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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry about this 'non' wedding?

282 replies

Shufflebumnessie · 13/07/2017 14:53

My sister announced last year that she was getting married and the wedding would take place in the US (where she's lived for 10 years). We declined the invite as it was too expensive, sister kicks up a fuss and my parents kindly offered to pay for our flights in order to keep the peace.
Fast forward to now & the wedding is taking place in a few weeks - flights/hotels/car hire/parking etc are all paid for and it's cost us a small fortune even without the flights. Once we arrive in the US we have an 8 hour drive from the airport to where they live as it's pretty remote, which will take us 2 days as we'll have DS (5) & DD (5 months) with us & need plenty of stops etc. We then have 5 nights in the area they live followed by a repeat of the 8 hour drive to get back to the airport.
After the initial reluctance we were actually looking forward to it, especially the wedding. A few days ago, whilst mooching on Facebook, I saw some photos that my sister had been tagged in....on her wedding day!!! It turns out that they decided to get married on a whim (although still managed to invite a few friends and the grooms parents - who live a couple of hours drive from them). They've now decided the 'event' in August is a casual family get-together!!! Originally we were told there was a pre- wedding dinner, now that's become take -out pizza in the back yard and the actual 'wedding' (apparently there will still be a ceremony of some sort) is taking place in the back yard and everyone is expected to contribute some sort of food. When questioned about all this she just pretty much shrugged it off and said it will be a good opportunity for the family to get together - the only other family going are my parents and we see them all the time!! We also see my sister on a semi-regular basis as she comes to the UK for business a few times a year.

So now we're travelling thousands of miles with a young baby to attend a 'non' wedding, which is costing us a lot of money, is a logistical nightmare and now we have to take our own bloody food!! Am I justified in being absolutely fuming? I really wish we'd just declined my parents offer to pay and stuck with original plan of not going. We looked into cancelling but would have lost way too much money. Sorry for the long post I just needed to rant!

OP posts:
FuckYouLinda · 13/07/2017 17:14

I've three siblings abroad. One is not too far so I can visit maybe once a year.

The others are on the other side of the world and even the flight alone for just me is unaffordable as I'm on a very low income. They on the other hand have very good, well-paying jobs (by their own admission) so they come home once a year and I get to see them then. I would be so hurt if they thought that me not ever coming to visit was a choice I make - it's really not. I'd love to see the lives they made for themselves but it won't happen for some time. Luckily they recognise that flights are too expensive for me and would not expect me to visit.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 13/07/2017 17:20

Hurtle I am sure the baby will be fine after 8 hours in a car seat, it isn't going to be much fun for the baby or the parents though. And no, I didn't take my DC back to the UK to visit family until they were past the baby stage and didn't have to spend over 10 hours strapped into car seats on a packed flight.

user1496777666 · 13/07/2017 17:25

YANBU , if your DSis had taken the time to call you or even PM you to explain her change of plans it would have at least shown she appreciated the effort and expense you were going to. As it is her actions come across as very inconsiderate and I would feel the same as you. I say that as someone who took the difficult decision to move away from my family, part of that decision was the knowledge that visits would be rare due to the constraints of time/money/family life. It's perfectly understandable that those visits would be saved for the chance to share a special occasion.

Out2pasture · 13/07/2017 17:31

A North American 8 hr drive can easily be done in one day. It will be tortuous dragging that out over two days coming and going.

Rubies12345 · 13/07/2017 17:40

OP which airport are you flying to?

If it's somewhere nice could you make a holiday there for 1 week and not drive 8 hours to the fake wedding?

Ta1kinPeace · 13/07/2017 17:43

Sorry but nowhere in the US is 8 hours from a hub airport.
All sounds very odd to me

Kittychatcat · 13/07/2017 18:07

Op, YANBU

The whole point of your trip was to attend a wedding. That wedding has already taken place without you being there. Unless your sister lives in a place that you are keen to visit, I would cancel the trip even if you won't get most of your money back. A long flight followed by a long drive with a 5 month old baby isn't worth doing for a pizza night and a pot luck supper.

Headofthehive55 · 13/07/2017 18:18

Not visiting shouldn't be associated with not caring.

Unfortunately the pressure (and desire) to visit loved ones abroad can be financially devastating.
I know someone who had to give up her home due to spending money visiting her daughter abroad.

OlennasWimple · 13/07/2017 18:38

Have you looked into low cost airlines to fly onwards from your arrival airport? Airlines like Spirit don't show up on Expedia searches but do often serve the smaller regional airports (like EasyJet in Europe), so you need to do a bit more digging to find out the possibilities.

If you start by finding out which airlines use your arrival airport (the airport page, or even Wikipedia, should have this info), you can look into what the possibilities are. It still might be cheaper and easier to drive for 8 hours, but there are really very few places in the US where this is the case.

Incitatis · 13/07/2017 18:47

That's a hell of a long way to go for a takeout pizza Confused

SunnyCoco · 13/07/2017 18:56

Yeh I would not be going to this
My sister did something very similar and tbh in my own mind I've never really forgiven her

Original poster
Shufflebumnessie · 13/07/2017 19:27

Grrr, I typed a long reply and then the page crashed!! I hadn't "buggered off" but life with children got in the way of social media ;)

So to try and answer some of the points raised - sister & I get on well although she has always been a bit of a diva.
My parents found out through FB as well. My mum rang to tell me just as I was trying to work out how to tell them what had happened - at least I didn't have to do that!
The only reason we initially declined was due to finances, my dad kindly removed a part of that burden and we can just about cover the rest.
There are more local airports but none have flights to/from the UK. We looked at flying from the airport we are landing in but the prices were extortionate (car hire was much cheaper!) and generally had two stops which meant it would take even longer than driving.
We're driving over 2 days as we don't want DD stuck in her car seat for hours and we're planning on seeing a few places on the way.
We have been out to visit (although not to where they live now) a couple of times. We were planning on a visit in 2019 (which sister was aware of) due to needing to save up and wanting DD to be a bit older.
I forgot to mention that they have now announced that they will be heading off on HM the morning after the wedding, whereas before we were going to spend the week going out & about all together.
This is not somewhere we would choose as a holiday destination.
My parents are furious, my mum is heartbroken that her daughter didn't even tell her about it and that she found out on social media. My dad's fuming at the amount it's cost him. Sister maintains she was going to send an email saying that they'd got married but that mum contacted her before she had a chance, who knows....
My parents are flying earlier than us so we won't be driving together.
Apologies if there is anything I've missed out!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2017 19:29

That does sound supremely shit. And I was Team DSis.

Sad
mygorgeousmilo · 13/07/2017 19:34

Look into either cancelling, or rearranging to something that will be nice for you as a family. Sod that

Nocabbageinmyeye · 13/07/2017 19:38

Jeepers I would be raging too! Wtf was she thinking! Your parents must be so hurt

Mrsemcgregor · 13/07/2017 19:39

I think you and your parents need to get together and work out a plan for going forwards.

Can the tickets be transferred for example? Most transatlantic airlines will let you change destination or date.

It doesn't seem worth going to your sisters now, especially if she is buggering off on honeymoon a day later. Sis doesn't seem to care that much about family after all.

MaidOfStars · 13/07/2017 19:41

The only valid excuse I can conjure up is a terminal illness that is heavily time-sensitive. Surely pregnancy wouldn't require a date to be brought forward by a few weeks?

TheMysteriousJackelope · 13/07/2017 19:44

You will be travelling all that way for a Domino's pizza one evening, a backyard potluck the following day and then to wave your sister and brother in law off on their honeymoon when they got married a few weeks previously 'just because'?

What the hell is your sister thinking?

ScissorBow · 13/07/2017 19:44

Change the relationship to the bride and the country with the remote location and you've got exactly what I had to do with a young DD. Loathed every single second of it and regretted wasting my money on a non wedding. Actual wedding in my case was literally across the road from where I work on a day I work. First I knew was photos on Facebook outside the window of my office! If I was you I'd work out a way to get my money back and not go.

waterrat · 13/07/2017 20:00

Your sister is heading off on honeymoon while her whole family are visiting from another continent ? That is totally bonkers

AvoidingCallenetics · 13/07/2017 20:13

So she's not even going to be there for the entirety of your stay? Fuck that - either treat the trip like a holiday and don't bother seeing your sister or cancel and try to get some of the money back, if poss!
Your poor parents Sad

Tofutti · 13/07/2017 20:21

Is the non-wedding in a nice state/city? I would just give on holiday there.

Don't make the 8 drive to your sister's. Tell her she's welcome to visit you in the city/town.

Such shitty behaviour from your sis shouldn't be enabled/rewarded.

TeaChest100 · 13/07/2017 20:22

Oh OP it sounds awful. I understand about the 8 hours drive - driving that far with two small DC having just had a long flight etc sounds horrible.

I would clarify just how long you would all spend together (to rule out misunderstanding) and if it's only a day or two I'd not go.

I don't really understand 'too expensive not to go'. When it's something you don't want to go to then to don't - at least you'll get to spend the week doing something you want to do. Let's face it, what you'd spend at the airport on food etc would probably pay for a nice day out on your holiday-at-home!

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 13/07/2017 20:22

Your sister sounds incredibly self involved Hmm

I'd say good luck to you but it sounds like she'll need the luck when you all rock up to her doorstep having navigated all the shit you've had to do with kids in tow.

Mysteriouscurle · 13/07/2017 20:30

I dont think its necessarily fair to feel hurt if family don't travel to see you in the USA Mrs TP. Not everyone has the kind of money to make this an option. I would feel quite manipulated in the OPs shoes.

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