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Original poster

To be angry about this 'non' wedding?

282 replies

Shufflebumnessie · 13/07/2017 14:53

My sister announced last year that she was getting married and the wedding would take place in the US (where she's lived for 10 years). We declined the invite as it was too expensive, sister kicks up a fuss and my parents kindly offered to pay for our flights in order to keep the peace.
Fast forward to now & the wedding is taking place in a few weeks - flights/hotels/car hire/parking etc are all paid for and it's cost us a small fortune even without the flights. Once we arrive in the US we have an 8 hour drive from the airport to where they live as it's pretty remote, which will take us 2 days as we'll have DS (5) & DD (5 months) with us & need plenty of stops etc. We then have 5 nights in the area they live followed by a repeat of the 8 hour drive to get back to the airport.
After the initial reluctance we were actually looking forward to it, especially the wedding. A few days ago, whilst mooching on Facebook, I saw some photos that my sister had been tagged in....on her wedding day!!! It turns out that they decided to get married on a whim (although still managed to invite a few friends and the grooms parents - who live a couple of hours drive from them). They've now decided the 'event' in August is a casual family get-together!!! Originally we were told there was a pre- wedding dinner, now that's become take -out pizza in the back yard and the actual 'wedding' (apparently there will still be a ceremony of some sort) is taking place in the back yard and everyone is expected to contribute some sort of food. When questioned about all this she just pretty much shrugged it off and said it will be a good opportunity for the family to get together - the only other family going are my parents and we see them all the time!! We also see my sister on a semi-regular basis as she comes to the UK for business a few times a year.

So now we're travelling thousands of miles with a young baby to attend a 'non' wedding, which is costing us a lot of money, is a logistical nightmare and now we have to take our own bloody food!! Am I justified in being absolutely fuming? I really wish we'd just declined my parents offer to pay and stuck with original plan of not going. We looked into cancelling but would have lost way too much money. Sorry for the long post I just needed to rant!

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 13/07/2017 16:02

Yeah I agree with Hurtle, an eight hour drive shouldnt take two days unless there are exceptional circumstances. I've done lots of long drives, the first being for fourteen hours when DS was three weeks old and I did all the driving plus had the dog with me.

As a general rule for every four hours of trip I allow an extra 3/4 for stops and breaks. If OP can split it between her and her DH it would be even easier.

I appreciate its annoying OP, but driving in the US is pretty easy, it's one of the easiest countries to drive in IMHO and could it be that your annoyance is (understandably) making it out to be more of an epic trek than it is? Smile

mmgirish · 13/07/2017 16:03

Oh my god! That is terrible! Your sister has been very inconsiderate here. Doesn't she care about all the time, effort and money you have put into this trip??

Chathamhouserules · 13/07/2017 16:03

I'd do the drive in one day if it meant longer relaxing once I got there, better than stop-starting. That's if you can share the driving. If there's somewhere nice to stop maybe have a couple of nights half way (or so) on the way back.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 13/07/2017 16:03

Hurtle the OP has a 5 month old baby as well as an older child so will need to stop to feed and change the baby, added to which it isn't that great for little children to be strapped into a car seat for 8 hours non-stop. Actually it isn't that great for adults either having experienced a 10 hour drive.

GwenStaceyRocks · 13/07/2017 16:04

Have you tried to find out why they had an earlier ceremony? It's such an odd thing to do that it seems likely PPs are right ie your DSIS is separating out the legalities from the celebration/service or there is another reason for bringing it forward.
Maybe your DSIS thinks you weren't that fussed about missing her wedding and only changed your mind when your parents basically offered you a free holiday.
I'd be interested in your parents take on what happened.

HurtleTheTurtle · 13/07/2017 16:05

That's the thing, definitely worth researching the drive, finding a nice play park and eatery outside around the mid-way point. And finding places for another couple of breaks either side.

Are you parents are you sharing a car with you and can they drive?

BewareOfDragons · 13/07/2017 16:06

I wouldn't go. Even if it cost my parents money, I wouldn't go.

Your sister was inconsiderate, and should have taken 'no' for an answer the first time rather than kicking up a fuss and whinging to your parents ... and now what she kicked up a fuss about, YOU BEING THERE FOR HER WEDDING!, is a completely moot point as she went and got married without you. What a selfish, self-centred brat!

Let your parents deal with her. I would be out.

HurtleTheTurtle · 13/07/2017 16:06

TheMysteriousJackelope

If you read my post you will see I am not suggesting that they strap their children into the carseat for 8 hours non stop.

I quite clearly mention that they should stop.

LoupGarou · 13/07/2017 16:08

That's the thing, definitely worth researching the drive, finding a nice play park and eatery outside around the mid-way point. And finding places for another couple of breaks either side.

Yy, and seeing if there are any points of interest you could see as short detours too, it could be a great fun adventure and a great chance to see some extra stuff while you're there.

LoupGarou · 13/07/2017 16:09

Depending on where it is there could be a really amazing scenic drive to get there too, it could end up being the trip of a lifetime Smile

TheMysteriousJackelope · 13/07/2017 16:10

Hurtle It still means strapping the child into a rear facing car seat for 8 hours in one day. Poor five month old.

HurtleTheTurtle · 13/07/2017 16:12

TheMysteriousJackelope

Plenty of five month old babies have done similar journeys and come out the other end unscathed.

Are you also against car seat use on long-haul flights for babies?

5foot5 · 13/07/2017 16:13

Wow! The worst thing about all this is how your poor parents will feel. Does she not realize how hurtful it must be to be excluded from your own DD's wedding? I would be heartbroken to miss something like this.

Maybe nobody will say anything to her in order not to sour the atmosphere of the holiday but if I were your parent's I would be tempted to let her know how incredibly hurt and upset I was about this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2017 16:14

I'm glad that my friends and family wanted to make a few sacrifices to see me get married. 5000 miles away from where most of them live. I wouldn't have made a fuss but I would have been really unhappy if my DBro hadn't come. Of course, he did, no question at all in his mind.

OP has been pregnant or with a small child for 6 of the last 10 years that her DSis has lived in the States. There wasn't really a good time (to make it all about the OP). And it's where she lives, not a jolly.

It's not ideal but the general feelings about the OP's DSis do seem a little rabid.

RhubardGin · 13/07/2017 16:14

I would be furious too. She kicked up so much fuss about her wedding that your parents ended up shelling out a fortune to fly you all over there and she got married without you being in attendance anyway. You're essentially travelling thousands of miles for pizza in her back garden!

How does she expect you to take food when you've travelled from the UK and are driving 8 hours to her home once you land? Cheeky cow.

Do your parents know she is already married? I would be pretty upset if I were them.

HurtleTheTurtle · 13/07/2017 16:14

5foot5 I agree, which makes me wonder if it was the legal / religious aspect to splitting the ceremonies, or if there is a pregnancy involved...

MrsOverTheRoad · 13/07/2017 16:15

Have your parents or you been over there before?

HurtleTheTurtle · 13/07/2017 16:15

MrsTerry Are you the OPs sister in Law?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2017 16:16

Again, potluck is very very common in North America and people travelling a long way would absolutely not be expected to cook and bring something. Buy a bottle on the way?

EllaHen · 13/07/2017 16:16

That kind of drive is hard enough with a 5 year old and 5 month old. However, after a long flight, it's much worse. Poor you, poor kids and poor dh.

I would put my mind to conjuring up a way not to go. I really would.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2017 16:18

Are you the OPs sister in Law? No, but I do know how sad it is to live thousands of miles from family and friends.

PotatoesAreDelicious · 13/07/2017 16:20

After a 3 hour check in, an 8 hour+ flight, I don't feel like driving at all. Even more so if I was tending to young children on a flight.

With a 5 month old baby feeding and changing nappies would make you take several breaks a day, plus the jet lag with the time difference.

You are completely justified in being angry. I would be too.

Vagndidit · 13/07/2017 16:20

I'm also curious as to which US airport you're flying into. There's likely to be a smaller, more regional airport you could connect to that could cut down on the journey. Eight hours is a common and fairly easy (albeit long) drive in the States, but 8 hours is 8 hours, and you'll be jetlagged with small children. Why do that to yourselves?

HurtleTheTurtle · 13/07/2017 16:20

MrsTerry Me too - apologies I misread your second post there which made me ask.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2017 16:21

No worries Hurtle Grin

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