To be angry about this 'non' wedding?

[Shufflebumnessie]

My sister announced last year that she was getting married and the wedding would take place in the US (where she's lived for 10 years). We declined the invite as it was too expensive, sister kicks up a fuss and my parents kindly offered to pay for our flights in order to keep the peace.
Fast forward to now & the wedding is taking place in a few weeks - flights/hotels/car hire/parking etc are all paid for and it's cost us a small fortune even without the flights. Once we arrive in the US we have an 8 hour drive from the airport to where they live as it's pretty remote, which will take us 2 days as we'll have DS (5) & DD (5 months) with us & need plenty of stops etc. We then have 5 nights in the area they live followed by a repeat of the 8 hour drive to get back to the airport.
After the initial reluctance we were actually looking forward to it, especially the wedding. A few days ago, whilst mooching on Facebook, I saw some photos that my sister had been tagged in....on her wedding day!!! It turns out that they decided to get married on a whim (although still managed to invite a few friends and the grooms parents - who live a couple of hours drive from them). They've now decided the 'event' in August is a casual family get-together!!! Originally we were told there was a pre- wedding dinner, now that's become take -out pizza in the back yard and the actual 'wedding' (apparently there will still be a ceremony of some sort) is taking place in the back yard and everyone is expected to contribute some sort of food. When questioned about all this she just pretty much shrugged it off and said it will be a good opportunity for the family to get together - the only other family going are my parents and we see them all the time!! We also see my sister on a semi-regular basis as she comes to the UK for business a few times a year.

So now we're travelling thousands of miles with a young baby to attend a 'non' wedding, which is costing us a lot of money, is a logistical nightmare and now we have to take our own bloody food!! Am I justified in being absolutely fuming? I really wish we'd just declined my parents offer to pay and stuck with original plan of not going. We looked into cancelling but would have lost way too much money. Sorry for the long post I just needed to rant!

Well I think you are being pretty U.

It is your sister's wedding (or wedding party now) in the place where she lives not some random Caribbean holiday.

She wants you to see her home. She wants you to meet her husband and his family. She wants to see her family all together.

You sound miserable and like you can't be arsed to put yourself out for her at all.

Yes the 8h drive DOES sound super miserable - but maybe this is one of those things you just have to suck up for family harmony.

Jesus!? Have you spoke to your folks? They must be gutted

You'll have to make the best of it i suppose, but I wonder wtf her reasoning is?

YANBU. This sounds awful. I think your sister sounds very selfish and entitled.

MrsTerryPratchett your scenario from the sister's point of view is all very interesting (and possibly true) right up to

"On a whim me and DH got married. We were in Vegas, you know how it is [pure conjecture]. I'm still having the reception but it's family style, potluck, super common here."

Bringing the wedding forward when family have made extensive plans to be with you is really, really rude and shows total lack of interest in family etc. If so disinterested in family why kick up a fuss when they can't afford to attend your wedding?

I think YANBU and YABU...

I can see your point of view and I would also be miffed BUT, like PP#s have said- she wants you there in her home to celebrate and have a get together.

user1476869312 "Though occaisionally a guest will get all butthurt about it." What does that mean?

sonjadog "Maybe she thinks it would be nice to show you her home and have her family gathered together, and that was more important to her than the marriage ceremony?" Then invite the OP over for that, Say what it is she is being invited to.

I think this is incredibly hurtful behavior from the sister. If she is not happy her sister, the OP doesn't visit, why not address this with her?

Don't think anyone has mentioned that the op found out via Facebook. How did the sister not have the decency to ring up in advance and explain (or try to) her change of plan. She is either very ditzy or an absolute cow. She seems to have given no consideration to anyone and the op's poor parents will be going between spitting feathers and feeling very low. A very mean thing to do

I think the onus on travelling is actually on the person who moved. It's very entitled to expect someone to spend such a lot of money visiting.

We didn't go to a family members wedding abroad. it would have meant giving up our hope to have desparate,y needed alterations to our house. Sometimes it's too big an ask.

I know Italian and I agree. But people do this kind of thing for a number of reasons; unexpected pregnancy, attack of nerves, wanting to marry in private (vows rather than party IYSWIM). Looks like the OP has buggered off so none of those questions will get answered anyway.

My suspicion is that it is 6 of one... OP doesn't care enough to visit, DSis was a bit selfish and self-centred to get married early.

Roystonv that is what I've been thinking about - nevermind whether the OP is BU about not wanting to go - what about the bride's family not being told she got married!! What on earth to the OP's parents think about it all?

I'm fully with MrsPratchett on this one.

For many people it's the party that's important, the bit with family and friends being present and together. (The ceremoy is 'just' the legal bit, it's important for the couple but depending on what and where can be quite boring for the guests, frankly). In some countries you have separate ceremonies on different days, and usually only B&G plus witnesses attend the legal 'actual' wedding bit.

I also know what it's like to be the one travelling to see your famiy for well over 10 years when none of them have bothered to come to see you, your home, your 'new' environment once, after repeated invitations. It becomes your duty. Well, it isn't and it sucks. From my POV, it's the OP that's been selfish for 10 years.

Ssorry OP, that may sound harsh and I don't know the details of yours and your sister's relationship. I know it's inconvenient but I think you can be fairly sure that the getting together at her home is the big deal for her. As a guest, so it should be for you.

I think the onus on travelling is actually on the person who moved. I hear this a lot. Like we made one incredibly hard decision and for the rest of time must suffer for it Luckily my family visit often and we also take family holidays in third countries which is lovely for everyone.

Yeah, I don't really get it, OP. You were looking forward to going over and seeing your sister. And you're going over to see your sister. The only thing that has changed is the menu/party location? You are going to see her marriage ceremony, if that's what you want to see, although lots of people keep that bit private. Sounds like they got a date for the legal stuff and did that. Then someone found out about it and they ended up inviting someone to it and then got tagged on Facebook.

Your 'wedding day' is when you decide it is. Lots of people do wedding days and legal parts on different days or continents or in different circumstances for their own reasons. And that's OK.....

Signing a contract is not exciting nor is it anything to do with anyone else, for invitation purposes it's about the party, and the party is going ahead and you are going to celebrate it with your family.

That's what I see?

I think there is more to this tale. Perhaps wedding venue pulling out at the last minute and DSis having to rearrange the best way she could.Maybe financial - who knows? But it sounds like they have had to separate legal and celebratory- it sounds as though there is still going to be a wedding ceremony, so I think you are being a bit U

I would want her to have a very good reason for bringing the ceremony forward, or I would be using my flights to holiday elsewhere.

"Maybe your DSIS thinks you weren't that fussed about missing her wedding and only changed your mind when your parents basically offered you a free holiday."

They did not pay for a free holiday they paid for flights. This is not necessarily the holiday destination the OP would choose. I'd hate to go to the states for a holiday. However, I would make an exception for a family wedding. I would be very cross if things changed part way through.

MrsTerryPratchett "... I do know how sad it is to live thousands of miles from family and friends." did you choose to move very far from family or did they move very far from you?

I do think it is lovely when family can visit who live far away. My sis visited me in Singapore, it was great. Guess what, I did not change the situation between the booking of the flight and the arrival.

Royston, I mentioned the Facebook thing.

there seem to be a couple of posters who think the OP is in the wrong - but I think ultimately asking people - any people, including childfree and wealthy - to do a journey that's virtually 3 days for a wedding in the first place is U. The whole trip sounds hellish without little ones to look after as well.

The OP's sister visits here quite often it seems so they will see each other, the husband, I'm not sure. I'm not a person who cares about mixing the families etc though.

Change flights and go on hols somewhere else. Her behaviour is appalling

How incredibly selfish of her! And to not even tell you, for you to find out yourself on Facebook. I wouldn't go even if it meant wasting money. If my sister treated me like that I wouldn't bother to go to any effort for her, an 8 hour road trip with a baby and small child and she can't even be arsed to tell you she already got married! Sod that!

@Italiangreyhound 'choose' is interesting. I fell in love with someone. Not really a choice. One of us had to move or break up. I lived in a shit hole with not great prospects and not enough money to prove support and actually support DH. He lived in one of the best places to live in the world, money to support, place that welcomes immigrants and very safe. I didn't want to move but felt it was the only choice.

My family and friends loved DH and wanted me to be happy. They supported the decision.

It's rough though. I missed home horribly for years.

but Terry, what you say has nothing to do with the poster's situation tbh.

Ultimately, if you live a long way from anyone you care about, there are going to be times when you can't see each other. Given that the OP's parents stepped and forked out the money in the first place, it seems that the OP sis was kicking up a fuss about them not being able to attend the wedding. which now isn't a wedding.....and the OP sis couldn't even be arsed to ring in advance and explain what was happening before it got on to Facebook.

Hope OP comes back.

PurpleTraitor "Yeah, I don't really get it, OP. You were looking forward to going over and seeing your sister." Actually the OP said "After the initial reluctance we were actually looking forward to it, especially the wedding."

"Your 'wedding day' is when you decide it is." Ok in that case every day is my wedding day and I want presents every day!

Plus other people got invited to the actual wedding so if it is just a private signing thing how does that work?

For some people a wedding is a special occasion. They want to be there. If you want to invite people over for a pot luck supper, go ahead. The reality is you know most will not spend 100s of pounds to eat pizza in your back yard. Everyone should have the wedding they want. But it is not on to make a fuss when the wedding you want is very inconvenient and expensive for others, persuade your family to come and then change things, and not even tell the family.

MrsTerryPratchett "I know Italian and I agree. But people do this kind of thing for a number of reasons; unexpected pregnancy, attack of nerves, wanting to marry in private (vows rather than party IYSWIM)." So why not explain it, tell the family. To find out via Facebook is just cruel.

I once found out my sister was pregnant inadvertently, there were plenty of reasons why she had not told me yet but I felt very let down.

Lots of wild assumptions being made as usual. 😂

The OP hasn't said whether they have visited before or even if they had been invited before! So it's a bit pointless being all hoiky bosoms about that 😆

I get that ceremonies are necessarily that important and that the celebration part can be the focal point but it still seems off to have done it so sneakily. The wedding was important enough to invite friends and the grooms non-local parents but not important enough to even mention to the OP or her parents 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can't see any way that that's normal ok behaviour.

Id be pissed off if I was the OP. I wonder what her parents will think. 😥

I think the best thing now though is just to make the most of it and put your annoyance to one side. Maybe as it's just a party you can add in a few other trips that you might like. To be honest an informal wedding celebration might end up more fun and enjoyable for you especially considering the ages of your kids.

I'm also a bit perplexed about the 8 hour drive thing. Are you parents going at the same time? Can you share the driving with them?

MrsTerryPratchett I too fell in love with someone from a pretty magical place. I know my sis would have been up for visits if she could afford it, my parents and wider family not in a million years.

In the end it did not work out.

I guess my feeling is that the person who moves away probably has to do two things if they want family relationships to continue well (as many do) and that is to make some effort to visit home, make it easier for the people who visit (although not necessarily put them up).

Luckily, if one's family have enough money and free time and want to travel they will. And that is great. My family member moved far away (not outside UK but a bugger of a journey) and it is us (DH, me and the kids) who make the journey to visit. We do it because of a lot of reasons. But if we couldn't it would not be our fault.

It's complex. But Mrs glad you ended up in a lovely place.

I doubt her actual wedding was a whim. She probably had it planned that way the whole time.