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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry about this 'non' wedding?

282 replies

Shufflebumnessie · 13/07/2017 14:53

My sister announced last year that she was getting married and the wedding would take place in the US (where she's lived for 10 years). We declined the invite as it was too expensive, sister kicks up a fuss and my parents kindly offered to pay for our flights in order to keep the peace.
Fast forward to now & the wedding is taking place in a few weeks - flights/hotels/car hire/parking etc are all paid for and it's cost us a small fortune even without the flights. Once we arrive in the US we have an 8 hour drive from the airport to where they live as it's pretty remote, which will take us 2 days as we'll have DS (5) & DD (5 months) with us & need plenty of stops etc. We then have 5 nights in the area they live followed by a repeat of the 8 hour drive to get back to the airport.
After the initial reluctance we were actually looking forward to it, especially the wedding. A few days ago, whilst mooching on Facebook, I saw some photos that my sister had been tagged in....on her wedding day!!! It turns out that they decided to get married on a whim (although still managed to invite a few friends and the grooms parents - who live a couple of hours drive from them). They've now decided the 'event' in August is a casual family get-together!!! Originally we were told there was a pre- wedding dinner, now that's become take -out pizza in the back yard and the actual 'wedding' (apparently there will still be a ceremony of some sort) is taking place in the back yard and everyone is expected to contribute some sort of food. When questioned about all this she just pretty much shrugged it off and said it will be a good opportunity for the family to get together - the only other family going are my parents and we see them all the time!! We also see my sister on a semi-regular basis as she comes to the UK for business a few times a year.

So now we're travelling thousands of miles with a young baby to attend a 'non' wedding, which is costing us a lot of money, is a logistical nightmare and now we have to take our own bloody food!! Am I justified in being absolutely fuming? I really wish we'd just declined my parents offer to pay and stuck with original plan of not going. We looked into cancelling but would have lost way too much money. Sorry for the long post I just needed to rant!

OP posts:
TheMysteriousJackelope · 13/07/2017 21:49

The OP has stated that the area she is going to is not one she'd choose for a holiday. There are some areas of the US that have me praying for death just driving through them they are so boring.

Where is your sister's honeymoon going to be? If it is somewhere like New York, San Francisco or a place that you fancy visiting I'd look into changing the tickets for there, having a nice holiday with your parents and possibly meet up with your sister and DBIL for a meal or an afternoon. After what she's tried to pull I'm afraid I would no longer consider her honeymoon to be sacrosanct.

Notknownatthisaddress · 13/07/2017 21:50

Sod that OP. I would still go to the states if I were you, but don't even go to your sister's at all. Fuck her.

notafish · 13/07/2017 21:51

I'd cancel too in these circumstances. I can't think of anything worse than flying long haul and driving for hours with a baby for a trip of less than a week if I didn't have to and there wasn't something spectacular to be gained at the end of it.

Are any parts of the trip refundable or transferable? Your poor parents. What an awful thing for your sister to have done to them (and you)

Notknownatthisaddress · 13/07/2017 22:00

The sister does sound like a selfish arse. What she has done to her own family is fucking disgusting. Dragging them multiple 1000's of miles away at great cost and hassle, and then having the fucking wedding BEFORE they come, when they can't get a refund on their tickets, or change their plans easily.

What a self-absorbed, entitled, selfish diva. As some posters have said; her poor parents. And shame on anyone defending her.

I would NOT be going if I was the OP, and I wouldn't TELL her I wasn't going either.

SquashedInTight · 13/07/2017 22:02

Don't go - or use the flights and car hire but go somewhere else. Somewhere nicer, with your mum and dad. Don't go near the sister.

WicksEnd · 13/07/2017 22:10

Fuck that! How can someone be so bloody oblivious! What kind of planet does she live on Shock Selfishfuckerland?
Quit while you're ahead and tell her you'll pizza at home thank you very much.

Fletchasaurus · 13/07/2017 22:10

Gosh what a mess! Sounds like a terrible situation to be in! The sister has been incredibly unfair and quite stupid to put you all through this!!

SouthWindsWesterly · 13/07/2017 22:54

Actually I'm not sure the relationship would be repairable for me if I was the OP. Travelling with children, one a newborn on a transatlantic flight plus driving to the middle of nowhere only for the event to have already occurred and my sister buggering off three days after I get to hers? Nope - fuck that for a bunch of ponies. The onus is on the sister to make this up however I think that the sister will see anyone pointing this out to her as pissing on her newly married parade.

Is there no chance you can claim on insurance?

Groupie123 · 13/07/2017 23:09

Would personally try to change my destination on the flight. Or take the car, pick up your parents, and drive elsewhere. Your sister and her dh sound like bastards.

user1476869312 · 13/07/2017 23:15

Oh that is grim, poor you and your poor parents. I would suggest your dad contacts the airline/travel agent and finds out what options there are regarding your tickets - change the date, or the destination, or whether the tickets could be sold on to someone else ( though there may not be much demand for tickets to Asshole City, Nowheresville)?

CoughLaughFart · 13/07/2017 23:18

Even before the OP responded, I don't understand how people could think it was ever a case of 'small legal ceremony and big party for everyone'. The opening post stated very clearly that the sister got married on a whim and then changed the party plans. What is so hard to understand about that?

The sister has obviously twigged at some point that her impromptu wedding might have been a teensy bit selfish - hence the hastily cooked up 'pizza and potluck'. I wouldn't be travelling 16 hours for that if you paid me. But something tells me that if the OP doesn't, the princess of a sister will turn it into 'I can't believe you didn't even come to my wedding blessing!'

chowmeinchick · 13/07/2017 23:30

So your mum and dad didn't know about the wedding either?! This is fucking ridiculous and I'd be so pissed off. To be honest, I would try and claim the money back and not bother going over at all. This is so bloody rude of your sister! Family clearly isn't at the top of her priorities, the least she could have done was tell you all about the change of plan. A 'get together' ... with people you see regularly? I'm sure there would be nicer places you could go, instead of to a sisters house. Shame you couldn't have booked a wicked holiday somewhere else with your parents! What a waste of money.

Hope you're okay OP.

OlennasWimple · 13/07/2017 23:32

At least if you had had to shlep to Maui it would have been hot and beautiful

emmyrose2000 · 14/07/2017 02:57

Sister is a selfish bitch.

I'd contact the travel agent and see what my options were. If possible, I'd still use the flights, but go somewhere else. Under no circumstances would I visit the sister.

A stunt like this would cause me to cut my sister off.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/07/2017 03:12

Oh fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I'd be looking into getting refunds on the flights, or failing that; would it be possible for your and your parents to fly there and then bugger off to another nicer part of the country for a proper holiday, and just blow your arsewipe-sister off completely?

steff13 · 14/07/2017 03:14

What state is it? If everything is paid for, I'd go but forgo the 8-hour drive and have fun close to where you're flying in.

steff13 · 14/07/2017 03:16

If they happen to live in Ohio, I can tell you all sorts of fun things to do. Wink

steff13 · 14/07/2017 03:16

If they happen to live in Ohio, I can tell you all sorts of fun things to do. Wink

OnTheRebound · 14/07/2017 03:44

OP you say that where your sister lives isn't an area you'd choose for a holiday.
But I can't believe that an 8 hour journey (from the airport to your sister's) doesn't contain something of interest or some natural beauty.
Many years ago we took a 6 month-old, a 2.5 year old and a 6 year old to Oregon and California, staying in motels and not driving more than 100 miles a day. It was the best family holiday ever.
Since then we have been to the US many times (DS, DiL and GCs live there) and I'm always amazed at the diversity of the country and the friendliness of Americans towards us.
Get a copy of the Lonely Planet guide for the area you're going to and be inspired.
Good luck and I hope you enjoy your travels.

PoochSmooch · 14/07/2017 09:00

Wow. That is amazingly selfish of your sister. You must be feeling very hurt. I'm a veteran of family fallouts caused by people getting het up over international visiting, but this really takes the biscuit.

When people make it clear that for them, you're an option - don't make them a priority.

In your parent's shoes, I'd be on the phone to the airline sorting out options, and in your shoes I would be telling them as gently as I could that I was sorry they'd had to fork out, but I would not be getting on the plane as planned.

NotWeavingButDarning · 14/07/2017 15:14

OnTheRebound I suspect you've never been to the Midwest Grin

Not that we know where this non-event is taking place, but there are some parts of the US that are a v. v. diiferent kettle of fish from the west coast and where 8 hours of nothingness are totally possible.

a1poshpaws · 14/07/2017 17:23

YANBU. Full stop.

deesco · 14/07/2017 17:29

What an absolute beeyatch!!!

  1. to do that to you when she knows you've all forked out so much and made plans etc (AND with a v young baby)
  2. Didn't even tell you!!!!!! She should AT LEAST have spoken to you all before this - perhaps when it even crossed her mind??!?!?!?! Wow. I would be SERIOUSLY pissed off. I guess, try and enjoy it as a holiday at least? Hugs to you xxxx
sunshine11 · 14/07/2017 17:30

Cancel it all. She is being hugely selfish. Explain that baby is poorly. Hopefully your parents will get a refund on flights and you'll get refund on the part you've paid for. Spend the refunded money on something enjoyable for the family.

Better to feel guilty than resentful!

deesco · 14/07/2017 17:31

By the sound of it I can imagine she would. She sounds incredibly self-absorbed.