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Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
applesandpears33 · 12/07/2017 11:38

OP - It isn't all about the bride, it was your DB's wedding too. If he has told his parents to get a copy of the DVD then I think they should go ahead and do so. Any dispute about that should be between him and SIL as he has as much right to decide who should see the DVD as she does.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/07/2017 11:40

I'm an introvert - and hate being videoed.

Therefore:

I didn't have a videographer at my wedding. I mean, why on earth would I?

If for some bizarre reason I had got one done, I wouldn't play it to my guests. I would say, 'god, no, it's awful.'

If later, they asked where it was from, I would say, 'oh please don't get it, it's so awful.'

If she is introverted, she really is the most inconsistent introvert I've ever met.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/07/2017 11:40

(Not that I've met her) Grin

grannytomine · 12/07/2017 11:43

Does anyone think fondly of what weddings used to be like? Well what they were like where I came from, you married in the local church, no one had to book expensive hotels or travel miles, if some family lived further away you made space for them Auntie Floss and her lot staying with granny or whatever. The reception was usually in the church hall, all the aunties mucking in with their famous quiche or sausage rolls or whatever. It didn't bankrupt anyone and you could probably borrow your SILs bridesmaid dresses (while always seemed to be a vile shade of salmon pink in a shine satin). Your friends mum who was a dab hand with a cake made the cake as a wedding present and no one worried about favours or themes.

God I feel old.

Ilovetolurk · 12/07/2017 11:43

I love all the caveating on this thread it reminds me of the good wife and the judge where they have to remember to say "in my opinion" when making a statement at all times

StaplesCorner · 12/07/2017 11:44

So we're not going with the "ask SIL if there is something wrong" option then?

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/07/2017 11:47

Also, I had/have a wedding video. I loved the pictures, hated how I looked in the video (don't we all?). However, I would never have stopped other people having a copy and years later it's turned out to be so lovely as a keepsake as all my grandparents are dead, I've lost various members of my close family, including my Mum and to have that is just lovely, it brings them alive again. Nobody says SIL has got to watch it! I cannot fathom why there is an issue with PIL having a video of THEIR SON'S WEDDING!

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/07/2017 11:47

I think we sit back and wait for this to be in the daily mail.

(Waves at wanky pretend journalists)

theEagleIsLost · 12/07/2017 11:50

I don't think it's odd to want pictures or video of your Dc weddings or big events.

I agree it hard to know what the real problem here is.

I have family that pump you for information in from of general chats then surprise you. It does mean you have to be on guard all the time which isn’t great.

However one of my Uncle’s, from the shy introverted branch of my family, was isolated from his family over the years by the woman he married to point they weren’t told he’d died. If they visited she hide wouldn’t even say hello if he brought her over to see family she’d wouldn’t get out of the car she'd sit and wait. Thing was he worked away and they had children so she had to function by herself and she held down a job. In fact she worked in shop serving people but apparently couldn’t function around Uncle’s family. She was always treated as a fragile shy thing that no-one should upset but she had no qualms about upsetting others. Uncle does seem to have been happy in his marriage and at some point must have decided to go along with her.

I'd suggest being more upfront and clear about things like ordering DVDs - no hint of secrecy or undermining to even remotely upset her - and keep visiting and hope that you get more used to each other and so you maintain relationship with your brother and hopefully over time build one with her.

Counterpane · 12/07/2017 12:09

Maybe the Bride is in witness protection and is afraid the bad guys will recognize her when it goes viral on facebook. Grin

HeyRoly · 12/07/2017 12:18

Please don't confuse being an introvert with being a PITA

Abso-fucking-lutely!

I can't believe she's demanding that her ILs hand over the DVD that they paid for with their own money. It's completely barmy. Likewise, I can't believe people are saying "poor SIL". She is being completely unreasonable.

What happens if she has a baby? Will there be a "no photo" policy then too? Grin

WonderLime · 12/07/2017 12:19

The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

She won't talk about it. Brother says she is being ridiculous and has actually told my parents to quietly get a copy done. My parents has asked "who did it as we would love a copy" and my brother told them so I really don't see how that is going behind anyone's back

Okay, something doesn't really add up. Initially you say the parents 'casually' ask who did the video, and then they went ahead and ordered it. Then you later say that your brother said quietly that's she's being ridiculous and told them to get a copy done? Then your parents 'casually' mention they have a copy?

So which is it - did they just ask the photographer details and went ahead without permission, did you son tell them to get a copy 'but quietly' so his new wife wouldn't know - and if that's the case, why did you parents even mention they had a copy already knowing that his wife didn't know?

I think you are not giving the full story to be honest, as I suspect you don't like SIL anyway.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 12/07/2017 12:24

Does she have some sort of body/image issues? The beach thing and all copies destroyed sound odd and I wonder if she is very uncomfortable with herself. That said she sounds unwelcoming tbh and she may just be like that and there isn't much you can do about it. The refusing to tell people about your wedding plans is just ridiculous and it sounds like she finding an IL issue when there is none. My brother almost got married and his fiance did her best to push out his family and caused a rift (not me, I'm one of the only ones she liked). In the end they didn't get married and he immediately made amends with his family. They hadn't done anything wrong either so I don't know what her issue was tbh.

Oh and the ILs offering to pay for bits is not interfering ffs, I'd have been thrilled if mine had offered to pay for a single thing. No way were they ever going to help, even practically.

WinnieTheWitch50 · 12/07/2017 12:26

I find this very odd, having the wedding filmed and then no one allowed to get a copy Confused
You're parents should ask to be reimbursed for the money.

Ilovetolurk · 12/07/2017 12:26

wonderlime I think one comment refers to the first video and the other to the illicit second video

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 12:30

Hoping she doesn't read the daily mail if you lot think that could happen?!

Interesting someone's comment about abuse. I think her reaction on the beach was to me stripping off to swim and my dh followed, however I think there could be something in it perhaps. I'm just looking for ideas just so we can avoid future issues.
I am somewhat of an introvert myself but I do think this reaction as biased as you all may think me, is rather too extreme to be explained by saying "oh she's a bit of an introvert".
We really really want her to feel comfortable with us but we feel like there must be something else to her behaviour. If there is then that's fine, just need to be made a bit aware of it so we can better handle stuff like this in future. Did smile at the naughty spaniel comment :).

I have been down to visit with just my dp. My parents go down a bit more as I'm tied up with the horses, they go down when invited and do not just randomly turn up.

The four of us tend to visit "en masse" when it's a Birthday but it's such a chilled affair. Sometimes they come up our way for a meal too depending on how people's weekends are fixed and what pub people fancy going to.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 12:31

You're parents should ask to be reimbursed for the money.

If the money came with such ridiculous conditions, they shouldn't have given it in the first place.

As for having the video done in the first place, again there's too little detail here. Perhaps the bride didn't want a video, but agreed if it was just for them. Perhaps she hated the way it came out or is embarrassed by the content, perhaps she's already regretting getting married at all - all we can do is speculate every part of this, since the op doesn't even know (or seems to care to know as long as her parents get their own way).

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 12:32

And I will keep repeating this, there is no back story, you all have the whole story. I am not withholding anything. Trust me if there was any more to this I would have said it.
Why would I come here to get a wider view on this if I was not going to be transparent.

OP posts:
WinnieTheWitch50 · 12/07/2017 12:34

What I meant was the parents should be reimbursed for the money spent on the wedding DVD they have had to send to their son.

WonderLime · 12/07/2017 12:34

ilovetoturk

I did think that, but the second post just seemed a bit odd (but maybe it's just not written very well), as in the first line DB is saying get to just get a copy, and in the next line DB is telling parents where the video is from (I assume they would already know that from the first copy IYSWIM).

Pengggwn · 12/07/2017 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 12:35

"op doesn't even know (or seems to care to know as long as her parents get their own way)"

Grin The next time I consider murdering my mil, I might just go ahead with it- so long as I can ensure a jury of mumsnetters!

VladmirsPoutine · 12/07/2017 12:36

She sounds like a massive pain. I feel bad for your parents - yet another case of an wayward Dil. No doubt she feels like she's being entirely reasonable as is often the case with unreasonable people.

PovertyJetset · 12/07/2017 12:37

Phone your brother and ask him.

My mind is boggling as why you haven't pressed this.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 12:38

"So if they asked, why didn't their son give them one? Asking isn't getting, is it?"

sigh. He gave the the details of where to buy one. Just as they had been given the details of where to buy wedding photographs. Which, contrary to some posters, who appear still to exist in the days of taking a film into Boots, is a perfectly normal way of disributing pictures these days,