August is a casual family get-together!!! Originally we were told there was a pre- wedding dinner, now that's become take -out pizza in the back yard and the actual 'wedding' (apparently there will still be a ceremony of some sort) is taking place in the back yard and everyone is expected to contribute some sort of food. When questioned about all this she just pretty much shrugged it off and said it will be a good opportunity for the family to get together - the only other family going are my parents and we see them all the time!! We also see my sister on a semi-regular basis as she comes to the UK for business a few times a year.

So now we're travelling thousands of miles with a young baby to attend a 'non' wedding, which is costing us a lot of money, is a logistical nightmare and now we have to take our own bloody food!! Am I justified in being absolutely fuming? I really wish we'd just declined my parents offer to pay and stuck with original plan of not going. We looked into cancelling but would have lost way too much money. Sorry for the long post I just needed to rant!

OP posts:
nomad5 · 14/07/2017 20:17

YANBU, rant away

BIL got married a few years ago in a very remote overseas location. We planned to go (with very young DC) but logistically we decided in the end it was going to be an expensive nightmare to bring the kids. DH went, I stayed at home with the kids. I thought I was not BU given DH went, but BIL was pissy about me and the kids not coming for a long time.

Later found out that BIL and his wife got married in the UK before they left!!!! I mean they did have a fancy ceremony at the remote location.... but it seems like a bit pointless when they were already married for weeks beforehand?!

Abra1d · 14/07/2017 20:21

You don't have to make an eight-hour drive take two days.

We have driven 540 miles with babies and toddlers in a single day three times a year. It's actually less stressful than spending the night somewhere.

Your sister would have made me furious, though. YANBU.

MaisieDotes · 14/07/2017 20:34

I would just make up an excuse and bow out.

No way would I be on for that journey with a 5yo and a 5mo for a pizza in the garden.

No.

silky1985 · 14/07/2017 20:39

why don't you make into a holiday look at what you can do around that area she lives. but I think if you are going to be miserable the whole time I would recommend you don't go at all

HipsterHunter · 14/07/2017 20:41

@nomad5 most people who get married abroad do that.... not generally a legal wedding abroad.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 14/07/2017 20:44

You don't have to make an eight-hour drive take two days

For sure.

Mumteedum · 14/07/2017 20:47

But it's an 8 hour drive after a long flight. You can't have baby in car seat for the total time even if you had the energy to do it, surely?

cafetea · 14/07/2017 20:55

Now the wedding obligation has been removed do you want to go on a long plane flight with your kids? If not don't go just to have a holiday somewhere you don't want to be. Can your parents get the money back for the flights?

KirstyLaura · 14/07/2017 20:57

Un-fucking-believable! I would be furious to the point of not speaking to her for the foreseeable future. That being said, I love the States, there's something to see just about everywhere. The flights are paid for, if you can't cancel or rebook for later in the year, then go and make a holiday of it. I'd personally be forgoing the 8 hour drive sister bound (for ONE lousy night!!) in preference of driving in the direction of sight seeing instead! Let us know what you decide. Your sister needs her head seeing to, selfish bitch.

Madwoman5 · 14/07/2017 21:02

I was all for having family time and treat it as a visit not a wedding.......until you mentioned she was going on hm the day after.
You do not "pop" over to the states to see someone for a day with a baby in tow, parents in tow and an eight hour onward trip.
Posting to fb before telling her mum is low but getting you all over there on false pretences and promises is even lower.
Someone needs to have a word and try not to use the wtaf response that readers of this post are saying, including me!
Are you supposed to be staying at her house for the duration? Are his parents hosting you? What arrangements are in place for you when they go?
I would be making that call and transferring my tickets right now.

Lallypop · 14/07/2017 21:05

Altiara. I take it all back

Lallypop · 14/07/2017 21:08

I hadn't realised they were going on honeymoon the day after either 🤦‍♀️

ilikefastcars · 14/07/2017 21:19

Fly to America just for a pizza? Fuck that shit I would be staying at home. I wouldn't be telling her either! Shocking behaviour!

BeeThirtythree · 14/07/2017 21:21

Oh I have read a few posts on here that left me speechless but this left me fuming!!! YANBU AT ALL!! With 2 young DC, 5 month old travelling that distance for a family bar b q and get together now?
I am sorry you and your family are going through this...not sure how your parents feel? Talk to them and see what they suggest?
Hopefully the lovely people of MN will come up with something. I hope you do get a good reason when face to face! Hugs

Phineyj · 14/07/2017 21:21

I don't know what you should do about the practical issues (although as your DPs paid, I think you'll have to agree on a way forward with them). However, use it as an opportunity to re-evaluate your relationship with DSis. I had an incident with my sister a couple of years ago that made it plain she didn't consider me/DH 'close family' and so I took a step back and started treating her the same way. I'm much happier with the cooler relationship. YANBU, but when someone show you who they are, pay attention.

Socksey · 14/07/2017 21:32

*HurtleTheTurtle

I am not entirely sure how an 8 hour drive can take you two days either. Surely an 8 hour drive will take you 8 hours? Or 10 hours with two hours of rest broken into half an hour, one hour and half an hour.*

Really?
DSis has basically just told her family they're not important enough to see her married but they should suck it up and tyot over (at great expense) for a family get together.. .. because family is so important to her etc... 🤔

Xmasbaby11 · 14/07/2017 21:46

Wow, OP, that's really upsetting. Personally, I would not go at all. The flights are paid for but there are a lot of other expenses and tbh travelling with dc that young is unlikely to be fun. Flying there but not seeing her would I think feel a bit sad and tainted to me. I'd rather cut my losses and not go. Obviously it's your DPs who paid for the flights so it would depend on their reactions too.

That's IME anyway - we have not been abroad with our dc 3 and 5 yet but holidays in the UK have been our limit!

Sara107 · 14/07/2017 21:53

I would be very upset about this. How do your parents feel, especially as they have paid for it all? Could you cancel without losing too much? Or change the flights to somewhere else and just have a holiday, without the 8 hr drive thrown in? Would travel insurance cover cancellation of a wedding trip if there is no actual wedding to attend?

Offred · 14/07/2017 22:14

Meh... does it really matter? I mean really? So they did the official bit already but there is still gonna be the family bit at the time you were expecting it to happen...

Just say to her, obviously you aren't gonna do the ridiculous drive + bring food, and celebrate her marriage with her as planned.

KirstyLaura · 14/07/2017 22:25

Sorry Offred, I'm not sure I follow. Are you suggesting a pizza takeaway and a one night visit holds the same value as a wedding and weeks holiday together? Hmm I'm not sure how in any world this could be deemed acceptable behaviour.

becausebecausebecause · 14/07/2017 22:37

Hell would freeze over before I'd fly and drive all that way for backyard pizza, no wedding and no sister the day after. Cut your losses and refuse to go. She is a piss taker of enormous proportions. What's the saying? When someone shows you who they are, listen?

VimFuego101 · 14/07/2017 22:47

YANBU, what an absolute piss take. A couple of things did occur to me though. Could she be pregnant and need to be married to him to get covered by his medical insurance? Or is he a manipulative arse who engineered this situation deliberately to prevent her family being at the wedding? If neither of those apply then I stand by my original comment.

jkpw · 14/07/2017 22:57

Socksey, have ever travelled with two small children? They can't do eight hours straight through. Especially a five month old. You have to expect to stop every couple hours and each stop will probably take minimum 30 minutes, likely longer if mum is breastfeeding, because once baby is done mum needs a bathroom break. So at minimum what is an eight hour trip for adults turns out to be at least ten hours with two kids. Factor in the long plane ride and the time change just prior, and you have pure hell. No thank you, I will call for pizza delivery and FaceTime! Grin

driveninsanebythehubby · 14/07/2017 23:02

Delancy I presume that you are the sister as that's the only explanation for your comments! You'd think that your sister was 'mean' if she said she couldn't afford to come to your wedding if you lived in a different country? How entitled are you? YOU choose to move away and then throw the teddy out of the pram if your family genuinely can't afford to come to your wedding? Do you really think it says it all about how your sister feels about you? People cannot magic money and make it appear, even for something like this. A family of 4 would be a very expensive trip anyway - we're not just talking about being able to find a couple of hundred quid now, are we? And in this case the sister did find a way - the parents paid for the flights, but the OP was still having to find a huge amount of money for other costs.

Now, despite all this, you think that because in the first instance the OP said she couldn't afford it, it's ok that the sister got married a few weeks in advance instead (on a whim but still able to invite her fiance's family and local friends) so that her family missed the wedding ceremony that she was so upset would be missed? Then to expect them to bring food with them for a pot luck dinner, despite the fact they will be travelling for a couple of days.... and the icing on the cake is that the morning after the 'party' she's going off on her honeymoon. But still the sister isn't in the wrong according to you!

Obviously you are completely right and this was a fuck you to the OP for not wanting to come to start with. Well done. Such a shame though that the poor parents have been devastated as a tiny side affect but it's the OP who's wrong to I guess that is her fault too?

Honestly - if you aren't the sister you are a nasty troll.

OP - you are most definitely not being unreasonable. I feel awful for you. I would only be repeating what others have said in terms of advice, I just wanted to be another to add my support.

driveninsanebythehubby · 14/07/2017 23:05

Offred Have you read the full thread? Do you realise that the OP's sister has told them that they are now leaving the next morning on their honeymoon?