To troll this wedding dress code, just a bit...

[badgeronthedrums]

Right, I've NC for this (been here since the dark ages) and am going to have to be a bit vague with the details because it's very, very outing and I suspect that some of the other parties are on here.

We've been invited to a wedding and we cannot refuse the invitation, not at all, the kind of thing where the only valid excuse would be being dead. So we said we'd come, DH and I. It turns out that the dress code is black fucking tie.

Now there's a whole other argument about dictating to people in this rather expensive way, but there's also a more practical problem. DH is not a suit person; he does not own one, he did not even wear a jacket to his own wedding. If he hires an outfit, he will look like a waiter. If he buys something, he will never ever wear it again.

I have two questions.

Does he have any choice?

Can the hive mind think creatively and find him something to wear that doesn't cost £700? (he's over 40 and doesn't have an iota of Scottish blood in him). If it was just a little bit annoying this would be even better. I am thinking sequins but he is not.

So do you all think that this dress code is OK and we just need to suck it up? Am happy to be told that this is the case.

^ Exactly this. YABU. Suck it up buttercup

It depends on the venue doesn't it?
Black tie for a church hall, quite possibly over dressed.
Black tie for Claridges , well if that's what the bride wants, then that what she shall have.

People generally want their weddings to be nice affairs, pretty photos, a seamless day. They generally pray that Uncle Barry, the tattoo'd ex-con flying in from Costa Del Crime has managed to get a shirt that he can button up and hide the inkings. They do not want to be shelling out thousands of pounds for someone they have to invite to turn up looking like a hobo and completely ruin the photos. (Thinking : the Middletons Uncle Gary)

If this is a massive issue for your DH, to respect the wedding etiquette laid down, then don't go.

As is often said, It is an invitation, not a command.

Men in dinner jackets/tuxedo look great! I think it is lovely to really pull the stops out and look smart and great at a wedding. Most men look so scruffy these days (my DH included!) and I love to see him/any man in a smart suit, polished shoes and just looking like they have made a bit of an effort!

has anyon said its not a summons yet?

I had a black tie wedding (new year, 4pm candle lit service blah blah) - I have no idea what anyone other than close family wore.

Of course you might be close family..!

Velvet jacket, nice trousers, white shirt or a version of that and I think your DH would be fine. Nobody cares really do they? The most important bit is to be there not what you wear (although you really sound like you want to give it a miss)

Yes I think we are looking at velvet - and I'm not dissing any of the advice, at all.

I've also learned things too - despite being really quite old, this is the first wedding I've ever been to with a dress code, but it turns out that it's not unusual. So the whole thing is not quite as absurd as it seemed to us.

eggandchips True, easy to forget that lots of other people will be in the same situation.

Velvet blazer isn't a bad shout ASOS has long ads inludng leopard print 😀 But this one is £45

Asos have loooooooads of velvet blazers. I was actually considering getting one for myself for the last wedding I went to because I didn't fancy wearing a dress.

@Lucked cross posts 🙈

It seems an awful of fuss about what is basically a black suit. Borrow, hire, eBay, whatever.

Velvet will be boiling if it's summer.

Velvet smoking jacket will be gorgeous. If it's too hot, everyone will be taking off their jackets anyway. The main thing is that everyone will be wearing their absolute smartest clothes and it would look dismissive and rude not to do that. A quirky outfit is fine, so long as it also looks properly smart.

My OH got a midnight blue dinner suit from Matalan last year. It is gorgeous and he looked amazing in it (I am biased but all his colleagues were complimenting him too). Cost about £90 for 3 pieces I think?

Basically second the rec for cheap places like that; or ebay which will be full of people like your OH needing a one time suit, but post Ascot etc.

Or something like this?

Always a charity shop. No one ever wore out a DJ, they just get outgrown.

Either that or a convenient attack of norovirus if this really is a summons.

We got a nice bow tie (proper tie one, not those shitty clip on ones) and a dress shirt online from a site called Dobell. Good prices and service.

Or something like this?

What, nothing at all!? That's would be a bit cheeky! Maybe just the black tie this, as suggested by another poster...quite a long, wide black tie...;-)

And sadly if I divulge why we can't turn the invite down, I will out myself so thoroughly that I might as well type my real name in and send the link to the rest of the family

Are you famous?!

I'm only joking btw. How long have you got to find something? Can you borrow off a friend?

Hire a basic DJ suit.

You can go more "original", pushing the boundaries, but all you will do is turn a minor obligation into a major stress. I don't like wearing dresses, but I think the best way to deal with it is find one that's generic and unremarkable and not devote any more time or energy to it, or draw any more attention to myself in it, than I need to. That said, I rather like waistcoat and cravat at formal dinners.

IME there are usually a few people in "normal" suits at a black tie do. But since he'll have to get something anyway, he might as well get a black one and a dress shirt.

"Jewish and Irish weddings are mostly black tie" - @Mustardnowletsnotbesilly I'm not sure where you've got that from but having attended twenty odd Irish weddings in my time only two have been black tie.

To be honest, I both judge people who impose dress codes and judge people who don't follow them. I think it's a huge imposition to require people to hire or buy an outfit they can't necessarily reuse for other events- the floorlength dress i bought for a black tie wedding (because like I say, if there's a dress code, I'm going to damn well follow it) could not be worn again to another wedding. I also think people using black tie for day time weddings really highlights it's just about the photos as black tie is only really appropriate for evening. As a host, you should be focused on your guests comfort.

However - as a guest, you should be focused on supporting th bride and groom and not standing out or drawing attention to yourself- hence all the rules about not wearing white, or dresses with thigh high slits. It's possible to dress appropriately and comfortably without drawing attention to the fact you're trying to subtly tease them. So- dark normal suit with black (normal) tie and white shirt, yes, black trousers with black velvet blazer and bow tie, awesome. Regular tux off eBay and sucking up the fact you may feel you look a bit daft but so will everyone else, a very viable option.

But trying to get even a subtle dig in about the dress code on the day isn't ok. Don't push it to the limit. If you think they're total dickheads for doing this, tell them and accept the falling out. If you still like them but are exasperated, tease them about it a month or so after the wedding when they're back to being normal people. But I don't think other people's weddings, esp if their family as in guessing, is the ideal time to make a point, even if you might morally be somewhat in the right.

OP what about this jacket? A bit different and still very smart www.moss.co.uk/moss-london-skinny-fit-navy-flocked-dress-jacket-965759209

"And sadly if I divulge why we can't turn the invite down, I will out myself so thoroughly that I might as well type my real name in and send the link to the rest of the family..."

In fairness, I think you've already done that with your description of your DH's style, the fact you are family, and the fact his father died. Sorry to be the one to point this out!

I like these (DP is also a non fan of black tie who has to black tie it regularly).

www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/387450374176430712/

www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/451063718913515835/

www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/27232772723919291/

www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/362047257535753674/

Etsy / Charity / Vintage shops are your friend I think!

Navy velvet, really lovely www.dobell.co.uk/dobell-navy-blue-slim-fit-velvet-jacket/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMItvuwiLSE1QIVh7_tCh3rJwdkEAQYAyABEgJ_yPD_BwE

I went to a black tie event (not a wedding though) in a tux - with a cream silk silk top and a diamanté 'bow tie' necklace - I felt fab (and got lots of compliments)!